This Rigged Game We Play
*Author's Note: Hey guys! I was feeling in the mood for a little angsty Harry/Severus, and this was the result. It's in third person, but it's from Severus' point of view. I've made Severus quite twisted in this one, poor guy... Anyways, I hope you guys like it!*
Severus knows it's wrong. He knows that this will never solve his problem, never fill the hole in his heart. But he can't stop. He just can't. Not when it comes so close.
Severus has always been an excellent liar. He couldn't have been a double agent against Voldemort for all those years if he wasn't. So every time it happens, Severus lets himself do what he does best and lies. A little to Harry, a lot to himself. Maybe if he does it well enough, he'll start to believe his own lies. Maybe if he does it well enough, his lies will become reality.
"Look at me," Severus breaths, brushing a stray lock of dark hair out of Harry's face. Harry's eyes instantly open, fixating on Severus' black stare, and Severus breathes out a sigh of relief. It's so much easier to pretend when he can see those eyes: Lily's eyes. A wave of nostalgic affection washes over Severus and he presses a gentle kiss to Harry's lips, careful not to close his eyes against the vision of those sharp, green irises. Severus can see the way Harry's expression softens in response to the love in his eyes and a pang of guilt stabs through Severus' chest. He doesn't deserve the warmth in that boy's features. He's nothing but a liar in love with a memory, but he can't lose this. Not when it comes so close to easing that constant, gnawing pain in his chest. So Severus pushes aside the guilt and kisses Harry again, telling himself he loves Harry. He loves him. He loves him. He loves him.
Lily is dead.
Harry's eyes drift shut as Severus' lips move hungrily over his, and a jolt of panic shoots through Severus.
"Look at me," he murmurs again, and Harry obediently opens his eyes. So green, so perfect. "Touch me." Harry instantly complies, tan fingers tracing a path down Severus' pale stomach to come to rest on the bulge in Severus' greying briefs. Severus sighs as Harry squeezes, tracing the outline of Severus' weeping erection through the worn fabric. He would have given anything to have Lily touch him like this when they were younger: like he was something special, something to be treasured. Severus shudders. He's sick, completely sick to use Lily's son like this.
Part of Severus knows that whatever Harry can give him won't be enough. It'll never make up for the fact that Harry's mother loved someone else, but he can't make himself stop. Severus would rather be here, letting Harry stroke him and love him and let him wallow in the could-have-beens than admit that the could-have-beens can't be anymore. He's been through so much in his life. He can't take letting this go too.
Harry's hand jerks Severus' briefs down over the man's bony hips, allowing Severus to kick them off onto the floor. Severus tears his gaze away from Harry's face to trail kisses down the boy's perfectly tan chest, admiring the muscles that he himself has never been able to have. Buttons are unfastened, a zipper is jerked down, and Harry's pants join Severus' briefs on the floor. Severus palms the boy's erection, shivering pleasantly when Harry emits a low moan in response. Severus begins stroking the boy's cock in earnest, smiling in pleasure when Harry reciprocates, slim fingers wrapping around Severus' shaft. No, he definitely can't give this up. The guilt is worth every second. Almost.
A lube slicked finger circles Harry's puckered entrance and Harry gasps, back arching off the bed as Severus presses a digit smoothly into him. Severus watches Harry's face closely, noting the way Harry's tense features relax as he adjusts to the intrusion. Severus inserts a second finger, scissoring his fingers within Harry's passage to stretch him. It must be guilt that makes him especially gentle with Harry as he prepares him, because as Severus examines Harry's face, eyes screwed shut in discomfort, all he can see is the boy's resemblance to his arrogant father. It's only when Harry opens his eyes again, bright green eyes staring straight into Severus' own that any affection stirs within Severus. Severus slips in a third finger, and after much squirming around, Harry nods slightly, telling Severus he's ready. Severus pulls his fingers free, wiping the excess lubricant from them onto his throbbing member before pressing gently into Harry's tight entrance. It's all slick pressure and murmured gasps of both pleasure and discomfort, and then Severus is fully seated inside Harry. Harry's face is screwed up in pain and Severus has to force himself to stay perfectly still within him. He wants so much to just move, to thrust in and out hard enough to break this aggravating boy beneath him in two, to punish him for not being enough, for not being able to ever truly make the pain in Severus' heart go away, for not being his mother, but Severus forces himself to stay still. Harry has to adjust, and Severus knows that despite the frustration and panic that have been growing within him for months, that Harry doesn't actually deserve that punishment. It's not Harry's fault that Severus is fucked up.
Finally, after what feels like a lifetime, Harry nods and Severus is able to pull out and thrust back in. Harry gasps and Severus has to bite back a moan at the sensation of that hot pressure closing around his cock once more. Severus changes his angle and thrusts in again, searching for that spot within Harry that never fails to have the boy thrusting back against him and writhing in pleasure. A few thrusts later and Severus finds it, drawing a delicious moan from the boy's bruised and swollen lips.
