Author: tika12001
Summary: Maura Isles cannot lie, and she also has a tendency to over share. This leads to some rather embarrassing situations for Jane.
Rating: M for adult situations, just to be safe. Not described in great detail though
Authors note: So apparently being sick is the best thing for me, writing wise, as I keep coming up with story ideas! I'm in the middle of writing another angsty one at the moment... but I thought that since the last couple I've posted have been sort of sad, it was time to come up with a light hearted one. Hope you enjoy, and hope it makes you giggle at least once :-)
Maura Isles was a very sexual being. She acknowledged her own sexuality and revelled in it, ensuring her body stayed in optimal physical standard so as to make it easier to find people who would help her fulfil her sexual needs. She knew that Jane, too, enjoyed the physical act of sexual intercourse, and she couldn't understand why Jane seemed so hesitant to talk about it. Nevertheless, she was hesitant, and so Maura had gradually learned to tone down her sexual talk in front of her friend. As Maura did not have the natural filter that so many people seemed to possess, there were still times when she inadvertently embarrassed Jane. This is the story of some of those times.
R&IR&IR&I
"So... she was raped?"
"Not necessarily," Maura replied. "While there was certainly penetration shortly before her death (the evidence causes me to believe that this penetration occurred as little as an hour before she died), there is no tearing or trauma that suggests any violence to the occurrence."
"So, she spent the afternoon with a boyfriend then?"
"No, I don't think so." Jane stared at her, so Maura hastened to continue her train of thought. "There is no body fluid or semen present anywhere on the body, nor is there any evidence of any pubic hair that dropped during the physical activity. This leads me to believe that the penetration was not caused by a human penis, but rather a phallus shaped object."
"You mean a dildo?" Jane asked out of the corner of her mouth. Maura frowned at her. There was no one else in the room, so she couldn't understand why Jane looked awkward.
"Yes, a dildo is certainly what the evidence seems to suggest," Maura replied.
Jane sighed. "So she was... giving herself a happy... when someone decides to kill her. Nice." Jane shook her head, then slapped a hand on the table. "Why do people want to buy things like that anyway?"
"Things like what?" Maura asked, honestly baffled.
"Dildos," Jane replied, again out of the corner of her mouth.
"Well, they feel nice." Jane gaped at her, so Maura continued, thinking that Jane perhaps didn't understand. "Sometimes you don't feel like dealing with a man and their issues, but you do want to deal with their sexual organs. Buying a dildo is a natural way for a person to satisfy their sexual urges without fear of impregnation or contracting sexually transmitted diseases. And, of course, there is the added bonus that with a dildo, you get to pick your optimum length and width. Plus you can get ones that vibrate! The vibrations against the sexual organs can sometimes lead to far more intense orgasms than a person can achieve when dealing with a human partner."
"Please stop!" Jane gasped out. Maura frowned at her. Jane looked very uncomfortable, and her face practically exploded with colour when Frost knocked awkwardly at the door.
"Should I come back later?" he asked. Jane took one look at him, one strangled look at Maura and then bolted out of the room.
"What did I say?" Maura yelled out after her.
R&IR&IR&I
"Sometimes I think I should become a lesbian," Jane sighed, lying down on her bed. Maura jumped up beside her and started rubbing Jo Friday's ears.
"Well, wishes can come true," she cooed at the dog. Jane lifted up her head slightly to look at her, dropping it back with a laugh when she saw Maura's 'coochie-coo' face.
"Nah I like sex too much," Jane sighed, and Maura's head darted up. She glanced at the beer in Jane's hand and wondered whether Jane might be a bit more open to discussing sex with a little bit of alcohol in her system.
"Well, lesbians have sex too, you know. In fact, due to the fact that a woman knows how the female body works and has, presumably, made some effort to find out what is pleasurable for her own self, it can be argued that a female is able to give another female an orgasm greater than..."
"Oh my God," Jane moaned, throwing a pillow over her face.
Huh. Guess not.
R&IR&IR&I
"So, they were all in an open relationship then?" Korsak asked. Maura looked down at each of the four bodies on her table.
