"Curse you, Perry the Platypus!" Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz shouted to the empty room, as was tradition. His ruined Dimbulb-inator sat in front of him, his plan to make a bigger market for his brand name glasses by dimming every bulb in the Tri-state area having been stopped by Agent P. The speed and efficiency in which the platypus had broken out of the skipping-rope trap, tied up Heinz, wrecked his Inator of the day, and left the mad scientist stuck in the room was unprecedented.
And by unprecedented…The doctor grinned and giggled once he was sure that Perry was too far away to see or hear him…I mean completely precedented! Everything is going just as planned! Only a little longer now…
-
"Happy Birthday, Tri-State Area." David Xanatos smiled as he straightened his tie. The business magnate was preparing himself for a speech at the Tri-State unification anniversary, being held at the officially designated area where Manhattan, Danville and Middleton were connected. It was going to be a big event, with plenty of celebrities and press to mark the occasion. And being the richest man in Manhattan and a famous entrepreneur, of course David Xanatos would be present.
In fact, he was presenting at the opening ceremonies. And he intended to make a good impression.
"Mr. Xanatos." His assistant, Owen Burnett, walked up to him and nodded to the door. "We should be leaving. It's a lengthy drive to the ceremony, and the show begins in 45 minutes."
"Of course. I'm just tidying myself up." Xanatos nodded. "It's a pity we couldn't take the helicopter…have you found out anything else about the…incident at the hangar?"
"I'm afraid not, sir."
"Hm. I suppose it doesn't matter." Xanatos shrugged before walking out to his limousine. "As long as the statue is delivered to the site on time…"
"It will be."
The two men were just outside the office building when the noticed the flatbed semi parked right behind it. The truck itself had the insignia 'D.E.I.' on the front fender, and it was carrying…something enormous on the back underneath a brown tarp.
Xanatos cocked his eyebrow. "Were we expecting a delivery, Owen?"
"No sir, we were not…"
The driver of the semi, a sleepy-eyed man with a mustache, walked up to the two men holding a clipboard. "David Zenates, right?"
"Um…my name is Xanatos, yes."
The deliveryman moved the clipboard towards Xanatos. "Would you like to purchase this 'surprise-o-matic' for the low price of 1 million dollars?"
Xanatos nearly laughed out loud. Seriously? This had to be the most ridiculously audacious attempt to scam him in history. Why on earth would he –
Suddenly, Xanatos' eyes went wide. He blinked once, looked around, and grinned broadly. "YYYEEEEEESSS!"
"Sir?" Owen nearly jumped back at the sudden outburst.
"What?! Oh, um, oh yeah. Of course I'd like to purchase this bicarbon-um, this surprise!" With a sudden burst of energy, he yanked the clipboard out of the deliveryman's hands and signed the check with a ridiculous amount of zeroes.
Owen's eyes went wide. "Mr. Xanatos? Have you lost your mind?!"
"Don't be a ridiculous! I know exactly where my mind is, and it's back in MY office! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Perry the Platypus never saw THIS coming!"
"S-sir, you're not making any sense…"
"It doesn't have to! I have a big truck!" All of a sudden, Xanatos had seemingly teleported into the driver's seat of the flatbed. "Now, as they say in Russia, Auf Weiner stein!"
And with that, David Xanatos sped off in the semi, the tarp-covered 'surprise' in tow. Owen Burnett and the truck driver just stared at the truck, blinking.
"Hey!" the driver finally shouted, once he'd finally processed the situation. "How am I supposed to get home?!"
-
The body of Heinz Doofenshmirtz shook his head, but it wasn't Doofenshmirtz who opened his eyes and looked around.
"What …" Xanatos only needed a second to process the information presented before him. He was in an unfamiliar body, tied up, in what looked like a penthouse suite filled with random machines. One of them was in pieces on the floor in front of him. A few of those pieces were sharp…
The gangly body Xanatos now inhabited was able to shuffle itself to the broken glass and metal. It was…surreal, not having the same muscles that he had a second ago and feeling aches and pains that he never had. Still, he was able to pull through and maneuvered himself to pick up a long, sharp piece of glass.
It didn't take long to fully free himself. Xanatos stood up from the severed jump-ropes(?) and brushed his lab coat(?) off.
"Looks like you got yourself free! Congratulations!" Suddenly, a cheerful voice was heard from the other side of the room. Xanatos turned around to see the apartment's door. The voice sounded out again, a synthetic imitation of a sitcom character. "However, I'm afraid that you can't leave for the next 45 minutes, no matter what you say! Sorry for the inconvenience, the rule was established by my father Dr. D!"
Xanatos blinked before sighing. Right now, he had to find a reflective surface, to see just who he had performed this 'mindswap' with.
He soon found a mirror, and found himself looking at a wiry man with brown hair, a hook nose, a narrow chin and a noticeable slouch. Remarkably, he actually recognized the face. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, founder and proprietor of Doofenshmirtz Eclectic Innovations, an occasional business rival of Xanatos Enterprises. Due to it's rumoured connection to the recent 'super villain' business, it had the informal nickname of 'Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.' David also vaguely remembered Heinz from somewhere else, long ago.
