Rachel didn't knock. She grabbed the doorknob to the door she had been in and out of so many times, took a breath, turned it to the right and stepped inside.
"Rachel?" Santana sat up on the bed where she had been reading in the low light of the lamp near her bed. She closed the book and set it aside, red eyes focusing through the dimly lit room on the girl she hadn't seen in a week. The last time she had laid eyes upon the tiny body it was huddled and broken on her flowery comforter in her bright bedroom. She had shattered the world of the most perfect person she had known and left with only mumbling a soft sorry in her direction.
Rachel held up a hand toward Santana now, shaking her head to keep her from speaking. She took a few short steps toward the bed, lifting a knee and slipped up onto the mattress next to Santana.
I wanna lay in your bed,
Stare in your eyes
Feel your heart beating with mine
One last time
Rachel reached out and slid her arms around Santana's waist, pulling her body against her own and gently laid her down next to her.
"Rach-"
Rachel shook her head, put a hand against Santana's lips and locked her eyes with the dark brown orbs she had once loved to stare into. She took in a deep breath and steeled her nerves as she lie there beside the girl who had broken her. For so long she had been the arms of strength and certainty and in this moment, Rachel wanted to pretend for just a moment she had that again. So her eyes bore into Santana's, saying all the words she had wanted to say but had been lost through sobs the last time they saw one another. She asked all the questions she had wanted to ask as she sobbed out in pain. She didn't blink, she just stared.
Not sure what to do, Santana's arm slid around Rachel finally and at the same time they both shuttered and for the first time in so long neither of them could remember, their hearts both leapt at the same time.
There won't be any tears
That's not why I'm here
Baby turn out the lights and let's disappear
One last time
Rachel swallowed the lump already forming in her throat. She had convinced herself she could do this without shedding a tear. She was angry and hurt and confused and she would bank on that to help get her through this but as she looked into those deep shimmering brown globes she felt her reserves starting to shatter. She had to do something about it. So she lifted onto an elbow, reaching across Santana and switched the lamp on the bedside table off.
Santana watched her every move and as darkness fell over the room and Rachel settled back into the bed, she knew immediately her eyes were closed. Santana felt her breath hitch in her throat and she had to fight the tears swelling up in her eyes. What had she done to the most precious person to ever exist?
Then Rachel's body slid closer, her chin tilted up, and her lips captured Santana's in a way she had never felt before. There was pain in the kiss. Her mouth screamed out the hurt as their lips clashed. For the first time since their first kiss, there was fear and uncertainty and yet the passion they had always reserved for one another was the driving force behind it all.
'Cause I'm not here to fight
About who's wrong or right
I just want your kiss
I wanna feel just like this
One last time, one last time
Rachel lost herself in the kiss. Her lips wrestled with their familiar sparring partner. Lips crept open and tongues found voids to feel. Pink tongue tangled with pink tongue, red lips grew more swollen by the moment. Between pressing back and forth, teeth biting here and there, and lips being sucked between lips, their mouths had a discussion that their words simply could not. Then when Rachel felt her heart might explode and her lungs might collapse, the kiss was broken and lips lingered to find familiar spots.
Rachel's eyes squeezed together tightly and her head craned back as she rolled flat against the mattress and felt Santana move over her again. The warmth of her body sent a shiver through Rachel's spine and for a moment she was lost again. She felt no pain, only comfort. Without thought to her actions, shaking fingers snaked to the hem of the tank Santana wore and tugged it off as if it were her saving grace.
Santana's mouth left Rachel's neck only because she knew the tank top being gone would afford her more skin to press against Rachel. She would feel more of her warmth. She would be able to feel her chest rise with every breath more freely, be able to feel her heart beating against her rib cage, feel her perfect breasts against her own. So her back arched and the tank disappeared. Lips returned to the feast of light skin they had been gorging on as fingers found buttons along a silky blouse and one by one pulled them free until two sides fell open and for the first time since just before leaving this perfect body broken in a heap of sobs, skin touched skin, curves hugged curves, and Santana trembled as she felt whole again.
Your breath on my neck
I don't wanna forget the smell of your skin
Touch me again
One last time
Hands scanned familiar canvass, fingers pulled at buttons on jeans and strings on sweats. Lips continued to taste the skin below them and before either girl could think to say no, they lie there entangled and bare, stripped of anything that would hold them back from one another.
Silky skin slid under Rachel's fingers and she smiled to herself as she navigated the familiar landscape of her favorite vacation spot. She ran over the outline in her mind, saying to herself 'rib, dip, rib, dip, rib, space, dimple, space, hips' before her fingers ever ran over the landmarks below caramel skin. She took in a deep breath to steady herself again, focusing on now and how that this would be the last time she felt this masterpiece under her touch. The kiss they had returned to broke again as Rachel turned her face and buried it against Santana's neck. A deep inhale of breath was felt as her chest rose, froze as she held the scent in her nose for a moment, then fell as she exhaled a hot breath against the dark skin.
