Title: When spells go right
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: PG
Warnings: Mentioned fem slash (Willow/Tara)
Spoilers: Season 6, Up to Tabula Rasa
Pairings: Willow/Xander (Willow/Tara)
Description: Willow's spell brings up old feelings between her and Xander.
Setting: Tabula Rasa and just afterwards.
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk
Distribution: If you've had my permission before, you have it now. Anyone else, ask first please.
Disclaimer: I do not own characters or make money from using them.
Author's notes: // Denotes flashback // This is a slight re-write of the episode, plus the trouble that follows afterwards. If you haven't seen 'Tabula Rasa', this may not make much sense at all. I don't claim to have made it word perfect to the episode, so don't nit pick. This is a re-write. Any mistakes are meant to be there *g*.
//For Buffy and Tara this I char, let
Lethe's Bramble do its chore. Purge
their minds of memories grim, of
pains from recent slights and sins...
When the fire goes out. When the
crystal turns black. The spell will
be cast. Tabula rasa. Tabula rasa.
Tabula rasa//
It was like a veil lifting, giving them access to the forbidden areas of the brain. It only took a few seconds for them all to realise what had happened.
Only took Tara one moment to place the blame.
Only took one split second for Xander Harris' life to get turned upside down.
//"Thanks for the jacket, it's cold out there." Willow said, hugging Xander's jacket closer.
"Not a problem. The cold only makes me stronger and more macho-like." Xander grinned.
Willow smiled and walked further into the magic shop as Giles began to tell them his news.
Without warning Buffy stopped mid-rant and everyone in the room blacked out.
Willow and Xander slumped to the floor, lying beside each other, sleeping as soundly as the rest of the room.
*****
The sound of a female 'huh?' and lights switching on startled the sleeping girl. She realised she was lying next to a guy...one she didn't recognise. With a small yelp, she jolted away, waking him.
The boy looked at the girl confusedly. Rationalizing that he'd been very drunk the night before and slept with some unknown girl, he did the only think he could. Bluffed his way out of it. He gave her a sexy smile. "Hey."
Not wanting to hurt his feelings by explaining she had no idea who he was, she replied with her own, not as casual, "Hey?"
The confusion was mirrored on each of their faces as they woke up. No one knew who they were and the boy began to panic. "Who are you freaks?"
The girl frowned. "You don't know me?"
"Not a clue." He replied.
Slightly hurt, she said, "But you just acted all, 'hey.'"
"Yeah, 'cause I thought you were a girl and I'd remember in a second..." He broke off.
"I am a girl!" She said, grabbing her breasts to make a point. "I'm not sure who I am exactly, but..."
The boy quickly interrupted. "Okay...why was I on the ground? And why are you all staring at me? Is this a psyche test? Am I getting paid for this?"
The confusion continued until the girl had an idea. "Carded! Drivers licences."
Every one fumbled through their pockets in search of an identity.
The boy was the first to find his, holding it up. "Look! Me! Alexander Harris. Cute picture. Hey, I exist!"
He glanced at the girl beside him as she pulled out her own card. "I'm Willow Rosenberg. Willow! Funny name."
Xander was just about to comment on it but the shy blonde in the corner spoke up. "I think it's pretty."
Smiling, Willow asked her what she had.
"Tara. And look, I'm a student at UC Sunnydale." She replied.
"Me too! Hey, maybe we're study buddies!" Willow grinned.
While the others looked for their names, Willow looked down at her jacket, noticing a name embodied on it. "I've got a name on my jacket too. Harris."
"Harris?" Alex asked. "That's my last name. Hey, maybe I have a brother and you go out with him. Or maybe... you go out with me."
Willow smiled at the idea. "Well, we did wake up all snugly-wuggly. I guess maybe you're my boyfriend."
Grinning, Xander joked. "Either that or I have one pissed off brother somewhere."
The confusion in the room began to lessen as identities were discovered. After Joan's suggestion of going to the nearest hospital, they all went to leave the so-called magic shop.
