A/N: This is the kind of stuff I get around to when something like Tarot cards spike my interest. Thus during and between my major fics whenever I felt like a break I would work on this. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Love Live! Or any of its characters. The original work belongs to: ASCII Media Works' Dengeki G's Magazine, music label Lantis, and animation studio Sunrise.
The Bird Who Was Lost At Sea
There was once a little bird that fell in love with the sea.
The little bird however was not delusional and knew that if it loved the sea, it would drown.
Little birds can't swim, their wings get wet and the water pulls them down into the abyss.
Little birds can't fly across an ocean, the distance far too great, the horizon too late-ending.
So now, this little bird stranded above the ocean had nowhere to go.
Perhaps this is all a test for the small bird.
A flying lesson.
And from here it will find its wings and soar, right up and above the clouds so that not even the endless ocean can be seen.
Yet that would mean the beautiful sea would be lost to it.
The bird then questioned itself:
What was the point of life without the sea?
Even if like a tsunami the sea crushed it, broke it, killed it.
Within its heart the little bird knew.
It wanted to always see the blue of the ocean.
To lose itself in its never-ending splendor for eternity.
It dived, or fell, foolishly into this.
So now it has to face the consequences of its blunder.
Was this bound to happen?
The little bird wondered.
Was it enraptured from the very beginning?
Or perhaps, its love trickled and dripped, slowly permeating every pore of its body until all it could think of was the sea.
The choice had been made, or forced.
All it can do is glide along, until its wings give out or a storm sinks it.
"I, the little bird know this, but you won't ever hear me chirp it. For if I do then my wings will be clipped and I will forever be trapped within a cage."
...
When I first met you we were just little kids, Honoka and I were playing in the park. Those were the simple days when I had simple feelings and hardly ever questioned anything I thought. Life was easy then. If it was fun I wanted to do it. If it was tasty I wanted to eat it. If I liked someone I would spend time with them. If I was in pain I would cry. It was a time before I had to hide everything.
You were like a kitten, peeking your head out from behind a tree. My eyes were drawn to you, the first thing I noticed was your hair. Black, yet at certain angles like when you noticed me and quickly ducked back around the tree, the wisps of your hair appeared almost blue, ultramarine shaded. It befuddled me, it enchanted me.
You poked your head out again and this time it was your eyes that stood out for me. They were eyes of gold, blissfully resplendent. Within them I saw flashing curiosity and want, overshadowed by nervousness and isolation. You noticed me notice you again and just like before vanished out of my sight.
I remained unmoving continuing to stare at the tree you had appeared from, wondering in the recesses of my mind if there were a portal to another world behind it that you had come from. With slow, careful movement you seemed to find the courage to come out again, knowing full well that I was watching you. That was when I knew, despite your exterior that inside you had strength. It was only later in our friendship that I'd come to know just how titanic your strength truly was.
Your eyes met mine and I felt myself go stiff, turned to stone within your gaze. You didn't falter this time and held steady. I thought I would call out to you, to greet you with a resounding tweet and overwhelm you with my instant affection. I was held back though, both with a want not to let this quiet, special moment to end and because I was afraid you might run away from me, out of my world.
"Kotoriiiiii!"
"Ah, Honoka!" I responded, whipping myself around. I knew you were back behind the protection of the tree because I could no longer feel your eyes on me.
"What's up? You've just been standing there and zoning out for a while now." Interested she raised herself to her tippy-toes and leaned slightly to the right, trying to get a good look over my shoulder. Without a thought I moved my body to inhibit her sight, blocking her view of the tree. I couldn't think of a reason why I did, I just felt selfishly that you were a secret that I wanted to keep to myself. But Honoka and I never kept secrets from each other; we were the best of friends. So why now did I suddenly want to prohibit a part of my world from her?