"Severus!" Harry gasps and Severus lets his eyes slip shut, allowing himself to picture red hair and those green, green eyes. Fingers press almost painfully into Severus' hipbones and Severus pictures Lily's delicate fingers piercing his skin in pleasure, envisioning plump, rosy lips spewing forth the moans he can hear as he slams into the body beneath him once more.
"Severus, I'm going to-" blurts Harry as he rocks desperately into Severus' thrusts. Severus just nods, his eyes still closed, fantasies still flickering behind his eyelids. He's close too. A few thrusts later and they're both moaning out their climaxes, Harry's seed splattering against Severus' pallid chest.
"Merlin, I love you Sev," breathes Harry between pants as he wraps his arms around Severus' neck, pulling the other man close. Severus' eyes flash open, any lingering fantasies of silken red hair dissipating violently with Harry's words.
"I love you," Harry whispers again into Severus' dark hair and suddenly Severus wants to cry. Tears prick at the corners of Severus' eyes as guilt and horror at what he's been doing wash over him. What would Lily say if she could see what he was doing to her son? If she knew how he had been lying and misleading him? Severus knew Harry had been falling for him, could see it in the way Harry looked at him, could feel it in the way Harry caressed him, but he had ignored it, telling himself it didn't matter so long as he got his fix, so long as he could just keep that gnawing ache in his chest at bay for one more day. He had been a selfish coward, and Harry fell for it, fell for Severus' lies. It must stop now. Severus had thought that it was worth it, but he had forgotten that it wouldn't just be him paying the price. It would be too fucked up to keep going now that Harry was in love with him.
"Severus?" Harry asks in surprise as he sees the tears in Severus' eyes. "Sev? What's wrong?" The nickname just makes Severus start to cry in earnest. How could he have been so horrible as to let this poor boy fall in love with him? It's too much.
"Hey, hey now," murmurs Harry soothingly, wiping a tear from Severus' flushed cheek. "It's ok. No need to cry. Come on now, I'm right here. I got you." Harry pulls Severus against him, nestling Severus into the muscled plains of his chest. Severus just cries harder. It's just too much.
"Come on," mutters Harry, rubbing soothing circles across Severus' back. "It's ok." Severus draws in a deep breath, forcing himself to stop crying. He's Severus Snape for heaven's sake. If there's one thing he's good at, it's concealing his emotions. Severus pushes lightly against Harry's shoulders, causing the other man to release Severus from his embrace.
"No, Potter, it's not ok," Severus says coldly, refusing to look at Harry. If he can't see those eyes, than maybe his resolve can hold. "I need you to leave at once."
"Wha-What?" asks Harry, completely stunned.
"I already told you, you need to leave immediately," Severus says again, doing his best to say the words as callously as possible. He needs Harry to hate him, needs him to never want to see Severus' face again. It will be easier on Harry in the long run to be hurt now, like this, than to find out the truth. This pain can't even begin to compare to the hurt of knowing that Severus has been picturing Lily's face every time they've been together. This has to be better.
"Wait, Why? What's going on Severus?" Harry asks again, hurt and unable to comprehend such a sudden change in behavior.
"Are you dense?" snaps Severus, hating himself with every word. "I told you to leave. I don't ever want to see you again. Get out." Severus is still doing his best not to look at Harry, but he can still see the anger flash across the boy's face out of the corner of his eye.
"You bastard!" yells Harry as he leaps up from the bed, fury fueling his every harsh movement. He violently grabs his pants, tugging them hastily up each leg. "You complete prat! I cannot believe that you're actually doing this!" A shirt is tugged sharply over Harry's tousled head. "I tell you I love you and you completely freak out! Well fuck you! I don't have time to deal with this shit! If you ever get over yourself and stop being scared of something real, let me know, if not, stay the fuck out of my life you cowardly wanker!" Harry grabs his shoes and storms out of the room, glaring fiercely at Severus before slamming the door behind him. Severus can't tell if he's about to laugh or start crying again at Harry's words. After all, it isn't something real that he's afraid of, like Harry said. It's something very much in his head that scares the shit out of him.
Severus pulls his legs up in front of him, curling protectively into the fetus position as he gives into both urges and laughs and cries all at once until he's so far gone he can't tell one from the other. And it's sick, it's so bloody sick, but he wants to call Harry back and tell him to look him in the eye once more. Just once more. Just once. He just needs to see those perfect green eyes one more time.
*Author's Note: Poor, poor Severus... Sorry about not giving it a happy ending! I hope that didn't disappoint you too much! The story just felt like it needed a rather angsty ending to me. Please review with any feedback, and I hope you liked it! Thank you very much for reading! :D*