Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere. Never will. I own only the words, not the names.
Chapter 1: Sibling Love
"Mmmm. Right there, Spence. Oh god, don't stop!" Ashley Davies breathed out. She felt so good, so relaxed, so dopey.
"Yes, Miss Davies." Spencer Rockford responded to his client. Since he was new in the business he found it difficult to ignore her sighs and even more so her moans. But he was not going to ask questions. Asking questions could lead to him being fired, so he followed her instructions and kept at the one spot that seemed to elicit the most response.
Ashley closed her eyes and imagined a blonde, blue eyed young woman. One who had mastered the head tilt and smile skill. She tried to imagine her Spencer, the one she was wildly in love with, the one who needed space to figure out who she was and what she wanted. Ashley could answer those questions no problem, without having to think. Who was Spencer? She was Ashley's girlfriend, best friend, lover. What did she want? She clearly wanted Ashley, how could you not want the one you were in love with. Maybe that was problem, Spencer didn't exist without Ashley, at least not in Ashley's mind.
Ashley sighed, unable to imagine Spencer Carlin giving her a rub down instead of the red headed, freckle faced Rockford. She turned over signifying the massage was over, he nodded and started to pack up his belongings. Ashley hopped off the table and went to her check book. She paid him and he folded up the table. When he left, Ashley collapsed into a puddle on the floor by the foot of her bed. She cried and couldn't stop. Because finally, three months later, three months of using Aiden and letting him use her, three months of nightly unsatisfying conversations she started to mourn the best relationship she'd ever had. She had finally allowed herself to slow down and the gravity of the situation of her loss finally hit her. Losing Spencer Carlin was worse than losing her dad. So, Ashley Davies finally started to wallow.
"I'm sorry Miss Woods, I didn't mean to walk into you, I was just leaving." Spencer Rockford smiled apologetically and somewhat flirtatiously. He'd never admit it but he was seriously crushing on Kyla.
"No, no. It's okay. I was in such a hurry I wasn't looking. Of course I also wasn't expecting you to be leaving so soon. Usually you're here for another half hour." Kyla babbled. She found the masseuse very attractive and was therefore unable to speak normally.
"She ended it early for some reason. I'm not complaining though, I still got paid the whole amount." Shit. Spencer thought. You never talk money with the girl you're crushing on. But she just smiled and nodded and entered her loft.
"I guess I'll see you around, tomorrow." Kyla gave him a half smile before closing the door. Her cheeks were flushed and she was embarrassed.
Kyla made her way to the kitchen, the left over pizza was calling her, she just hoped her sister hadn't gotten there first. She laughed a little to her self and shook her head, Ashley was like a garbage disposal when it came to cold pizza. One time she had ordered pizza and didn't eat it until it was cold, claiming it was better that way. Kyla disagreed, she liked hot pizza, which is why she'd always microwave the left overs. Once she microwaved half a pizza, not because she was miss piggy or anything but just to make Ashley wait until it cooled down to appropriate cold pizza eating temperature. Ashley, impatient as she is put the slices in the freezer then went to take a bath. She'd forgotten all about the pizza and went out to dinner. They still had frozen pizza in their freezer.
Kyla opened up the pizza box on the counter, there was only one piece left. She wondered if Ashley had already had some or if they were just that hungry last night. Since Kyla was still on iffy grounds with her half sister she decided to offer the piece to Ashley. There was never a reason to be on Ashley's bad side, so one tried their best to avoid it, even if it meant sacrificing left over pizza. Of course, Kyla figured, if Ashley does want the pizza she'd kindly reheat it for her. Hey, that's what sisters are for.
Kyla knocked on Ashley's door, having walked in on her and Spencer and her and Aiden and occasionally just her. She waited, nothing. They had separate bathrooms so it was possible for the girl to be in hers and unable to answer the door. Kyla opened the door, hoping to not find Ashley in a compromising position, as she did a couple nights ago right after Spencer Rockford left. There on the floor was Ashley crying uncontrollably, her body heaving trying to get air into the lungs. Ashley's hands were wiping away tears and snot and pulling at her hair. Her knees were curled up against her chest making the small girl look smaller.
Kyla rushed forward and embraced Ashley in a hug, expecting Ashley to push her away physically and spit out some sarcastic comment to push her away emotionally. Instead her half sister hugged back with such force Kyla thought she was trying to squeeze the life out of her. She didn't say anything, there was nothing to say. Kyla just let her cry, no words of comfort would take away the pain. Frankly, Kyla had been expecting this, ever since the breakup/hookup that first week of school.
Ashley did not know what possessed her to allow Kyla to hug her and she couldn't for the life of her figure out exactly why she hugged back. She wasn't entirely sure why Kyla would risk walking in on her in an interesting position but found herself glad that Kyla didn't fully comprehend the knock concept. She hated to admit she needed comfort, and hated it even more that she wanted it too. But right now that was too much to think about. She was hurting and Kyla was simply being there for her and it felt right.
