AN: The lyrics are from "Pittsburgh" by The Amity Affliction. I highly recommend the song, it's great. Lyrics are italic. I do not own any of the music in this fic. All rights are to The Amity Affliction and the company they're labeled under. This is my second fanfiction but the first one I actually put time into so Please Review
It's five am Thursday morning. The weather is near perfect, with a slight breeze and very few clouds. Sam is wearing old jeans and an plain t shirt along with the leather jacket the team got him for his birthday last year. He's just sitting there, on the rarely used bridge overpass, enjoying the picturesque skyline. The sky is various shades of blue, purple, orange and red. All the different hues blend together perfectly and look brilliant in their combination. Sam has a perfect view. The bridge is old and worn down, there are basically no railings. The only border from the road to the river below is an old guard rail that's a few feet off the ground. Sam sits with his legs hanging off the edge of the bridge, a bag next to him. He's resting his arms off the railing as he watches the sunrise.
Admittedly the view could be better, hills in the horizon instead of highways, roads and buildings, but it's the best thing Sam's seen for a while. Hostage situations. The dying. The desperate. People begging for life. People who want to kill themselves. The job takes more than it's fair share of people's souls. It all sticks with you, everything you hear and everything you see. Sam thinks of his job at the SRU as a sort of sandpaper. The sandpaper grinds away at your soul, your core. You would think, over time, it would become dull and have less of an effect, well it doesn't. If you're alone you're soul is eventually reduced to dust. All you've seen gets to you and you walk around feeling lost, like a giant holes in your chest. Sometimes you can push it back and live life even though you feel it looming over you all the time, waiting to strike you down at your weakest moment. Other times you can't.
The blonde SRU agent is watching the sunrise without a smile. It's now 5:20am and the sun is almost full set in the sky. Instead of a smile being on his face, Sam has an impeccable mask in it's place. He knows he's running out of time so he takes his head off his arms for the first time and shifts his gaze to his bag. Removing his arms from around the guard rail, he opens the bag and pulls out a notebook and pen.
He scoots back from the edge to sit with his legs folded under him. Opening the notebook, Sam takes one last look at the horizon then begins to write.
I'm done. I'm tired of feeling this way, knowing I don't deserve to be here. For a while I was in denial. I thought working as SRU would help me atone for all I've done, everyone I've killed. I was wrong.
Nothing will make what I'm about to do okay but maybe you'll understand after reading this. I don't deserve any of this, not my status or metals, not my wealth and definitely not my friends.
I know what you're going to say and what you think. I'm not doing this just because of Matt. I won't lie, that's a major part of it but I've killed more than you all combined. I'm just so tired of feeling alone. Everyday I wake up after nightmare plagued sleep just wishing it would all stop. Even when I'm feeling okay, the soul crushing depression is just waiting for me, lurking in the shadows of my mind. Trust me, there are a lot of shadows. Sometimes it's so dark in there I get lost.
I've been searching for an exit but I'm lost inside my head;
Where I spend every waking moment wishing this would end.
I can't take another step, I cannot live inside my mind,
I can't face another day, I am so fucking tired.
For I am lost right now as the ocean deep,
I am low my friend and how my heart does sink.
Yeah I am lost right now as the ocean deep,
I am low my friend and how my heart does sink.
I'm sorry I have to do this because I know how you'll react. Don't blame yourselves.
Sarge and Wordy:There's nothing you could have said. I've made up my mind, it's over now. Thank you for listening when I wanted to talk
Jules:You're the closest to my younger sister's replacement anyone has ever gotten. Don't beat yourself up about this. You didn't see because I didn't want you to.
Ed:There's nothing you could have done. You've already done so much, been more of a father to me than the General in the short time I knew you. Spike:You almost make we want to not do this. I know how much Lew broke you up and don't want you to have to go through that again but this is something I need to do. Thanks for just being a friend.
Goodbye
SAMUEL W. BRADDOCK
Sam glances at his watch again, wondering how much time had gone by. A brief look of shock flashes across his face. It's now 5:40am. He knows the team will be looking for him soon because they usually meet at work around 5:30am,and he's never late. Placing the notebook down, while it's still open, he puts his jacket on the ground next to his bag. He wants them to at least have the jacket as something to remember him by later.