As the door opened, distorted faces of monsters stared back at them. They all began screaming and Willow grabbed onto Alex in fear. The door slammed and they crouched down away from the door.
Willow suggested that they check for other doors and, taking Alex's hand, ran off to make sure the place was secure.
*****
"This is pretty messed up." Alex commented as they looked around.
"They were...monsters." Willow said, not sure she even believed it herself.
"We better get our memories back soon." Alex said. "Why can't we remember?"
"I don't know." Willow said, staying close to him.
"I'm sure I'd remember you..." Alex said, smiling coyly.
A little flattered but entirely too preoccupied, Willow continued looking.
"I can't see a door." Alex told her, dejectedly.
"There has to be..." Willow said, nervously. "We can't keep those things out forever."
"Don't worry, I'm sure with all of us, we can fight them off." Alex assured her. "I'll protect you."
Willow punched his arm lightly. "Hey! Who says I need protecting?"
Grinning, Alex nodded. "You're right. You can protect me."
"Hey! What's this?" Willow asked, pushing some things aside. "A trap door!"
"Stand back, I'll open it." Alex said, kneeling down and pulling it open. He leaned inside, took a quick look and came up smiling. "Looks like it leads to the sewers."
"Perfect." Willow cheered, taking his arm again, surprised at how comforting it was to have an arm to hold onto though all the commotion. "Lets go."
*****
"There's a trap door in the basement, seems to lead to the sewer." Alex reported as they got back to the others.
Just as they were heading to the basement, vampires broke though the window and door, surrounding them.
Panicking, Xander got down onto his knees and began to pray in whatever ways he could think of, while one of the vampire's pinned Randy to the wall.
Joan seemed to snap into action, using every instinct to kill these 'vampires' without even thinking about it. After the fight, she started making a plan while Alex stood beside Willow, feeling a little safer, if only because he'd established a connection with her.
"I think I know why Joan's the boss." Buffy said, looking at the others. "I'm like a superhero or something."
Alex felt the overwhelming urge to throw up followed by darkness as he fell to the floor, unconscious.
By his side in a second, Willow began to call his name softly, trying to wake him up before the vampires attacked again. Touching his cheek gently she felt a vague familiarity about what she was seeing. She smiled, wondering to herself if she was used to waking up beside him and watching him sleep.
After a few minutes, he came round, opening his eyes with the same confusion he'd had previously. As he saw Willow's face, vague memories of the girl he was dating came back to him and he smiled back at her.
"You passed out." She said, with an amused tone to her voice.
Blushing sheepishly, he sat up with her help. "This day is just too weird. I'm sure I'm usually Mr. Macho." He assured her.
"I'm sure." She agreed, laughing.
Joan began to give out instructions and her and Randy readied themselves to go out and face the vampires.
The others made their way into the basement as Joan had instructed, Alex going first just in case there was anything down there, followed by Tara.
Once at the bottom, Alex helped Dawn down the ladder. Willow came last and as both Tara and Alex extended a hand to help her, she took Alex's and landed softly on the ground, only inches away from him.
An awkward moment passed between them. The strongest urge to get closer overwhelmed them both.
"Why do I get the feeling I remember you?" Willow asked.
"I know what you mean." Alex whispered. "I just have this urge to..."
"Guys." Dawn hissed, standing with Tara. "Which way?"
"All directions look equally dank and stinky." Willow commented, breaking her eyes away from Alex.
"How about this dank and stinky way?" Tara suggested.
"Sounds great." Alex said, leading the way.
Dawn began to sing quietly as she went, watching with casual interest the funny looks between the two strangers who'd decided they were boyfriend and girlfriend based on a name on a coat.
Just as she came to the end of her song, a vampire jumped out in front of them.
*****
Ducking into an alley after running to escape, the four strangers hid as the vampire went running past.
"Come on. This way, up the ladder." Tara instructed, running across the tunnel and up the ladder on the other side.