"Ah, well you see, Honoka…" I toyed with the idea of keeping you as my little secret but decided that it would be unfair to keep you from the rest of the world. For them and for you. I felt strangely powerful, as if our futures were hanging on the words I would speak next. I lowered my voice to a whisper and brought Honoka closer to me, giddy with excitement.
"Actually you see, Honoka. There's this girl over by the tree."
That girl was you, Umi.
To this day I won't ever forget the happiness we were blessed to give you, and the happiness you wholeheartedly returned right back to us.
...
'Another one huh? This popularity is just too much. Maybe I should just stop accepting these kinds of things, but then those poor girls…'
I shook my head in frustration trying to clear away my stray thoughts. 'I'll just focus on μ's, I still need to finish our new costumes. These one's are going to be super cute!' I saw Eri ahead of me and picked up my pace to catch up to her.
"Kotori?" She intoned curiously as I came up to meet her.
"Good afternoon, Eri-senpai!" I greeted her with cheer. "We're both pretty late aren't we? You're hardly ever late though, did you lose track of time?"
"First off, didn't I tell you all to drop the senpai?"
"Ah, you're right. Sorry, it's habit."
"Well just work on it. To answer your question, there was just a little something I needed to do for Nozomi. What about you? Student Council work piling up again?"
"There's none at all! Honoka's been really motivated lately and Umi's really great at keeping her focussed. With those two like they are right now the work hardly ever gets overwhelming. All I'm in charge of is snack and some minor organising. So I feel like I'm not contributing enough these days."
Eri's eyes glinted as her lips raised into a smile. "I see it's good to hear you're all working so hard. Don't worry about the volume of your contribution. I'm sure just having you there is motivation for them. Just keep going at it like you are and it'll all be horosho!"
Giggling I nodded, "You're right I guess. Without the snacks Honoka would barely be able to work at all!" We turned the corner and continued at out leisurely pace, there wasn't much longer until this year's graduation ceremony. Soon I'd be a third-year and Eri, Nozomi and Nico would no longer be students anymore. Even though I wasn't supposed to be thinking these things I couldn't help it. Still, it was nice to spend some time alone with Eri like this.
"If you don't mind me asking Kotori, why is it that you're late then?"
"Um, well…" I hesitated, feeling the weight of my bag intensify. "I was having a conversation with a girl from another class. She wanted me to do her a favour."
"Horosho! I should have known the only reason you'd be late was because you were helping out another person. You're too nice Kotori." Eri winked and pinched my cheeks teasingly. These last few weeks all our senpai had been a little more affectionate than was usual, of course I didn't mind.
"Th-thank you!" I chirped out from between stretched cheeks. I rubbed them softly after Eri let them go. I checked the bottom of my bag for a hole, irrationally fearful that the letter in my bag had erupted and was burning a hole through it.
"Uwah! That's amazing Kayo-chin! Really amazing, nya!" Rin's mirthful voice sung from within the club room.
"Looks like something good happened," Eri said while pulling open the door and stepping inside. "Sorry we're late." She addressed the rest of μ's and bowing down I gave my apology as well.
"Oh, Eri! Kotori! You should have seen it Kayo-chin got an amazing fortune just now! Nozomi's amazing, nya!"
"Uhh, It wasn't that great a fortune, Rin-chan." Hanayo reckoned fretfully, waving her hands in denial of the statement. "Rin-chan's just easily impressed."
"Ehhh? What are you talking about, nya! Nozomi's amazing reading into the future like that! And you got the Sun which means your futures assured to be great! I'm so jealous, nya!" Rin ran up to Hanayo and glomped the rice-loving girl, rubbing their cheeks together and purring warmly.
"What's the point of being jealous if you haven't even had your fortune told yet?" Maki interjected, leaning back on her chair. "Also there's nothing to be excited about. Fortune telling and Tarot cards have no scientific reasoning behind them. Their accuracy is based on a principle similar to the barnum effect. The meanings of the cards are broad and ambiguous enough to apply them to any situation or person. They're not really accurate, just tailored to look like it's being specific when really it can be applied to a wide range of people."
