Disclaimer – I own nothing related to Twilight (unfortunately), I just write about it for funsies.

Chapter 1.....

I opened my eyes slowly and saw complete darkness. I was confused to say the least, waking up naturally in the middle of the night, feeling as though I'd been asleep for a week. I burrowed my face into the pillow and froze as the memories of the dream I had hit me like a freight train.

Alice turning up at my house.

Edward in trouble.

Going to Italy.

Seeing the Volturi.

The Cullens back in Forks.

I scrunched my eyes shut and shook my head against the familiar flood of pain that came whenever I allowed myself to think about the vampire that I had loved and lost; the old ache in my chest building gradually. I knew that it would soon drag me under if I didn't stop it soon...

"No!" I shouted into my pillow, praying that Charlie would keep snoring in his room across the hall.

"Bella?" I heard a haunting voice from the corner of my room where my rocking chair was. Where HE used to sit. Great. Hearing voices even without the adrenaline rush... now I'm officially crazy. I rolled over to face the phantom voice and again inched my eyes open just enough to see through.

And there he was.

I sat bolt upright, realisation slowly creeping into my mind.

"It wasn't a nightmare, was it?" I looked over and silently cursed my brain for not being able to accurately memorise his perfect features over the months that he was... away. His chiselled jaw was clenched in the way that I knew meant he was thinking about how to word something. His eyes were the golden colour I fell in love with; he had clearly been hunting while I was asleep. He was sat perfectly still, more so than any human ever could, looking at me with a pained expression.

"No Bella, it wasn't a nightmare. We really did leave."

"I know that!" I spat incredulously, "I was talking about the whole nearly getting slaughtered in Italy. I know that you leaving was real, because last time I checked, you couldn't feel unbelievable pain in dreams, no matter how bad they are." I saw his face contort in pain, and knew that I should stop, but a sick part of me liked seeing him suffering after all he had done to me.

"Also, 'we' left? From what I've gathered, the rest of your family didn't want to leave; YOU made them!"

"Bella, we left because..."

I cut him off "Because you don't love me anymore. Yeah, I got that much"

His mouth dropped open in a way that would have been comical in any other situation and he clenched the arms of the battered rocking chair with what looked like all the force he could use without obliterating the wood. When he spoke again it was slowly and deliberate, as though every word spoken took and immeasurable amount of effort.

"Do you honestly think that I don't love you anymore?"

"I know you don't" I said, the previous rage I felt at seeing him draining out of my body, replaced by grief. I lay back down on my side in a foetal position and squeezed my eyes tightly shut, praying that I wouldn't start crying.

There was a slight creaking sound that I recognised as the rocking chair moving, followed by a long silence. Convinced that he had been wise and left, I opened my eyes to have my vision submerged in gold.

"I love you more today than ever before, and I will love you even more tomorrow and every day after that for the rest of my existence" he whispered so quietly that I had to strain to hear him even with his face 6 inches away from mine. "Don't doubt that for a second"

"You told me you didn't want me anymore" I replied in the same hushed tone, knowing that he'd hear me perfectly. "You left me."

"I left to keep you safe, Bella"

I was stunned.

"Safe?" my voice got louder and higher in my disbelief "You think I was safe without you?"

"After what happened with Jasper..." he drifted off with a vague gesture with his hands, as though that was explanation enough.

"What happened with Jasper was nothing compared to what has happened since you left. I was lost in the woods for hours after you left me, and am probably only alive because Sam Uley found me and brought me home. I crashed a motorbike and cut my head open, I nearly drowned 2 days ago. Oh yeah, and I was nearly drained by a vengeful vampire. If that's your idea of safe, then I guess you did well leaving."

Now it was his turn to look stunned. I didn't know if it was possible for vampires to go into shock, but Edward was doing a good approximation of it if it wasn't.

"How did you escape from a vampire?" he asked after a long and discomfited silence.

"The pack saved me" I replied. He grimaced, clearly knowing whom I was talking about. "And it wasn't just a random vampire. It was Laurent." "Laurent?" Edward's eyes were wild and darkened to an inky black in an instant. "But he went to..."