"Yes," she replied definitely. "Due to the amount of forensic evidence, I can conclusively say that these four people were in an open sexual relationship."
"All of them," Korsak repeated blankly.
"Not letting that go anytime soon, are you Korsak?" Frost asked with a grin on his face. Jane grinned at Korsak's obvious discomfort.
"Well... I just... even the males? With each other?"
Maura frowned at him, feeling annoyed that her judgement was being questioned. "Yes. As I stated previously, I examined the bodies and found the forensic evidence that allows me to come to that conclusion. Both men presented with evidence of deionised water and benzalkonium chloride around their anus..."
"Otherwise known as lube," Jane piped up with.
"... as well as semen," Maura finished, with only a slight pause to glare at Jane.
"Wow. Well, whatever floats your boat I guess. I just can't imagine... Frost, would you ever have sex with a man?" Korsak asked and Frost spluttered and coughed.
"No. No!" he replied firmly. "But some people do find the idea appealing and..." he paused awkwardly, "...and good for them."
"Yeah, I can't imagine being in a relationship with a woman but some people can. So what," Jane added. All three turned to look at Maura. She was looking at the body in front of her and failed to pick up on their stares for a few seconds, but eventually she looked up.
"What?"
"What about you, Dr Isles?" Frost asked teasingly.
"Yes, ever fantasized about being in a relationship with a woman?" Korsak laughed.
Maura thought about it. "No," she shook her head, and turned back to the body. "But then I've never had to. When I want to engage in sexual intercourse with a woman, I simply find a woman who is open to the idea."
The sound of the door slamming shut caused Maura's head to snap back up. Frost and Korsak were staring at her open mouthed and Jane was nowhere to be seen. She looked between the two men, eyes wide and confused.
"What did I say?"
R&IR&IR&I
"I'm so glad that one is finally solved," Jane mumbled, throwing an arm over her eyes.
"Yes, it was a particularly trying one, wasn't it?" Maura agreed, pouring herself some more wine before sitting back down next to Jane.
"I just can't imagine killing someone because of jealousy."
"Well, Jane, you know it is cited as one of the top three causes for murder in America, and according to a recent study, it has been found that women are twice as likely as men to commit murder based on jealousy."
Jane sighed. "She killed him because she would rather him dead than imagine him being happy with someone else."
Maura pursed her lips. "Well, obviously if a person is willing to go that far there are some psychological issues there as well." She rolled her head to the side to look at Jane's profile. "But come on, hasn't there ever been anyone that you've loved so much that you thought you'd die if you saw them with another person?"
Jane shifted uncomfortably. "Well, sure, but I'd never kill anyone. Another person or myself." Maura smiled at the ceiling and didn't reply. After a few minutes, Jane turned her head to look at Maura. "What about you?"
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"Yes," Maura replied, looking at Jane and smiling brightly. "There's someone I love deeply, and it would hurt me terribly to see them happy with someone else."
"What would you do?" Jane asked, and both women stared at the ceiling as though they could see through it to the stars that lit up the night sky.
"Nothing," Maura sighed. Jane dropped her gaze, but didn't look at her friend. "I would want them to be happy. Even if it's not with me."
"Is the person Ian?" Jane asked.
"No," Maura replied, "but I'm not going to tell you who it is anyway." There was silence in the room for a few minutes, then: "But I do love thinking of this person when pleasuring myself."
"MAURA!" Jane squawked, jerking herself up to a sitting position and staring at Maura with an accusatory look on her face. Maura flushed.
"Sorry. Too far?"
"Uh, yeah!" Jane huffed, and Maura started laughing. Jane started laughing too and flopped back down beside her. "We have got to work on your internal filter, Maura," Jane giggled and Maura smiled at her fondly.
R&IR&IR&I
So, as you can see, Maura Isles could sometimes be rather accidentally embarrassing for those around her. She never intended to be so, but the things her mouth said tended to get her into trouble. However, there was one time that she was very grateful for her lack of internal filter. This is the story of that time.
R&IR&IR&I
"Crabbiness. It's a sign of sexual frustration. As is the fact that you are walking on your toes and clenching your fists much more than usual."