"Geh!" Rin articulated clamping her hands to her chest looking as if she'd been shot. "Maki-chyan geeked out on us."
"Oh, sorry, Nozomi. I didn't mean to insult you or your fortune-telling skills."
"I don't mind." Nozomi responded tilting her head to the side and smiling maliciously. "After all you're just upset over your reading."
"Yeah, that's right!"Nico popped up behind Maki, frightening the rose-haired girl. "You're just upset because your personality reading called you greedy and dishonest." Nico leered closing in on the slowly reddening Maki.
"Shut up!" She shouted and began pushing and shoving at the ever advancing Nico. Nico grabbed at Maki's cheeks and Maki responded likewise. The pairs playful teasing uplifted the mood and the rest of μ's paid them little mind, progressing on.
"Oh, Nozomi, Nozomi! Do me next please!" Honoka asked running to sit beside her.
"Alright, what kind of fortune do you want, Honoka?"
"Is there any kind where I can tell if my dream is going to come true?"
"Hmm… for that it might be best to go with the wish spread." Nozomi deftly collected the cards from the face of the table , cut the deck twice and began to reshuffle them. "Alright , Honoka. Keeping your wish in mind pick your cards!"
I beamed at Honoka's typical enthusiasm. I hope she gets a good fortune. Being in the clubroom with all the other μ's members was always refreshing. There was always so much vibrant energy and there was hardly ever a dull moment to be had with such an assorted collection of people. Yes, μ's was always happy and exciting.
"It's quite lively in here, right Umi-chan?" I turned to you, sitting at the far end of the table watching the scene with a placid expression. Your antiquely coloured eyes drifted to me.
"It's always lively when everyone's here. And we were supposed to talk about our practice and fitness regimes."
"Always the diligent one," I said, ambling my way towards you. I placed my bag down on the table and sat down. Stretching out my arms I yawned tiredly. I'd stayed up the night before trying to finish my new costume design, I had almost finished but I ended up falling asleep and drooling all over it.
"You got Strength first, Honoka. Which means the basis from which your wish springs from is your compassion and kindness. Your wish is created with those attributes in mind, you desire a small sort of control and to instil strength within others." Nozomi began, interpreting the cards. From what she said, it did seem like something Honoka would wish for.
"It's quite rare for Nozomi to want to tell everyone's fortunes." You said, creasing your brow in wonderment. "She's got quite a lot of confidence in her skills, and from what I've seen so far her readings are pretty accurate. But it really is uncommon for her to do this."
I leaned forward curious to see what Honoka's next card was and how her fortune would unravel. "Maybe she just felt like practicing her skills a little. Or maybe she wanted to get a picture on what our futures were going to look like. She's being a good senpai and worrying over us, that seems just like Nozomi." I declared.
You nodded along with my notion, smiling to expose your alabaster teeth. "That does seem like Nozomi. She acts calm all the time, but she's really just a big worrywart." Leaning on one hand you closed your eyes and listened intently to the ooh's and ahh's.
"According to your fifth card, The Star, those who can help you achieve your dream are people who possess hope and generosity. They are quite famous or powerful and serve to inspire the world. However be-"
The sound of chatter slowly faded around me until it all became background noise. Hypnotised, that's what I'd become. Around you, these days I just couldn't help but be completely entranced by you, your hair, your scent, your voice, your smile, your body. I became hypersensitive towards you, absorbing every small detail.
Despite my inhibitions, being this close to you I couldn't help it. I couldn't help but stare, dumbfounded by your noble beauty. Whenever I'd imagined a princess in a book, or a prince. It was always you I dressed in their shoes, donned in their robes and then explored. You were beautiful, yet it was the humble kind of beauty that you yourself were unaware of. Of course that only made you all the more delightful.
Bewitched I found myself admitting aloud: "You know, Umi-chan, I think out of all the member of μ's. You're the prettiest."
