THIS SUCKED.
When me ma told me that I was staying with dad for a couple of weeks so that she could go to Spain with Martin, I was pissed off. She totally ruined my summer holiday.
Freddie was one of my best friends. His parents were like seriously rich. He invited a bunch of us from school for a week to his parent's holiday villa in Corca Dhuibhne, Kerry. That's its Irish name. You might know it as the Dingle Peninsula if you know it at all. His home was a mansion right next to the beach but it still had a massive swimming pool shaped like a big bean with a diving platform at one end. Sweet. Plus his parents weren't going to be there for three days so Siobhan was going to nick some vodka from her parent's house and if she couldn't then we were still sorted because my other best friend Aiden has a fake id. Anyway, the swimming pool, the alcohol, my friends and not having parents around weren't going to be the best bit of my holiday.
Aoife was.
She was my girlfriend, I guess. We had been in the school drama club together for a year even though I was in dara bliain, while she was in tríú bliain. That's the second and third years in plain English. We spoke properly for the first time, out of a drama club, three months ago which was why she said we had been dating that long. I knew we had been going out for only four weeks because that was when she told her best mate Siobhan and a few of her friends that I was her boyfriend in the canteen at lunch time in school, while holding my hand. Then she kissed me, like full on, with tongues and smiled at me. It felt brilliant. I wished Aiden had been there that day instead of skiving off. He would have been well jealous because he thought she liked him. Hah!
Anyway, now I wouldn't get a chance to hang out with her and maybe Aiden was going to try it on because I wouldn't be around.
It would seriously suck if she fell for his moves. I would be gutted.
And all because me ma wanted me to,
'Get to know your father, Dec. It has been a long time since ye had a proper heart to heart. He misses you and it will be nice to bond as father and son, yeah?'
Um. No. Not really, ma.
Don't get me wrong. I loved me pa. He was a right laugh and pretty cool. But-
Number one- Sometimes, even though obviously I loved dad, I felt like I didn't really know him; like properly. There were so many questions that I wanted to ask him to get to know him better but knew I couldn't. Questions like why he left ma, why didn't she speak to uncle Macca anymore, why did he argue with ma every time he came to visit when they thought me and Paraic were asleep.
I confronted them once. Never again. Dad got freakishly quiet and ma said, 'This is between your dad and me, Dec. When, if ever, your father is ready he can explain everything to you.' Dad looked like he was going to puke when she said that. 'There is nothing to explain.' I remember him saying.
Number two- Is related to number one. If dad decided to be all secretive and become quiet and distant I didn't have any friends where he lived to keep me company and Paraic wouldn't be there because the little weasel got an ear infection which meant he couldn't fly and was staying with ma's parents. I think it was a convenient ear infection because grandma took us shopping and then told us not to tell ma because she didn't want us to get spoiled. She bought me the new Nintendo 3DS.
LOVE HER.
I tried to fake that I was getting an ear infection too. It didn't work. Mum figured I was lying.
That sucked majorly.
So that was why I was with her in a small village called Hollyoaks, walking through heavy metal doors that had Chez Chez written on them in big pink letters. It was a nightclub that belonged to my auntie Cheryl. She was dad's sister.
My dad's name was Brendan Brady by the way. I didn't say that, did I?
"Cool place." I said when I clocked the bar area and the inside of the club.
The second he saw me his face lit up like a kid. He pointed at me, "You come here."
And then he hugged me like he was going to squeeze me to death. It made me think that maybe he missed me a lot. And maybe I missed him quiet a lot because right then I felt like it would be nice if I saw him more often and it was cool to get a hug off my dad.
"It's so good to see you. Ey, we are going to have the best two weeks. You hear me?"
For the first time since ma destroyed my holiday plans, I felt really happy. I nodded quickly. I was smiling like a right eejit.
He turned to ma and said, "Thanks for this."
"Don't let me live to regret it." She said with that scowl on her face that I had seen her use on him in the past.
And again dad looked like he was actually going to be physically sick. His face dropped and he broke eye contact with ma.
I was itching to ask why she would regret leaving me with my own father but I didn't want dad going into silent mode already so I filed that question for later like all the other questions I have had for dad over the last two years.
I said bye to mum and she left. It was sad and everything but at the same time I was getting really excited about what the next two weeks had in store for me.