"I messed up. I messed it all up." She sniffled into her younger sisters shoulder. She'd have to remember to buy her a new shirt. She laughed slightly and Kyla laughed with her, probably relieved for a cut in the tension. Ashley wasn't so out of it to notice that Kyla wasn't disagreeing with her.
"I miss her." A whole new wave of tears started and she tightened her grip on Kyla even more.
"I know." Was all the Baltimore native could say. She wished she could say 'Spencer misses you too' or even 'you still have Spencer, nothing to miss' fix it response. But, alas, she could not lie to her sister. That's not to say that Spencer Carlin didn't miss the diva, it just meant that Kyla didn't know, she wasn't exactly buddy-buddy with the blonde these days.
"Do you… do you, uh, think maybe… Maybe she'd uh, you know… take me back?" Ashley cried, she was teetering on the edge of hysterics and Kyla knew she needed to take control before her sister lost all concept of it.
"Maybe." Despite Kyla's intentions to lie and comfort her big sister nothing came out but a lousy 'I don't know' answer.
"What if I beg?" Surprisingly Ashley had somewhat calmed down and pulled away from the embrace and looked at her sister in the eyes. Kyla looked down, not wanting to make eye contact.
"If I got down on my hands and knees and begged her, pleaded with her to take me back? Do you think she would?" Kyla had to curse herself for looking up into Ashley's eyes. They were so sincere, so sad and full of so much hope that Kyla felt like a monster for having to poke a hole in the hope balloon.
"Would you really want it that way? For her to take you because she pities you?" It was Ashley's turn to look down, a few fat tears slid down her cheeks so impossibly slow.
"Yes." Ashley whispered. It wasn't ideal, and it'd probably come back to haunt her like most of her ghosts, but still, she'd be with Spencer. What else mattered?
"Ash?" Kyla used her fingers to tilt the singer's chin upward, it was an incredibly overused romantic gesture but in this case it was meant as a way to see eye to eye, to open the windows of the soul. As soon as eye contact was met, Kyla blinked longer than a standard blink, she wanted so desperately to close the windows, they were letting the cold air in and the abominable snowman just put her own soul into a half nelson lock. She shivered and pulled the sad girl closer to her.
"Spencer would be crazy to want you." She felt Ashley shudder. "It's a good thing she's certifiably so." She kind of laughed, the laugh that was more like pushing air out of the side of your mouth and saying 'huh'. She felt Ashley smile into her shoulder and then blow her nose on her shirt.
"Ugh. Eww. Did you really have to do that?" Ashley nodded her head.
"I want my men." Kyla did a double a take, she thought they were talking about Spencer, a pretty blonde girl. Then she laughed.
"Coming right up!" Kyla helped Ashley to the bed and then made a trip to the freezer.
Kyla was just entering the room when Ashley's phone started to ring. Ashley made a move for it, to check who was calling. She held the phone up so Kyla could read the caller ID.
Spencer calling.
Spencer calling.
"Pick it up." Kyla shrugged. She didn't know if it was a good idea to for Ashley to talk, if Ashley could even manage to get words out of her mouth. But it was Spencer, and if anybody could make Ashley feel better she'd be the one.
"Hello." Not surprisingly it sounded like Ashley had been crying. Kyla made a signal with her head that she was just going to leave. Ashley nodded, thankful to be alone for this conversation.
'Call me' Kyla mouthed and made the universal call me hand signal, which was an inverted 'hang ten' by the ear and mouth.
"Hello." Ashley sounded like she had been crying and Spencer was on panic alert. She didn't like it when Ashley cried.
"What's wrong? Have you been crying?" She asked frantically while searching for the car keys so she could come over and comfort her former lover.
"No, no. I just finished watching 'A Walk to Remember' and 'The Notebook' with Kyla." Spencer wasn't convinced, she'd made Ashley watch those movies with her early in their courting period, when there was obvious flirtation but she was still trying to accept being gay and Ashley was too scared or too patient to make a move, and Spencer had been the blubbering emotional one at the end. But, if Ashley didn't want to tell her then who was she to force it out of her.
"So, uh? What's up?" Ashley asked filling the lull in the conversation, hoping to hell and back that Spencer didn't remember that the only movie to ever make her cry was 'Old Yeller'.
"Huh?" Spencer was still trying to find the keys, while changing into something that said 'I'm going to my ex's and want to look smoking hot but don't want her to think I dressed up for her'.
"Why'd you call?" Ashley was confused Spencer, which was nothing new, but she could've sworn she heard a shoe being thrown against the closet wall. Ashley would know that sound anywhere considering how many times a day she does that herself.