Your reaction was exactly in line with my expectations, no in fact it went above and over. "Wh-wh-wh-what are you ta-talking about, Kotori!" You exclaimed, opening your eyes with reddening cheeks. "Th-there's no way that's true! Not with Maki and Eri-senpai! Also Honoka and you are all really cute as well. There's no way I'm prettier than any of you. It's alright to tease me but don't say something so ridiculous!"
"It's not ridiculous, it's the truth." I closed the distance between us, pressing myself so close to you that our noses were only the slightest centimetre away from touching. Within this space I felt my heart accelerate. I could feel your warm breath tickle the senses of my lips. They itched and prickled, wanting satisfaction.
"You, Sonoda Umi. Are the most beautiful person here, no in the entire world!" For a second, time stood still and the closeness being shared between you and I seemed eternal. So close, all I need to do is say I tripped, I slipped, I fumbled. A lie like that can't hurt anyone. Can it? I realised my thoughts weren't just silly jokes. I was serious, I wanted to do it, I was going to do it. That was my state of mind until I felt your hands pushing at my shoulders, barring me from entering the piece of space reserved solely for you, and someone who couldn't be me.
"What's up with you Kotori," You said nervously, a little alarmed. "You're acting weird."
"I'm not. I'm just speaking my mind."
"And for the eighth card it's the knight! Coupled with the wand previously means the way to achieve your dream is to be bold! You must strive towards your goal with passion and confidence, continue adventuring with your life and charm everyone before you! As long as you do that you'll be unstoppable!"
"Awesome!" Honoka shouted. She raised her fist to the sky and hardened her face in determination. "So basically I just need to continue what I'm doing now and the world will be mine!" Honoka placed both hands on her hips and began to laugh maniacally.
"Ehhh, no way Honoka's dream was to conquer the world, nya! No fair, no fair! Do me next! Do me! I want to see if my dreams going to come true, nya!"
With an obnoxious laugh Honoka looked pointedly at Rin. "Oh naïve one. My dream is far superior to world domination."
"Universal domination!?"
Honoka winked, "I'm not telling."
"Boring."
"No fair."
"As expected of Honoka," You said shaking your head.
"Don't listen to them Honoka-chan! Your dream is yours to keep!" I encouraged her, giving her two thumbs up. "Also who do you think is the prettiest member of μ's?"
Honoka tilted her head in confusion, "That would have to be Umi wouldn't it?"
"WHAAAAAAAAAT!?"
"HOROSHO!"
...
"Do you still have archery practice after this?" I asked you, picking up my bag.
"Yeah, I haven't been practicing much lately so today's going to be an extra-long one."
The commotion I had caused had calmed down mostly and the clock struck 5'o clock just a Nozomi was finishing up the last of her fortune telling. Now most of the μ's members were filing out of the clubroom and going home.
"I'll come and wait for you to finish practicing then."
"You don't have to, I mean don't you want to get home in time for supper?"
"It's fine, it's fine. Mom's busy with year-end things anyway so if I wait with you she'll be able to give us a lift home in her car. It would be dangerous for girls to walk around after dark."
"I see. Sounds like a good plan."
"Also we have to be especially careful since your fortune ended with the death card!"
Looking grim you turned your eyes to the floor. "Don't remind me."
Seeing I had gone a little too far I immediately began to try and rectify the situation. "Ah, but don't worry, don't worry! It doesn't signify anything scary like actual death and all just change and transition!"
"Change…huh. Still… that also scares me a little."
"Umi…"
"Ah, Kotori-chan, Umi-chan," Honoka called to us. "Sorry but I won't be able to come home with you guys. I have somewhere I need to go."
"Don't worry about it," You said waving off Honoka's concerns with a friendly smile. Looking visibly relieved she sighed.
"Although, where do you need to go, Honoka?" You asked, curious.
"I'm meeting Tsubasa."She told us calmly.
