disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters that are mentioned in this work of fan fiction. I probably shouldn't even claim it myself. You'll see why.
ratings and warnings: K - and this is in no way meant to be taken as a serious piece of work.
A/N : I want to thank Titan5 who inadvertently gave me the idea for this. But she is in no way to blame.
I also want to thank Titan5, Stealth Dragon, T'Pring and ShaViva for having such great stories that I took the liberty of using some of their ideas in this. No disrespect was intended in any way. And if you see a bit of something you wrote in this, take it as a compliment.
feedback: yes, yes, yes,
The Ward
By Kariesue
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"Hi, I'm Mary Sue, I'm the administrator here and I'll be giving you your walk through during this part of your orientation. Make sure you have your name tag on and then you can follow me. Now remember, everything you see here today will be privileged information."
The tall, leggy blonde with the to-die-for figure walked down the hall ahead of the new employees at the TVC Sanitorium. The others followed closely along behind not wanting to miss a word of what she said. This was a prestigious position and they knew it was a rigorous application process before they even considered you. But they had all gotten past that and were now well on their way to being permanent staff here. The excitement was hard to contain.
As they passed down the long hall, Mary Sue pointed out several of the wings. One large door on the right was made of heavy steel and had bars firmly over the window. The sign above the door simply said: EV Ward.
One brave soul had the tenacity to ask, "What's in there?"
Mary Sue turned around quickly and for a split second her pleasant persona dropped and you could almost see annoyance or maybe even fear in her eyes. But she quickly masked it and her eyes lit up again and sparkled bright blue. She held up her pointer finger delicately and gave a tiny shake. "Oh, no, no, no! Mustn't ever go in there. That wing is reserved for Evil Villains so unless you have some super power you didn't include on your resume, that wing will be off limits."
She rotated precisely and continued sashaying down the hall with a little song of, "And we're walking!"
As they shuffled along behind, a few of them noticed some hands begin to snake out between the bars. Some were green and most had long sharp fingernails and there may even have been a tentacle thrown in there, too. They quickly caught up with the others.
Mary Sue was just pointing to a large opening into a common area. The sign above this wing read: COCO Ward.
"And this here is the wing exclusively for romantic Castoffs of the infamous Charmed Ones. You may recognize a few of the more popular ones like Cole Turner, Andy Truman, Jason Dean and of course Dan. But we also house some of the lesser remembered gentlemen like Leslie St. Clair, Kyle Brody, Jack Sheridan, Bane Jessup, oh and Greg, Simon, Billy, Dex, oh too many to really list them all. If you have extra time some day after one of your shifts, I've found they're a really fun group to be around, for the most part. Just don't mention the name Halliwell."
She waved everyone on and crooned again, "And we're walking!"
They passed a few more wings and Mary Sue gave brief summaries of who resided there: UL - The Unrequited Love Ward and CALTOS - The Cancelled After Less Than One Season Ward. Then there was the JTS – Jump The Shark Ward and ITOTBALC - The I'm Too Old To Be A Leading Character Ward.
"They're a really sad lot," Mary Sue stage whispered to the group as they passed the last wing. "Especially since they were really something once upon a time and now … like I said, just sad."
The crowd peaked in and saw two men in California Highway Patrol uniforms, a few men in SWAT outfits, some people wearing doctor's lab coats as well as a few firemen who were mopping the floor muttering, "Squad 51 – KMG365."
"Come now," Mary Sue hustled them along. "Let's not encourage them. It doesn't take much."
They were now at the end of the corridor and their final destination. They were in front of a door with a sign that read: FFW Ward.
"This is it? Isn't it?" one excited newbie breathed out rapidly, trying to contain her enthusiasm.
"Yes, my dear, it is," Mary Sue replied with her typical syrupy voice. "But there are a few things you will need to be briefed on before we enter the Fan Fiction Whumpers Ward. These are some of our most beloved characters and we know and respect them for all their extremely hard work and dedication in saving our country, our planet and even our galaxy. But these fan fiction writers have put them through the wringer and now," here she paused and gave a big sigh, "you'll see what some of them have been reduced to."
As she turned the handle on the large door, she gave a word of caution. "Now, they've all been whumped and hurt in a variety of way so the thing they need most from us is comfort. Sometimes they just need someone to listen to them and allow them to actually feel the pain that has been so carelessly tossed at them on such a frequent basis. Feel free to move around. I'll try my best to introduce you to as many residents as I can."
The door opened and everyone held their breath. As they walked in they could feel their excitement but also their trepidation grow. What if they couldn't provide the comfort and support that these people needed? What if they had been whumped beyond all help? Another deep breath and they entered the large room. It was almost overwhelming seeing so many amazing characters in just one room. And the room was extremely large and filled with so many people.
