Title: Support Magic
Summary: Our favorite swamp witch has finally had enough of your endless curiosity about her most practical magic. Parody and crack once again.
Disclaimer: BioWare owns all; I just play in their pond.
Author's Notes: This one is for Shakespira. For reference, I very strongly recommend her story With Noble Intent, which is absolutely hilarious with some quite touching moments, and presents many more practical considerations than just this one. This is heavily inspired by both the story's main character and the author, and fits nowhere within any established world. The inquiring Warden is deliberately unnamed, but I can't deny thinking about Shakespira's Josslyn Amell as she's the character who got us talking about the whole thing to begin with.
An alternate title that has me lamenting the things site admins might have smacked me for: 'Tits a Wonder. Some liberties taken with translation to allow for modern slang. My God, but I have a filthy, twisted mind. Apologies this time to Victoria's Secret and the WonderBra franchise. As well as common sense and dignity, but that should just be assumed by now, I would think.
Reviews are always welcome!
'Tis most vexing, this obsession you have with a matter so personal to me, but if it will cause you to cease your unending questions on the matter I will present to you a choice. Abandon your tireless inquiries about forms you will never understand, and I might be convinced to share with you my knowledge of… other, rather different forms I am not sure you will understand either, however familiar yours may be to you.
Truly? This means more to you than practical and defensible magics that would most certainly aid in your battle against the darkspawn? Very well. I suppose I did express the opinion that you would never master the more lethal arts. No, I really do not wish to know just how often this issue has preyed upon your tiny mind. I swear I have heard more from you on the topic of my magical bosom than from the puerile assassin you insisted upon sparing into your service.
I feel certain I did not just hear you remark upon this darkspawn-filled cleavage of mine. There is a fire. It casts a shadow.
'Tis not a complete school of magic, and 'tis very old, predating even the Chasind lore you assume informs so much of my magic. No, you may not "borrow" from me the clothing you unearthed in Flemeth's shack. I will teach the theory only, and you may do with it what you will.
This band of spells – cease with the snickering, lest I cancel the lesson and leave you to your own devices once more.
This band of spells – I mean it, Warden, I shan't call for silence again.
These spells fall under the heading of a supportive school of… Do you know, I have never before today wished more fervently for some deity to call upon in my frustration?
The school was labeled in ancient texts as Meretricis Vanitas*, as revealed in the manifesto entitled Occulta*, scribed by ancient Tevinter magistrix Victoria.
No, Warden, she lived in ancient Tevinter. Her device of these spells was not the result of her own advancing age. Yes, I am certain, and what did I tell you about the snickering?
And no, I will not translate for you the modern-day interpretation of any of this. If you wish further amusement I suggest packing yourself back to your Circle and engaging in the remedial study of languages, for I will not suffer your mirth at the expense of clothing that has seen me well through my time in the Wilds.
These spells are not named, referred to only by their incantation as was the lore in days of old. First, you must learn to convince your garment that it should remain in place. The accompanying gesture, as I have demonstrated, can be achieved with decorum suitable for any event, as it appears you are merely smoothing the fabric of your apparel.
I said smoothing, Warden, not fondling.
As you complete the gesture, I bid you intone: Pectus Cavea*. With a small amount of concentration, your clothing will now adhere to your form without the use of any of the rather more conventional methods you so detest. Such will cause your garment to allow freedom of bodily movement while restricting any unwanted mammary motion.
Away with you, Zevran! This discussion is not meant for your ears! And I shall have no chortling from you, either!
The second spell is slightly more complicated, as the gesture is entirely mental. As is this entire discussion, in a much different way. You must envision the proper bearing and composure for your… anatomy, and intone: Mirum Sinu*. It may be required to repeat the intonation to achieve the desired level of lift in your attributes.
Warden! They are not balloons!
I cannot believe the fate of a nation lies in your hands, and not only because there cannot be room among the current burden they carry.
Finally, should you wish to dispel either of these magics, simply cancel the channel you hold and intone: Domina Partes Cubans*.
What?
No, this absolutely does not explain why I hadn't sufficient energy this morning to electrify the emissary.
Yes, I am certain. Be off with you now, before you lift yourself away and I am forced to encounter you again after I take wing. Perhaps you wish to enlighten the golem of that which you have learned? Before or after ensuring our pet Templar is no longer in danger of combustion; 'tis of little consequence to me.
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*Meretricis Vanitas – Lit: Harlot's Vanity
*Occulta - Secret
*Pectus Cavea – Tit Cage
*Mirum Sinu – The Bosom of Wonder
*Domina Partes Cubans – Sagging Lady Bits