As soon as they were hidden away, Alex poked his head round the corner, watching for the vampire. Darting back in, he whispered. "He's coming."
Alex moved away from sight, moving against Willow until their faces were inches apart. Trying desperately not to breathe too hard, their eyes met and they began to blush at the power between them. Afraid of the intensity, Willow broke the eye contact slightly, before looking back up at this man who was causing such a physical feeling inside her.
The sound of a voice silenced them all.
"I smell fear," It said. "And it smells good."
As the vampire started up the ladder, the foursome ran out the other side of the pipe. Just as Dawn made her way down, the vampire leaped at Willow. Pushing her carefully out of the way, Alex tried his best to fight the vampire with Tara's help.
Lying on the floor, Willow failed to notice the crystal fall from her pocket. She sat up ready to help with the fray, but Dawn was faster, grabbing a piece of wood and throwing it to Alex as she called his name.
The vampire turned to dust, sending out one last kick to Alex's stomach. With a loss of balance, Alex stepped on the lost crystal, falling as it crunched beneath his feet.
As he landed beside Willow, she reached out to help him...
Until a veil seemed to lift from their memories and they all froze.
Willow frowned as she saw Xander beside her and looked towards Tara, her eyes full of guilt.
A clenched jaw and hurt eyes returned that gaze, before walking away. Dawn followed, casting a look at Willow. She knew as well as Tara who was to blame.
Xander watched as Willow stood and followed them, her eyes threatening to spill tears at her mistake and what it had cost her.
An overwhelming feeling of confusion that easily surpassed his earlier 'lack of memory' one, washed over him. Watching the girl he'd, only minutes ago, thought of as his girlfriend walk away, he slowly got to his feet and began to catch up.//
*****
Willow sank to the floor in the bathroom, crying as Tara packed her bag. She'd lost Tara and a part of her was dying because of it. But the other part of her cried because of the other price she'd have to pay for her mistake.
Old feelings had been stirred and even though Tara was leaving her, Xander was all she could think about. She knew it was over between them. Tried to convince herself that it had just been the spell and it'd go away. But it was there.
She not only cried for the loss of her girlfriend, but for the mess she had undoubtedly got herself into with her best friend.
*****
It had been three days since the spell and few people were on good terms with Willow. Tara had gone, Giles had gone and Willow was distraught over the break up.
Xander had told Anya about his feelings for Willow. Said he wasn't sure, but he thought maybe there was something there he'd felt all along. That had never really died.
Anya, believing it was because of the little kiss she and Giles had shared, left silently, their engagement over.
While Buffy, Spike and Dawn continued with their lives, Willow and Xander kept to themselves, wallowing in the pain of the loss of old love and the new feelings the spell had brought to the surface.
Both believed there was no chance such feelings could ever be reciprocated but still, it was only a matter of time before one gave up and said something.
*****
"Hey Wills." Xander said nervously, standing at Buffy's front door.
Depression quickly turned to nerves as Willow saw him standing there.
"Xander...hi." She said, trying to sound the same as always. "What are you do...how are you?"
Xander smiled and walked into Buffy's living room with her. "I'm fine. How are doing?"
"Not so good." Willow admitted.
"Tara..." Xander guessed.
Willow looked at him sadly before nodding in confirmation.
"That spell was pretty weird, huh?" Xander said, trying to sound casual.
"Don't you start. I know what I did was wrong. I messed up. And I've lost Tara, I know this. But..." She broke off.
Xander frowned. "But what?"
"Nothing, just forget it." Willow sighed. "I just feel bad, that's all."
"I don't know...it was kind of...enlightening." Xander said, looking at her with a tinge of hope in his eyes.
Willow looked at him confusedly. "That's not the word I would have used...but I guess it was."
"Yeah..." Xander bowed his head. "So, we were like...boyfriend/girlfriend for a moment there."
Willow giggled nervously. "I guess we were."