We were having a catch up, pa, auntie Chez and me until we heard the door to the club open. I looked over to see this guy walk in. Young but definitely older than me. Thin like me and probably my height.
When dad saw him, he squeezed my shoulder a little harder than necessary. It nearly hurt.
"Stephen." He said and then looked at auntie as if asking her a question with his eyes.
"Hiya." This Stephen guy said and when dad wouldn't look at him, he turned to auntie and said, "Right. I've decided that I am going to take up your offer of taking some time off."
The tight squeeze from dad's hand on my shoulder was back and my Auntie's voice was tight when she said, "Oh okay."
"Yeah. I'm just going to take the kids away for a couple of weeks."
He had kids? Maybe I got it wrong but this Stephen looked like some of the older kids at school, like the school leavers. He couldn't be old enough to have KIDS?
PLURAL?
IN CAPITAL LETTERS (That's what Aoife did when she wanted to emphasise something.
For example, a note she gave me in drama club that read,
DEAR Deccy,
Meet me outside the gym later,
LOVE XXX,
Aoife.
"Great. That sounds like a great idea doesn't it, Brendan?" Auntie said.
"Yeah. Go with your mates. See you later."Dad said.
Wow. That Stephen bloke looked at dad like he wanted him dead, like with proper dagger eyes.
"Yeah, you too." Stephen said then practically ran out of the club as if he couldn't stand another minute in the place.
WEIRD...
Who is this Stephen? Clearly not a friend. Auntie looked almost revealed when he left, like we had avoided a major catastrophe or something. Dad looked... oh, I don't know. He was always so hard to read. Which was strange because Aoife thought I was a bit 'mysterious' also.
'I can't read you sometimes, Deccy.' she said.
Is it like inherited or something being secretive and mysterious? That would suck.
Anyway back to the story.
My dad looked stressed and harassed suddenly. He ran out of the club too. I wasn't an eejit. I knew he was running after that bloke. The question was why?
"Who is he?" I asked auntie.
"Who, love?"
"That guy. Just now. The one dad is running after." Like duh.
"Oh, Stephen? Brendan wasn't running. No. He, um-" She cleared her throat, looking everywhere but at me. "He works here... with me... as a bartender. He is staff. Nice guy."
"Has dad pissed him off or something?" I asked stating the obvious.
"What?" She laughed.
NERVOUS LAUGH.
I was brilliant at detecting people's REAL emotions. She couldn't fool me. "Don't be silly. I think your dad, um, he needs to give Stephen his money for this month, you know, before he goes. A holiday is no good without money, is it?"
"No. I guess not."
Right. That was another question for dad to file in the 'later' cupboard.
'.'/
The questions in that already full 'what I need to ask my dad later' cupboard piled up over the next two days.
Why was my normally bubbly aunt acting like someone was about to jump out of the bushes and scare her all the time? Why did I keep catching my dad staring blankly at nothing while holding a forgotten mug of tea or whiskey in his hand? Why did their conversations stop or obviously change when I entered the room?
THEY WERE ACTING WEIRD!
Still I was having an okay time.
Number one- I was killing it on my new Nintendo 3DS. I beat Aiden's score on the new Zelda game but I was still nowhere near Freddie's score. He said it was because he had fast fingers.
Number two- It was cool hanging out with dad. He found it funny that I was veggie but that was because he basically didn't get that a) meat was murder b) it tasted horrible, like really and c) some animals that people ate, like pigs, were as intelligent as some of our own domestic pets.
HOW MESSED UP WAS THAT?
I was having a good time and then dad started it. An argument. With me.
I was playing a computer game and then dad started to bust my balls by tugging the Nintendo out of my hands,
"I haven't seen you in ages and you have your nose stuck in this thing?"
"Not my fault you left."
Yep. I went there. I said it because I knew it would make him feel guilty.
"Yeah... it is not that simple." Dad said. "What happened between me and your mum, there are certain things you don't understand."
"I understand loads."
"Yeah?"
"I know you cheated on her." I figured that much about ma and pa. I was fourteen now for crissakes and the rumours were there. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. It was the bit of my dad I hated; that he hurt ma.
I thought he was going to deny it but he didn't.
"I'm sorry." He said. "You know I miss you loads and I'll always be your dad, regardless."
I tried to grab onto my anger and disappointment towards him but I couldn't. He as much as admitted that he cheated and I respected him more for doing that than lying to my face.