"Oh yeah." She laughed absentmindedly and Ashley practically melted further into her 'Spencer broke up with me' depression. "I rented a few movies and wanted to know if you wanted to watch them with me, or something. I just need to get out of the house. It's the Carlin family fight hour."
For someone who was never going to give up, it seemed to Spencer that Ashley had indeed given up and it was a little unsettling. It was like a stomach ache that wouldn't go away no matter how many bottles of pepto bismol is consumed. Sure, there was a time when Spencer didn't want to be chased, especially by the person who kidnapped her heart and wouldn't even ransom it out. And sure she had a girlfriend now, who was great in a million of ways except one: she wasn't Ashley. And okay if she wants to be honest and she doesn't, she'd admit that her new beau and her had had a giant fight and her instinct just happened to be to hang out with her ex to make some dark haired beauty jealous. It wasn't fair to any of them, but Spencer was sick of always being the nice one, thinking about others and consequences. For once, she was going to go with her instincts, that seemed to be in working order considering the whole Aiden fiasco.
"Oh. I'm not really up for that." The tears were once again welling up in Ashley's eyes and it took so much will power to turn down a quasi date with Spencer, she wasn't sure if she had any left to fight the tears. She sniffled and hoped it wasn't audible over the phone.
"Right." The disappointment was so blatantly obvious that Ashley almost shot up with glee to jump on her bed and Spencer wanted to rewind to Prom night and be taken out by the Northridge gang. And then she thought of her brother Clay and then she started to cry. It wasn't a fleeting tear or two, it was the hitched breath and the torrential downpour of salty tears. She hung up the phone and curled up into a little ball and rocked back and forth. She did not handle death very well.
Ashley felt like she'd been slapped in the face. Did she really make Spencer cry? And then she too started to cry. She cried out for Kyla to bring the ice cream.
Glen was on his way out of the house, he was not sticking around to listen to his parents fight. And he was not going to get dragged into it. He walked past Clay's room, which was still in perfect order and closed the door. Some days were harder than others, this one was harder than the hard ones. Eleven years ago Clay had become a Carlin, today marked the anniversary. Everyone was on edge and everyone was angry. It was time to retreat to their own corners and throw the towel in, so he was off to find Aiden and go to the gym and kick the shit of the punching bag, and then he wanted to find Madison and have her comfort him, or else get wasted. Preferably both.
He was on his way downstairs when he heard his baby sister, barely, crying over the sound of his parents ripping each other a new one. He paused outside her door, debating on whether he should stop and be a good brother, today of all days, or to just keep on his merry way. He looked over, by some unexplainable force at Clay's closed bedroom door. Clay would have stayed and comforted his little sister. Glen was all about honoring Clay's memory so he opened the door to his sisters room. He told himself it was for no other reason than because Clay would have done it, no need to ruin his reputation.
"Spence?" He saw her crying hysterically, half dressed, literally. The jeans she had decided on were only on one leg, and her blouse was buttoned haphazardly. She had one strappy sandal shoe on but unstrapped. He hair was half up, mostly down and her makeup was smeared all over her face. It appeared to Glen that she either had someone hiding in her closet or she was on her way out, away from the memory of what today meant to them, before this happened. Before she became so overwrought with grief that she just had to shut down.
Glen hurried over to her and hugged her. She didn't hug back and he didn't expect her to. Spencer was the most easy going person on the planet except for two instances, when she was ill or when she was grieving. She would turn into a 'gruff monster', as Clay would term it, when she was sick. She would whine for what felt like hours that she was hungry and then when food, whatever she had demanded, was in front of her she lost her appetite. She was fussy and turned into a terrible two year old. Clay had dubbed her the 'gruff monster' on one particularly bad flu spell because she only answered questions in quick one word answers with a scratchy low voice. Clay said she reminded him of one of his foster parents, a fifty year old man that was balding with a beer belly. Spencer had laughed and then growled and then demanded he buy her a candy bar. Clay had, of course bought her the kit kat bar, Glen wasn't sure if he would have himself, but it made Spencer smile brightly and proclaim "you're my favorotist brother ever!" and then stick her tongue out at Glen. But when Spencer was grieving, she shut down. She just cried and cried and zoned out. He'd give anything for the gruff monster to come out and growl at him and demand he buy her a candy bar. Glen's pretty sure he'd actually buy it, if for no other reason than to see her smile. He didn't care if she wouldn't proclaim him as her favoritist brother ever. It wouldn't matter if she did anyway, he was her only brother now.
And suddenly that thought brought tears to Glen's eyes and he didn't hold back. Because crying in front of his sister was the only time he felt like he could cry. Without warning Glen felt arms encircle him and offer him comfort. He felt like wrenching himself out of her hold and tell her he was a tough guy, he didn't need his little sister to comfort him. But he couldn't do it. He'd never felt so himself, so free then right now in her arms. They had come to an understanding, and a mutual agreement. They could come to one another whenever it got bad, no matter what. And nobody was going to find out. Because Glen didn't want to be considered a Brady kid anymore than Spencer did.
