I wrote this because I just adore Alicia and Grace so much and I wished they would talk more. I love family moments, it allows me to also have Alicia talk a little bit more about things I feel she rarely talks about on the show. Hope you enjoy it!
I wasn't prepared for this day. In fact, I don't believe any mother is. From this morning until this evening, the day had been filled with excitement, laughter and tears. Grace had graduated from High School; my little girl was going off to college soon. In a matter of two years, I lost both my babies and as sad as I felt, it was also completely rewarding to know they were leaving home and to venture into world and do better things. After the graduation ceremony, we all came back to my apartment and celebrated with Grace. A custom cake, excess of food and friends and family filled our home as we partook in this joyous occasion. That all ended about an hour ago. Now, I'm left to drown in the aftermath. As I finish cleaning the dining room, the second I grab an empty wine glass, I'm reminded of the chaos that almost erupted earlier from our blended families. It was hard enough to be in a room with my mother, but with Jackie, Zach, Peter, Owen, Eli and a few of Grace's friends also here, I never know which pairing would light a match and cause this afternoon to blow up in our faces. It was rare, now a days, to have so much family all in one room that I had forgotten how stressful it could be. But yet, everyone was almost on their best behavior, allowing me to enjoy my son and daughter together, and even Peter. It felt…nice.
Glancing in the direction of her bedroom, I see the door is slightly ajar, her bedroom light streaming into the hallway. Dropping the dishtowel from my hand and onto the semi-clean table, I remove my apron and head towards her room. Grace had decided to stay in for the night to finish tidying up her room and pack the remaining things she was planning to take to college. I'm sure she doesn't need my help but I'm soaking up every last minute until she walks out of my front door. The sight of her standing in front of her closet and flipping through her clothes, creating small piles of things I imagine she will take or leave while she listens to music, warms my heart as I walk into her room.
She's oblivious to my presence when I sit along the edge of her bed, watching as she sways her hips to the music. "You are not planning to pull a Zach and leave me tonight, are you?" I tease her.
She spins around quickly with a startled look on her face. "Hey, mom! You scared me." Tossing a shirt into a pile, she turns the music down a little before facing me. "Of course I'm not leaving tonight! Like I promised, before I leave next week it's going to be just you and me."
"I am really looking forward to this," I tell her as I get up and walk towards her window seat. Staring down into the quiet street, I take a moment to appreciate the city at night. "Your graduation was beautiful today." Sitting down on the cushioned seat, I smiled sadly. "I am so proud of you, sweetheart."
"Thanks, mom. It was really great, it just happened so fast! And thank you so much for coordinating dinner. It was good to have you all together in one room."
"You are welcome. It was nice to have the whole family together celebrating you, wasn't it?"
"Absolutely. Even grandma Vero and grandma Jackie behaved themselves," she tells me as she walks over to turn off her iPod.
I chuckle at her comment. "They had to! Your dad and I were keeping a very close watch."
"Thank you both for that. By the way, I was glad to see you and Dad together. You two seemed happy being in the same room tonight."
For a second, I freeze. The subject of Peter's and my marriage was something we avoided unless absolutely necessary. Especially when discussing it with our children.
I nod at her and smile.
"Yeah, it was nice." I hope she drops this; I don't want to think about this tonight. "Do you want me to help you pack?"
"Oh no, that's okay, mom. I am not really packing, just going through some of my clothes and deciding what should stay and what should go," she says as she continues to sift through her closet.
"Ah ok. Well, ah, maybe could take a trip to the mall this week to get you some new stuff. If you would like?"
"Mmm…sure." I can see her hesitation by the tilting of her head and the way she slowly pivots to face me. Uh-oh. "Actually, dad asked me today if he could take me shopping sometime this week, though. But you are welcome to join us of course."
"Ohh, no that's okay." That is definitely not going to happen. "Go with your dad. You should spend some time with him before you leave for school. We can do other stuff."
"Ok! Good," she tells me as she puts her stuff down and makes her way to sit next to me on the window seat.