"And that I'll always love you, you know that." He said.
I felt like bursting from the inside. I wanted to smile loads but that would have been totally lame.
God, my dad could be such a geek, saying things like that.
"Shurrup." But I was grinning because I couldn't keep it in even if I tried.
He grinned too and said, "Guess I can't say that to my little man anymore, huh?"
I laughed because the truth was that my dad was kind of awesome.
'.'/
I woke up in the middle of the night. It was probably because I was sleeping in a different bed. I walked out of my room to get a drink and walked across the landing towards the stairs but something stopped me.
The lights were on in my dad's room, shining under the door. He was talking. At first I thought there might be someone in there with him but then I realised that he was on the phone. I tried to make out what he was saying, catching his half of the conversation. His voice was urgent. Desperate. I had never heard him sound like that; like he was broken inside.
"What do you want me to do to make it right?"... "I can't do that right now. This is not just about you and me." ... "Where are you going to go?" ... "For how long?" ... "Don't be like that. Please." ... "Look, I am sorry, okay, but this is a difficult situation." ... "You don't get it; she will take them away from me if we don't stay apart while he is here. I can't risk it." ... "This is about my kids. Can't you understand that? I can't lose them."
Who was dad speaking to? It sounded like a girlfriend or something but he never mentioned going out with someone. And why was he talking about losing Paraic and me?
"Wait! We can work this out. Let me prove it to you, I lov-"
I stepped forward to put my ear closer to the door but my foot landed on a creaky bit of wood under the landing carpet.
IT WAS A LOUD CREAK.
Oh bugger. I think dad heard me.
"Wait. Stephen. Shush a second. I think I heard someone." Dad whispered so quietly that I almost missed the name.
STEPHEN?
Stephen as in bartender Stephen? Who looked too young to have kids and was off on holiday? Stephen who appeared angry with dad at the club and by the sounds of it still was?
That STEPHEN? A BLOKE. A BLOKE THAT HAD TO BE CLOSER TO MY AGE THAN HIS.
THAT STEPHEN? (Sometimes Aoife uses all caps and writes in thick felt to REALLY EMPHASISE A POINT). For example, when she sent me this message during drama club,
Hey BABES,
Siobhan just found out that MR GREYSON IN I.T. IS GOING TO BECOME MISS GREYSON! Don't tell anyone else until it's official though.
LOVE XXX,
Aoife
"I am not making excuses." I heard my dad say through his bedroom door. "Wait a sec."
"Chez?" He said loudly towards the door. "That you?"
Shit. His footsteps were getting closer to the door so I ran full pelt towards my bedroom, diving into my bed and faking sleep as soon as I hit the mattress.
I heard his bedroom door open and then, after a beat, it closed again. I held myself completely still. Then there was total silence except for my breathing. My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.
My palpitations weren't the result of running. The jigsaw puzzle in my head was rearranging itself in my head. Some pieces were slotting into place. I closed my eyes as my brain tried to link the phone call now to the visit of Stephen at the club to what I knew about my secretive dad over the years.
"Hey little man."
I went rigid at the sound of dad's voice in the dark of my room.
He shocked me.
"I know you are awake, Dec."
I felt the dip of the mattress as he sat next to me on my bed but I didn't move. He didn't turn on the side light which was probably better if I was going to fake being asleep.
"You being a bit of a nosy parker outside my room?"
I thought about lying and saying I didn't know what he was talking about. Instead, I followed in his footsteps when he admitted to cheating on ma and said,
"Sorry. I couldn't sleep. I wanted to get some juice."
I turned to lie on my back so I could face him. I could just about make out his silhouette in the dark. He looked tense and his hands were balled into fists in his lap.
"Did you hear anything? Did you?" He whispered.
I nodded nervously. "You were speaking to that bloke Stephen."
He didn't speak straight away and then he said, "Yes."
"Why could you lose me and Paraic?" I asked, feeling a lump form up in my throat. It cut me up that there was a chance that I might not see my father again.
"Hey." He nudged me lightly when I sniffed back a tear. God, sometimes I could be such a baby. Thank goodness the light was off. "You alright?"
"Yes." I squeaked and then teared up again.
"Come here." He pulled me into a hug and whispered. "Don't worry. Nobody is losing anyone."
