A/N: I promised y'all a blind Dean fic from Dean's point of view. I wrote this for the prompt "Dean is blind" after writing 5 Signs that Something Was Wrong with Dean. You should go check that fic out too ... it's a blind Dean fic, but from Sam's point of view. Anyway, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Literally.
Too Dark to See
It's weird how when your life gets all screwed up, everything changes – the big and the little stuff.
Take the saying, "See what I mean?" When I was first going blind and no one knew, anytime someone said "see what I mean" or "see you later", I flinched. I didn't mean to, but all I could think about was the fact that pretty soon I wouldn't be able to see what they were saying and I wouldn't see them later. I wouldn't be able to see anything. Later, after I had actually gone fully blind, it didn't really bother me anymore. I'm not a chick – I got over it. But … it still bothers me when someone will mention sight and then pause because they realize they're talking about being able to see to a blind person. I can't see their face but I know they look horrified. I can feel it. I don't care if you talk about being able to see – talk out it! Don't tiptoe around me like I'm made of glass or something. I'm blind, not helpless.
Knockin' On Heaven's Door – there's another one. Classic, awesome song. But at one point, the lyrics go like this: "Mama take this badge from me, I can't do this anymore. It's getting dark, too dark to see." And at another part: "Mama put my guns in the ground. I can't shoot them anymore. That cold, black cloud is comin' down." That song nearly killed me a couple of times at first because it went from being an awesome song to being the story of my life. "Take this badge from me … It's getting dark, too dark to see"? Yep. There was one moment during a hunt when Sam and me were pretending to be agents again, and I remember that line of the song running through my head. Because that was what was happening … it was getting too dark for me to see and I needed to stop – I needed to put that badge down. Later on in the same hunt, in our motel room, I reached for the shotgun 'cause I was gonna carry it when we went after a vengeful spirit later. But that song was on the radio and "I can't shoot them anymore … that cold, black cloud is comin' down" was playing in the background and I realized I was gonna have to stop carrying the shotgun soon, because at that point, I was barely able to shoot anything. Sammy hadn't noticed quite yet, but it was going to happen soon. It was weird that those lines nearly made me kill myself. You know, really "knockin' on heaven's door". I didn't actually try to – I just came close a couple of times. Maybe Sam sensed that. Maybe that's why he always skips that song when it comes on nowadays.
"Watch out for Sammy" still runs through my head. I can still hear my dad's voice whenever Sam get's into something dangerous. Can't really watch out for Sammy anymore, though. Really, he watches out for me now. It used to be depressing but now it's kinda funny. Sam watches every move I make and won't let me do anything he thinks is dangerous. Well, he tries not to let me … he can't really stop me.I don't think Sam finds it funny, but hey! I can appreciate irony! If this is how Sam felt all those years when I watched over him, then I get why he was a little bitch sometimes. He's still a little bitch sometimes, probably because I'm still in charge. I can't "watch" over him but that doesn't mean I can't protect him anymore. I can still kick the ass of anybody who messes with him.
The Impala's purr is so much sweeter now. I can't see how she looks, but I can tell my baby's fine just by her sound. The sound of Cas' wings mean something more now too. I can tell where he is just by that weird sound they make when he appears. Usually, I can tell before Sam even knows Cas is there. Small victories, right?
Cas isn't all powerful. I think he had to learn that. He couldn't heal me, you see. He tried but for some reason, his angel mojo can't undo curses. Sam isn't unlimited either. I think that's something he's learned. Hunting alone is hard for him – we were a team, you know? I mean, we still are – we still hunt together. It's just, sometimes, I can't be there because I'd … I'd only slow him down. I can still fight! I can still whip Sammy's ass. It's just, sometimes, it's … not the best idea. I guess that was what I had to learn. I can't always be there, I can't drive the Impala anymore, I can't go after ghosts or vampires anymore, I can't do this, I can't do that. Things have changed. My life has changed. Sometimes, it really sucks. I was a hunter, part of team Free Will and all that. Now? Now I'm broken and can't be fixed. It's too dark for me to see.
But somehow, I do alright anyway.
A/N: What'd ya think? Critque on how I wrote Dean is very welcome. Review, review, review! By the way, the title (kind of obviously) is a reference to "Knockin' on Heaven's Door". I used the Guns 'n Roses version, not the Bob Dylan version, because that's the version I think Dean would listen to and ... that's my favorite version!