"Weird, wasn't it? After all this time and we were...attracted to each other." Xander commented.
"Totally. It was like being back at high school. And there was me thinking I was all gay and then poof, I find out I like...liked you. Then. Not now, I mean, I'm gay. I think I'm gay. Or I could be bisexual...but I liked Tara so I can't be straight...LIKE Tara, I mean..."
"Wills." Xander interrupted, smiling.
"Sorry. I just got really confused." Willow explained. "To have all these feeling for Tara and think I like girls, then to be reminded how in love with you I was, it was..."
Xander sighed. "Weird."
"Yeah." Willow agreed. "So, everyone else is okay? Anya?"
"I kinda broke up with Anya." Xander confessed.
"Oh my God, why?" Willow asked.
"I don't know...during the spell..."
"No, Xander...don't say this is my fault, I couldn't take that." Willow begged.
"No, Wills, this was a long time coming." Xander told her. "She kissed Giles during the spell. And I think she felt guilty for that."
"She *kissed* Giles?!" Willow shrieked.
"Hey, keep it down, I don't think any one's supposed to know." Xander said. "Anyway, that isn't why we broke up. I'm just confused."
Willow looked at him nervously. "Confused?"
"I don't think I love her as much as I thought I did." Xander admitted. "I mean, I did...because she was Anya, but there's always been someone else. And maybe I can't be with this other person because I lost my chance years ago, but I don't think I can be with Anya knowing that she'll only ever be second best."
Willow looked at him in part fear, part sadness. "It is me, right?"
"Yeah." Xander smiled.
"Okay..." After more staring, she got up and stood away from him. "Okay..."
"Look, I'm not saying I want anything. And I know you don't...can't...whatever, I know you don't like me like that anymore. But I needed to tell you...because it's been driving me nuts since I got my memory back." Xander told her. "Feel free to throw things at me and tell me what bad timing I have."
Willow half sobbed, half laughed.
Carefully, Xander made his way over and wrapped his arms around her from behind. "I'm sorry, I know you're hurting right now. And I want to be here for you. As your best friend. Because first and foremost, that's who I'll always be."
Willow nodded, before sniffing and turning round.
Xander's arms dropped back to his side and they stood, facing each other. "I've always loved you, Willow. It's always been you. I'm just a big jerk who didn't see what he had until it was too late."
Too afraid to let herself speak, Willow merely nodded and leaned over, resting her head on his chest. His arm held her to him and he kissed her forehead. "Maybe you didn't mean to magic away our memories like that, but it's made me see something. Guess the spell wasn't that bad after all."
Letting her go, he walked away. Unsure of what to think of her silence, he was happy in the knowledge she didn't hate him for telling her.
Even if she didn't return his newfound affections.
*****
Another night alone and all Willow could do was relive the moment over and over.
//"I've always loved you, Willow. It's always been you. I'm just a big jerk who didn't see what he had until it was too late."//
Staring out of the window, she wished she knew a spell to decide. Only two days ago everything had been Tara. She knew where she stood with Xander. Best friends. Nothing more.
But now there was this conflict inside her that had obviously been there all the time and she knew that there was no way she could ever be with Tara now. Not knowing that there was something there for Xander. Something older than her relationship with Tara...something older then Oz. It was her first crush...her first love.
But things couldn't just be that simple. Because Tara was a first in many ways too. She'd done so much for Willow and brought out so many feelings in her. And a part of her loved Tara *so* much. But she just wasn't Xander.
And as tough as it was to admit that, it only became easier now she was gone and Xander had professed his own love.
Either way, her time was running out. Xander lost his first chance with her, something he was ready to take the blame for. Willow wasn't sure if she could stand making the same mistake.
She just couldn't decide if the spell was indeed something bad, that took Tara away from her and split Xander and Anya up. Or something good, that would bring two soul mates together and stop them making a mistake with their previous partners.
Willow was used to spells go wrong and hurting her friends. But this was new. Something told her that maybe this time, her spell went right.