Jane closed her eyes wearily. "Yes, thank you Dr Isles, for that fabulous diagnosis. What do you prescribe to ease my ailment?"
Maura grinned. "One orgasm. Repeat when required."
Jane stared at Maura then walked out of the room. "What?" Maura called out. She looked down and frowned. She thought they were just kidding around, and then there Jane goes, getting all upset and embarrassed about it all. Again. With a huff, she decided to follow her friend and have it out. With a glance at the elevator, she noticed both were on the top floor. She hadn't heard the noisy sound of the door opening to the stairs, which meant that Jane was still down in the morgue somewhere. Maura headed to her office and found Jane sitting in her chair, typing determinedly into Maura's laptop.
"That's my chair," Maura said, sounding much sterner than she felt.
"Yep, and it's got my butt in it," Jane replied, not even looking up.
"What are you doing?" Maura asked, walking over and trying to peer around at the laptop's screen. Jane twisted her body so that Maura couldn't see.
"Private stuff."
"Private stuff. On my laptop?"
"I can't do it on the work computer."
"What can't you do?" Maura darted to the right, Jane moved the laptop to the left. Maura feinted to the left so Jane would move the laptop to the right and... voila! The laptop was in her hands.
"Maura!" Jane whined, making grabby hands at the computer. Maura laughed at her then looked down at the screen. Her mouth dropped open in glee.
"Dildos? You're looking at dildos online?"
"Yes. Now give it back to me," Jane muttered. Maura held the laptop out of reach.
"The problem with buying sexual aides online," she mused, "is that they do take some time to get to you. That's fine if you have something to tide you over in the meantime, but for this particular circumstance..." Maura paused, appearing to be thinking. She suddenly snapped the laptop closed and put it on her desk, picking up her purse.
"Wait, what are you doing?" Jane asked.
"We are going to an adult shop," Maura replied brightly.
"A sex shop? Really?"
"Yes. We'll take my car."
Jane opened and closed her mouth at Maura. "No! No, I am not going to a... to a sex shop with you! No!"
Maura simply stared at her, turned around and started walking out the door. After a few seconds, Jane grabbed her coat and followed. "Why do I always do this?" she wondered out loud, then, "Fine, but I'm driving!"
"Whatever," Maura replied, tossing the keys over her shoulder.
R&IR&IR&I
"Why are we here again?"
"To cure your sexual frustration," Maura said, and Jane rolled her eyes.
"It was a rhetorical questi... oh my God, is that Korsak? Over there! No don't look! No, over there! Maura, stop looking!" Jane slid down in her seat as Maura peered in the direction Jane's hand was flailing in.
"That man doesn't look anything like Korsak. Anyway, Korsak is back at headquarters."
"Where I should be," Jane muttered, starting to sit up. She slid back down again immediately. "Okay, I know that was Frost."
"That's a woman, Jane."
"...Oh."
Maura shook her head fondly. "Come on, let's go."
"No, Maura, I..." Jane squeaked as Maura slid out of the car and confidently strode over to the entrance of the loudly decorated 'ADULT SHOP'. She gestured at Jane to follow her. Jane looked around desperately, finally sliding out of the car and almost bolting to Maura's side.
Maura shook her head. "Lock the car, Jane," she practically shouted, grabbing the keys out of Jane's hand and pointing the remote at the car, which let out its usual deafening 'click' noise as the locks slid down. Jane wondered if it was usually that noisy, or whether the evil presence of the shop had something to do with it.
"Let's just get this over and done with, okay?" she mumbled, clinging onto Maura's coat. Maura raised an eyebrow at her and shook her off. She swept her hair back off her forehead and marched inside, leaving Jane to stare around guiltily then scuttle in behind her.
As soon as the door closed, Jane stopped in her tracks. "Woooow," she said, eyes huge. Maura turned around and smiled at her and Jane immediately raced back to her side. "There's so much..." Jane mumbled, and Maura nodded.
"Yes, but I think you can ignore most of it for now."