"Hey, little sis." Some more tears fell from his eyes and dropped on Spencer's head. She squeezed him a little tighter as if to say "I know, I hurt too."
"Hey big brother." She barely got out before she lost control again and had to fight to catch her breath.
"This sucks." Glen identified the atmosphere. Spencer nodded her head. A few seconds passed, a few more tears fell, Spencer got her breathing under control and wasn't crying quite as much, and then they heard more yelling from downstairs.
And then Glen laughed. And then Spencer laughed.
"Come on gruff monster, let's escape this madness." She froze at the term of endearment and he cursed himself for being so foolish.
"You know, Glen. Clay might be my favoritist brother, but you're my bestest brother ever." Glen smirked and turned around to let Spencer finish dressing. When she finished, which in Glens opinion took way too long, she had an entirely new outfit on and had taken her makeup off but hadn't reapplied any.
"Come on" he urged her and grabbed her hand "You're just going to have to go au natural." He pulled her forcibly to the door, barely giving her time to grab her purse, which didn't match her outfit, and her cell phone that was lost between the covers.
At the top of the stairs Glen pulled Spencer into a tight hug and whispered into her ear.
"You're my favoratist and bestest sister!" She laughed and smacked him the shoulder.
"Seriously Spence, I couldn't ask for a better sister because there is none." The mood was serious and Spencer had tear threatening to fall so Glen had to ruin the moment, if for no other reason then to stop the crying.
"Even though your gay." She hit again, but harder this time. But she laughed and stuck her tongue out at him.
"Glen!" She exclaimed, fake appalled at his behavior for ruining such a sibling bonding moment.
"I demand you buy me a Kit Kat Bar." He chuckled, and shook his head.
"Not a chance, little sister." Some memories, Glen knew, belonged between Clay and Spencer and only them, he would undoubtedly steal some of them, but this one, he vowed, would stay between the two of them. He was going to buy her a snickers, she needed to be reminded to take a break every once in a while anyway.
Arthur and Paula had stopped their petty fight when they noticed their children at the top of the stairs. Both of them looked to have been crying, not so surprising for Spencer but for Glen they were floored. For some reason they didn't interrupt the moment, not really seeing a reason to. Arthur knew everyone dealt with grief differently, and he was sure Spencer hadn't really dealt at all, and Paula had told him she wasn't sleeping very well which just amplifies the gravity of today even more. Glen had dealt with Clay's death quickly and without spinning out of control. He wasn't angry, he wasn't in denial, he wasn't overly sad, he had just accepted that death happens and it hurts. But he also knew Glen was hurting just as much as them, he missed his brother too, it wasn't fair to assume that Glen had moved on. Paula, usually one to ruin such moments, stood still and quiet and watched as Glen hugged his sister and how she hugged him back and then how Glen had easily turned the mood around to more of a joking one. She felt pride for how well Glen had turned out, drugs and army aside, he was a overall great young man. He was compassionate and intuitive yet friendly and juvenile at the same time. He could handle all of life's kicks and punches. Spencer, the gay issue aside because that was really something not in her favor, was growing into a fine woman. She was still young and it shined obviously through her eyes. She was smart but Paula wasn't sure she really understands the dangers in this world. She was innocent, which is every parents' dream and fear. She hadn't been corrupted, she still thinks about puppy dog smiles and rainbows, maybe rainbows a little too much, but that of course left room for her to be corrupted, for someone to come and corrupt her. But then again, Paula thought miserably, she didn't really know her daughter at all, not anymore, maybe not ever. Arthur had told her he suspected while they still in Ohio, even her mother had figured it out. It wasn't until they moved to L.A. though, that Spencer even realized it and then when she did she was terrified to tell anyone. If, and Paula stressed if, this is who Spencer is, she's glad she had Ashley around to help her figure it out. Arthur had told her a million times that if Ashley loves Spencer, like she so clearly does, then Ashley deserves to be loved back or at the very least be recognized benevolently as someone who loves her daughter. But, where is Ashley now? Where was Ashley when Spencer cried herself to sleep and sometimes beyond sleep for weeks after the shooting. It made her angry, how Spencer had been left alone in such a time. And then it made her mad at Clay for dying in the first place. She wished she could just cry, like Spencer and Glen, but she was beyond crying, she was furious. She welcomed him into her family and she gave him all the love and he just goes and dies on her.