I buried my head in his chest like I did when I was a little kid.
"I promise, my little man." He said with steel in his voice like his word couldn't be broken.
After a while he let go and I fell back into my bed.
This is what I had figured out. This Stephen guy was an important person in dad's life. He made dad behave in a way I had never seen him behave before. It made me feel that I knew my dad better than I ever had while at the same time feeling like I did not know him at all.
"Dec?"
"Um."
"What you heard..." He hesitated, "... on the phone just now. It was nothing. Really."
"Bullshit." I said.
The puzzle was constructing itself. I was starting to understand my father.
I suddenly felt like everything was the same and yet a bit different.
"When did you start swearing?" He said.
"Right now because it is justified. I'm not an eejit, dad. I know what is going on." I said as if I had been there, done that.
"He isn't much older than me, is he?"
It wasn't an accusation. It was an observation.
He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Then he whispered. "He is old enough. Older than you think."
I frowned to myself in the dark. "Do you like..." I paused here because it was weird talking about this kind of stuff with my dad, "... love him and stuff?"
He looked down and started to study his hands as if they were fascinating.
"Do you fancy going to Florida?" He asked suddenly.
I sat up. "What's in Florida?"
How come this still felt like we were talking about his phone call with Stephen?
"Disney World." He said.
I grinned.
C.O.O.L.
"And..." He cleared his throat and I could make out his hand smoothing his moustache down. He was shaking like a leaf, a bit like I did before performing on stage.
"And?" I encouraged but I knew the answer already because I had figured it out. "Stephen's going to be there?"
He didn't draw breath for like a full minute, I swear. Then he simply replied, "Yes."
The pieces of the jigsaw slotted into place. All of them. Well nearly.
"He was pissed off with you at the club." I said.
"Yes."
"He is like your boyfriend or something and ma doesn't like you seeing him so you split up or you were supposed to go on holiday with him but then you couldn't because I came and now he is cheesed off or you are still going out but he is pissed off with you because-"
"Declan."
"Yes?"
"Do you want to go to Disney World or not?"
"Yeah sure." I said. CASUAL. I was not going to act like some preschooler about going to DISNEY WORLD in front of pa. The minute he was gone, though, I had a bunch of friends to IM.
"Okay." He kissed my forehead then stood up and headed for the door. "Now sleep."
"Okay. Night." I said as he closed the door.
I immediately picked up my phone and IMed Freddie, the one with the sweet pad in Kerry.
'Dude, just found out that my dad is gay and I am going to Disney World with him and his boyfriend! INSANE!'
He replied almost immediately.
'Seriously? Ur dad? I remember him. Bit of a DILF, mate. Tell him welcum to Team Gay. Wel Jel about DW!'
I replied,
'Ew, that's my dad u are talking about! U don't want Dan getting all jel, do u?'
And so on so forth. My IM marathons could go on for ages.
I wasn't like, oh my God! This is crazy news!
MY DAD IS GAY!
But I admit that I was a bit surprised because, well, he was my dad and my brain never thought of the possibility even with clues here and there.
But the gay thing was no big deal. Freddie was gay and he had been going out with Daniel (he was in our class too) for ages (like six months). Dan was allowed to sleep over at Freddie's house but not in the same room. Those were his parent's rules. This annoyed Freddie because he said 'there is a double standard' because me and Aiden could sleep in his room.
I don't get why he was complaining. Freddie admitted to me that Dan would sneak into his room when everyone else in the house was asleep for a make out session, anyway. He kept saying that he was 'gagging for it' but Dan had put the brakes on going all the way for a bit because both their parents kept banging on about safe sex and waiting until they were older. Dan was worried that if they had sex his mum would find out and ground him. That pissed Freddie off even more.
He could be spoiled like that but they always kissed and made up so it was okay in the end.
Anyway, the point of talking about Freddie and Dan was to say the Freddie was an awesome friend and Dan could be boring sometimes.
Hang on, that wasn't my point.
My actual point was that it was cool if my dad was with Stephen. What was not cool was that he didn't just tell me and ma and Paraic. What was wrong with him? Why keep that a secret?
HE CAN BE SUCH A WEIRDO!
I found my lids going heavy and I started dreaming of Florida. Here was hoping that Disney World was good fun and that Stephen wasn't a complete prick. Mind you, if it all went tits up there was always computer games and instant messaging.