The End
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: PG
Warnings: Mentioned fem slash (Willow/Tara)
Spoilers: Season 6, Up to Tabula Rasa
Pairings: Willow/Xander (Willow/Tara)
Description: Willow's spell brings up old feelings between her and Xander.
Setting: Tabula Rasa and just afterwards.
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk
Distribution: If you've had my permission before, you have it now. Anyone else, ask first please.
Disclaimer: I do not own characters or make money from using them.
Author's notes: // Denotes flashback // This is a slight re-write of the episode, plus the trouble that follows afterwards. If you haven't seen 'Tabula Rasa', this may not make much sense at all. I don't claim to have made it word perfect to the episode, so don't nit pick. This is a re-write. Any mistakes are meant to be there *g*.
//For Buffy and Tara this I char, let
Lethe's Bramble do its chore. Purge
their minds of memories grim, of
pains from recent slights and sins...
When the fire goes out. When the
crystal turns black. The spell will
be cast. Tabula rasa. Tabula rasa.
Tabula rasa//
It was like a veil lifting, giving them access to the forbidden areas of the brain. It only took a few seconds for them all to realise what had happened.
Only took Tara one moment to place the blame.
Only took one split second for Xander Harris' life to get turned upside down.
//"Thanks for the jacket, it's cold out there." Willow said, hugging Xander's jacket closer.
"Not a problem. The cold only makes me stronger and more macho-like." Xander grinned.
Willow smiled and walked further into the magic shop as Giles began to tell them his news.
Without warning Buffy stopped mid-rant and everyone in the room blacked out.
Willow and Xander slumped to the floor, lying beside each other, sleeping as soundly as the rest of the room.
*****
The sound of a female 'huh?' and lights switching on startled the sleeping girl. She realised she was lying next to a guy...one she didn't recognise. With a small yelp, she jolted away, waking him.
The boy looked at the girl confusedly. Rationalizing that he'd been very drunk the night before and slept with some unknown girl, he did the only think he could. Bluffed his way out of it. He gave her a sexy smile. "Hey."
Not wanting to hurt his feelings by explaining she had no idea who he was, she replied with her own, not as casual, "Hey?"
The confusion was mirrored on each of their faces as they woke up. No one knew who they were and the boy began to panic. "Who are you freaks?"
The girl frowned. "You don't know me?"
"Not a clue." He replied.
Slightly hurt, she said, "But you just acted all, 'hey.'"
"Yeah, 'cause I thought you were a girl and I'd remember in a second..." He broke off.
"I am a girl!" She said, grabbing her breasts to make a point. "I'm not sure who I am exactly, but..."
The boy quickly interrupted. "Okay...why was I on the ground? And why are you all staring at me? Is this a psyche test? Am I getting paid for this?"
The confusion continued until the girl had an idea. "Carded! Drivers licences."
Every one fumbled through their pockets in search of an identity.
The boy was the first to find his, holding it up. "Look! Me! Alexander Harris. Cute picture. Hey, I exist!"
He glanced at the girl beside him as she pulled out her own card. "I'm Willow Rosenberg. Willow! Funny name."
Xander was just about to comment on it but the shy blonde in the corner spoke up. "I think it's pretty."
Smiling, Willow asked her what she had.
"Tara. And look, I'm a student at UC Sunnydale." She replied.
"Me too! Hey, maybe we're study buddies!" Willow grinned.
While the others looked for their names, Willow looked down at her jacket, noticing a name embodied on it. "I've got a name on my jacket too. Harris."
"Harris?" Alex asked. "That's my last name. Hey, maybe I have a brother and you go out with him. Or maybe... you go out with me."
Willow smiled at the idea. "Well, we did wake up all snugly-wuggly. I guess maybe you're my boyfriend."
Grinning, Xander joked. "Either that or I have one pissed off brother somewhere."
The confusion in the room began to lessen as identities were discovered. After Joan's suggestion of going to the nearest hospital, they all went to leave the so-called magic shop.
