'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away (Broken By Seether)
All That Is Hidden
It was a cold December night; Max took the flock out "shopping". We were above a department store in Missouri when Nudge said "Ooh let's stop there!" So we landed behind the store. "Do your stuff Igg." I told Iggy. For a blind kid he could pick locks so easily. "It's like they want people to break in!" said Iggy chuckling at the end. In seconds the door burst open into the shoe department of the store. "All right guys, pick what you like but don't take much." Said Max the most amazing leader and gorgeous girl. All these thoughts came back to play with my mind. How she rejected me in the cave, how there was an awkward air between us since the cave incident. I just wanted to come clean and tell exactly how I felt. But she always cut me off. "Hey Fang how does this look?" Max asked. "Uh…" try to get rid of all those thoughts but they stayed there haunting me. "It looks great on you!" I blurted out. She turned around and walked away, her blonde hair shimmering in the dark. I stayed there dumfounded by her beauty, before I remembered my tasks. Casually I went around the whole store till I saw what I was looking for. It was under a glass display case. You idiot I thought, I should've known they would've been locked. By some miracle I see some keys, hoping they would work. I was glad we were in the dark because my smile couldn't be contained. There I was, ignoring Max's warning I took almost every knife that was under the case. I was making my way to the jacket department of the store, when Nudge came up to me. "Hey Fang, check these shoes out!" I looked down to see these black and red sneakers. "They look great." I said not showing much interest. She gave me a puzzled look and asked "Are you okay?" "Yea I'm fine." I replied and left her there. I made it to the jacket department. I was looking around, and I saw just what I wanted. It was a big black leather jacket, with a lot of pockets on the inside. "A bit pricey isn't it?" Max's voice made me jump; I didn't hear her walk by. "Jumpy aren't you?" she said grinning the whole time. "You just startled me." Trying to keep my composure and failing miserably. "Yep, that's me quiet Max." she said smiling, when a couple stray hairs got in her face I leaned in to move them be she suddenly moved back and said "I gotta go." With that she left me there, broken hearted.
It was a couple weeks later since we went to the department store. We were in a safe house near Dr. Martinez's house when the Gasman woke me up. "Wake up Fang!" I rose silently like always. "What is it Gazzy? "It's a New Year Fang!" a bit annoyed I asked him. "You wake me up for a pointless New Year?" Gazzy with his child like smile "I didn't want you to miss the fun, everybody else is up." I couldn't go to sleep anyway. She was always there invading my thoughts, so might as well stay up. I turned to Gazzy. "Alright let's go join them." I don't have many clothes so I sleep with my jeans on. I slipped into my leather jacket. I felt the metal on my chest from the knives in the inside pockets. I locked my room and went to join everybody. There she was in all her beauty; I imagine she must be like heroin to the heroin addict. The little ones were watching some special about the New Year. Max was getting some sodas. I was walking towards her, "Hey heads up!" she yelled and threw me a Coke. I gave her I nod of thanks. On the TV they were telling the viewers to find someone to kiss. I knew who I wanted to kiss. If she only knew that I would go with her to the ends of this Earth on hands and knees, just to be with her. "Look they're showing the ball drop again." Angel squealed with childlike excitement. "Looks cool." I muttered. I really don't care much for celebrations like these. I couldn't take it anymore; I went out for some air. The darkness was embracing, cloudless skies, with a New Moon. These were the nights I loved. They are so relaxing; they always help me get my thoughts straight. It was all too good, I heard the door creak open and I stiffened a bit. Max came from behind the door and sat next to me. I was dreading this moment. Yet I yearned for it with all my heart.