Sam sighs and runs his hand through his hair. It's now or never. Slowly, he swings his legs over the guard rail and hangs on to it with his hands. He takes a deep breath, staring at the sky for the last time, then he jumps.
The water is much colder than the air. The blonde SRU agent hits the water like a rock and immediately begins sinking. Glancing around under water, he sees that even the river is beautiful. The different hues of blue being reflected by the light, the air bubbles, and random seaweed; yes this is a good way to go. Sam knows he can hold his breathe for a least a minute, which will prologue this some, but he also knows he can't even remotely swim.
Before Sam can take his first water filled breath, he sees something out of the corner of his eye. The blonde young man turns quickly to see what it was only to gasp in shock. Standing there, in the water, was none other than his younger sister and Matt. Obviously, he knows this is a hallucination of some sort, but he's no were near dead enough yet to see ghost. Right?
By now the lack of oxygen starts to make his lungs ache for air. Sam ignores it, it's what he was waiting for anyway. Instead he focuses on the looks on the "ghosts" faces. He expects to see joy or at least some happiness, he's joining them after all, but all he was met with was sorrow and maybe a little regret. Sam tilts his head in confusion. What do they want him to do? He knows he doesn't belong and can't make up for what he's done. Is this too easy of a way to go?
The blonde SRU agent shuts his eyes in frustration. His lungs are defiantly burning now, begging for air and it's only a matter of time before his body takes an involuntary gulp of water. Suddenly, Sam opens his eyes and takes in the new imaginary spectators of his suicide. Around him stands the other members of the SRU, all looking upset and disappointed. Seeing their faces, and looking at his sister and Matt again, are all he needs to understand. No matter what he's done or how dark it gets in his head, they care about him. They're his family, alive and dead. Sam knows he needs to try continue on for them. It'll be hard but they will help him.
I've been searching for an exit but I'm lost inside my head;
Where I spend every waking moment, wishing I was dead.
I'll take another step for you -
I'll shed my tears until I drown, or until I am underground.
I'll take another breath for you...
Will you still be there when I'm home, out from the great unknown?
Sam struggles to breathe and tries to hold out until he reaches the surface. Knowing he's taken in too much water already, he fights as had as he can to live. The blonde young man vaguely remembers Wordy trying to teach him how to swim. He recalls that moving his arms and legs are the main point, obviously, but not much else. Praying, for the first time in a while, that he'll make it, Sam tries his best. The SRU agent's movements are uncoordinated at best but do some of the job. Finally, he breaks the surface and not without much effort on his part. The river's current has already pushed Sam several feet past where he jumped and is making treading water extremely difficult. He isn't giving up. With renewed vigor, Sam struggles with everything he has left. His head goes under the water many times, it seems like Sam will lose this fight but his prayer is answered. As the river curves, before extending into the ocean, the current pushes Sam against rocks but also against land. Sam washes up on the embankment with one final push of the water.
Anyone passing by will assume he's dead. The young man's body is laying on the ground competently still, no signs of life. The waves lap up at his feet and the sun stands proudly where it decided to rest. That's the problem with heartache and depression, no matter how bad it is the world continues on uninterrupted. Luckily, Sam is meant to continue on with it today.
Suddenly, Sam rolls on his side and beings coughing. He manages to cough up a few cups of water while clutching at he ground in pain. Sam turns back over, to lay on his back, after coughing up majority of the water. He smiles softly at the sky, soaked and exhausted, but somewhat glad to be alive. There is no moment of clarity. Just because made the decision to live now doesn't mean it's over. Far from it in fact. Sam's still depressed, there's still an ache, it's just different somehow. Maybe because he's determined to get better and will have help. All Sam really knows at this point is it that, for the first time in a while, he passes out with a smile on his face.
AN: If you're interested my first story is a Numb3rs fanfiction about someone stalking Charlie (I must warn you, it isn't written as well as this one, which isn't too good in the first place).