As the door opened, distorted faces of monsters stared back at them. They all began screaming and Willow grabbed onto Alex in fear. The door slammed and they crouched down away from the door.
Willow suggested that they check for other doors and, taking Alex's hand, ran off to make sure the place was secure.
*****
"This is pretty messed up." Alex commented as they looked around.
"They were...monsters." Willow said, not sure she even believed it herself.
"We better get our memories back soon." Alex said. "Why can't we remember?"
"I don't know." Willow said, staying close to him.
"I'm sure I'd remember you..." Alex said, smiling coyly.
A little flattered but entirely too preoccupied, Willow continued looking.
"I can't see a door." Alex told her, dejectedly.
"There has to be..." Willow said, nervously. "We can't keep those things out forever."
"Don't worry, I'm sure with all of us, we can fight them off." Alex assured her. "I'll protect you."
Willow punched his arm lightly. "Hey! Who says I need protecting?"
Grinning, Alex nodded. "You're right. You can protect me."
"Hey! What's this?" Willow asked, pushing some things aside. "A trap door!"
"Stand back, I'll open it." Alex said, kneeling down and pulling it open. He leaned inside, took a quick look and came up smiling. "Looks like it leads to the sewers."
"Perfect." Willow cheered, taking his arm again, surprised at how comforting it was to have an arm to hold onto though all the commotion. "Lets go."
*****
"There's a trap door in the basement, seems to lead to the sewer." Alex reported as they got back to the others.
Just as they were heading to the basement, vampires broke though the window and door, surrounding them.
Panicking, Xander got down onto his knees and began to pray in whatever ways he could think of, while one of the vampire's pinned Randy to the wall.
Joan seemed to snap into action, using every instinct to kill these 'vampires' without even thinking about it. After the fight, she started making a plan while Alex stood beside Willow, feeling a little safer, if only because he'd established a connection with her.
"I think I know why Joan's the boss." Buffy said, looking at the others. "I'm like a superhero or something."
Alex felt the overwhelming urge to throw up followed by darkness as he fell to the floor, unconscious.
By his side in a second, Willow began to call his name softly, trying to wake him up before the vampires attacked again. Touching his cheek gently she felt a vague familiarity about what she was seeing. She smiled, wondering to herself if she was used to waking up beside him and watching him sleep.
After a few minutes, he came round, opening his eyes with the same confusion he'd had previously. As he saw Willow's face, vague memories of the girl he was dating came back to him and he smiled back at her.
"You passed out." She said, with an amused tone to her voice.
Blushing sheepishly, he sat up with her help. "This day is just too weird. I'm sure I'm usually Mr. Macho." He assured her.
"I'm sure." She agreed, laughing.
Joan began to give out instructions and her and Randy readied themselves to go out and face the vampires.
The others made their way into the basement as Joan had instructed, Alex going first just in case there was anything down there, followed by Tara.
Once at the bottom, Alex helped Dawn down the ladder. Willow came last and as both Tara and Alex extended a hand to help her, she took Alex's and landed softly on the ground, only inches away from him.
An awkward moment passed between them. The strongest urge to get closer overwhelmed them both.
"Why do I get the feeling I remember you?" Willow asked.
"I know what you mean." Alex whispered. "I just have this urge to..."
"Guys." Dawn hissed, standing with Tara. "Which way?"
"All directions look equally dank and stinky." Willow commented, breaking her eyes away from Alex.
"How about this dank and stinky way?" Tara suggested.
"Sounds great." Alex said, leading the way.
Dawn began to sing quietly as she went, watching with casual interest the funny looks between the two strangers who'd decided they were boyfriend and girlfriend based on a name on a coat.
Just as she came to the end of her song, a vampire jumped out in front of them.
*****
Ducking into an alley after running to escape, the four strangers hid as the vampire went running past.
"Come on. This way, up the ladder." Tara instructed, running across the tunnel and up the ladder on the other side.