"So, how are you and dad doing?" She inquires.
I lean back slightly at her question. One would think we're the last of her worries considering the life we've forced her to adjust to and bright future ahead of her. "Good," I respond, slowly. I'm not sure if it's a lie or the truth.
"Are you sure?" She looks at me, worry etched across her face.
"Yes." This time, I turn to completely face her. "Why?"
"I won't lie mom, I am worried about you now with Zach and I both gone. I don't want you to be alone."
"I won't be. I have Owen and grandma Vero. My firm…" When she reaches out her hand to lie atop mine, I can tell she's not 100% convinced.
"I want you to be happy," she tells me in such a soft tone.
"I am happy, sweetheart. You and Zach achieving success makes me so happy."
"I know it does. But, what about other stuff? What are you going to do with your spare time?"
"What spare time?" I chuckle. "I will be fine. With the new firm and your dad's campaign, there is plenty for me to do."
"And how is the campaign going?"
"It's going well…keeps us both busy."
"Yeah I bet." She smiles then looks down at her hands and hesitates; I can tell she wants to say more. Before I can ask her what's wrong, she calls for me seconds before the question rolls past my lips.
"Mom?"
"Yeah?" I look down at her.
"Why did you agree to another campaign? When dad first proposed it, you seemed against it."
"I was...sometimes I still am. But you know your dad has so many political ambitions. He was there for me last year, when I ran and when I resigned. I didn't want to be the one to take this dream from him. You and Zach seemed mostly on board with it, too. So, I decided to support him. He is a great politician with an extraordinary career, he is good at this political stuff. I decided to support him because I thought he deserves a shot at this."
She nods and smiles before dropping her eyes. "But is your support at the expense of your happiness? Your life?"
"No." I tell her shaking my head. "Sweetheart, why would you even think that?"
"I don't know, mom. You seem to always do things for Zach and me…for dad. You always put us first before yourself."
"That comes with being a parent, and a spouse. Having a family. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices."
She rolls her eyes and sighs. "I know. I just…I just want to make sure you are doing things for yourself as well. I didn't think you wanted to be involved in politics anymore after last year."
I nod in agreement because what she said is true; sometimes I can't explain this yo-yo love affair I have with the wispy world of politics.
"I know. It is weird isn't it?" We both share a laugh before I wrap my arm around her and hug her close. "I didn't think I would want to be involved again either. But just because I didn't want to, doesn't mean I can escape it. At the end of the day, even as much as I didn't want to be involved, I am a public figure. I have people who support me and I will probably always be a renowned person in Chicago. I am in a position where I can do good things, help many people. I decided I want to use my power to help people in any way that I can. So I think politics and everything that comes with it, is a trade-off. I believe I am finally making my peace with using politics to do good."
"I see. Well, as long as this feels right for you, then I am ok with it."
"Yes, I am okay with this. I promise," I say with a wink. "Also it's not only politics, but starting my new firm has been the first thing in a long time that has felt right. What I am doing now, helping those who can't help themselves really feels right in my heart. "
"I can tell. It seems to really be going well. I had learned so much helping you this year as your secretary."
"You were great!"
"Good enough to be hired full time just in case I fail at this college thing?" she jokes.
"HA-HA. Very funny. And yes, you were good enough. That is why you have to go to college, get a degree and be super successful…maybe have your own firm someday."
"I hope so," she says with a huge smile spread across her face. But as quickly as that excitement came, did it leave. Her smile fades as she is reminded of how we got on this topic in the first place.
"But mom, what about your marriage? How long do you and dad plan to keep pretending? There is always going to be another campaign just around the corner. Is there ever an end game to this pretending?"
I stare at my little girl who isn't so little anymore. She has gotten so big, so vocal and so smart. I take my hand and cover hers.
"I know this is confusing sweetheart. Things are so complicated with your dad right now. We've spent so many years of our lives being together and supporting each other that it's hard to let go, you know? I know it looks like we are pretending because we don't live together, but sometimes our bound extends beyond sharing the same roof. But you are right. Your dad and I need to find a solution to our situation."