Santana shivered, biting back a soft moan as her own hands trembled as they roamed up and over every single valley and peak of this perfect body. God this body, what was she doing?
"Rachel"
But Rachel's hand lifted quickly to the back of her head, fingers buried in deep brown locks of hair, and she pulled her mouth to her own once more, crashing their lips together in silent demanding that no more words were spoken. It was too late for words. Words made no more sense.
'Cause I'm not here to fight
About who's wrong or right
I just want your kiss
I wanna feel just like this
One last time, one last time
Rachel's back arched, long chestnut hair spread out across the pillow below her head, and her hips pushed down for more. Her body was sweating, fingers and arms and legs all trembling, and for the first time in a week Rachel didn't want to cry out in pain. She wanted to wail out in pleasure. She wanted to scream until her face turned blue, not because her world was crumbling, but because nothing else in the world existed but this moment right here. She wasn't numb anymore. She actually felt a smile rising on her lips and ecstasy pouring through her nerves.
Santana's fingers continued to push in and out at a steady pace. Her eyes never once leaving the girl below her and the way her body twitched at every touch of movement from her fingers. The sight on the tiny girl's face below her was almost enough to forget the fingers that were plunging in and out of her own body. Then Rachel would curl her fingers into that spot; that spot she had discovered with such ease their first time and had never let Santana forget about. It was their spot, Santana thought. Fingers pushed into that spot and Santana cried out softly as pleasure ripped through her entire spine, igniting every nerve, and her own fingers jolted to life to return the same sensation.
Rachel panted hard, panted fast, her toes curled against thin air and her hips pushed down in asking for more. She got more. Santana slipped in a third finger and it felt like heaven. It felt perfect. Nothing else mattered because she had this, she had this moment, and in these moments nothing but love existed. There was no pain, no tears, no heart break. There was only strength and love and safety, and oh god that spot.
Santana saw the girl's body stiffen, she watched her bite her lip to fight asking for that again. She didn't need to ask, Santana knew. She knew her inside and out, like a book she had read so many times that the covers were floppy and the spine creased open permanently in some spots. And at the silent begging from her body, Santana gave her all.
Rachel's fingers curled up again. That spot. Over and over and over. She felt Santana quivering now. Up and in, again and again and again. Santana was shaking now. Push, push, push. Santana wouldn't last much longer. And neither would she. For every unrelenting push into Santana, she had one returned to her just as fiercely, just as expertly, and soon her tiny body returned every quiver, tremble, and shake that Santana's gave.
For the first time since sealing Santana's mouth with a kiss to tell her they would not be talking, Rachel mumbled words as her back arched and everything drained from her as she shot to cloud nine and held on for as long as her thundering heart and burning lungs would allow. "Oh my god" was all that slipped out, but it was all Santana needed. Just the sound of her tiny voice, that raspy husked voice that was reserved for screaming her name as she came, just the smallest hint of the voice only Santana had ever heard was enough and she lost control of her body.
And when you fall asleep
I'll kiss your cheek
Whisper goodbye and I'll just leave
One last time
They didn't speak. They laid next one another, sweaty and panting, eyes closed and limbs tossed about the bed in exhaustion. Then when they caught their breath, the found each other's lips. The kisses were softer and silent this time. There wasn't a conversation being held there, either. They kissed until their lungs burned and were forced to roll apart. For the first time in months, maybe ever, Rachel held Santana as the girl drifted off into an exhausted and empty sleep.
Rachel closed her eyes and for the first time that night allowed herself a tear. A single drop of pain slipped from her eye, down her cheek, over her neck and landed into the messy brown hair on top of the girl who she had loved and the girl who had broken her.
Biting a lip to keep quiet, and keep back more tears, Rachel slowly slipped herself from under the weighted body sleeping against her. Fingertips brushed tossed bangs off Santana's eyes and for the last time Rachel took in the peaceful way she slept. She looked like an angel. It was the only time Santana's guard was ever completely down. Even during romantic dinners in the park or watching movies under the stars on her dads projector screen she could always see Santana's walls just a little bit. She had never fully let herself go, let herself be seen, and maybe Rachel should have known. She should have seen this coming. Until Santana can truly and completely love herself then she could never fully be the love Rachel needed.
With that thought, Rachel took a deep breath, leaned over the sleeping girl and placed a kiss against her softened cheek. She stood near the bed, looking down at the peaceful angel before the pain swelled in her heart and she couldn't look anymore. She turned and gathered discarded clothing, slipping it on one by one. Once put back together, she glanced back to the bed she would never lay in again, to the girl she would never watch sleep again. Her chin quivered and she shook her head as she reached for the doorknob. Twisting it open for the last time, she pulled just enough to give her tiny frame room to slip out. She paused and looked back into the room. She took in every darkened detail, closed her eyes and deleted every memory she had ever made in that room. She took a deep breath and before the dam behind her eyes broke completely, she looked toward the sleeping angel, silently forgave her, and whispered "Goodbye, Santana Lopez" before sneaking out of the room for the last time.