The door clicked and Paula realizes that her kids left. She turned to Arthur who was looking stoic and sad and probably fifteen years older, and she yelled. She wasn't mad at him, and he knew that. She just needed to yell and scream until she couldn't anymore. Arthur knew this too. He also knew, what Paula didn't, that she wasn't angry at Clay so much as herself, for packing up their home and memories in Ohio to chase after a career and a former lover. He knew she was angry at herself for the affair, for not noticing Glen's drug addiction, for handling Spencer being gay in all the wrong ways. And beyond all her self hatred and her fake hatred at Clay for dying she's angry at the Northridge boys for not only killing Clay but for killing those other three students, for shooting countless others, for putting her other children in danger and the ones they care about in danger, for making her remaining children mourn their brother's loss and for having them wake up in the middle of the night screaming "GUN" over and over and over again until someone turns the light on and tells them they are at home and they are safe. And she's angry at those Northridge boys because even as she tries to calm her son down her daughter walks in and informs them that this isn't a home anymore, that they aren't safe and they never will be, and that they barely qualify as a family unit anymore before going back to her room to cry because her brother is dead and the one person she wants is in Europe and isn't returning her calls.
Finally Paula can't yell anymore. She's crying too much to make sense. Her grown up son is afraid of the dark and the real world while her innocent baby girl has been corrupted by the evils in this world. Nothing feels right anymore, nothing is normal. And suddenly and cruelly her daughter is right, they are barely a family.
Kyla and Ashley had successfully finished off two pints of Ben and Jerry's. Kyla had dragged her sister from her bed to the couch and turned on the TV so they could watch other peoples soap opera lives unravel. Ashley was surprisingly in better spirits after she picked up from off the floor. She told Kyla she inadvertently made Spencer cry which made her cry even more and feel even more unworthy of Spencer. When Kyla asked exactly how she managed to make the cheery girl go from, well cheery, to full on crying, Ashley clamped up, saying she didn't really know. Which was the truth, kind of, but the idea that Spencer would start crying because the brunette didn't want to watch movies with her was something she couldn't get into. She didn't want to think about how Spencer might totally want her, because the more she did think about it the more she realized that Spencer was crying for another reason. So Ashley didn't think about it, at all. She let Kyla pester her with a reheated slice of pizza, because it took her mind off the blonde.
"So tell me little sister, anyone you want to get with?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Um, so I can warn them, duh!" The sisters started laughing. It felt good to not be crying.
"Actually there is. But I should probably warn them about you." Kyla responded, trying to drag the fun out as long as possible.
"Of course you should. I'm pretty scary, and hot." They were about two seconds away from entering the 'you stole my boyfriend' territory. But at least they both knew it and both tried to ignore. Plus, Aiden wasn't worthy of either of them. And they both knew it and even he finally figured it out.
"So, name?" Ashley urged, trying to sidestep any fight or general uneasiness between her and her half sister.
"Spencer." Kyla answered without thinking. Ashley's face fell but was quickly replaced with anger and rage. Kyla finally realizing her mistake took a back step or a step forward, who knew.
"Rockford. You know, your masseuse." Ashley's face relaxed but she was clearly done with sisterly bonding. Unfortunately Kyla didn't think it was that clear and kept going.
"Why do you have a masseuse named Spencer anyway, was it just a really weird coincidence or what?"
"I requested a Spencer, so that I wouldn't call out the wrong name." Her voice was flat trying to make Kyla realize that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. Although, clearly since she answered, she wanted to keep talking about it. Something was clearly wrong with her to request a Spencer to give her back rubs. Of course she'd actually requested a blonde blue eyed female Spencer but Rockford was the only Spencer the agency had, other agencies didn't have any, so she was stuff with the red head.
"What exactly do you pay him for?" Kyla's voice had raised an octave or two causing Ashley to crack up laughing and to crawl out of her 'leave me alone' cave.
"To massage me, what else, perv!" Kyla threw a pillow, at Ashley, who was unaware that her little half sister called a pillow face, took the feathery rectangle to the face.
"Oh this is war!" Ashley smacked the pillow back at Kyla and soon feathers were flying everywhere.
Glen and Spencer drove around randomly until the puffiness around their eyes went away. They hung out at an In N' Out eating double double cheeseburgers and fries with shakes. There were three flavors and only two of them so naturally they each got one of every flavor. They were siblings, not friends, so they didn't share milkshakes.
"So, where were heading out to, you know before…?" He trailed off, not wanted to go back there. Glen swears if he ever sees Spencer cry like that again he will cry too.
"I was going to go watch some movies with Ashley." She hoped he wouldn't make a big deal out of it. She was allowed to still be friends with her ex, despite the crazy laws against it that her current comes up with.
"Oh, well you want me to drop you off." Glen didn't care about his sister's sex life, he liked to pretend it didn't exist.
"She actually doesn't want me to come over, so…uh no."
"What about Carmen's place?" She shook her head.
"We're fighting. Plus I'm just not ready for her to see me like a complete and utter crying mess." Glen nodded.
"Where were you off to? Cause I can just chill downtown somewhere."
