Finn was excited. Today was his tenth birthday, and that meant that it was time to visit Professor Rosseforp and choose his first pokémon. He'd dreamt of this day since the night before, due to his attention span not allowing to plan anything too far in advance. Equally he wasn't quite sure if it was just a coincidence that he was choosing his pokémon on the actual day of his birthday, or if everyone picked one on their birthday. The town planning on only having three children born on any one day seemed too incredible to be true.
"Come downstairs at once!" shouted his mother from downstairs, obviously. "I need you to run an errand for me before you visit the Professor!"
"Bollocks", muttered Finn, as he put 50p into the swear jar his father had got him before he'd gone on his own pokémon journey. Nobody ever asked how Finn's father had managed to impregnate a woman when he himself was just ten, but it wasn't something the town talked about, at least, not in front of him. The special episode of Jeremy Kyle, where his father's Rampardos had head-butted Jeremy after he had shouted "Why didn't you put something on the end of it?" once too often was enough gossip for Finn to know about. Besides, his short attention span meant he hadn't listened to the story past that part.
Pulling on his clothes he knew he wouldn't be changing until the season ended, Finn ran downstairs to his mother, his bright green mohawk brushing past his mothers face, and sat himself down at the table to eat his breakfast. He knew breakfast was the most important meal of the day, because he'd seen it said many times on the internet, and if it's on the internet it must be true. Pulling out the Pokétch he'd found in his mothers wardrobe whilst looking for birthday presents, he quickly updated his facebook – 'Finn is getting his first pokémon today LOL :)'. His mother looked at him, in a mixture of happiness, awe and shock,
"What on earth have you done to your hair!" she screamed, her eyes wide. Finn protested that every character in the anime world was required to have a ridiculously exaggerated hairstyle, but his pleas fell on deaf ears, for his mother had lost her hearing in a boating accident on Lake Verity just a week before. Grabbing a razor that his mother usually used to shave the Tauros, she quickly made mincemeat of his hair. 'Great' Finn thought to himself, 'now I look like a bloody skinhead... at least I won't be eating any of that mincemeat though'.
Placing a cap on his mangled hair, his mother pressed a small parcel into his hand, it was labelled 'fragile' and addressed to Pelennor City Gym, home of Grass-type master Minas. Shaking the parcel to see what was inside, he looked up at his mother, and asked her why he had to walk all the way to Pelennor City when he would be heading there for his first gym battle anyway.
"Pardon?" said his mother.
After needing to put another 50p in the swear jar, Finn repeated his question and adjusted his cap so the peak faced slightly to one side, like the cool kids had it.
"Don't be silly", said his mother after finally managing to work out what Finn was saying, "you can just post it like everybody else does, this isn't the 60's you know!"
Grabbing his coat, Finn walked to the door, the parcel tucked under his arm. Picking up his bag that held all sorts of items that would be useful on his journey to being a pokémon master he felt a great surge of pride, or fear and of excitement.
"Next time you see me, mum," he said, "I'll be a pokémon champion"
"Pardon?" she replied.
Cursing his luck at having his farewell speech cut short, Finn walked along the road towards the Pokélab, where he would meet Professor Rosseforp and choose his starter pokémon. He toyed in his mind which pokémon he would choose, the grass-type Bulbasaur, the water-type Totodile or the fire-type Chimchar. The kids in his class at school had been talking up their favourite all year, but Finn had been too busy wondering if allowing children to wander off on their own before completing any level of formal education was really such a good idea.
When he eventually arrived at the lab, he saw the Professor waiting outside, his long white coat glowing in the sun.
"Welcome to the Pokélab my boy!" he said beaming. Placing his arm around Finn, he led him indoors. "My name is Professor Rosseforp, but everyone calls me Rosie" he said with a wink.
"Dude, that's gross, I'm, like, ten" replied Finn, getting completely the wrong end of the stick, as he often had in his short life.