As soon as they were hidden away, Alex poked his head round the corner, watching for the vampire. Darting back in, he whispered. "He's coming."
Alex moved away from sight, moving against Willow until their faces were inches apart. Trying desperately not to breathe too hard, their eyes met and they began to blush at the power between them. Afraid of the intensity, Willow broke the eye contact slightly, before looking back up at this man who was causing such a physical feeling inside her.
The sound of a voice silenced them all.
"I smell fear," It said. "And it smells good."
As the vampire started up the ladder, the foursome ran out the other side of the pipe. Just as Dawn made her way down, the vampire leaped at Willow. Pushing her carefully out of the way, Alex tried his best to fight the vampire with Tara's help.
Lying on the floor, Willow failed to notice the crystal fall from her pocket. She sat up ready to help with the fray, but Dawn was faster, grabbing a piece of wood and throwing it to Alex as she called his name.
The vampire turned to dust, sending out one last kick to Alex's stomach. With a loss of balance, Alex stepped on the lost crystal, falling as it crunched beneath his feet.
As he landed beside Willow, she reached out to help him...
Until a veil seemed to lift from their memories and they all froze.
Willow frowned as she saw Xander beside her and looked towards Tara, her eyes full of guilt.
A clenched jaw and hurt eyes returned that gaze, before walking away. Dawn followed, casting a look at Willow. She knew as well as Tara who was to blame.
Xander watched as Willow stood and followed them, her eyes threatening to spill tears at her mistake and what it had cost her.
An overwhelming feeling of confusion that easily surpassed his earlier 'lack of memory' one, washed over him. Watching the girl he'd, only minutes ago, thought of as his girlfriend walk away, he slowly got to his feet and began to catch up.//
*****
Willow sank to the floor in the bathroom, crying as Tara packed her bag. She'd lost Tara and a part of her was dying because of it. But the other part of her cried because of the other price she'd have to pay for her mistake.
Old feelings had been stirred and even though Tara was leaving her, Xander was all she could think about. She knew it was over between them. Tried to convince herself that it had just been the spell and it'd go away. But it was there.
She not only cried for the loss of her girlfriend, but for the mess she had undoubtedly got herself into with her best friend.
*****
It had been three days since the spell and few people were on good terms with Willow. Tara had gone, Giles had gone and Willow was distraught over the break up.
Xander had told Anya about his feelings for Willow. Said he wasn't sure, but he thought maybe there was something there he'd felt all along. That had never really died.
Anya, believing it was because of the little kiss she and Giles had shared, left silently, their engagement over.
While Buffy, Spike and Dawn continued with their lives, Willow and Xander kept to themselves, wallowing in the pain of the loss of old love and the new feelings the spell had brought to the surface.
Both believed there was no chance such feelings could ever be reciprocated but still, it was only a matter of time before one gave up and said something.
*****
"Hey Wills." Xander said nervously, standing at Buffy's front door.
Depression quickly turned to nerves as Willow saw him standing there.
"Xander...hi." She said, trying to sound the same as always. "What are you do...how are you?"
Xander smiled and walked into Buffy's living room with her. "I'm fine. How are doing?"
"Not so good." Willow admitted.
"Tara..." Xander guessed.
Willow looked at him sadly before nodding in confirmation.
"That spell was pretty weird, huh?" Xander said, trying to sound casual.
"Don't you start. I know what I did was wrong. I messed up. And I've lost Tara, I know this. But..." She broke off.
Xander frowned. "But what?"
"Nothing, just forget it." Willow sighed. "I just feel bad, that's all."
"I don't know...it was kind of...enlightening." Xander said, looking at her with a tinge of hope in his eyes.
Willow looked at him confusedly. "That's not the word I would have used...but I guess it was."
"Yeah..." Xander bowed his head. "So, we were like...boyfriend/girlfriend for a moment there."
Willow giggled nervously. "I guess we were."
"Weird, wasn't it? After all this time and we were...attracted to each other." Xander commented.