"Gym. Bar. Madison's. You can come." It was odd Glen realized. One minute they were the best of friends, the next they were back to being siblings who didn't often get along.
"Right, I'll pass." Spencer noticed the change too. It felt normal. It felt like what she had been missing since prom.
"I'm not going to just drop you off in downtown LA and let you let you find your own way home, for all I know, you'll come home with a tattoo." Her eyes lit up and he shook his head. Tattoos went against the bible, or so he'd been told, it's not like he'd actually read it.
"Please. It'll be like a sibling bonding moment." He liked the idea. He hated that he liked the idea.
"It'll hurt."
"It already hurts." Well, with an honest to god statement like that Glen could in no way refuse her.
"Alright let's go. Don't forget your milkshakes, might need it afterwards."
The tattoo and piercing parlor wasn't nearly as tacky and run down inside as it was outside and for an extra fifty they overlooked that she was a minor without parental consent, she just had to forge her mom's signature on a waiver form. Glen went first, choosing be all tacky and sentimental getting a simple 'RIP C' on his ankle in small letters. It hurt and he tried to be macho. Spencer laughed, still deciding what she wanted and where she wanted it. In the end, she just went for it. She sat down in the chair, told her brother to wait outside or something, then pulled her pants down and told the artist exactly where she wanted a script 'A'. It hurt and she cried, but it felt good, to feel physical pain over emotional. When it was done and the bandage placed over it, it finally sunk in what she'd done. A tattoo is permanent. She just got a permanent reminder of her ex-girlfriend in a very intimate spot.
She didn't tell Glen what she got, but where she got it so he would never ask to see it. He chuckled.
"Mom'll never see it either, which is good. Or else I'm dead. You don't have a tattoo until your eighteen, got it." She nodded. "And for the love of god, don't let it get infected!" She nodded again, a little more fearful. Sure her mother would kill her, but if it got infected her mother would kill her, her brother, the tattoo guy and even worse would make her explain exactly why she got that particular marking in that particular place. Plus she'd have an infection.
"So there's a blockbuster over there, you could rent some movies and I could drop you off at their place. I know you said she doesn't want you there, but if she's your friend she'll let you be there because you want to be. But I got to go kick some punching bag, let off some steam." He said in a concerned brother tone making it hard to just sit there and not tell him everything. But some things are best talked about between girls. She nodded her head. They were already in the blockbuster parking lot anyway. She had nothing to lose, really. She already pushed Ashley away, her girlfriend and her were on the outs whether Carmen knew that or not, and she'd hardly seen Kyla anyway. So by going there, what could she possible lose?
She picked up some movies, the story line was blah but they had hot girls in bikinis. She figured at the very least Ashley wouldn't turn down 'Into the Blue' and would have to let her stay. She bought some sour patch kids, milk duds and the microwave popcorn in the bucket.
"Is this all ma'am?" The bored teenager asked. She hated that she was called ma'am. She hated that the goofy looking, braces wearing curly haired boy didn't think she was hot. Sure, it would be more of a nuisance if he did, but it would make her feel better. Oh well. She was about to yes when she turned her head and noticed the Red Vines, Ashley would kill her if she didn't have Red Vines, so she grabbed a couple packets, okay 4, and tossed them in the pile. She paid and quickly left. It was getting late and she was getting tired, good thing she got a scary movie too.
Glen hugged her as she left the car, and tossed her a snickers.
"It's not a kit kat." She cut him off with a kiss to the cheek. It's times like these she's thankful Glen hadn't been the one to die. He could pull off being nice and sweet and caring. But Clay could never pull off being a jerk. She shoved that thought to the back of her mind. She won't cry again tonight.
She ran up and caught the door to the building as someone had entered. She didn't want to have to use the intercom, on the off chance that Ashley didn't want her around at all, then she'd have to stand outside in the cold. Going up stairs was really painful considering where her tattoo just happens to be. She winced but trudged through. This pain was worth having, kind of. You know the pain of regret and all that jazz.
She stopped outside the door and heard laughing. Could she do this, ruin a sibling moment? She turned around and walked down a flight of stairs, going down was even more painful, before going back up. She paced down the hall, past the elevator twice before she realized there was an elevator. She tried to kick herself but failed, again the stupid tattoo. Finally she sucked it up and knocked on the door. There was some more laughing and some playful screaming. Now she really hoped it was a sibling moment, not some girl keeping Ashley's bed warm, or Aiden for that matter.
Kyla opened the door, surprised to see Spencer standing outside, with movies and a bag of candy.
"Spencer?" She asked a little louder than intended. Spencer stood there and just looked at her.
"Spencer?" She heard Ashley in the background.
"Yours or mine?" Ashley asked then started laughing. Spencer arched her eyebrow and shrugged her shoulders.
"Yours." Kyla yelled back to Ashley who seemed to shut up quickly. Ashley got up and walked to the door.