"Why don't we start right here," Mary Sue chirped. "This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Ladies you may want to stay back a bit. Unfortunately he's got a bit of a libido disorder and it's turned him into somewhat of a sex maniac."
The man sitting in the chair reached out and leered at the women in the group calling out, "Hey baby, wanna come over to my cabin. I can even ask Spock to come over and we can make it a threesome."
"Not now, Captain," Mary Sue let him down easy and moved to the next table where three men were sitting around talking.
"Oh, come on, Daniel, you really need to admit that you only came back from the dead because you were jealous of Jonas getting too much notoriety."
"Oh, that so is not true, Jack and you know it. The man didn't have half the knowledge I had regarding the Ancients and mythology."
"That's true but you have to admit he was a quick study."
Mary Sue looked back at the group and introduced, "This is General Jack O'Neill and Dr. Daniel Jackson."
O'Neill looked up and raised three fingers. "That's O'Neill with two L's."
The men looked back at their hands and started muttering to themselves and all could see they were beginning to get agitated. O'Neill's muttering grew louder.
"Damn Ba'al. I don't want to play his games anymore. Doesn't he get it? I just wanted to retire. That's all, just retire. But would they let me, no! Give me a little duct tape and a gum wrapper and I would have been set for life."
He jerked his head up and searched the room. "Carter? Where's Carter. I need to see Carter. Why won't they let me see Carter?"
The third man at the table raised his head and drawled, "Because it's against regulations, Sir. You know that."
Mary Sue pointed to the third man saying, "And this is Colonel Cameron Mitchell. He's got a bit of a split personality disorder, I'm afraid. Seems to think that sometimes he's an astronaut flying through some wormhole into a universe filled with Muppets. It's a shame; he really had a stellar career going for him."
"Aeryn! Where's Aeryn? Where in Hezmana can she be?"
Daniel perked up his head and called out, "Vala! Is Vala here?"
"Oh, cut the dren, Jackson," Mitchell yelled. "I need to find Aeryn. I think she took my frelling pants again 'cause I don't seem to be wearing any. I don't need this tralk I just need to find my pants. Where's Aeryn? She didn't run off with one of the DRD's again, did she?"
"We'll leave them alone for now," Mary Sue whispered quietly to the group. She moved swiftly to two men who were playing checkers at a corner table. One was bald with little round glasses and the other was a young, sandy haired man.
As the bald man moved each piece, the group could hear him call out, "Chevron six encoded. Chevron seven is locked."
"This is Chief Master Sergeant Walter Harriman,"
One of the new employees asked curiously, "He was whumped a lot?"
Mary Sue looked indulgently at the person asking the question. "There are all sorts of whump, my dear. This man was whumped with boredom and repetition. I'm afraid his vocabulary doesn't consist of much else now."
As the other man yelled out, "Unscheduled off world activation!" Mary Sue smiled again.
"This here is Chuck the technician. He unfortunately was never even given a last name although they expected him to work every shift possible be it day or evening. And he always needed to be in the control room whenever a major catastrophe was happening. Although I do believe the very kind Dr. Weir once actually referred to him as 'Sergeant'."
At this statement, Chuck looked up and said, "Dr. Weir? I can pull up long range scanners for you."
"Let's move on," Mary Sue suggested and her hips swung as she balanced effortlessly on her three inch heels.
There were several more tables and chairs throughout this part of the room and she came to a pleasant looking gentleman who was wearing a lab coat and muttering to himself. He had a stethoscope around his neck and was moving vials around a table where a young woman was sitting, also wearing a lab coat.
"Dr. Carson Beckett and Dr. Janet Fraiser," Mary Sue introduced.
The two doctors looked up and Becket barked in his Scottish brogue, "No, I can't do it! I can't find a bloody cure for everything in this universe. It's just not possible!"
"Come now, Carson, it's not all that bad," Fraiser consoled him. "They gave you the best equipment and you even had the gene to play with the Ancient stuff. I never had that opportunity."
"Yes, lass," Becket's voice softened when he spoke to her. "But you only had to deal with what came back to Stargate Command. I was touted as the best doctor in TWO galaxies. Try living up to that moniker."
Fraiser tilted her head and informed him, "Well, I did go off world occasionally. It's how I was killed actually."
"Yes, but you at least had the dignity to die in the field of battle," Carson screamed. "I had the embarrassment of getting blown up by an exploding tumor. And all because no one would go fishing with me!"
Beckett huffed a few more times then startled grumbling. "And I don't even have the pride of saying I'm the original. I'm a damn clone, of all things. And I was created by one of my own bloody experiments gone wrong. Oh, the shame!"
"We'll just move on now," Mary Sue wrinkled her perfect upturned nose as she announced this.
She approached two men who were writing numbers and letters and a variety of unknown symbols all over a white board. Mary Sue shook her head with a tolerant smile on her face.