Rosie took Finn to the middle of the Pokélab, and showed him three poké balls, each containing one of the famous starter pokémon.
"Choose wisely" Rosie said, "for the pokémon you choose could well end up to be your most powerful, your favourite and the one closest to you"
Finn's hand was trembling with excitement as he reached his arm forward, as the Professor and his lab crew waited with baited breath. This was the moment that Finn would change from a boy to a boy with a pokémon, the single biggest moment of his life so far.
"Eeny, meeny, miny, moe..."
Eventually Finn held a ball aloft, he had his first pokémon, even if he wasn't sure which one it was. This was it, this was the start of the greatest story ever told (aside from that film) and there was nothing that could stop him fulfilling his dream of following in the footsteps of all the great pokémon masters before him; Ash, Lance, Cynthia... soon his name would be amongst theirs, and not just for the purpose of the narrative of this story.
"Not so fast, little boy!" a harsh, snarly voice shouted from the doorway, where two figures stood silhouetted by the light outside.
"That... that voice! Oh no!" cried Rosie, grabbing the two remaining poké balls and stuffing them inside his pocket next to his fags. He was trying to quit, but it was times like this that being a Pokémon Professor was a highly stressful job. His technicians began to get hold of what valuables they could, and the pack of Houndour on guard started to growl. The lights suddenly cut, and the lab fell silent, as the voice spoke again.
"Prepare for trouble..."
"And make it double!"
Professor Rosseforp fumbled in his pocket and found his hand around a poké ball. Frustrated that he had spent the past thirty years of his life studying pokémon but never learning how to battle with them, he found his fags and lit one. For a moment the smell of nicotine made him feel a little more relaxed, until he realised he'd forgot to take it out of his pocket first. Luckily the flames bursting out his lab coat distracted the evil duo long enough for Finn to charge up to them.
"My name is Finn" he shouted, "and I'm going to be a pokémon master!"
"Shut it, twerp" replied one of the gruesome twosome, "you're a rookie and we've been battling since before you were born. Not in the same fight, obviously, in a number of different fights. But you don't stand a chance against us! Go, Duskull! Disable!"
Finn felt his body go stiff, and he slowly fell to the floor. Suddenly he realised the gravity of the situation*. This wasn't like on TV where people could be electrocuted or set on fire and be perfectly fine. There were two hardened criminals in the lab and one hardened Kakuna sitting on a branch outside. He was at the mercy of their whim, and he couldn't even use his pokémon to bail him out. As the duo stood over him he realised who they were. The infamous Team Rocket!
"To protect the world from devastation..."
"To unite all people's within our nation..."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love..."
"To extend our reach to the stars above..."
"Maggie.."
"Thatcher.."
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light..."
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
Finn wet himself slightly.
Team Rocket stepped over his now damp body and approached Rosie. Duskull floated across next to Maggie, awaiting the order to blast the professor to hell, as much as it's possible for a Duskull to do. Opening a bag Thatcher began to shove the professors paperwork in.
"Please, don't steal that! That's important research in trying to find out why peripheral people in our society only repeat the same phrase over and over again!"
"Oh, sorry" replied Thatcher, "I thought it might need recycling, after all, it's important to take care of our environment, and recycling means we don't have to cut down as many trees!"
"Shut it, twit!" said Maggie, "now is not the time for your 'let's go green' campaign."
Finn's head buzzed. Realising the Kakuna outside had evolved he waved it away. Realising he could wave it away he stood back up, placing his satchel over his groin to try and hide the wet patch. Seeing Team Rocket arguing about the merits or recycling Finn made a mental note to tell his mother to recycle, and reached down to his belt where he had put his new pokémon.
"Pokémon, I choose you!"
"Bulba-saur!"
Finn glared at Team Rocket, as Duskull turned to face him.
"Dusk!"
Duskull lashed out with a confuse ray, but Bulbasaur rolled to the side, dodging the attack. Realising that Finn was back up, Maggie started barking commands to her Duskull.