She nods at me and hesitates before speaking. "I just want you to do it because you want to, not out of obligation. Do you even love dad anymore?"
My heart feels as if it momentarily stopped from hearing that dreaded question, which my heart has been fighting for years now. What kind of love? That word feels so distant to me now. What exactly does it even mean anymore?
"I loved your father for a very long time and it just doesn't disappear. But so much has happened and changed for us, that my feelings are…murky and very hard to pinpoint. It's hard for me to say that is love because sometimes I am just not sure. I do care about him and I probably always will because he was my first love and is a great father to you two."
"So does that mean you both might still have a shot at it?"
"I am not sure honestly. Maybe. Would you like that?"
"I would like whatever makes you happy, mom. It's not really about me and Zach anymore. It's about you and what is going to make you happy when you wake up every morning. I just want to make sure you are thinking of this."
"I am. I really don't want you to worry about me though. I want you to know that right now, I am pretty content with how things have been going so far. But I will take into consideration your thoughts."
"Good." She smiles at me.
"So, how about we take all the focus off of me and talk about you missy for a change. How are you feeling about college?"
"Good. I am super excited, but scared a bit. I feel that it's natural. It feels like another chapter of my life is starting."
"It is, and it's going to be wonderful. Is ok to be scared a little because is new and exciting but I have so much confidence you will adapt in quickly." I smile and embrace her in a tight hug. When I pull away, I meet her eyes in all seriousness. "I want you to be careful though. I won't tell you not to drink and do drugs because you need to be able to make your own decisions."
"Mom …" She whines and interrupts, "You know I am not into any of that stuff."
"I know but it is still college. It's a time for experimenting. Everything in moderation if you are going to drink or smoke, even if I would prefer you didn't. Bottom line is I want you to just be safe and aware of your surroundings at all times. Okay?"
"Okay. I promise."
"Good. Thank you. Now on to boys." She breaks our gaze in the blink of an eye and I can tell she is embarrassed and uncomfortable. But I can't make the same mistake I made before when we first had this conversation. I need to talk to her like a woman; a woman who is leaving the safety of my wings and will be making her own decisions.
"Do you want me to get you some…protection?"
"Oh god, mom!" She rises from the seat and folds her arms across her chest and begins to pace. I stare at her a moment, realizing that she gets that from Peter. "Please, let's not," she begs.
"Look. Grace, I know this is uncomfortable. But this would give me peace of mind and allow me to sleep easy every night. So let's get straight to the point. Do you want to get on the pill just to be safe?"
"Mom, I don't need it right now. I don't plan on having sex until I am sure that I want to. If you want to get me protection just to feel better, we can. But there are always places on campus I can find this. As for the pill, I don't think is necessary right now. Okay?"
"Ok." I nod slowly. "And you know that you can always come to me if anything happens, right? I am not going to judge you, and I don't want you to go through anything alone. I don't want a repeat of the Zach and Nisa situation. I wouldn't want you to go through something like that alone."
She nods slowly and brings her pacing to a stop. "I promise. You will be the first person I'll call. But mom, I actually haven't said this to anyone out loud, but…I have been thinking a lot about this and I am considering waiting until marriage before I have sex."
"Oh." I am all but surprised at her admission. The relief washing over me makes me want to jump with joy. "I had no idea you felt this way. Is this because you are a Christian?"
"Yes. At least I want to try to wait. Who knows how I am going to feel a year or two from now. But for now, I want to cherish this."
"That's a wonderful and brave decision. I will support you with whatever you feel is right in your heart."
"Thank you." She smiles widely and comes back to sit next to me. "When did you first have sex mom?"
The question caught me by surprise. I have never shared this with my kids. Ever. And I am a little hesitant to speak of this, but I want to be as open with her as possible. After all, she isn't a little girl anymore.
"Why do you want to know?"
"Just curious." She continued to smile widely.
