It took all my strength to pull away from that kiss. I was flying, in the metaphorical sense of the word. Months away from Bella had turned my control into clay, which she was molding in those tiny hands of hers. I rested my head against her chest, feeling the frantic beat of her heart against my ear. Just a day or so ago, I had honestly believed that I would never hear that soothing sound again. I bit the inside of my lip to prevent the sob from escaping.
"Bella, you are my life." I could feel the bed shaking when she shook her head, the delicate hand that was on the bed clenched tightly into a fist, her knuckles turning white. I rose up so I was leaning on my elbow, looking down at her face. She was staring furiously at the wall.
"Look at me," I pleaded. Even though she was in my arms, she felt miles away. I couldn't bear it.
"Bella… please…" I choked out, overwhelmed by emotion.
I wasn't used to her denying me anything. She had spoiled me, granting my every wish without the slightest bit of annoyance. I wanted desperately for her to look at me, but this is something that she obviously didn't want to or was unable to do.
Her heart was starting to slow, nearing an almost normal pace. I pressed my forehead next to hers, in an attempt to bring her back. I shook with the fear of losing her.
"Edward…" I quickly moved back to look at her eyes. They had a determined glint to them, something I found frightening and rightly so.
"I think you should go," she said, emotionless.
Agony. I recognized the tone I used that afternoon in forest. I wasn't going to let her do this.
"Bella…"
"I need to think about what I am going to say to Charlie."
I kissed her forehead softly, hoping that I was wrong about her decision. I wasn't going to let this be the last time I could hold her.
"I can help you there."
"Your presence is too much of a distraction."
Bella's love had always felt like a physical presence to me, warming me and making feel human, wrapping itself around me like a blanket. Right now, I felt cold as if someone had flung the blanket from me.
"Fine, I'll go. I love you." My eyes shut tightly as I kissed her cheek, "I won't be far. If you need me, just call. My number is still the same."
The first thing I would do when I got home was to reactivate my cell phone. I had a ton of spare phones lying around my closet. They weren't great but they'd make do for now. I'd have to go buy a new one whenever things returned to normal… on a second thought; I'll just get Alice to buy me one. I really don't want to have to leave Bella for anything and something tells me that she will not want to do any shopping for fear that I might spend money on her. If it were up to me, she'd me showered in finery.
I climbed out of the window, feeling my heart tighten with despair. I didn't know what to do. Out of all the people who could possess my heart and all the meaning for my existence, it had to be the one whose mind was completely silent to me. Most days I am grateful for the quiet but others, like today, I didn't appreciate it. I both desperately needed to know and feared what was going through that mysterious mind of hers.
I got as far as the driveway before the separation anxiety started to kick in. Being without her for the past 6 months had been torture and now just the thought of being just a couple miles away from her was nearly impossible. I glanced at the all-too-familiar tree on her front yard that provided a too convenient view into her room. I could watch her undetected from there.
I made two steps towards the tree trunk before a quiet yet harsh beeping noise started sounding from my pocket. I had completely forgotten that Alice had given me her phone with strict orders to keep in turned on, because she would be watching to make sure I didn't ruin things worse than they already are.
Flipping it open, there was a text message from Jasper's number.
EDWARD, DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
I rolled my eyes. Alice was quick.
DO NOT ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME. COME HOME NOW.
Sighing, I ran home before I could think about it. Minutes later, I was standing in the clearing in front of our home. Their long missed thoughts added to the lump in my throat despite the fact that some weren't exactly pleasant.
Emoward is home finally. I should kill him for scaring Esme as badly as he did. Emmett.
I could kill you for putting the reason of MY existence in danger. You must have known that she would go after you… she loves you and unfortunately so do I. You are really going to have to work hard to make up for this. Ah… yes… Jasper.
Edward… please don't leave again for so long. I couldn't bear it. Sweet, loving Esme.
You better not leave Bella again… or I will change her so she can hunt you down. Alice.
I looked for the last mind only to see my face and I focused back into the present. Rosalie was standing in front of me, looking concerned and repentant. I hate to admit it but a large percent of the anger I felt towards her fade away. Rose may be a selfish, conceited brat but she does have a heart and a conscience. She's fierce when it comes to protecting those she loves. I really don't think she ever fully comprehended that Bella is to me what Emmett is to her. The whole Italy fiasco would change her mindset when it comes to Bella and me.
Edward, please forgive me. You're my brother and I need you.
I could see that if it were possible for her to cry, she would be. Sighing, I walked over and threw my arm over her shoulders and proceeded to the house. Rose put her arm around my waist, in an attempt to comfort me.
Just so you know, I'll have your neck if you tell ANYONE I said that.
I snorted. Laughing was impossible given the circumstances.
Esme was waiting at the front door for us. She kissed Rosalie on the cheek before stepping on her toes to kiss me. The action just made me ache for Bella more.
"I'm sorry, Mom." Esme was my mother for all intensive purposes. She brought with her through the change, the ability to love passionately… and passionately, she did.
Behind Esme, stood my father. It occurred to me then, that he had been blocking his thoughts the entire time. My leaving had affected him more so than the others. I was his first companion and first child.