She was here; next to me her beauty was overwhelming. "You're not a fan of the whole New Year's stuff either?" She finally broke the silence. I was a bit relieved. I stayed quiet contemplating her beauty. "It's nice out here." I muttered. "Yeah it's beautiful out here." Said Max. "Yeah, you are really beautiful." "Fang, I..." I didn't know what she was going to say, I cut her off and gave a soft passionate kiss. She wrapped her arms around my neck; I wrapped mine around her waist. I stopped kissing her looked into her beautiful eyes. "I can't imagine my life without you, you're so beautiful. Max I lo…" She let go of me. In a couple rapid movements she was a good ten feet away from me. She looked at me "No." Her voice like steel. It was just one word but it felt like a thousand knives tearing my heart apart. She went inside. I stayed outside for almost an hour. I couldn't go back inside just to be tortured by her beauty. I decided to go to a secluded cave that I go to, to be alone. I unfurled my wings, almost invisible in the darkness. I took off quickly. Flapping down then up I was airborne. Even flying couldn't get this desolation away from me. I landed in a running stop. There I was in front of the cave, it haunted me with memories of that happened between me and her. Why do you keep on going after her? She's rejected you so many times just let her go. I thought. I went inside the cave, there it was. There was this big rock in the cave that I sat on. I sat there and took off my jacket. I looked at my arms, or what were my arms. From my wrist to my shoulder all you could see were scars. If you saw under my shirt you'd see that my chest and my back were filled with them too. I took my favorite knife from the inside pocket of the jacket. It was an all-black pocket knife; it had a really sharp black blade. I found a somewhat empty spot on my left forearm. I put the blade on my skin putting a good amount of pressure on it then I slowly dragged it along my flesh. The crimson gold flowed out smoothly. The crimson gold gushed out in tempo with my heartbeat, which was pounding in my ears. The feeling was relieving; when the light-headedness came I couldn't feel any emotional pain. If she knew this is how I cope. I couldn't finish that thought. I loved her with all my heart but she wouldn't love me. Especially the way I am.
I must've fainted; I don't remember going to sleep. When I woke I saw the sun was high, it must be noon I thought. "Crap!" I yelled to no one. The flock must be worried sick! I grabbed my jacket and took off. In a couple minutes I saw our safe house. I was clamping down on my thoughts; I didn't want Angel to know what I did last night. As soon as I opened the door I was welcomed by Angel "Fang! Where were you?" "I just went out to fly a bit" I replied, she was looking at me with an intent gaze. I clamped harder on my thoughts, and she gave up. I was half way to my room when Max yelled. "Fang!" she yelled, I heard the anger in her voice, but there was a bit of concern in it as well. "Max, just please leave me alone." Even I could hear the pain in my voice. I was at the door to my room, I was about to close it when Max came in. She was there in all her beauty. I wish I could tell her that she was so gorgeous and that I would never let her go. Why risk more heartbreak, I thought. "Fang what's wrong" She finally broke the silence. "Nothing" I said lying through my teeth. "Is this about last night?" She asked. I couldn't tell her. I imagined she would look at me like a horrible monster. "No Max it's not, just leave me alone." Her beautiful eyes filled with concern that hurt my heart. "Ok." Her voice was a barely audible whisper. She left without another word. I hated myself for not telling her, but I couldn't bring myself to break her hear like that. It was days like these that made me want to end it all.
It was a couple days after I disappeared and came back at noon. I was still distraught about what happened with Max that night. I was moping around for the past day or two. I was so hurt it was overwhelming. I've never felt like this for any other girl. Max is one of a kind, just seeing her brought all these feelings I love. I can't imagine leaving her, without her I feel so dead inside. "Fang." Max said as she walked in. She is so beautiful, I truly love her. If only she could see that. "Get up; we're going to visit Dr. Martinez." "Alright." I said, I really don't care much for the loving of parents, maybe because I spent most of my life in a crate without parents. We flew to Dr. Martinez's house, when we landed it was the usual clinginess, that sorta put me on edge. "Hello Fang, can I take your coat?" I stiffened, and backed up a bit "No." Max shot a look at me that said something like what's wrong with you? Dr. Martinez made her amazing cookies, while the flock watched TV. When she brought all the little ones were fighting for the plate. "Fang, can I talk to you?" Max said. She went outside to the back porch, I followed suit. "What's wrong Max?" I asked her when we were outside.