"Now, Dr. Eppes, you know you aren't supposed to be here on the Science Fiction side of the room. You and Dr. McKay will need to find another time to work on your 'P versus NP' problem. "
"But, but…" MacKay stammered, "We were actually getting somewhere this time."
Mary Sue gave them another indulgent smile and coaxed, "Charlie, let's go. I believe your brother is waiting for you. Yes, there he is."
Charlie shuffled across the room reluctantly and Mary Sue waved over at the dark haired man waiting on the farther side of the room.
"Hi, Don, I caught him again. You'll need to keep a better eye out for him."
"Sorry," Agent Eppes apologized. "Colby and I were comparing our guns again. I still think mine can shoot further than his."
As Charlie returned to his side of the room, several others turned to wave at the new crowd assembled. Mary Sue patiently greeted some of them. "Hi Seely, Jethro, you two grow more handsome each day. Make sure you keep an eye out for Agent Bauer I think he's going to try to escape again. You two promised me you'd watch out for that."
The men waved an acknowledgement and Mary Sue turned back to the man still frantically writing on the white board.
"Now group, this is Dr. Rodney McKay. Unfortunately he's been whumped in many ways. Not so much physically but emotionally it really hit him hard. The worst being the Slashers. He found himself in so many pairings with Colonel Sheppard, Ronon or dare I even say a few times with Zalenka. It just pushed him over the edge."
The man was still scribbling furiously and was now muttering, "I just wanted a nice girl. What's wrong with a nice girl, or maybe even a cat?"
Mary Sue sauntered past the scientist and quietly waved them toward the window where a thin, handsome man sat staring out the window, seemingly oblivious of anything around him. His hair was untidy with much of it sticking straight up in the back. His ears were slightly pointed at the top and he was wearing a black t-shirt that molded itself to his nicely shaped torso.
"Now ladies, I caution you," Mary Sue said in a soothing tone so as not to startle the handsome man. "This resident can be very difficult to deal with. I know he seems quiet and harmless but he's been through the most whump of anyone in this room. For years and years he was able to just shake off the trauma and pain of being fed on, shot, stabbed, and thrown around like a puppet and he would just make these miraculous recoveries like he was never hurt. And then the emotional pain started becoming too much as well. He thought his team had deserted him for six months, his father died after some terrible fights, the woman he'd yearned for became pregnant with another man's child, and the man wasn't even a regular on the show."
Green eyes like a lost little puppy dog looked up toward them and he moaned, "Teyla?"
"But then the fan fiction whumpers got a hold of him," Mary Sue continued passionately. "And they were relentless. Story after story they had him fighting against all sorts of creatures and villains and diseases. And yes, he had his team to help him through once he was back in the infirmary but so many times he was left to fight these evils all on his own. And then they emotionally ripped his heart out far too many times for any one person to be able to bare."
Mary Sue placed her hand gently on the man's shoulder as she whispered, "Colonel Sheppard? We have some new staff here who will be coming to help comfort you if you need it."
The man looked up and though his eyes held fear and suffering, he lightly threw out, "I'm fine. Good, really."
"You know you don't have to say that anymore, Colonel," Mary Sue assured him. "This is a safe place and you can be hurt and cry and even show your emotions if you want to. These people will listen and help you work out any problems you have."
The crew behind her all shook their heads rapidly as he looked up at them. His sad eyes grew even more emotional and became liquid pools as tears leaked out and coursed down his cheeks. One sympathetic young woman ventured over and put her arms around him and started whispering soothing words, letting him know it was all right and that everyone needed to cry.
Another moved closer to Mary Sue and timidly asked, "How in the world did he get this bad?"
Mary Sue gave a large sigh and her eyes filled up with moisture also. "It was just finally too much for him. One day on a simple mission he was beaten and sold into slavery then shot, stabbed, whipped by his own team, dumped in a crater where he became the pet of some large dino-like creature, then brought back to Atlantis only to be mentally sucked inside the city itself where he had to fight an evil subroutine. When he eventually regained a tiny bit of strength some reporters came and were so irresponsible that he had to save their lives while being attacked by a vicious animal that had poison in its claws that caused paralysis. He then had to recover in half the time that was diagnosed only to be kidnapped and held for ransom by people who wanted his brother to pay them two million dollars. While this was happening his brother was kidnapped by the Trust and then he had to rescue him, all the while trying to fight off a deadly infection that had been introduced to him in one of the field compresses. He managed to save everyone, of course, but the damage had been done. And now you see the results."
Mary Sue wiped the lone tear that trickled down her face. "And the alarming thing is that these people do it all in the name of ... love. Love for their favorite characters."
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If you know of any character who has been whumped beyond belief and feel they would benefit from the services of this clinic, please contact us today.
We are the TVC Sanitorium. That's the Television Characters Sanitorium. We're here to help!
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*** This is a public service announcement and the views of this message in no way reflect that of this station or its sponsors ***
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