"Tsubasa?" You and I repeated in synch. The name was familiar, in fact we both knew a Tsubasa however…
"Yeah, Tsubasa Kira. The leader for A-Rise, remember?"
"WHAT!?" We both shouted, shocked and amazed. "But! How? When? Why? Huh?"
Grinning sheepishly Honoka rubbed her cheek, "Well we bumped into each other the one day and we helped each other out. We exchanged e-mails and we've been chatting since. She wanted to meet up again today so I figured why not?" Stunned into silence neither of us could move or speak. "Ah! I'm going to be late. Sorry I'll explain it in more detail later but for now I've got to run. Bye! See you tomorrow!"
"…Honoka…" You started.
"…is amazing…" I finished.
…
"Kotoriiiiiii where do you think you're scampering off to?" Nozomi questioned me in a sing-song voice, loaded with a menacing undertone. You and I were in the door, just about to leave after Honoka's stunning reveal.
"I'm going to go watch Umi practice, why?"
"But you're the only one whose fortune I haven't read!"
"Is that really necessary?" I asked, casting a sideways glance at you. Actually… "U-Umi-chan why don't you go on, I'll catch up when I'm done."
"Eh?" You articulated, looking slightly bewildered. "But I'm curious to see what kind of fortune you get."
"I'll tell you all about it in full detail! But you need to go now, I don't want to be the one responsible for you not getting enough practice in. You have that competition coming up don't you?" With a defeated look you sighed and shook your head, reluctantly you nodded.
"Then go." I ushered you out the door and gave you a friendly pat forward. I lifted a smile, watching your every step until you took a corner and were gone. Then that simply, without you in my sight my smile faltered. With a somber expression I closed the door to the clubroom and approached Nozomi.
Nozomi was well equipped for her position as a sort of group mediator. She possessed that aura of assuredness which was infectious. She was comfortable, easy to talk to, reliable. If anyone were to select a mother for the group it would surely be her.
Yet, there was something else she possessed that really completed her image. With her emerald eyes she had the uncanny ability to make it seem as if you were made of glass, and despite the kind of wall you erected, it always seemed you were transparent before her.
"It's alright, Kotori. There's no-one else here but us now. Sit down." She kept her voice low and her tone a sort of paradoxical professional-intimate. It had the effect of making this all seem natural, detached and business like yet brought it together and cemented it with the assurance that she did care, that she wanted to help.
I think she already knew, about me, about what I felt, about the things I wanted to do.
"Can you tell me about…Do you have a fortune for love?"
She nodded and began her usual process of cutting and shuffling. When she was done she laid out the cards dexterously across the table. "Now, keeping your question in mind I want you to pick six cards." I nodded feeling unusually nervous. Don't be stupid, it's just a fortune. Bracing myself I ran my hands across all of the cards, resonating my question throughout my mind. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to know what to pick, but I made sure not to think too much about it and to just pick, without questioning.
The cards surfaces were smooth and they seemed to attach themselves to my hand, as if my hand were glue, or Velcro. With nervous fumbling fingers I finally managed to pick six cards from the pile. Nozomi collected them in the order they were picked and spread them across the table in a pyramid of 2-3-1.
"Now I just want you to keep in mind that these are mostly just predictions, what they say isn't necessarily true. Sometimes you have to read in between the lines to understand what the message being conveyed is, okay."
"Okay," My voice was oddly dour, shaky and expectant.
She flipped the first card, The Moon. "The first card represents how you feel about yourself. The Moon shows confusion, you feel vulnerable and full of doubts. It expresses illusion, you feel as if you're deceiving those around you. My own advice for this is don't let any stormy emotions cloud your judgement and try to find clarity."
I nodded dumbly, the first card and Nozomi's reading felt frighteningly accurate. The atmosphere suddenly became extremely eerie. "You know what, I don't think I want to do this actually."