"O-okay..." Jane was distracted by the blow up doll that took pride of place in the store, and was therefore distracted when the shopkeeper came up and asked them if they needed any help. Jane was thrown off by how eerily similar the greeting was to walking inside any other store, and temporarily felt tempted to ask where the bananas and chocolate were kept. Oh my God, what if they have banana shaped dildos? And there's probably chocolate body paint in here... "I am so out of my depth," she murmured in Maura's ear. Maura simply smiled at the shop girl, then shot a warning look over her shoulder at Jane.
"My friend here is interested in purchasing her first dildo or perhaps a vibrator."
Jane, who had been curiously poking the doll, suddenly leapt to attention at these words. "No! No, not me. Come on, Maura, don't be shy, it's okay to want to buy your first sex toy..." she started, but Maura grinned at the shop girl.
"Sorry, Jane, but it's not my first trip in here, is it Darla?"
"Sure isn't," 'Darla' grinned, and Jane glared at Maura.
"Fine. I want a... I want a... a toy. Waddaya got?"
"Well, we'll probably want to stick with the basics for your first experiment. Do you agree, Maura?"
"Yes, if she feels the desire to branch out more, she can try something else next time," Maura mused, looking at Jane thoughtfully. Jane pulled her aside.
"Next time? Maura? Is there something you're not telling me about Darla?" she snarled in Maura's ear, who simply smiled at her infuriatingly and gestured towards Darla's retreating back. Jane frowned and had a mini tantrum, finally stomping along behind.
"Here we go!" Darla said brightly. Jane walked up alongside her, taking a good long moment to glare at Maura, then turned her attention to the wall. Her jaw dropped as she was confronted by dildos and vibrators in every size, shape and colour imaginable.
"Close your mouth, Jane," Maura whispered before turning to Darla. "Thank you, this might take some time. We'll call you if we need anything."
"No worries," Darla smiled sweetly, heading back to the counter.
Jane watched her go cautiously. As soon as she was out of earshot she leaned into Maura's ear. "Okay, this is officially ridiculous. Let's just say nothing interests us and get out."
Maura glared at Jane then proceeded to start closely examining the phallus shaped objects in front of her. Jane stood with her hands clasped in front of her, occasionally shooting glares over her shoulder at Darla, who she is sure is watching them but, despite Jane's best effort, she can never catch. Maura, seemingly done with her visual examination, began picking up packets and holding them up to the light. She would pick one up, look at Jane, shake her head and put it back. Then she'd pick up another one and go through the whole routine again.
"Why are there dolphin shaped vibrators? Who gets turned on by a dolphin?" Jane pondered aloud, trying to make the whole situation feel more normal as Maura continued her scrutiny both of the toys and Jane. Maura didn't reply though, so Jane's attempt fell rather short. Eventually she just ended up standing there awkwardly until Maura pulled a packet off the shelf and nodded.
"This will do," she said, and proceeded to start taking it up up to the register. Jane frowned and raced after her.
"Wait, don't I even get to have a look at it?" she asked. Maura looked surprised.
"Oh. Of course." She held up the packet and Jane frowned at it suspiciously. Not too big, not too small, contained a vibrator that apparently 'packed a powerful punch' to 'send you soaring high'.
"Okay," Jane finally mumbled, taking the package and marching resolutely to the register. Just as resolutely, she looked everywhere but at Darla's face. Darla scanned the packet.
"That will be $84.95," she said brightly, and Jane's jaw dropped.
"85 bucks? 85 bucks?!" she gabbled, forgetting to not look at Darla's face as she stared between her and Maura in complete shock.
"I can buy it for you," Maura offered, and Jane thrust her hand up in Maura's face. Maura looked rather taken aback.
"No. Thank you. This has already been weird enough without you buying my... my..."
"Vibrator," Maura helpfully piped up, and Jane glared at her.
"Yes, exactly." Jane almost threw her credit card at Darla and tried not to pout too hard.
R&IR&IR&I
Maura Isles was sexually attracted to her friend Jane Rizzoli, you see, and therefore found it very exciting the thought of assisting her to buy a sex toy. However, even in the admittedly brilliant imagination of Maura's, she could not imagine the toy being actually used; she just knew that as soon as Jane had gotten home that night, the plain brown bag had been tossed in the back of her closet, never to see the light of day again. That's what she thought, anyway, until nearly two weeks later...