"Night Shade!"
Duskull fired black beams from its eyes, hitting Bulbasaur in the face.
"Bulbasaur, Tackle attack!" shouted Finn, finally realising he had to give vocal commands in order for Bulbasaur to know what to do. Bulbasaur ran towards Duskull, his head down, but ran right through it! Damn it, thought Finn, I forgot normal attacks don't effect ghost pokémon! Thinking fast he commanded Bulbasaur to dodge Duskull's Night Shade and rather conveniently he did. Finn was in a pickle. His Bulbasaur would only know basic attacks, nothing that could harm Maggie's Duskull! Finn was in a pickle. And had a dreadful sense of de ja vu.
Suddenly, and for little reason other than to advance the plot, a jet of water ripped through Duskull, sending it crashing back into the wall.
"Poliwag, hit it again with Water Gun!"
A girl burst in through the door, bouncing over Finn. He looked at her in awe, she was slim, dressed in a really short skirt that teasingly rode up her thighs when she walked and a figure-hugging, low cut top. Then he remembered he was ten, and that girls are disgusting. Then he remembered that she should also be ten, and that animators are perverts.
The Poliwag fired it's water gun using the never ending supply of water hidden in it's 2 foot tall body, hitting Duskull and knocking it out. Even though it's a ghost. Maggie and Thatcher glared at the newcomer. Thatcher grabbed a ball from his jacket and hurled it towards Poliwag.
"Go, Nidoran Female!" he shouted, having to clarify the sex due to the fact no image compliments these words. The Nidoran growled at Bulbasaur and Poliwag, which wasn't at all threatening. However Finn knew that it was now his time to shine!
"Bulbasaur, Tackle!"
Again Bulbasaur ran forward and thudded into Nidoran with a thud, but the Nidoran barely flinched. Poliwag stepped forward to take a shot, unleashing a stream of bubbles that would easily be popped by a child. Luckily one of the bubbles popped in Nidoran's eye, temporarily blinding it. Suddenly Maggie grabbed a strange looking machine from the Professors desk.
"We have what we came for, Duskull, return!"
"Stop them!" shouted Professor Rosseforp.
"Why should we? You've done fuck all." replied Finn, making a mental note to put 50p in his swear jar. But it was too late, Team Rocket threw a smoke bomb into the middle of the lab and by the time the smoke had cleared they had gone.
Finn sat on the floor next to his Bulbasaur. He wasn't sure if his first battle as a pokémon trainer had been a success or not, but Bulbasaur was still standing and Team Rocket had fled, but with what? Professor Rosseforp walked over to Finn, who was being helped off the floor by the mysterious and inappropriately sexy girl.
"Can I ask your help?" the Professor said, with a desperate look in his eye.
"Dude, that's gross, I'm, like, ten" replied the girl.
Professor Rosseforp explained that the gadget that Team Rocket had stolen was in fact a new device for catching pokémon without having to weaken them first, but tests had shown that it had the potential to be used to catch pokémon that already had trainers. In the wrong hands - the hands it was in right now unless they'd put it in a bag, or perhaps down on a rock while they rested - it could change the way Team Rocket worked forever. Any pokémon master sent to battle them could have his pokémon stolen.
Finn listened intently, with his only distraction being the nagging thought at the back of his head that this mission was too important and dangerous for two rookie trainers. Once Rosie had finished explaining, Finn agreed to seek out team rocket on his journey to becoming a pokémon master, and the new girl, introducing herself as Lolita, said she would join him.
So on that bright morning, his tenth birthday, Finn set out on his dangerous adventures accompanied by his new friend and two basic pokémon. Would he be able to beat Team Rocket? How would Bulbasaur fare against Minas? Why did this girl dress like a little slut? Would Finn remember to post the parcel his mother had given him? Find out the answers next time!
*Ha-ha, get it? Falling - gravity!