It was Christmas Eve.

It was Christmas Eve and Kate Beckett wasn't working for the first time in years. Taking both today and tomorrow off was all apart of her attempt to let go. She was ready. At least that's what she kept telling herself.

It had been so long since she really celebrated the holiday. She felt antsy. She had made plans with her Dad for the following day. But right now, she was at a loss of what exactly to do with herself. She slept in until almost 9 am, something she also hadn't done in quite awhile. After a run through the frost bitten city she showered and cleaned her apartment.

In an attempt to inject some Christmas cheer into her otherwise undecorated home, she pulled up a Holiday Pandora channel on her iPhone and hooked it up to her speakers.

It was best if her phone wasn't in her hands anyways. She had been itching to call him all day. She knew that Alexis was visiting her mom in California and wouldn't be returning until early Christmas morning. And it had been almost a week since she'd last seen him.

It felt longer.

She moved to the kitchen in an effort to distract herself. Seeing it was nearly 5, she pulled out a bottle of wine and a clean glass. After pouring herself a generous amount of the moderately priced red, Kate let out a heavy sigh and leaned against the counter.

Letting go was more than just saying she's ready. Because, God, was she ready. She wanted so badly to fix what was broken inside of her. For herself, of course. But also, for him. A smile found its way to her lips at the thought of him, like it always seemed to these days. She barely even tried to hide it anymore.

Every day she woke up wondering if today would be the day she'd let him in. If there would be a moment where everything finally made sense. Being around him lately was becoming more and more unbearable. Holding back was starting to physically hurt. The thing was, she didn't know what to do about it. She had heard him all those months ago. He told her he loved her and then she ran away. He deserved better. No matter how much that thought made her ache, it was the truth.

He kept proving himself to her over and over again. When she needed space, he backed off. When she needed to laugh, he made her. When they found themselves cuffed together a few weeks back, he didn't ask her what she remembered. They were literally bound together, she wouldn't have been able to run away from him, or really even turn away. Still he said nothing. She was pretty sure he knew. He knew she remembered. The way he looked at her sometimes...

Aside from being scared out of her mind, worried they would never get out of that room alive, she had rather enjoyed the close proximity to him. For a fraction of a second, after she woke up, she got a glimpse of what her life could be like. What it should be like. And for the briefest of moments she let it wash over her and fill her up. Her fantasy was quickly shattered when reality came crashing in and she realized it wasn't a sweet dream, but a twisted nightmare. Tiger and all.

There had also been a few very hot dreams involving herself, him and those cuffs. Dreams that left her gasping for air and aching for him. She had a hard time meeting his eyes for a few days after those. She felt a blush creeping up her neck just at the thought. She smirked into her glass as she took another sip. Someday. Someday she would make that fantasy a reality. Hopefully someday soon.

She was pulled from her thoughts by a loud knock at the door, followed by a booming voice.

"Beckett?"

She opened the door to Castle. She started to smile, but the elation fell from her face as she took in his. His face was skewed in sadness. His eyes red rimmed and blood shot.

"Castle? What's wrong?" She asked as she moved to let him in. When he passed her she could smell the alcohol rolling off of him in waves. "Are you drunk?"

He paced in front of her, looking like a lost little puppy. She reached out, placing a light hand on his forearm to still his movements. He looked at her startled, like he had forgotten where he was.

"Uh, yeah. Maybe a little. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm here," he mumbled and tried to get back to the door.

She blocked him.

"It's not Alexis is it?" The worry in her voice was thick, a lump materialized in her throat just at the thought. He shook his head quickly. "Your mom?" His eyes clouded at the mention of Martha. "What happened Rick?"

That worked. The use of his first name always seemed to get his attention. He took a deep breath and ran his hand over his face.

"We, my mother and I, we were out for breakfast this morning. While we were waiting out front for the car this man walked by and my mother froze next to me. I could feel the tension radiating off her. I just-I just assumed he was some old boyfriend of hers," he paused and half laughed, shaking his head. "She lied to me. I had a feeling she wasn't telling me everything, you know. But she lied to me. My whole life," his voice cracked. Kate closed the small distance separating them, taking his hand. She squeezed it gently in encouragement. His lifted his eyes to hers and her heart broke at the tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Castle?" She searched his face. She had a hunch as to what this was about, but she was waiting on him to tell her.

"She knew the whole time," he whispered. "She knew who my dad was."

...

Kate drummed her fingers impatiently on the counter as she waited for the coffee to brew. Castle hadn't said much more. He was now sitting on her couch, starting listlessly at nothing. She wasn't sure what to say to him. She had always assumed it bothered him more than he let on, not knowing who his father was. But he was always so cavalier about it.

And now, here he was, falling apart on her couch.

She poured him a cup and fixed it just how he liked it. She approached him slowly, setting the steaming mug on the table next to the couch. He looked up at her with a small smile as she sank down next to him. She placed a comforting hand on his thigh. He dropped a heavy hand on hers and sighed.

"What happened?" She asked quietly.

