I let go William´s hand. I stare at him for some time. His face looks as if he was just asleep. So innocent, with a slight smile. Why didn´t I ever notice how cute he is? Oh no, was. He´s dead now.
„He doesn´t need us, Daisy. Go downstairs and have a rest." William´s father smiles at me, but he doesn´t want to say goodbye so easily, just like me. I didn´t love him. I felt terrible for lying to him, I didn´t want to marry him because it was bad. But I liked him, he was the nicest person I´ve ever met.
If somebody deserved death in the war, it surely wasn´t William. Or better say, nobody deserved it, war is awful, of course, but still. I know mistr Crawley would be dead if William didn´t save him, so it´s good for Downton abbey. We should be glad he did it, he saved our future master. So why am I so angry when I think about it? Why do I want William to be alive instead of him?! Why?! I didn´t love him, did I?
I look at my husband and I feel hot tears in eyes. Husband… funny thing only few hours ago I didn´t want to marry him. But now I´m glad I did it, as Mrs. Pattmore told me. He was so, so happy even though he was dying. Now I´m already crying. I can´t resist, he loved me so much that only the fact that I am his wife made him smile despite he must have felt terrible pain.
Oh, William! I´m so sorry I wasn´t worth your love. You loved me so much and what did I do? I was trying to get Thomas. Thomas! How stupid and naive I was! I know you´re not here anymore and I´m so sorry I can´t be the right wife you deserve. You should have lived a long life, you should have had many children, grandchildren… And they should be mine.
I know I was a bad girlfriend. But could you forgive me? Oh, of course you could. You´re such a nice, good man. And you would never be able to be angry, not about me, would you?
I hold William´s hand and try to ignore how motionless it is. I notice I´m here with him alone. I burst into tears, lean forehead against his belly and I can´t stop sobbing. I´m shivering and I feel like everything in the room went cold. Death embraced me, as well as William and I will never be the same. I can say what I want, but I won´t be. Part of me died with William.
Sad is that I needed William to die to realize that I really loved him. It was such a certainty in my life – he loving me despite everything I´ve done. And now when it´s gone, I feel a big hole in my chest. It hurts. Terribly.
Oh, William, I loved you. I hope you are fine, anywhere you are. God bless you, my love.