R&IR&IR&I
"It's not working," Jane pouted over the phone, and Maura took a minute to get her bearings. It was late, about midnight Maura thought, and Jane was calling her, sounding rather... interesting.
"What's not working?" Maura asked, sitting up to have a look at her clock radio. 11.42. Huh, I was pretty close. She fell back down on her pillows and closed her eyes.
"The toy," Jane whined, and Maura's eyes snapped open.
"You're trying out the toy?" she asked.
"Yes. But it's stupid. It doesn't work like it's 'sposed to."
Maura sat up and rubbed her eyes. "What is it supposed to do?" she asked, wondering vaguely if she was dreaming.
"It says on the box that it's 'sposed to 'pack a powerful punch' to 'send me soaring high'. I'm not soaring high Maura. It doesn't feel wonderful. It just feels... buzzy."
Maura sighed and wondered what she'd done to deserve this torment. "Did you arouse yourself first?"
"I'm horny all. The. Time. Maura," Jane whined. "I don't need to arouse myself." Jane's voice was sounding decidedly slurred, so Maura decided to ask her:
"Are you drunk?"
"No, I don't fink so..." Jane said, and Maura jumped when she heard a sudden loud buzzing. "See, it just feels buzzy, it doesn't feel good."
Maura rolled her eyes and swung her legs off the side of the bed, sitting up. "Put the vibrator down, Jane."
"But I'm sexually frustrated," Jane whined. Maura just silently waited until she heard the buzzing click off and a thump that sounded like the toy had been put down.
"Thank you, now, how many beers have you had?"
"I dunno..."
"Count the bottles," Maura ordered, and listened as Jane counted. She felt relieved when Jane stopped counting at 6. The last thing she needed was to go rescue her friend from alcohol poisoning when said friend was naked, and, oh yes, the object of Maura's daydreams.
"Okay, no more beers tonight, you hear me?" There was a silence after this in which Maura imagined a pouting Jane nodding her head, forgetting that Maura couldn't see her. "Good. Now, alcohol can sometimes act as an inhibitor to sexual arousal but since you say that you are aroused, I believe it is more a case that your body has not yet caught up with your mind in terms of readiness." Maura sighed, trying to talk as professionally as possible so as to end this conversation with the least amount of embarrassment as she could. This was setting off alarm bells even in her mind. "So I suggest you spend some time fantasizing and slowly stimulating your erogenous zones. As your body becomes stimulated, apply the toy as appropriate, but do not turn on the vibration function until you are almost at your climax."
There was silence at the other end of the phone for a little while. "I can't do it, you do it."
Maura felt her heart rate speeding up despite herself. "Do what?"
Jane laughed. "Oh not that... that would be nice, but no, just tell me something to fantasize."
Maura flounders, her mind stuck on the words that would be nice. "Okay..." she says softly. "Umm... I want you to do what I tell you, okay?"
"Mmm, okay," Jane murmured huskily, and Maura slams her eyelids shut at the images that voice produces.
"I want you to run your hands down your body, very slowly," she whispers, "but don't touch your nipples yet." Jane sighed and Maura whimpered.
A few minutes later, Jane cried out into the phone, "Maura!" and shortly afterwards soft snores met Maura's ears. She ran her hands down her body, and, even as she reached her own climax, she wondered what this would mean at work.
R&IR&IR&I
As previously stated, Maura Isles was a very sexual being, and very confident in her own attractiveness and sensuality. So she was rather put out when Jane Rizzoli, the object of her affections, ignored the rather startling fact that Maura had verbally assisted her in reaching orgasm the other night. Unfortunately, this is when Maura's lack of internal filter came out to play.
R&IR&IR&I
"What do you know about the victim?" Jane asked, and Maura looked up at her.
"Well, she's in her late twenties, Caucasian, approximately 5'6", and weighed approximately 160 pounds."
Jane sighed and exchanged a look with Frost. "That's all great, Maura, but do we know what killed her?"
