This is my first fanfiction ever so I have no idea if I did it right. The story isn't finished yet, but I already have a few chapters written (most will be longer than this one). Also, English isn't my mother language so I apologize in advance for any major and/or minor mistakes. I hope you like what I wrote, but if you don't, that's fine too. Please review!
NOVEMBER
Rachel's POV:
Emma's been gone for three weeks now. My Emma. My little gold star.
There are so many things that have to be taken care of and I can't bring myself to do it. Every time I try to get something done it ends in me crying.
This is killing me, all of this is freaking killing me! It hurts to breath because I know Emma can't anymore.
She's gone.
After spending months and months in the hospital, rushing from one doctor to another, she's actually really gone now.
It was all for nothing.
Nobody could help her.
Not even me. Her mother.
When I close my eyes I see bits and pieces from days in the hospital, the funeral, people who are searching for words to make this better. But they can't. Nobody can make this better. Because she's gone. And she's not coming back. My sweet little 4-year-old angel is gone.
Why? Why? Why? She wasn't ready to go yet, her life hadn't even really started. She wasn't ready to go, I wasn't ready for her to leave me.
This loss is driving me crazy and I don't know how, if, I will ever survive this.
I remember the days in high school when I was crushed because I had a sore throat because it meant I wouldn't be able to sing for a few days, I remember the days when I lived for applause.
But all of that changed when Finn and I really started dating, all of a sudden the only thing I cared more about than myself was him. And years later, he gave me my daughter and when I held her in my arms for the first time, I knew that as long as she was safe and happy I didn't need anything else. In an instant I didn't care about performing anymore, I didn't care if the people applauded my talent or not, I only cared about her. Just her and my husband. She and Finn became my world, the only thing I lived for.
And now Emma's gone.
And I'm scared of what comes next.
Finn's POV:
I saw Puck today, even though we definitely had our...differences in high school, I consider him my best friend now. High school has been over for a long time and we all grew up in more ways than one. I remember the day I talked to him about wanting to propose to Rachel, how happy he was for me. And a few weeks later, when I told him she'd said yes, how happy he was for both me and her.
He was my best man at our wedding and he was the first one I called after Rachel and I had found out that she...we were pregnant.
He was one of the first people to arrive the day she was born, with a giant teddy bear and a big smile on his face he entered the room. He didn't say it, but I could see by the look on his face that she reminded him of Beth.
Anyways, I'm rambling.
What I wanted to say was, I saw Puck today, my best friend, who has been there for me through all of this, ever since we found out that Emma was sick. He has been my rock, someone I could always lean on when I couldn't take it anymore, but today...all of a sudden I didn't want his arm around me, I couldn't look him in the eye, I didn't want to see the despair in his eyes, it made it so real, too real. Who I was, what I had, it's all gone, just like Emma is.
All that's left are images, Emma in the hospital, Emma with tubes coming out of her little mouth, the monitor indicating her heart rate.
I prayed, I prayed so hard in a God I don't even really believe in. Maybe that's why she didn't make it, because I didn't believe in some God who maybe could save her.
Now I definitely don't believe in a God anymore. I don't believe in anything anymore. We begged Emma to fight and my little girl fought, she fought so hard.
And then I had to let her go.
DECEMBER
Rachel's POV:
It's December, Christmas is drawing closer and it reminds me of last year, when Emma helped me decorate the tree. Who could've known that that would be our last Christmas together, I would've enjoyed it more if I had known what I know now. I would've enjoyed my time with Emma instead of worrying about the amount of food I had to prepare.
We're not going to celebrate Christmas this year, obviously. It just doesn't feel right, it's too soon.
She's been gone for over a month now and I still can't believe she's never going to come back. The first minutes of every morning are the worst because for those few minutes, I think "it was just a bad, fucked up, dream" and then reality sets in and I start to realize it wasn't a dream, it isn't a dream.
It's real, every little thing is real. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking that I heard her voice, one foot already out of bed to go check on her, when I realize she's not going to be there. Then I look at Finn and while hot tears stream down my face I wonder if he sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night too.
I wouldn't know, because he doesn't talk to me. I think he's blaming me for giving away her organs, he agreed to do it because I begged him to but it wasn't his choice.
Maybe I shouldn't have pressured him, but I wanted to give her organs away because I think it's what Emma would've wanted. Even though she was only 4 years old, she hated it when people were sad and she always tried to cheer them up. Finn used to say "that's definitely a quality she has inherited from you, Rach" and that always made me smile.
It just felt right to do at that time and I still don't regret that choice, Emma would be so proud to know that she saved the lives of other kids, other families.
I just wish Finn would talk to me about something, anything.
Finn's POV:
I talked to Brittany at work today, I think it's the first time that I actually really talked about how I'm feeling, how I'm trying to deal with all of this. I try to be strong for Rachel, our family and friends,
I don't want to burden them with my feelings, my sadness and pain, but it's there.
When I go to bed I fall asleep to the image of me holding my dead daughter in my arms, she looked so peaceful, like she was just sleeping. I remember looking at her, my little princess, and I couldn't grasp the fact that this wasn't my daughter anymore.
It's the last image I have of her and it exhausts me, I wish I could remember her as the amazing, little, sweet, sparkling girl she was, but I can't.
The sadness makes me so tired. Brittany understood that, she mostly listened without giving advice.
It's pretty strange how people always want to give you advice about stuff like this. The other day a colleague told me that Rachel and I are still young enough to have another baby and it took everything I had to remain calm. I mean, who the hell does this punk think he is?
I know he probably meant it well, but what the hell does he think? That Emma's replaceable? Like she was just something broken beyond repair and all we can do, have to do, is buy a new one?
If I told this to Rachel, she wouldn't understand why this makes me mad, she'd stick up for those people, tell me they mean it well. Usually I'd find that honorable, how she always sees the best in people, but not in this case. So I just hold my tongue.
I don't think I've spoken two sentences to her this week. Sometimes I hear words coming out of my mouth without actually realizing what I'm saying.
I know Rachel wants me to talk to her but what's there to say?
My little girl is dead. So what's the fucking point?