Valentine's Day Frenzy
So, I've been watching a lot of South Park since I've moved to college and don't have anything better to do since classes haven't begun yet. I'm now in love with the show and had three similar ideas for a fan fiction and decided to lump them all together. We'll see how all this goes. I'm going to take a more cynical look at some of my least favorite romance clichés, and I thought South Park would be perfect for it.
PS: I'm also going to add lyrics to the beginning of each chapter because I have this song stuck in my head and why not?
"Singing Radiohead at the top of our lungs..."
Chapter One – Cartman is forced to see a Therapist and things get immediately weird
"Okay, so tell me why you're here," Dr. Quinn Pidd said as she sat down in her giant chair. Across from her, sitting on the couch and looking confused and annoyed at the same time was Eric Cartman, who was rolling his eyes.
"Why the fuck do I have to tell you?" he growled. "You're the psychic, you tell me!"
Dr. Pidd laughed and pat Cartman on the head. "Oh, silly Eric," she replied as he muttered "Don't touch me" under his breath. "I'm not a psychic! I'm a psychiatrist! I do know why you're here, but I'd like to hear you say it yourself so that you know why you're here."
"Because Mr. Mackey took a year off to find spiritual enlightenment so they sent me to you," Cartman replied, still sounding annoyed. He didn't like how this lady was using a high-pitched voice as if she was talking to a cute pet or baby.
"So, what did you do to get yourself sent here?" she asked him, never losing the creepy smile.
"Well, apparently, according to my teachers, I'm 'psychotic' and 'anti-social' with a 'total lack of empathy for other people's feelings' or some bullshit like that," Cartman told her, putting air quotes in his words. "I have no idea what they're talking about."
"And what exactly did you do to make them say that?" she wondered.
"Well, I tried to crucify Kyle yesterday with the tetherball pole, yesterday," he replied. Only a shift of her eyes brows showed that Dr. Pidd was shocked by what he said. "I think he deserves it, really. Being all Jewish and shit. And he kept contradicting me during history class when I was telling the class about the greatness of Hitler."
"That's a pretty cruel thing to do to someone out of nowhere, don't you think?" Pidd asked him seriously (or as seriously as she could while still using the condescending pet tone). Cartman blinked at her.
"No, I pick on him all the time," he replied. "It's our thing."
"What do you mean?" she asked, sounding slightly shocked. Rolling his eyes again, Cartman recounted every single episode of the series in which he and Kyle had a "spat," talking in great detail so the author wouldn't have to, while the new psychiatrist whose name the author made up at the top of her head listened in what might have been horror if she would just stop with the creepy smile.
"And then I said, 'Back off you fucking Jew!' and um, he totally did," Cartman finished, sitting back with a self-satisfied grin on his face. "Yup, good times."
The therapist didn't speak for a moment as she paused to write a few things down on the notepad she had seemingly gotten from nowhere. Cartman sat there, feeling awkward at the silence, so eventually he decided to speak.
"So, obviously you can see that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and I don't need to be here," he said, standing and slowly inching towards the door. Dr. Pidd looked up and Cartman froze. Her creepy smile had become wider.
"Why of course there's nothing wrong with you," she said in a more sing song voice. Cartman blinked in confusion, having no idea how to react. "Something wonderful is in you!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" he muttered, inching a little closer to the door. But her next words made him stop dead in his tracks.
"Why, obviously you're in love with your friend, Kyle!"
Yup, I know that this is kind of a short chapter, but I knew exactly where I wanted to end it. So yeah, there you are. Let me know what you think. I hope you like it, and any constructive criticism is welcome. Keep in mind that I'm going off of what I remember from my child hood, what handful of episodes I've seen since then, and what I've read off the internet, so try to be gentle.
Next time, we'll try to figure what the fuck made her think this and how Cartman will react to this. I'll tell you now, the reason is going to be really stupid. Please read and review!