"Hmm." I think for a moment, there is no reason to not share especially if I want to keep the lines of communication open. "I was a sophomore in college and the guy I was seeing was my first college boyfriend. He was nice and smart, but was more of…young love. Just infatuation. It would have never worked out in the long run."
"Why not?"
"We were young and didn't have the same priorities. After college, we went our own ways. He went to Wall Street and I went to law school."
"And then you met dad?"
"Yes." I nod, "And the rest is history."
"When did you know Dad was the one?"
I sigh deeply as the memories come rushing back. I close my eyes briefly as I remember that day like it was yesterday. How I got the call my dad had a heart attack and how I panicked so badly that I didn't know how I was going to get back home to be by his side. But Peter was there. He booked our flights, emailed my professors, and had us on the next flight out to Chicago.
"It was the time your grandfather had his first heart attack. Your dad was the only person there for me. Owen was at school; Grandma was nowhere to be reached for hours. Your dad booked our flights without me asking and came with me. He dropped everything and stayed at the hospital with your grandpa and me for three days. He never left my side. That is when I knew he was my best friend and was going to be a great husband and father someday."
"Aww, mom. I am so glad dad was there for you. I love hearing you talk about grandpa and it makes me sad I don't remember him."
"Well, you were still a baby when he passed. He loved you and Zach very much. I am so happy he got to meet both of his grandchildren before his death. He was a great man and a great father. I loved him so very much."
"I know you did. Can you tell more about grandpa?"
"He was the best man I ever knew. You are very similar to him in many ways. He was hardworking, loyal, traditional, and very kind. I was his little girl and he was my go to person. He was always there for me during the hard times and the good times. And he loved holding you." I swallow the lump building in my throat. "After you were born, he would come over every day for like three weeks straight at 3:00 p.m. to simply hold you. He would feed and rock you to sleep. It was like he knew that was the time of the day I needed some rest too." I smiled, feeling myself getting lost in the memory. "Don't tell Zach, but if he were still alive, I bet you would have been his favorite"
She laughed. "Ok, I won't. I really wished I could have met him."
"Me, too. I would have loved to witness that."
"Thanks for sharing that with me," she tells me as she embraces me in a tight hug
"Of course. So why the question about "the one"?" I ask once we pull back. "Do you have someone in mind? Is this about Connor?"
The blush creeping into her cheeks followed by a nod surprises me for a second time. "Yes and no.I don't know. We are going to different colleges and I'm not sure if we will even stay together. And I guess it's not only about Connor. I just always wondered when I find the right person, how will I know."
"You will know." I tell her as I nod. "You will know because the feeling is so incredibly overwhelming you won't be able to even think of anything else."
"Is that the feeling you had with dad?"
"Yes." When I met Peter, he made me feel so alive, so loved, and so special. I had never felt that way around anyone before. It was as if I was the most important person in the world to him. "And don't worry if you and Connor are meant to be, it will work out somehow."
"Thanks, mom" she says me as she cups my hand with hers. The tears teeter on the brim of my eyes and I fight them back with every fiber of my being. It suddenly hits me that I will no longer see her every day and that I won't be able to pop into her room for conversations like this.
"I am going to miss you so much Grace," I whisper, my voice practically cracking with every uttered syllable.
"I am going to miss you, too. But mom, don't worry. We will Skype or FaceTime all the time. I will show you how to do it. Also, I already have my Thanksgiving and Christmas tickets bought, so I will be here."
"Yes, I know." I swallow my tears because this isn't about me.
"And mom. Guess what. I just had a great idea."
I inhale a shaky breath. "What's that?"
"I refuse to watch Darkness At Noon without you. So, how about we make it our tradition that every Sunday at 9 p.m., we will Skype and watch it together? How does that sound?"
"It sounds perfect! I love the idea."
"Good." She wraps her arms around my neck and hugs me tightly. It's then that the tears finally escape my eyes and I hug my baby back just as fiercely.
"I love you, mom."
"I love you too, honey."