"You can't leave a reading before it finishes, that will bring bad luck to you." Nozomi warned me, she reached her hand out to take a hold of my own. "It's alright, Kotori. You don't have anything to worry about."
Hesitantly I tried to calm myself down by taking deep breaths. If the first card was so accurate, then does that mean the rest are as well? So… what she says will come true. So I could find out if… If Umi…and I…
I was terrified of the outcome, but I wanted to know, I needed to know. If it was at least, somehow possible for you and I, to be more, then I had to know. Nozomi flipped the second card, The High Priestess.
"The second card shows what you want most, well The High Priestess represents non-action and mystery, as well as potential and unconscious awareness. Most likely what you want most right now is something you have yet to admit to yourself; you want to reveal a secret you've kept locked up inside of you."
"Third, your fears, Lovers. The Lovers represent values, personal beliefs, relationships and sexuality. Your fear stems from one, or all of these. You're afraid of what you want, of being hurt and how you feel that you've paralyzed yourself. I think this cards reading is supported by The Moon, representing the confusion surrounding you."
"Nozomi, d-do we really, really have to finish this?" I asked barely raising my voice above a whisper. This was beyond coincidental, beyond creepy. I truly felt stripped naked, revealing my nude flesh, my bare insecurities. Goosebumps were already rising on my arms and legs, resembling tiny white nests in which my fear and uncertainty were housed.
Nozomi looked up from the table, her outstretched arm paused above the fourth card. Reeling back she looked at me with eyes of sympathy. I immediately cupped my hand in my lap, feeling small and weak. "For you to be so eager to leave, my readings must be quite accurate. If you really want to leave Kotori I won't stop you, but do you really want to stop now? We're halfway from here. It wasn't my intention to make you upset, I want to help! But for that, we need to reach the end. Okay?"
I clinched my teeth together, feeling like my joints had turned to stone I shook my head stiffly. She reached over to squeeze my hand comfortingly, "Come on, I'm sure it'll all turn out fine. It's a bit of a rough start, but if it's been so precise then that means you can trust the conclusion, doesn't it? We could skip right to the end, but the cards before will affect the reading of the conclusion. So if you want one that's ninety-nine percent accurate then you're going to have to push through this. I'm positive this will end happily."
"Really?"
With a cocksure grin, Nozomi winked. "Of course! I'm quite assured of my intuition and it's my experience that bad starts like this always have good conclusions."
Feeling reassured, I made my hands into fists and roared: "Okay! Let's do this!" Feeling inspired I reached over and flipped the fourth card, The Hanged Man.
"This card often has a negative connotation to it because of the image it portrays, but really this card is all about reversal, sacrifice and letting go. In the fourth position, what is going for you this card would represent that… with patience the correct choice will show itself to you. And so… you'll know who, or what to let go of to move on."
Let go of? Noticing my distress, Nozomi suddenly spoke up, "Remember these cards are made to be ambiguous, so don't think too much about it. Otherwise you'll only end up stressing yourself out." I nodded again, not really reassured. Wanting to hurry this up I flipped the next card irascibly. Death.
"The fifth card, what's against you. Death typically represent change and transition, but…"
"But?"
She placed a pale finger atop the death card tapping it meaningfully, she looked to be in a state of deep thought. "Well, notice that the death card is upside-down. Therefore its reverse reading applies. In which case it means that you're resisting change. In the fifth position I can only interpret it as meaning that it's impossible to change, or that as much as you might desire a change to be had, it will not happen. What's working against you is a resistance to change."
A resistance to change? Then… does that mean that Umi's feelings towards me won't change. At all? She, she did say change was scary to her. "But then what does that mean for my love!?" I shouted, slamming my hands down on the table.
A flicker of uncertainty flashed across Nozomi's the usually confident set of her face. "I-I can't say until we see what the last card is, like I said the previous cards affect the reading of the last one so if we were to get something like The Chariot then that would mean unstoppable victory, or something similar. What we don't want is…"
"What?"