"Spencer?" Again with the question.
"Come on guys, I know I don't have any make up on…" Ashley laughed and opened the door so Spencer could enter.
"I know you said not to come over and all, but… well sorry… I'll uh… um leave, yeah I'll just leave." She turned to go when Kyla, who was still at the door, kicked the door shut and put the safety chain on.
"Nope, you're stuck now." She went to her room and grabbed her purse and keys and went to leave the chain stopped her exit.
"Huh? Apparently so am I." She unlocked the door and left. Spencer and Ashley looked at each other, the awkwardness was evident.
"This was a bad idea. I'm sorry I ruined your night." Spencer went to leave, she had no ride and it was cold outside, but it was pretty nippy inside too.
"You could never ruin my night." It was so quiet both girl were wondering if it had actually be said.
"So what'd you get? I see Red Vines."
After the initial tension in the room, things simmered down to normal. Normal. Spencer loved the word and hated it at the same time. She loved how it felt but missed it terribly. Nothing was really normal anyway, not anymore. Because no matter how right it felt to be snuggled up against Ashley watching a movie it wasn't. Before when she'd done this she had two parents and two brothers to go home to and Ashley was more than a friend, even when they claimed they weren't. Now her brother was dead and Ashley was just a friend and barely that.
"Can I ask you a question?" Ashley spoke interrupting the comfortable silence. When Spencer didn't say anything Ashley smacked her with a Red Vine. She wanted to do something a little bit more attention grabbing, but refrained from doing so. Still the candy worked it's magic.
"Uhuh." Spencer didn't tear her eyes away from the screen, she was afraid to. She didn't want to see those beautiful brown eyes, to see the pain, the loss, the hurting, the concern. Or maybe she didn't want Ashley to see her eyes, her lust filled eyes.
"Look at me Spence." Ashley knew this game, they'd played for months before they got together. Spencer sighed and looked up, she stared straight into the brown eyes. Ashley had to look away, the intensity, the passion, the incredible amount of hurt. It was all too much to handle.
"Why did you start to cry?" Spencer let out a breath of relief. Until she realized she'd have to answer it. It was an easy question and much better than the "why aren't we together?" question she had expected. But it just brought a lot of emotions to the table. Ashley was strong, physically and mentally. Emotionally she was like a caved in igloo. Besides why bring up the reason you broke up with her. Seriously why not just tell the brunette how incredibly unstable she's been since her brother's death, how she can't sleep at night, how her family is falling apart and she's part of the problem. Why not tell just Ashley that Carmen is abusive and that she doesn't fight back, accepts it because it feels like she deserves to be punished for being who she is. Why not open up that can of worms?
"Major missing Clay issue." Spencer answered. It was the truth without actually being the truth.
"Yikes. I'm sorry."
"Why were you really crying when I called?" Spencer tried to see if she'd get the truth.
"Major missing you issue." Ashley practically swallowed her tongue. She could not believe she'd just said that. The truth was against her. Spencer seemed to freeze up, not surprisingly. Ashley wished she could undo that moment of stupidity, but out of all the re-dos she wants that one would be at the bottom. The first one would be to not make Aiden dance with her at Prom, or to shut him the hell up with an "I love Spencer, not you" response, or to not run off to Europe when Spencer needed her. Or maybe asking Spencer to prom in the first place.
"Oh, I should go." Spencer got up, winced, which didn't go unnoticed by Ashley and made a move to the door.
"No, Spence, hear me out." Ashley was desperate, she'd made a mistake being honest, maybe now, she could turn it into something better.
"I uh, I know I messed up. That's just who I am, I guess. The one who messes up when things suck. I don't know exactly what moment I regret the most concerning our break up, probably the disappearing act or the…" She paused she didn't want to mention Aiden.
"The night of, after thing. And I know I said I'd never give up, and then just did. And I know I'm not good enough for you." Spencer tried to interrupt.
"No, let me finish. Spence I know that we're different and not really made for each other. I know you deserve best and I know at some point you would've realized this and left me anyway." She tried to catch her breath.
"I love you. I can't say it enough. I love you. I am so pathetically in love with you… I don't even make sense. It's just I never felt so good, so calm and so…just me, like… You make me feel. And that's just it, I feel when I'm around you. I'm not so numb with you around." Once again Spencer tried to interject but Ashley wouldn't have it, she held up her hand to stop and then the one minute finger to think about what to say next.
"I need you. I know you were slumming it with me before, and I know you'll eventually move on to someone a little more deserving than me. But… does it have to be now. Can't you just keep slumming it with a little longer?" Ashley stopped, tears rolled down her face, but she felt better after having said that. She tried to prepare herself for the inevitable, 'No'. But nothing happened.
"I'm, uh.. I'm done." Ashley clarified. Spencer nodded her head trying to wrap her head around the emotional monsoon of words.
