Eddie sat next to Jamie on the bench across from the shelter near the 2-9 where she volunteered to socialize animals for adoption. It had always been her place to go for some unconditional, restorative affection of the canine variety. The tougher the day at her new precinct, the more likely she was to stop by for an hour, play with the dogs and think things through. The dogs never asked questions and they were always happy to see her.
At first she had been nervous to bring Jamie there, because it was her thinking spot. While he had Donovan's gym to work things out in, she had the Happy Paws Rescue Center. But, to her surprise he still let it be her private refuge, waiting for the invitation before tagging along, just as she did with Donovan's. Despite his own love for animals and the emotional benefits the shelter offered, he let her have her place. Both of them seemed to realize people who live AND work together needed a few sacred spaces to be alone.
Eddie was completely frustrated with her fiancé tonight. He was being completely bull headed and she couldn't figure out why. She knew it was a great idea. Hell, he had even suggested the same thing a couple months ago. He loves dogs. He's always been the first one to approach every mutt they encountered on the street, pet or stray. Now he stubbornly refused to listen to the idea..
"I've got too much going on to consider it," he complained.
"But you were right all along, Jamie. I was just panicking before because I felt like everyone expected me to be ready for parenthood and just take that baby home. But ever since you suggested getting a dog, I realized you were right. I'd never considered it when I was by myself because I was never home. But that's because I was with YOU. If we're always together, I won't need to worry about leaving it home alone all the time."
Eddie had rebuffed his suggestion to adopt a dog as a dry run for parenthood a few months ago. At the time, she thought it was ridiculous. She already knew Jamie would be a fantastic father. He was great with kids. Plus he had nephews and nieces so he knew what to expect. She knew herself equally well. The real problem had been the timing. They were not even married yet and she had waited so long to have him to herself, she just wasn't ready to share him with a baby. Not comfortable appearing horribly selfish, but not ready to rush through another milestone in their lives together, Eddie panicked.
Before Jamie figured out what was truly bothering her, he had to peel back a few layers. He first thought she was afraid to ask him about taking the baby. Then he thought she was nervous about becoming a mom. He had seen right through her hasty comment about not being sure she wanted a family. Finally, he realized things were just moving too fast for her. She felt guilty for wanting to live in the moment they were in. Almost a year ago, he had vowed that if she fell behind he would wait up and he meant it. Jamie would be ready for parenthood when Eddie was ready.
Now suddenly she was suggesting they get a dog? As much as he would love that, he knew first hand what happened to a relationship when there was too much change too quickly. He'd been down that road before with Sydney. That break up was hard enough, but what he and Eddie had was so much more. If he let something happen to them, he knew he would never recover. She was absolutely everything to him.
The closer they got to the wedding, the more fearful Jamie became that the bubble would burst. He realized shortly after meeting Eddie that anything he felt for Sydney had been the pale imitation of what he felt for her. Each time he looked at her lately, whether she was sleeping beside him or even sitting at his father's house just talking to Linda or Erin, he was absolutely sure that he couldn't live without her.
He knew he was being ridiculous. Eddie was nothing like Sydney. She was utterly devoted to him and would never leave him. But he was determined not to test that theory by allowing her to give into something he wanted just to please him. He figured the part of volunteering with the dogs she appreciated was the lack of commitment required. She had said as much herself. He wasn't about to push her into something she wasn't ready for. The insecurity he kept so far down that even Eddie only got fleeting glimpses of it was rearing its head again. Jamie Reagan was scared.
Jamie was looking forward to getting married in a week. He loved Eddie completely. He was also looking forward to ending his fear of history repeating itself once and for all. It had taken some counseling and a lot of introspection to accept that his relationship with Sydney had been far from perfect from the start. The glue that held them together was 1 part respect for one another and 2 parts fear of change. Neither one had wanted to leave when what they had was comfortable. It took the prospect of a job that was equally as fulfilling for Sydney as police work was for Jamie to get her to walk away. They liked each other well enough - neither knew anyone they found more intellectually challenging. But respecting someone's accomplishments is a far cry from deep and enduring love. By the time Jamie realized that Eddie not only challenged him - she inspired him to be a better man, he'd almost lost her to someone else. She was his safe place, not because there was no risk but because she was willing to take on life's risks with him.
After all, his disastrous wedding planning suggestion borrowed from perhaps the last person anyone would get advice from, had imploded. Even Danny had been horrified when he heard it. Jamie was nervous about doing anything else that might hurt Eddie and make her doubt his resolve to love her completely for the rest of his life.
After the wedding next week they could talk about it again. Then he'd have his own head on straight. If Eddie brought it up again then, he'd be all in.