"No, nevermind. I'll just flip the last card now. Better than to talk about what we might or might not get." She reached out, trying to maintain her cavalier facade. Yet there was no way to miss the slight trembling of her hands, which seemed to synch with my rapidly drumming heart. Or the great trepidation painted all across over her body, perfectly mimicking mine. She flipped it.
"So," I started, unsure of the cards meaning. Yet already I could guess, there was an undesirable aura seeping off of that card like a heavy cloud of gas. Diffusing and disseminating all around the stuffy room. "What does that mean?"
"It means, well at least within reference of the previous cards…I'm sorry."
"Tell me what it means, please!"
"Sixth card, the outcome, Devil. You need to change the path you're on now or your obsession will grow and you will be tied down, losing your independence. It's addictive, you may soon become a slave to your desires. The other party is unaware, ignorant of your feelings. If you pursue this your future is bleak. It's hopeless and destructive. This is a warning."
Obsession. Unaware. Bleak. Hopeless. Destructive. Warning. Becoming an unending chorus, those words sang and fluttered around in my head. They hit low, rumbling notes of anger, high, screeching notes of denial. A symphony of blue, crescendo's of sorrow, an espirando of realisation. I was sitting in a dark, gloomy amphitheater where the sonata of love impossible played, endlessly, repeating, embodying my inner turmoil into a sea of masterful music.
"―member these are just predictions. There's no reason for them to come true, in the end it's all about how you interpret the reading. This isn't that negative really all you have to do is―"
"No, Nozomi, you're wrong." The notes began to die away, falling flat in the empty amphitheater. The orchestra crumbled to dust one by one, ruinous cracks and dirt began to infest the once great stage. All that remained now, was one, tiny, inconsequential bird. Tweeting, chirping, chipping and piping all by itself.
"I mean, I knew it all along really. You just convinced me of it."
"Kotori don't leave yet, I have another fortune we could try. You don't want to leave it at this do you?" I stopped her hand that was frantically collecting up the cards and held them still between my own. I smiled gleefully at her.
"Don't worry about it, Nozomi. This is the best way it could have turned out. Better to face reality now than to delude myself for even another minute."
"Kotori…"
"Thanks for helping me out. You're a great senpai!" I released her hands which fell limply back to her sides. I gathered up the last of my things, feeling, lighter, freer. "Please don't let this bother you, you really did help me today! See you tomorrow!" I waved at her merrily quickly exiting the suffocating room. I went down to the first floor, checked behind me for Nozomi and then climbed the stairs to the third floor. I found the bathrooms and entered them.
I told myself I'd be quick, after all you were waiting for me. I needed to make sure that when I arrived I'd be smiling just for you. The freeness I'd felt, the lightness and relief were exterminated instantaneously upon entering the secluded toilet. After all I could only be strong with others around to guide me, people like Honoka, Nozomi and all the other members of μ's. By myself though I was weak and collapsed effortlessly.
Clutching my heart and keeling over in pain, feeling sore enough to vomit I cried.
Alone, in this isolated stall, atop the third floor, away from anybody who might hear I bawled.
I needed to release everything. The body numbing pain that inexplicably managed to be felt at every part of me. My chest, legs, arms, fingers, toes, nose and ears. Even the follicles of my hair, all of it hurt.
Umi! Umi! Umi!
I wanted you, felt like I needed you, but I couldn't have you. So let me do this now. So that I can try and give up on you and welcome the person who will one day, steal you away from me. Even if deep down I know, I will always resent that person and continuously wish that it could have been me.
...
And so the little bird wept.
Yet its tears could never bring about a new ocean.
Only a puddle.
It would wander the sea, searching for a way out, the shores of new lands.
Yet no land was as beautiful or as desired as the sea.
So the bird would continue its lonesome wanderings.
Waiting for the day, one day.
When the sea would dry up.
And it would lose the purpose of its life.
…