"I think you're wrong. You are too good for me. I hold you back." Spencer paused, and let out a long breath. She promised herself she wouldn't cry anymore tonight.
"I should just leave. It was a bad idea to come here." Normally Ashley would be upset and make a big deal about that last comment, but she was too confused to worry about that. How could they both think the other was too good for them. She grabbed Spencer's wrist, stopping her from leaving.
"Why?"
"Why, what?"
"Why? How could you possibly think I am too good for you. I broke your heart, I practically cheated on you, I party way too much and have no emotional grounding. You're like perfect. Why do you think I'm too good for you?" Ashley wasn't sure what was going on, but she somehow sensed there was more to this than she initially thought.
"You treat me good, kind of like a fairy, or a princess or something people hold above them. I don't deserve that."
"I treat you the way you should be treated. You're priceless Spencer." They were whispering and were impossibly close to one another without actually tearing each others clothes off.
"No. You're wrong." Spencer tried to pull away from the intense eye lock and the conversation and Ashley's touch.
"I'm not." Ashley had had enough, she was just going to go for it. She leaned in and kissed the blonde. When Spencer pulled back, Ashley followed. It didn't take long for Spencer to kiss back, to moan and sigh into Ashley's mouth. Ashley smiled and pulled Spencer closer to her.
They retreated to the bedroom, jumping into what they weren't ready for. A kiss can take away doubts but sex, love making, whatever it was would only add more. Ashley tugged at Spencer's shirt, Spencer went right down to business and slid her hand down Ashley's pajama pants. Ashley jumped, surprised and turned on. She ripped Spencer's shirt off before discarding her own. She saw some bruises but in her aroused state she ignored them, it was probably nothing anyway. Spencer's mouth found her breast bone and sucked and nibbled. Ashley sighed and squirmed under Spencer's touch. The timid blond was unusually aggressive. Ashley didn't have time to ponder why. There was no way she was going to let Spencer have all the fun. She pulled at Spencer's jeans.
"Off." She breathed as she tugged some more. Spencer reluctantly pulled away from the brunette and slid her jeans off. She started to resume her position but Ashley held her back, staring at the white gauze on her upper inner thigh.
"It doesn't hurt. Let's go." Spencer leaned in and kissed Ashley's lips, but that was all it was, Ashley wouldn't let her go any further.
"Oh my god. It all makes sense now. That whole you treat me too good speech and everything."
"What?" The blonde was having a blonde moment.
"You're cutting yourself. And those bruises…" Spencer pulled the bandage off and shyly smiled as Ashley saw the script 'A' in black ink. She smiled, a little confused. If they were broken up, why would she…?
"Uh, wow. I don't really know what to say."
"It stands for Abstinence. It better hurry up and change that." Ashley laughed and Spencer pulled her in for a deep kiss, her hands taking off the singers bra. Ashley pulled back.
"And the bruises?"
"Not important." Spencer made a move again but Ashley held off.
"It is to me."
Spencer sat up, clearly she wasn't going to get lucky. She looked around her shirt and jeans. She started to get dressed.
"Hey no, that's not what I meant, okay? Just stop dressing okay." Spencer stopped and sighed.
"Just tell me. It's me, Ashley Davies, I'm not some wolf in disguise." She laughed, Spencer didn't.
"I kind of, uh… let my girlfriend push me around." And sometimes she slugs me in the stomach and I feel like I can't breath for days afterwards, but eh?
"You what?" Ashley was beyond outraged. She knew Spencer had a girlfriend, that she didn't care about so much as Spencer getting hurt and letting herself get hurt. She might not be cutting, but she might as well be.
"I'll kill her! I'm going to kill you. How? Why? Spencer… exactly what is wrong with you?"
"See? See what I mean? You're too…"
"Don't even say it. I'm pretty messed up myself, okay?" Ashley snapped but looking at her priceless porcelain doll with her teary blue eyes were like looking into the window of a depressed persons tree house, you could see all the pain because it was so clearly there, but it was too easy to ignore.
"Can you just drop it? Just for tonight. I haven't gotten a good nights sleep since before prom, and I'd like to try." To Ashley that made sense, people who didn't sleep were generally disturbed in one way or another.
"Sure baby." They cuddled up next to each other and fell into a hopefully fitfully free night.
Glen stumbled out of the cab and upstairs to his room. He opened Spencer's room to see if she was in, she wasn't. He opened Clay's room and stared at it. He was almost drunk enough to imagine the black boy sleeping in his bed. He finally walked into his room and turned on the light before passing out on his bed. Sometimes he was more afraid of the light than the dark, at least in the dark he could make believe. Which is why Glen sleeps with the light on.
A/N: I apologize for any gramatical or spelling errors. I hope you liked. Please review while i work on chapter 2. I'm always up for ideas so throw some my way and i'll try to work them in/