"Seems I should've kept a closer eye on you." Xanatos told the reflection of Doofenshmirtz. Then, an idea came to him. Xanatos' clever smirk came onto Doofenshmirtz's face, and he quickly left to grab the telephone.
Fortunately, his captor hadn't been bright enough to sever the phone line, so Xanatos was able to get through to his assistant. "Hello, Owen. Yes, it's me. As I'm certain you've figured out by now, the man in my body is not me. I think I can turn this situation around, though. I just need you to make a delivery…"
-
David Xanatos body let out a loud cackle. "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It worked out perfectly! Everything is going according to plan for a change! Nothing will stop me! Can you believe it, Perr…"
Heinz then realized that he was alone in the truck.
"Oh. Right. Hm. You know, I really need someone to gloat to…
"You see, Nani the dashboard hula dancer, it all started back when I was a boy…not when David Xanatos was a boy, but…well okay, he was a boy then, too, but…um…ANYWAY! It all started in Drusselstein, when a young Heinz Doofenshmirtz entered his first science fair, with his very first Inator! I wasn't very clever with names, so it was just, you know, Inator. Just when I was about to demonstrate my invention with the judges, a kid with a baking soda volcano stole the show!
The next year, I tried again with my even bigger Inator! And again, my thunder was stolen by a baking soda volcano!
I had enough of science, so I decided to devote my life to poetry instead. And I lost a poetry contest to…you won't believe this, a BAKING SODA VOLCANO! Can you believe it? How does a bicarbonate volcano win a poetry slam? I always wondered how that could possibly be.
But then, just last week, I was watching the TV and a man came onto the screen. A man with a beard and a ponytail and that smug look in his eyes…and I recognized him. He was the one who entered the volcano in.
Yes, my greatest enemy…apart from Perry the Platypus…and Peter the Panda…and Pinky the Chihuahua…and Sergei the Snail…and that potted plant…well, anyway, one of my childhood enemies, the one who'd beaten me in poetry, was DAVID XANATOS!
It all made sense! Only someone so diabolically clever could've possibly beaten my deep prose with a bicarbonate volcano that can't even recite poetry! So much of my life has been explained.
Naturally, I came up with a whole bunch of schemes to exact my revenge for my humiliation. But the guy plans for everything! I'm serious. Everything. I'm absolutely certain I could transform his airship hangar into a balloon castle and he could bounce back. Because I did that. Really, And it didn't faze him.
Eventually I realized that if I was ever going to beat Xanatos, I was going to have to think like Xanatos." Heinz punctuated this by tapping David's forehead. "But how could I get into his head? And that's when I came up with this brilliant idea!
I built a mind-swap Inator! Now, I've built one before…it didn't go well."
I am telling you, my name isn't Candace! I am Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and I need to return to my lab immediately! That's cute, sweetie.
"So I made some modifications. Instead of it just being a zap and swap and risking Perry or Xanatos messing with it, I set it to swap me and Xanatos' mind for 45 minutes at a specific time. That's all the time I need to get my revenge!
"See, the tri-state area unification ceremony is today, and in…30 minutes, David Xanatos is going to donate an expensive statue from his art collection to commemorate the occasion. I'm sure it's a lovely statue that'll suit the occasion and make him look good for the cameras…but that's not what they're gonna remember him for today!
You see, Nani, just behind me is the world's largest Baking Soda Volcano, with extra vinegar and soda at the ready. THIS is what'll be remembered today! I – aheeheeheehee, I mean, David Xanatos is going to present this to everybody, and activate it in public! The entire ceremony will be splattered with bicarbonate volcano goo, and Xanatos will swap back into his mind just in time to deal with the fallout! And there'll be no Perry the Platypus to stop me this time! In fact, by tying me up, he's helped me out a lot!"
'Xanatos' threw his head back and laughed. "You see? You – you get me? Xanatos will be humiliated in public, with the same thing he used to humiliate me, so long ago! My vengeance will be complete! And nothing will stop me!"
HONNNNNNNNNK!
SCREEEEEEEEECH!
"Well…maybe except for a red light…how far away are we now? We should get there in time…but it'll be a while…" 'Xanatos' hummed and tapped the steering wheel, trying to pass the time. That speech had been one of his longest, but he still wasn't that much closer to the stage…he missed his ability to just go straight to his plan once he was done his speech.
"Well…Say, Nani the dashboard hula dancer, you know how I rebuilt my mind-swap Inator? Well, I was rebuilding a few inators for my daughter's birthday party, like my…"
-
"…'Cake-inator?'" The real Xanatos stared at the machine in front of him. It looked like a metal box with a telescope attached on one end and a satellite dish on the other. Two large red ribbons had been tied over the whole thing
Xanatos read the attached card again. Happy birthday, Vanessa! Behold, my Cake-Inator…just for you! I know how you can't stand my cake recipes, so I rebuilt this for you. You can have all the chocolate cake you want! Just point it at something you won't miss, press the button, and presto! Some delicious chocolate cake for you!