"Totally. It was like being back at high school. And there was me thinking I was all gay and then poof, I find out I like...liked you. Then. Not now, I mean, I'm gay. I think I'm gay. Or I could be bisexual...but I liked Tara so I can't be straight...LIKE Tara, I mean..."
"Wills." Xander interrupted, smiling.
"Sorry. I just got really confused." Willow explained. "To have all these feeling for Tara and think I like girls, then to be reminded how in love with you I was, it was..."
Xander sighed. "Weird."
"Yeah." Willow agreed. "So, everyone else is okay? Anya?"
"I kinda broke up with Anya." Xander confessed.
"Oh my God, why?" Willow asked.
"I don't know...during the spell..."
"No, Xander...don't say this is my fault, I couldn't take that." Willow begged.
"No, Wills, this was a long time coming." Xander told her. "She kissed Giles during the spell. And I think she felt guilty for that."
"She *kissed* Giles?!" Willow shrieked.
"Hey, keep it down, I don't think any one's supposed to know." Xander said. "Anyway, that isn't why we broke up. I'm just confused."
Willow looked at him nervously. "Confused?"
"I don't think I love her as much as I thought I did." Xander admitted. "I mean, I did...because she was Anya, but there's always been someone else. And maybe I can't be with this other person because I lost my chance years ago, but I don't think I can be with Anya knowing that she'll only ever be second best."
Willow looked at him in part fear, part sadness. "It is me, right?"
"Yeah." Xander smiled.
"Okay..." After more staring, she got up and stood away from him. "Okay..."
"Look, I'm not saying I want anything. And I know you don't...can't...whatever, I know you don't like me like that anymore. But I needed to tell you...because it's been driving me nuts since I got my memory back." Xander told her. "Feel free to throw things at me and tell me what bad timing I have."
Willow half sobbed, half laughed.
Carefully, Xander made his way over and wrapped his arms around her from behind. "I'm sorry, I know you're hurting right now. And I want to be here for you. As your best friend. Because first and foremost, that's who I'll always be."
Willow nodded, before sniffing and turning round.
Xander's arms dropped back to his side and they stood, facing each other. "I've always loved you, Willow. It's always been you. I'm just a big jerk who didn't see what he had until it was too late."
Too afraid to let herself speak, Willow merely nodded and leaned over, resting her head on his chest. His arm held her to him and he kissed her forehead. "Maybe you didn't mean to magic away our memories like that, but it's made me see something. Guess the spell wasn't that bad after all."
Letting her go, he walked away. Unsure of what to think of her silence, he was happy in the knowledge she didn't hate him for telling her.
Even if she didn't return his newfound affections.
*****
Another night alone and all Willow could do was relive the moment over and over.
//"I've always loved you, Willow. It's always been you. I'm just a big jerk who didn't see what he had until it was too late."//
Staring out of the window, she wished she knew a spell to decide. Only two days ago everything had been Tara. She knew where she stood with Xander. Best friends. Nothing more.
But now there was this conflict inside her that had obviously been there all the time and she knew that there was no way she could ever be with Tara now. Not knowing that there was something there for Xander. Something older than her relationship with Tara...something older then Oz. It was her first crush...her first love.
But things couldn't just be that simple. Because Tara was a first in many ways too. She'd done so much for Willow and brought out so many feelings in her. And a part of her loved Tara *so* much. But she just wasn't Xander.
And as tough as it was to admit that, it only became easier now she was gone and Xander had professed his own love.
Either way, her time was running out. Xander lost his first chance with her, something he was ready to take the blame for. Willow wasn't sure if she could stand making the same mistake.
She just couldn't decide if the spell was indeed something bad, that took Tara away from her and split Xander and Anya up. Or something good, that would bring two soul mates together and stop them making a mistake with their previous partners.
Willow was used to spells go wrong and hurting her friends. But this was new. Something told her that maybe this time, her spell went right.
The End