Worth Saving
"God!" Fred exclaimed, her breath hitching in her throat, she pressed her files again her chest. "You scare me even more being corporeal than being all ghosty. Jeez."
"Sorry, luv. Didn't mean to." Spike replied dryly as he leaned against one of the tables in the lab.
All the other employees had left a couple of hours ago but, as usual Fred was doing some extra research. She was still trying to figure out how that flash-box worked that had made Spike corporeal again a couple of days ago. But there was nothing to it then a few pieces of woods, cardboard and the address on the lid.
"You're back early. Thought you were off to Europe to see your girlfriend." the young woman put the files down on the table and started arranging them for her night shift work.
"She's not my girlfriend." his voice took a little harsher tone and a spark of anger flashed up in his eyes.
"Sorry." Fred smiled wryly. "So she's not. Why are you here then? You sounded pretty determined about that plan."
"I know." Spike sighed. "It's just..." Actually he didn't want to go through it again. He had told Harmony before but the blonde was too caught up in her own business that he could have been talking to a wall and would have gotten a better response. But why was he here then if not to tell somebody? To tell the only person who really cared about him these days?
"It's just what? Are you here to start with the haunting and popping up behind me again or is there another reason? You're not slipping back into hell again, are you? Cause that would be..."
"No." he cut her off. Fred was a sweet girl but once she started this whole pep talk about physics and whatever his mind was starting to spin. "That's not it."
Fred looked up from her files and met his eyes for a moment. "What is it then? Spike, I really like talking to you but this needs to be done here. So if there's something I can do for you, you gotta tell me."
He didn't know where to start. At the bar it had been easy. It just slipped out like he was telling an everyday story but now? Maybe it was because Fred really wanted to know it.
"It's about Buffy, right?" she asked when he didn't answer. "Why didn't you go?"
"I wanted to." he replied almost immediately, spitting the words at her but avoiding her eyes at the same time. "I really did. I mean I was down at the peer, had a ticket and all but... I just couldn't."
"Why? I mean, you so wanted to see her."
Spike sighed. "I do. I do want to see her. It's just… I can't just go and pop up behind her like nothing ever happened. I mean I died saving the world, saving her. I did that whole self-sacrifice for a higher reason thing. And now I'm back and I don't even know how that happened. Not that I care, mind you, but..." His rambling broke off as he realised that Fred couldn't quite follow him. He didn't even know how to explain it properly.
"But now you think that it would be less sacrificy when you are back in living color?" she tried. She was a bright girl. The way she had looked at him a second before she had seemed as if she wasn't getting a single word he said.
"Yeah, think so. I mean I wanted to do something right for once. I did a whole lot of stupid things in my life... or unlife for that matter. I mean this whole soul crap is highly overestimated. But I did what I thought was right and it felt right that day. And I would go to her now it just wouldn't be right. Like I wouldn't be…" he broke off again. Why was that so damn hard so say? Like it would burn his tongue to ashes when he told her what was really on his mind. With another sigh he sat down on the stairs that lead up to Fred's office.
"Like you wouldn't be a champion anymore when she would realise that you're here again? Is that it?"
If vampire's could blush Spike would have now. That Fred girl became a little scary. She was having almost too much insight. He remembered when he was the one of the insight back then when he told Buffy what was on her mind before she was even thinking it. It was really scary. So instead he just nodded slightly.
"There is a little more to that than you're telling me, right?" Fred sat on one of the stools at the table, took of her glassed and place them carefully on a pile of files.
Spike looked up at her. Her concerned look making his insides tied up in knots. It had been a long time ago since someone had cared about him. Well, so Buffy did in the end but before that there was a big black void. Nothing and nobody. But now he was here and that woman who barely knew him - and the things he'd done - did care about him. Not that she was the only one who really wanted to bring him back into the physical world but the way she looked at him... it was almost too much to bear.
"It's what she said… what Buffy said that day… the day I died." he began slowly but broke off again.
"What did she say?" Fred asked after a while.
"She said she loved me." he replied with a flat tone, as if it didn't mean anything. But it was a lie, it meant more to him than he wanted to show.
"But Spike, that's great." she exclaimed, a smile on her face.
"Yeah, it would be." he sighed again. "If it was true than I wouldn't be sitting here brooding like your almighty boss. If it was true I'd be over in Europe in no time, having her halfway to happyland by now." And that was a lie, too. But he just wanted to cover his emotions, didn't want her to see how much it was moving him to talk about that final day.
"So… she doesn't love you? Why did she say it then?"
"Because I wanted to hear it. You know, I was dying there, right in front of her and she knew it. She knew that it would be over and that there was no way back. So she told me the one thing that I wanted to hear from her mouth. But I know that it's not true. She doesn't love me, the only one she loves… is Angel." he spat the name, twisting his face in disgust. He paused again, trying to collect his thought before he continued. "I told her so before she went. But even though I know... that those were just the words for the dying man, that it didn't mean anything I…"
"You don't want her to take them back. That's why you don't want to go, right? You don't want her to admit that she just… made it up cause you wanted to hear it."
Spike nodded. And he had to fight back a stray tear that made it's way into the corner of his eye.
"The way she said it... it will always stay with me, you know? I was hoping for it since I fell in love with her."
Fred smiled a little. "So... I guess you're staying here with us?"
"Seems like. I don't want to ruin that memory. Maybe it'll fade one day or I'll die again but until then… it's a moment worth saving."