The right corner of Sara's mouth twitched into a bastardization of a smirk. She could feel her right eye twitch and had to fight, with every ounce of her self-control, to not let her smirk turn into a sneer. Tegan sat across the room, her arm snugly wrapped around Lindsey. The beige couch they sat on looked too big in Tegan's tiny presence. And it definitely looked big enough for Lindsey to move over about fifteen feet. Or maybe about three countries. Tegan's sweet laughter filled Sara's ears; it was easy to drown in something so intoxicating. Sara got more drunk on Tegan's laughter than any scotch she had ever let pass her lips. The elder twin's eyes flashed to Sara but immediately moved to the floor. Sara could feel the near hatred brimming her irises, the green monster within her threatening to burst through her chest and ruin such a peaceful and fun moment.
Yes, fun, so much FUN.
Sara fought to maintain her not-snarl as dark thoughts clouded her head and consumed her whole. It would all be worth it eventually, of course. Lindsey couldn't stay forever. She'd have to run off and do her own job just as Tegan and Sara had to do theirs. Yet the near claustrophobic feeling in Sara's chest wasn't easily pushed to the side; her chest coiled tighter with every breath she drew. It didn't always help knowing that she was the one on Tegan's mind before she went to sleep. It rarely helped knowing that Tegan was stuck with her all day; mostly because it was impossible for the two to escape each other. The magnetic pull between them was far too strong to ignore. Sara's brooding was interrupted by the sight of Lindsey's fingers tracing patterns over Tegan's knee.
SO. MUCH. FUN. YES. HAVING A SUPER GREAT TIME.
Sara felt her brow furrow into a glare, one which she quickly wiped off her face behind the safety of her hand. This was all part of the unspoken agreement between them, after all. It was taboo and sick and twisted. It was an unspoken secret that only they could indulge. It was cheating, when it was really boiled down to the bare essence. But it was RIGHT. It was everything the twins wanted. It was the love they gave, and received, from each other that kept them going. It was the sly looks when they thought no one else would notice. It was the ever-so-slight brushing of their skin under the guise of silliness to appease the fans. It was the very essence of Tegan that had Sara completely in love with her. It was the very thing that put a wide smile on Sara's face, and completely shattered her heart every lonely, tour-bus-sleeping night. It was the exact thing that disallowed Sara to look Stacey in the eye when she knew all she wanted was Tegan. It was why Sara was usually quiet during sex; to avoid screaming the wrong name, to avoid the disappointment that Stacy wasn't and would never be Tegan.
There's nothing love can't do. Including completely suffocating you with someone you can't actually have.
It was hard, of course, picking up the pieces of your heart that break off every morning and crudely stitching them back on. It was hard going to interviews, conversing with fans, being up on stage with the one person you can't live without. It was harder yet being with that person every moment of the day and feeling your body ache for just one touch. Your mouth salivating when they get within three feet of you. And it was near impossible to sit mere feet away, watching the person you've given more of yourself to than anyone else, play boyfriend to some girl who was undeserving. Some girl that could never fix a heart the way you could. Some girl whose kisses could never be as sweet nor her cuddles quite as warm. Some girl who got lucky enough to weasel her way into a situation she didn't belong in. A girl who didn't have to lay in bed and question every word that was spoken, straining for any sort of validation. Desperate for the knowledge that your literal other half won't just up and leave someday.
Tegan looked up again and studied her twin for a millisecond before slinking her gaze away. Sara let out a small sigh. Lindsey was in the middle of some story that she didn't care about. In a perfect world, Sara would be the one wrapped in Tegan's perfect arms, telling some stupid story that no one actually wanted to hear. Sara would be the one inhaling her sister's scent, being enamored and inebriated on her very presence.
Sara's hazel eyes were a deep green, they had to be with the hatred oozing out of her. It wasn't that she hated Lindsey herself, it's that Sara hated where she was. She hated the stupid looks she gave Tegan from just off stage. She hated that she was the one curled into Tegan's embrace. And, most of all, she hated how acceptable it was.
In a perfect world, Sara wouldn't need Stacy to fight off the bitter loneliness of being without Tegan. In a perfect world, Tegan could, and would, abandon Lindsey and be content with her sister and her alone. In a perfect world, love would actually heal all wounds and Sara wouldn't have to pretend she didn't cry herself to sleep most every night; her knees hugged tightly to her chest in an attempt to unbreak broken. In a perfect world, Sara would have no need to be jealous. But it wasn't a perfect world. It was flawed on it's very basis.
Sara smirked again and silently got up, making eye contact with her twin. Tegan's eyes pleaded for forgiveness, for her to stay. Sara shifted her gaze and walked out of the room, tears threatening to flood down her cheeks. It was impossible to actively want to share Tegan. It was more impossible to pretend that she did.
Warm air caressed Sara's face as she exited the building. On the horizon the sun was setting, shades of orange and yellow painting masterpieces over head. Sara heaved a sigh and plopped down on the dirty slab of concrete, stretching her legs out and lacing her fingers together in her lap. She closed her eyes and let her emotions take over. She was taken to the first time she felt Tegan's lips on hers. It was the perfect summer night. They were young and stupid and careless and stoned but it was perfect. Her heart skipped the same three beats it did back then, almost as if she could taste Tegan at that moment. She was flooded with fear and confusion, but it was confusing because it felt so right. It was scary because it wasn't scary at all. Sara was safe with Tegan. She trusted her older sister fully and completely, and that it didn't scare her might be what scared her most of all.
Sara's eyes jerked open at the sound of the heavy metal door being pushed open behind her. The reality of the moment took away her safety and confidence; her jealousy and insecurities hit her with the force of a freight train. Sara didn't bother to turn around. It didn't matter who it was that opened the door and stood meekly behind her, though she knew even before she felt Tegan's hand slip gently into her own. Quietly, the twins watched the orange sky turn to a deep shade of blue, stars beginning to poke their holes through the canopy.
It was moments like this where Sara felt a bit silly letting her emotions get to her. It was Sara who was wrapped in Tegan's arms when it mattered most. It was Sara that Tegan always chased after when the shorter twin threw a tantrum and stormed out. It was Sara who gave Tegan reason. And it was so easy to see when Tegan's arms weren't wrapped around Lindsey. The younger twin just wished she could believe it no matter what, that she could contain her jealousy, that she could just let Tegan heal her wounds and let it be easy.
It would never be easy, but the Quins were never exactly known to give up without a fight.
Tegan turned to Sara, her eyes gentle and cautious, and offered a smirk. It was easy to remain apathetic most times, but Tegan's eyes focused on her sister made it hard to fight the grin creeping into her lips. Tegan's smirk grew larger, into Sara's favorite gummy smile. Tegan traced patterns on the back of Sara's hand, her eyes hungry for a taste of her younger sister's lips. Wordlessly, Sara shifted and pulled Tegan into an innocent enough embrace, quickly brushing her lips against Tegan's neck. It was enough for now, to have the contact between them. It was the salad before the main course of having Tegan behind closed doors where no one could see or judge. Where they could become one, become comfortable. Where everything could be right.
Sara's paranoia, her jealousy and hurt, dripped off of her and floated away into the atmosphere. Maybe love created the wounds. But Tegan healed them. And there's nothing that Tegan couldn't do.