"He, he recognized my mother. He asked her how she was doing, you know the usual questions. My mom looked like she had seen a ghost. Her answers were short and kept sneaking glances at me," he said. "He looked like me. Or I guess...I looked like him? I don't know, he had no clue. When he asked my mother who I was I just...walked away." He hung his head, defeated. He leaned back into the couch and she followed. There was no longer any space between them.

She turned her hand over under his and laced their fingers together. She heard his breath catch and wished he wasn't so surprised she cared. She laid her head against his shoulder and felt him relax next to her.

"I'm sorry," she murmured, brushing her thumb across the back of his hand.

"I'm sorry," he returned. She lifted her head so she could see his face, confused by his apology. "I'm sorry I came here. Alexis is gone and I just, I didn't know where else to go."

"Hey," she said pulling on his arm until her turned toward her. "Don't apologize. I'm glad you're here."

"You are?" he asked, surprised.

"Yes," she said with a small smile. "Does Martha know where you are?"

"No," he mumbled, looking ashamed. It had been hours. She could still smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Ok." Without really thinking about it Kate leaned over a kissed his cheek. Then she pushed herself off the couch. "I'll be right back." He nodded absently and picked up where he left off staring at nothing. She stopped just out of his eye line and watched the myriad of emotions play across his face. There was definitely anger there, but mostly, all she saw was hurt. She couldn't help but hate Martha just a little bit for doing this to him.

She called his mother anyway, slipping into her bedroom for some privacy. The woman was clearly just as upset and thanked Kate for letting her know her son was OK.

When Kate reemerged from her bedroom Castle was lying down, stretched across the couch. His eyes were open though. His arms were wrapped tightly around a pillow. She noticed he had thoughtfully kicked off his shoes. Despite the circumstances she thought he looked good there. Like he belonged. She quietly approached him, dropping down to her knees next to his head.

"Hey," she said, brushing his hair from his eyes. "How are you doing?"

He shrugged a shoulder.

"Honestly? I don't want to think about it. It's Christmas Eve...wait don't you have plans tonight?" He asked sitting up. He started to pull his shoes on, looking embarrassed. Kate took the shoe from him and dropped it back to the ground.

"Nope, I don't."

He lifted an eyebrow skeptically.

"I have plans with my Dad tomorrow," she explained. He studied her for a moment, his eyes boring straight through her.

"Care to distract me from my soap opera daddy drama until my daughter gets home?" he asked with a nervous smile.

She paused as if she had to think about it. Make him sweat a little, just out of habit.

"Yeah, I think I can do that," she said with a little tease in her tone. His eyes widened slightly at the flirting.

...

Kate ordered Chinese while Castle settled on a Christmas movie that was playing on TV. She thought about getting him a glass of wine but decided against it, grabbing each of them a bottle of water from the fridge instead. She sat back down next to him, as close as she could get, pulling his arm up and over her shoulders. He threw her a questioning look, but she just shrugged. He told her to distract him.

And it seemed to be working. By the time the food arrived they were wrapped around each other and laughing at Buddy the Elf. Kate untangled herself to get the door but Castle was too quick for her. He's at the door paying the delivery boy before she could even protest.

They ate in comfortable silence, eyes locking every few bites. She could tell he was trying to figure her out, whether her actions today were genuine or out of pity. His insecurity in her was unsettling. There was enough uncertainty in his life at the moment, she didn't want to be the cause of more. Especially when there was no good reason for it anymore.

She took a deep and steadying breath, an attempt to gather any courage she could find within herself. Quietly, she set her plate on the coffee table and wiped her now clammy palms against the thigh of her jeans. Castle had that far off look in his eyes again.

It wasn't the perfect moment. But if life had taught her anything, it was that perfect moments didn't exist. What if the next time they end up handcuffed together as tiger bait they don't make it out? She couldn't leave him with that look on his face. The uncertainty pouring from his eyes was drowning her. She couldn't breathe. So instead she jumped.

She shifted toward him quickly, leaving herself no time to change her mind. With one hand on the back of the couch and the other on his thigh she leaned forward and covered his mouth with hers. He startled, a gasp of air escaping before she sealed her lips to his. She gently worked his mouth, trying desperately to convey all the things she couldn't make herself say out loud. It was an apology and promise rolled into one. When she traced his bottom lip with her tongue his mouth fell open. Without breaking the kiss, Kate deftly took his plate and put it on the table behind her.

HIs hands wound their way up into her hair, carefully cradling her skull. She needed to be closer, there was still too much space between them. She slid easily into his lap, her knees bracing his hips. He groaned at the new contact and broke away panting. She moved to the line of his jaw, nipping and scrapping his stubble. His head fell back to the couch as his hands gripped her waist. Her nimble fingers began to work the buttons of his shirt. She was halfway done before he gently grabbed her wrists.

"Kate. What about the wall?" His voice was deep and rough, but sincere. He was still giving her an out. Still. Even now.

She slowly raised her eyes to his. For the first time, ever, she let him see everything. She didn't hold anything back. She was done running. Done hiding. I love you.

The corner of her mouth twitched as she leaned back toward him.

"What wall?"

...

a/n: thoughts? For now it's a one-shot. I may go more into the daddy drama if I can come up with something.