Author's note: So, I was re-reading Eclipse in preparation for the movie out June 30th, and kind of sort-of ranting about what I read chapter by chapter; me and a friend are analyzing the books in our own special way. And in Eclipse, Chapter One, Jake tries to write a note to Bella, but crosses out several of his first attempts. He is of course, actually complaining about her hanging out with vampires, but I, ahem, took my own liberties and finished his letter. I didn't change any of the original wording, just added to it.
This is obviously a crackfic/parody, so it's just for laughs. Nothing serious intended around here. Review if you like.
Bella,
I don't know why you're making Charlie carry notes to Billy like we're in second grade – if I wanted to talk to you I would answer the mating call you send out at night by honking your truck horn. I mean, we can get our dads together without waking up the neighbours, 'kay?
You made the choice here, okay? You can't have it both ways when you say you want Charlie and Billy together, but then you think how cute it would be if Widow!Sue got a date now and then. They're too old for crazy threesomes, 'kay?
What part of 'mortal enemies' is too complicated for you to comprehend? Oh wait, I forgot you're a dimwit when it comes to the delicate art of love, and everything escapes you. If Seth knew that his mother was sleeping with my dad, he'd throw a hissy fit and we'd never be friends again. The kid's a little theatrical, it's not exaggerated on my part to say we'd be mortal enemies… at least until that guy hits puberty. I'm starting to wonder who will get there first: Seth or Justin Bieber?
Look, I know I'm being a jerk, but there's just no way around the fact that our dads were totally and irrevocably [using your chick lingo] made for each other. It must be the Great Spirit Wolf's will that we were born to match them up!
We can't be friends when you're spending all your time with a bunch of homophobic Forks high-school girls like Lauren and Jessica! We know our dads love is kosher and everything, people should just be able to accept it, but nooooo, if I have to hear about one more "Queen" joke coming from that godforsaken lunch table, I'm going to break out into my furry alter-ego and scare a bitch dead like she was friggin' little Red Riding Hood off to deliver a basket of Angus, charbroiled beef to her conservative ole little nanny.
It just makes it worse when I think about you too much, so don't write anymore if you're still going to hang out with those bitches. I keep thinking about you, and how you used to rise above that sort of stuff, but now you're just trying to fit in. Frankly, it pisses me off, Bella, it really freaking pisses me off when you're thinking about dismissing the plans we've had for total man-man love domination ever since you arrived from Arizona. I wish you would just be like yourself again. We were so close to getting them to having an overnight fishing trip. Sigh.
Yeah, I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn't change anything. Sorry.
Jacob