Xanatos squinted at the letter, then at the device. A machine that could spontaneously change the molecular structure of any physical object into chocolate cake? Any normal man would laugh it off, but Xanatos was no normal man. And he DID just have his mind get swapped.
Still, he had to test this thing. Looking around the room, he noticed the pile of broken plastic and glass in the middle of the room. Surely, Heinz wouldn't mind this being out of the way…Using all the strength his skinny body could manage, Xanatos turned the Cake-Inator towards the mess. Luckily, the thing was on wheels.
He then pressed the button, and with a cartoonish ZZZZZZAAPP, the scattered pieces were transformed into cupcakes. Complete with wrapping and cherries. Xanatos even took a bite out of one. Delicious.
Xanatos shook 'his' head. If I'd seen this in a cartoon, I would've completely dismissed this as ridiculous fantasy. Doofenshmirtz might be a very valuable asset… He then looked out the window. The view stretched far into the distance, and he could see where the ceremony is…an idea came to him.
Just as he was moving the Cake-Inator into position, there was a knock at the door. "Hello! I have a delivery for Heinz Doofenschmirtz here!" The cheery voice replied, sliding the box into the mail slot. "A box of chocolates! How nice! Please do not eat any!"
"Don't worry, I won't." Xanatos chuckled, removing the false bottom of the box. 20 minutes to showtime…that should be enough time.
-
The Tri-State Unification ceremony was about to begin, and everyone present was buzzing with excitement. There was something large underneath a white tarp on the main stage, apparently the statue that had been donated by the guest of honor, David Xanatos. It was safe to say that he was the one who the audience was excited to see.
The host of the event, Roger Doofenshmirtz, glanced at his watch. Xanatos should've been here by now, where was he?
That question was answered by a series of loud honks just behind the audience. Everyone turned around to see a large semi truck with a colossal tarp-covered mound. As they were frowning and booing at the rudeness of this truck-driving rube, they did a double-take on seeing that the interruption was David Xanatos.
"HE-LLO, PEOPLE OF THE TRI-STATE AREA!" He bellowed out at the top of his lungs, compensating for his lack of microphone. "I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU ALL!" With surprising strength, 'Xanatos' grabbed the tarp and yanked it off the tarp off the volcano.
ZZZZZZAAPP
"BEHOLD! THE WORLD'S LARGEST…cake?" 'Xanatos' blinked in bewilderment.
Sure enough, it was a cake. An absolutely enormous chocolate cake with orange icing, styled to look like a volcano. There were even little chocolate tikis scattered throughout the icing. It looked – and smelled – delicious. The confused audience soon smiled, excited and eager.
"Bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu…" 'Xanatos' stammered for a second before suddenly stopping. Xanatos shook his head clear, looked at the situation, and smiled. Perfect.
Xanatos quickly walked to the stage and took the microphone from the mayor. "I apologize for the spontaneity…Sometimes I manage to surprise myself! But I simply felt that the Tri-State area's birthday should be celebrated with a little bit of cake."
Everyone in the audience laughed at that, and Xanatos smoothly segued into his original speech, being sure to smile at the TV cameras…
-
"Hello, Mr. Xanatos! I represent the Most Pointless Book of World Records…And I would like to congratulate you on winning the award for the world's biggest cake!" "Ah…thank you very much."
Doofenshmirtz, back in his own body, glared at the TV screen displaying Xanatos' smug grin as he was handed yet another reward. Just behind Xanatos, two young boys smiled at each other. But Doofenshmirtz didn't care about it anymore. Heinz turned the TV off and paced away.
"Well…that was a failure. A complete failure. Xanatos wasn't humiliated…in fact, his public image has gotten even better! He even got himself a 'world's pointless record' award, and you know how prestigious those are!"
A depressed Doofenshmirtz picked up one of the chocolates that had been delivered to him that afternoon. "Curse you, David Xanatos. All I have to show for all my planning is some cupcakes, chocolates and a million dollars…"
Doofenshmirtz froze, and then jumped up in excitement. "YESSSSSS! That's it! I still conned David Xanatos out of a million dollars! A MILLION dollars! And I've got free chocolates and cupcakes! HAHA! Eat that, Xanatos! You can't win them all!"
-
Doofenshmirtz was unaware that his happy dance was being watched in another room. David Xanatos and Owen Burnett were observing the doctor from one of the hidden cameras Xanatos had planted. They were a recent invention of Xanatos enterprises, and they could be hidden from any scanners or detectors. Burnett had delivered them in the false bottom of a chocolate box.
"Mr. Xanatos, should be try to retake that million dollars?" Owen asked.
Xanatos shook his head, smiling. "It can be replaced. Besides, I've more than compensated for it today. My public image has improved even more than I expected, I have eyes on a potential asset, and I've even got myself an award..."
"Actually, sir…" Owen informed Xanatos. "The record for 'World's Largest Cake' was broken by two enterprising individuals 10 minutes ago. They just called to request the return of that award."
"Oh." Xanatos shrugged. "Well…can't win them all."