SOS: Save Our Ship

Ok, this is a crack fic, but we tried to keep it well written. However, it contains many disturbing images, ships and ideas, so we're warning you! Don't read if you're uncomfortable with slash, cross generational ships, crossover ships, disturbing images, or anything else like that.

Once upon a time there were two girls who managed to read all the fanfiction in the world. In some ways this was a good thing, but they also had to read many awful stories. The hardest thing to do was read the strange ships, and they felt very strongly about this problem. This feeling was so strong that they set up a specific site (with the help of their computer obsessed friends) devoted to ridding the world of ships that were simply wrong.

Unfortunately for these two innocent, slightly obsessed girls, several characters found their site.

Snape's eyes narrowed in anger as he read down the page, only Merlin's hand on his shoulder keeping him sitting down. The younger warlock was also angry – it hurt a lot to see people hating their love like this.

"'It's just disgusting to see Snape preying on sweet, innocent Merlin like that,'" quoted Merlin to his lover, "Well, we don't have any problems then. I haven't noticed you preying on me for a long time."

Snape looked up at his dominant half and said angrily, "You know I'm sick of you being on top, Merlin!"

"You didn't sound like that last night, honey" smirked Merlin to his beloved Sevy as he strolled out of the room.

Mordred groaned softly, these people were so strange. The love he and Filius shared was not understood by these people. Couldn't they see their wonderful chemistry, it was so fucking obvious, even more so than that pathetic couple Merlin and Arthur.

"Fili, are you reading this crap?!"

"Umm..."

"How dare they? What is wrong with them? Are they fricking blind?"

Filius Flitwick wrapped an arm around Mordred silencing his complaints about people's hate towards their 'ship' as it was apparently called.

"We don't need to worry about what they think, Mor, as long as we have each other."

A horny Draco Malfoy waited outside the bedroom door straightening his new outfit bought just to get some good old sex. But this idea was pushed aside for a moment when he heard crying on the other side of the door. Slowly he entered to see his sex toy Will crying on their king sized bed.

Draco decided to be a kind and thoughtful person for just a little while, you never know, he might get better sex for it.

Placing an arm around Will, Draco let him cry into his shoulder. No words were exchanged, Draco just let Will know he was there. After awhile Will had stopped crying and looked at his Malfoy, noticing the new cosplay outfit for his entertainment.

A skanky maid's outfit.

And it suited him just a little too well.

Draco smirked as Will examined his legs with a hand curving around his groin.

He knew Will could never resist him in this.

"Merlin's mum has got it going on," sang Lucius Malfoy, dancing in front of his very upset lover. Hunith had been crying for the past hour after reading the hate letters written about her and her love. Being pregnant with twins did really not help the situation, especially since one of the letters expressed the sincerest hopes that the two did not reproduce.

However, when she saw Lucius dancing she gave a small smile, and Lucius finally stopped acting stupid. It was one thing to cheer up his beloved, but another to be caught acting like that unnecessarily. "It's going to be okay, Hunith, I love you, I love our children, and nothing anyone says could ever change that."

Sybill saw that her dearest Arthur was distraught by the hate mail they had received and decided to try a new cheering up technique she had read about in her book. It was a muggle technique that woman used to satisfy their men.

"Artie dearest, I have something to cheer you up, the muggles use it all the time and it is said to work wonders," Sybill smiled softly none of her stumbling was even heard in the bed except at the peak of their bedroom life.

Arthur smiled up at his love, she always tried to make him happy, "What is this muggle thing?"

"Body spread chocolate," she said as she removed his top and started to apply the chocolate to his bare chest.

Dobby was an emotional elf. He had been mistreated, abused and never truly satisfied by his previous masters. That had changed when he came to Camelot. His new master Uther Pendragon let him share his bed and satisfied him in many different ways.

Today was different, after reading the horrible words about their relationship, Dobby just wanted to snuggle up tight to his King in this cold weather.

Uther entered his room to see an upset little elf, slowly he wrapped his arms around him dragging him on to the bed kissing his head delicately, whispering sweet words of comfort.

Dumbledore lead Gaius down to the lake, he had noticed his gloomy mood after reading something they found on the internet, a wonderful muggle invention. Albus has prepared a lovely, romantic night by the lake with a performance just for Gaius to see. He had been watching 'youtube', and was fascinated to see a video called 'Mysterious Ticking Noise'; he had to admit it was quite catchy.

"Albus, where are you taking me?"

"Just a little further, something to cheer you up, dear."

Dumbledore sat Gaius down on a rug, with a glass of wine in one hand, as he started performing Mysterious Ticking Noise.

"Snape"

"Harry"

"Snape"

"Harry"

"Dumbledore," at this point Dumbledore popped up naked to an extremely surprised, but not at all unhappy, Gaius.

Nimueh and Sirius somehow squeezed on the same chair in front of the laptop, pushing each other off as they did so. Sirius had found a site on the internet that apparently said something about the two of them together romantically, and Nimueh had to see it. Who would dare suggest something like that? Sirius was her best friend, nothing more.

As she read through the hateful comments people had left, she realised just how weak their arguments were. Sirius was too reckless for her? She was too evil for him? What stupid things people said these days!

She looked at Sirius and saw the same look in his eyes. It was time to prove these people wrong.

"Breathe in, breathe out, in, out, in, out," said Leon, trying to calm down his lover. Voldemort had anger management problems, but his breathing exercises usually helped, especially with Leon's little added rewards when he managed to calm down.

Voldemort had been doing quite well lately, sometimes even managing not to get angry in the first place, but what he had just been reading had sent him into his worst temper for a long time. Even Leon had had a hard time keeping calm after seeing it!

Once Voldemort was breathing normally again and his magic had stopped destroying everything in the room, Leon brought out his reward – a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs, one already locked around Leon's left wrist.

Ok... Umm... Well, we're not on crack. Seriously. We're just... a little bit crazy. So floss bucket came up with the idea for this fic (while at school) and blacktea was leading the way with the pairings. We wrote this about half-half, so I suppose we're both equally to blame for any permanent mental scarring you may (will) have received. But it was mainly floss bucket (haha she is on the phone right now and I finally have control over my laptop to write all these little comments). So the dirty ones are by her of course. Ok she is back bye bye!

Just so you know whose stories are really dirty, here are the pairings blacktea wrote:

Mordred/Flitwick

Draco/Will

Arthur/Trelawney

Uther/Dobby

Gaius/Dumbledore

And floss bucket's:

Snape/Merlin

Lucius/Hunith

Sirius/Nimueh

Leon/Voldemort

Read and Review please!

Love blackteaplease and floss bucket