Carlisle is and forever will be everything I am not. His compassionate and understanding nature enables him to see the good in everyone… including a monster like me. He is the personification of good.
He gazed quietly at me and I was reminded of another reunion many a decade a go.
We had lived quietly in a house surrounded by forest. Esme had just been changed and I was happy for Carlisle and his joy. There was only one thing wrong: I had grown bored of his lifestyle and taking care of a newborn.
Animal blood grew stale for my taste buds and I yearned for something better… something more delicious. One day, I announced to my parents that I was going to go off on my own for an undecided period of time. Carlisle blamed himself for my leaving, believing that he had been neglecting me while worrying about his wife. I assured him that I just wanted to experience another way of life in order to broaden my horizons, so to speak.
So I left and I was gone a good 10-15 years before something snapped. I had been feeding off of sociopaths and criminals trying to ease my conscience with regards to taking human lives. Even doing that, took a toll on my mental state and I broke down while killing a man who refused to close his eyes. Watching the life drain from his eyes was the last straw. That night I took off homeward bound.
I ran faster than I had ever run before then. I needed to be comforted and reassured. I missed Esme and I missed Carlisle. I missed the unconditional love that radiated from both of them.
Two short days later, I found myself covered in mud and standing on the drive. I was home and yet I could not hear any thoughts coming from the house. Despair choked me. Their scents were fresh but perhaps they had only recently grown tired of waiting for me to return.
"Carlisle! Esme!" I yelled running up the porch and throwing the big oak door out of the way. I searched the empty room of the house in vain, ending up in Carlisle's office.
There I sat on the antique rug for hours frozen in fear and loneliness. Mud was everywhere, thanks to yours truly. I fell apart, as sob after sob shook me. I was so overcome by my emotions that I didn't hear them calling for me.
"Edward!"
"Carlisle, look, there's a trail of mud."
I rose just in time to fling my arms around both of them, chanting, "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry," repeatedly.
Carlisle hugged me tightly.
"It's alright. You're home now."
His voice brought me back to the present. He was angry.
"Never ever do anything that life changing without calling me first. So help me, Edward, I will ground you for the next century if you ever decide to pull something like this again."
I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to laugh or cry.
"I'm sorry, Dad." I bowed my head in shame.
"I'm not finished yet. This stunt you pulled put the lives of 2 of my other children in danger. If either Alice or Isabella were hurt…"
He didn't need to finish that sentence.
"It will never happen again, Carlisle."
"It fucking better not happen again, Edward."
Holy shit… the man swore. Emmett.
You should have heard the blast I got. Rosalie.
You are lucky I'm not allowed to step in… Jasper.
Sorry for not warning you in advance. Alice
Esme looked mortified. Her husband never swore. In fact, he reprimanded the rest of us for swearing, saying that we all had a much better vocabulary and that we should use them.
"Do you have any idea what your disappearance did to your mother and me?" His bright caramel colored eyes flashed.
"Carlisle, please…" Esme begged. She hated when we yelled.
With one look down at her face, Carlisle calmed down. He tucked her under his arm and kissed her forehead.
"Go get cleaned up," he ordered, taking in my disheveled appearance. Releasing Esme, he walked out on to the back porch.
Just go and do what he says, Edward. He's had quite the scare. Esme will handle it. Alice's thoughts calmed my fears and I sprinted upstairs to the computer room. Logging onto the computer, I quickly reactivated my phone.
I ran into my room, quickly undressed and jumped into a hot shower. I had no idea how I was going to fix my relationship but I prayed that she'd give me the chance and call.
With my phone on the bathroom counter, I stood in the shower until the water had run cold. Grabbing a towel from the shelf, I walked out into my room where I noticed a pile of clothing courtesy of Alice.
I crashed on my couch, phone in hand and waited. Suddenly, there was a soft knocking on my door.
"Edward, can I come in?"
"Wow, Alice? Actually asking for once? How shocking!" I said sarcastically, knowing that I was not going to like what she was going to tell me.
"I thought I'd be polite for once."
"Fine, come in." I sat up and readied myself for the salt that was about to be poured.
Alice walked –no dancing today, for that I was grateful- over to the couch and sat down facing me.
"She isn't going to call you."
Her latest vision washed over me.
Bella was running around the house, unhooking all the phones and turning off the phone Alice had given her. She removed the key from its hiding spot outside. She made sure the windows were shut tightly, as well as the back door.
Agony. I won't believe it. My Bella wouldn't be this cruel to me.
I stood up, fully intending to run over there but was stopped by a tiny grasp of iron on my wrist.
"It doesn't end well," she said simply.
I am shaking with sobs in the forest, somewhere near Bella's home. Jasper is there trying to reason with me.
"Fine; tell me, Alice, what am I possibly to do now?" I started pacing in front of the couch, pulling at my hair.
"Wait until she approaches you. Don't try to contact her. She's angry and upset with you and chances are all you will do by contacting her is feed the fire."
"Just great… just fucking great…" I growled.
"Edward!" Carlisle warned from somewhere downstairs.
"Forgive me, Alice." I smiled weakly down at her.
I collapsed back on the couch.
"So I guess this means that I can't give her a ride to school on Monday," I said softly.
Alice hugged me tightly because there was nothing she could do to fix things.