"Yes," Maura replied, pulling the body over towards her and gesturing to a very small red dot on the right buttock. "She was injected with a lethal dose of sodium thiopental."
"Truth serum?" Jane asked, and Maura lit up as she always did when Jane revealed she knew something that Maura expected her not to.
"Yes! However, to invoke the 'truth serum' effect, the dosage applied must be no more than 6-8 mg. This causes the patient to lose mental inhibitors that make lying much easier, and reduces the risk of unconsciousness. However, this lady was injected with 3000mg. A lethal dosage."
"Hmm," Jane murmured, standing up as though to leave and Maura snapped.
"Are you going to just ignore what happened the other night?"
Frost, who was halfway to a standing position, froze and stared between the two women like a deer caught in headlights. Jane sent a quick look at Frost over her shoulder and subtly made a 'cut it out' gesture at Maura, but Maura was determined.
"You achieved climax with my assistance, and said my name at the point of your highest ecstasy! Doesn't that mean anything?"
Frost suddenly collapsed with what seemed like a very serious coughing fit and raced out of the room. Maura looked after him concernedly, wondering if she should go after him and check on him, when Jane grabbed her by the collar and forced her backwards until she hit the cupboard. Maura stared up at her wide eyed.
"You just don't get it, do you?" Jane said, jabbing at her chest with her pointer finger. "You just don't say things like that in front of people! You just don't!" Jane sighed, letting her head drop down. "How do I get you to shut up?" she mumbled, and Maura bit her lip. Jane's eyes darted up and stared at her lips, and when Maura let go of her lip and ran her tongue over it to moisten it, Jane's mouth opened slightly.
"I have one idea," Maura murmured. Jane bent her head down and Maura leaned her head up... their lips came within one inch of each other when Jane suddenly pulled back.
"No... just... no..." she mumbled, backing up until she hit Maura's tray of instruments. The tray rattled noisily, but didn't fall down, but the noise appeared to frighten Jane as she bolted out the door. Maura looked after her, but it didn't take her long to decide what to do. Maura was a very determined person, you see, and when she decided she wanted to kiss someone, she damn well found a way to kiss them. So she followed Jane.
When she got upstairs, if she'd been paying any attention at all, she would have noticed the strange way her colleagues were behaving. Frost and Korsak were standing together against a wall, looking at Jane with confusion and a small amount of fear. Jane, meanwhile, was pacing up and down, wringing her hands and frantically muttering to herself. Maura didn't notice any of this however, she simply stalked in, setting her sights on Jane straight away. Jane froze, watching her cautiously, but Maura didn't give her the chance to run away this time. She strode straight up to Jane and grabbed her arm, forcing her to sit down on the nearest computer chair. She then lifted her leg to plonk herself on Jane's lap, took Jane's face in her own and proceeded to kiss the life out of her.
Well, almost.
Jane was still alive, though very much breathless when the two finally separated, finally bought back to earth by the sounds of clapping emanating from the Frost and Korsak occupied side of the room. Jane flushed, but Maura didn't. She stood up and pulled Jane up with her.
"Excuse me, Detective Frost and Sergeant Korsak, but Jane and I are going to be taking an early day as I wish to engage in sexual intercourse with her."
Jane gasped and gabbled as Maura pulled her bodily out of the building. Frost and Korsak were rendered temporarily speechless by Maura's declaration, but by the time they reached the elevator, she could hear them roaring with laughter.
Jane looked down at her. "We really need to work on that internal filter of yours, Maura," she smiled, and Maura grinned back up at her, twining their fingers together.
"I don't think you mind as much as you make out," she replied, and Jane's eyes crinkled as they stepped into the elevator. Jane didn't mind at all.
R&IR&IR&I
So as you see, Maura Isles tended to talk about sexual topics far too openly for Jane's liking, and, as Jane constantly said, seemed to possess no internal filter to tell her when these topics were inappropriate. When they finally slid into bed together, Jane had to admit though that despite the various embarrassing situations Maura's mouth had gotten her into, her mouth was also very talented at getting her into extremely good situations.
Extremely good.
END