Ryan Handy

Throughout my life people have passed away around me. No one close to me or anything I just recognized death as a hard thing, something sad. But I didn't expect it to feel the way it did. I didn't expect it to hurt so badly. To linger in your mind the way it does. I never expected to wilt down as flowers do when summer turns to autumn. The short and long term effects from Ryan Handys death were not entirely comprehendible, but then again neither was his passing away. But it's something you cannot run away from. Something that you have to face or else you will get consumed by it.

I stood around all these weeping faces; I did not know anyone except for the people who now stood comforting each other. It was not what I expected when I walked into the door. Jeanie, Kelly, Ryan Henk, and I all stepped into the doorway. The room had bright yellow walls and a grayish blue carpet. Old paintings stood on the walls and it smelled of cheap perfume and flowers. As I walked in, I completely broke down. I became hysterical, it was hard not to under such circumstances. I ran around the corner so no one would see how hurt I was. I felt pretty selfish for some reason to, I am not entirely sure why. Kelly, my best friend and step sister, came over and put her hand on my shoulder and asked me if I was okay and I wasn't, I really was not alright, but I pulled myself together for everyone's sake and stopped crying. I nodded my head and walked with her over to where Jeanie and Ryan stood hugging each other. Some of the people stood around chatting to each other about topics that did not pertain to what was in front of them. A small casket. A young boy only fifteen sat inside. Eyes shut, closed permanently. I could not bear to look at it. I knew I had to face it though, eventually you have to face everything or it will just eat you alive. I studied the faces in the room trying to find anyone familiar, but I did not know these people. An older lady short with gray hair came over to me and introduced herself, this was Ryan's grandmother. She was upset but smiled delicately at me and hugged me. It felt nice to have people understand and just want the comfort. Sometimes a hug can mean the entire world. She looked at my red eyes and moved on to Ryan Henk, Ryan Handy's best friend. They had been friends ever since Ryan had moved to the school in North Carolina. I hadn't known much about their friendship but I knew that they were really close, like brothers. They were both crushed when Ryan had to move to Connecticut, but even with that sort of distance they stayed in touch. Ryan Handy always had Ryan Henks best interest at hand, and I was the one who was chosen to look after him. Ryan Handy always told me this.

Now I sat there at his wake, everyone in tears. Ryan Henk was now hunched over in a chair, tears rolling down his cheeks. I decided any comfort at this moment would be good, so I went over and wrapped my arms tight around his shoulders I embraced him there for a second and he took it in. A hug seems completely different when people need it. I wiped the tears off his face and told him everything would be alright, this, more than anything seemed to calm him down. He stood up, walked over to his mother and hugged her. This was the closest I had seen them in quite a long time. It was nice to see their connection even if it was under bad circumstances. At this point I was getting used to the overwhelming room and the people around me. It didn't seem as scary as when I had walked into the door. Not much had changed, people were still crying, the room still smelt of bad perfume and flowers, and Ryan Handy was still in an infinite sleep. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Ryan Handy's sister and I was not ready to approach her. I was not ready to face someone that was apart of his immediate family. I guess some things you really just can't hide from. Jill, his sister, came over and started talking to Kelly. Her eyes were bloodshot beyond what any drug could have done, she was quietly crying. She looked at me sympathetically and I felt almost guilty like I shouldn't be there, like I didn't deserve to be there. But then she said something that comforted me more than anything else, "You must be Jenna; Ryan talked a lot about you." I was shocked. I hadn't even known Ryan had mentioned me to anyone. I mean we were good friends but he lived in North Carolina and I lived here in Connecticut. I was so curious about what was said to her, but I just smiled and said, "And you must be Jill, Ryan's sister." She stood there for a little bit taking everything in and then moved on to other family and friends. I had never met Jill before but immediately she had comforted me in a way no one else there had, and I appreciated it more than anything.

Finally came the moment to go up to the casket and give my prayers. I suddenly felt that devastating sadness over again, but I walked up to it with Kelly. We kneeled together and she said a prayer. I was so overwhelmed I couldn't even think. I couldn't say anything I just started bawling. Hot tears rolled down my face and I was drowning in them. I had trouble standing. I just wanted him back but he was so far from my reach. Kelly grabbed me and helped me up telling me to calm down because I was crying so hysterically, it must have looked ridiculous.

His mother sat behind me hunched over in the chair. She looked unwell and completely distant. There were no tears rolling down her face, just a look that scared me. I had never met her and I didn't really want to in this condition. No one was talking to her so I walked past meeting the rest of his family. His uncle was incredibly nice, He gave me and Kelly a hug and told us it was so nice that we came and said goodbye, that it was important. He seemed very empathetic, and you could tell half of it was a show, to look strong for everyone else. It was so easily readable how sad he was underneath his big smile. After saying our goodbyes and giving our apologies to the rest of the family we decided that staying to long wouldn't really be sensible. So we took one last look, and got our coats on and walked out the door. On the way home there was a completely different atmosphere than on the drive there. Everyone seemed less tense. We sat there chatting about how nice the wake was and we talked about Ryan Handy a great deal. We talked about his love for hot pockets and how he was going to be Jeanie's baby's uncle even if he never got to see her. The mood was lighter and happier. I'm sure everyone still had the pit in their stomach and all, but it was different.

As we got home it was starting to get dark and Ryan Henk, Kelly, and I went straight up to his room where we had spent time with Ryan Handy. I looked at the chair across from Ryan Henks bed. It was entirely too empty. The room in general seemed completely different now that he wasn't in it, even if I had only experienced him in it a couple of times. When someone dies you remember everything, the way they looked walking into a room, their smell, how they laughed. We lounged on the bed and shut off the lights and just talked. We let the night drift away as we sat there for hours just talking about anything really, anything that came to mind. It felt warm and secure. We sat there until I was picked up. I think my memory of that day is still right there in that room and I remember everything about that day when I'm there. And I won't lie to you; it still hurts every time I'm there. It never got easier, eventually the memories start to fade a little and you get over some of the sadness, but it still hurts like hell.