"Denali, yeah he told me. Right before he told me that he was scouting out Forks for Victoria so she could kill your mate, i.e. me, because you killed her mate, i.e. James. Now I know that you didn't actually pull his head off, but I don't think she cares for technicalities."

His shocked, angry stare was starting to bore me, so I clambered out of bed and started rummaging through my closet for something to wear since I clearly wasn't going to be getting any more sleep tonight.

"Plus the logic's moot anyway, since we're not even together anymore" I said casually as I pulled a deep red t-shirt out, ignoring the sharp twist of pain in my chest at my own words.

"We're not?" he asked, hurt lacing his voice.

I had returned to stunned.

"No Edward, we're not. You left, remember?" I said, turning to face his still form on the floor with his back to me.

"But I'm back now"

"And what, you thought that since you'd decided you want me again that I'd just come running back and we could carry on like the last 6 months never happened?"

It was clear from his face that that was almost exactly what he had thought.

"I never didn't want you Bella"

"But you told me you didn't want me to go with you. You said you didn't want me." My voice was becoming higher pitched and reminded me slightly of Renee's voice when she was angry.

"I was trying to keep you safe, that's all I ever wanted." The sincerity in his voice made it impossible to doubt his motives, but it didn't erase the agony of the last months.

"It didn't work. All that you did was break, no – smash – my heart into a million pieces and make me feel like I was worthless

"I'm sorry; you will never know how sorry I am."

"No, I won't. And you'll never know how much it hurt; because I'd never leave you like that."

"I was only trying to keep you safe"

This was starting to get repetitive, and I was scared that I was going to give in and run into his arms if he kept the same soul-wrenchingly broken expression on his face. "Look Edward, can you just leave please, I don't feel like talking to you right now." He stood up slowly and made his way over to the window. "Oh, and could you please have Alice and Jasper come over? I need to talk to them both"

He spun round to face me in a movement so fast I would have missed it had I not been expecting it.

"Not Jasper" he growled softly but menacingly.

"Seriously, Edward?" I scoffed "you're still blaming Jasper for what happened on my birthday? I thought you would have worked out by now that he didn't mean it. Plus he's your brother. the guilt must be killing him if you're still holding it against him."

"I'm not passing on the message. I will tell Alice you want to see her alone"

"Fine, then I'll come to your house later to see Jasper myself. Or maybe Alice would have seen my decision and will just bring Jasper with her now."

"Glad to see you know me better than my own brother Bella" Alice's perfect soprano voice sang out as she leapt lightly through the window that was still open from Edward's almost departure. "Come on Jasper, I told you she wanted to see you too. Actually..." her eyes glazed over momentarily, "I'm the too, it's you she wants to see mainly"

Jasper crept into the room and stood in the corner farthest from where I was. His face – more manly and handsome than Edward's – was wracked with guilt and sadness. Edward stared at him, I'm guessing in warning.

I sighed, "Edward, please leave"

He shot me one last distraught look before leaping gracefully through my window and running into the woods at the side of the house, taking the same trail that we took back in September where my life as I knew it was torn to shreds.

Alice picked up a notepad and pen from my desk, wrote for a second, then handed it to me. She had written –

He's still within hearing range, so don't say anything that you don't want him to know. If you want this to be a private conversation, I can text Emmett to come and drag him home.

There was a sketch at the bottom of the page of Emmett carrying Edward in a fireman's lift with a goofy grin on his face.

I giggled at the thought, shook my head at Alice and turned to Jasper.

"What do you feel from me at the moment Jasper?" I asked him.

He looked at me thoughtfully before speaking. "Frustration, love, acceptance and confusion mainly, as well as about a hundred other things. Why?"

"Any hatred? Blame? Fear, even?"

I think that he worked out what I was getting at.

"No." He looked at me in amazement. Alice started gently bouncing beside me.

"I don't blame you for what happened on my birthday Jasper; not one bit. I definitely don't blame you for your family leaving. And I'm not afraid of you anymore than I am of Alice. Less actually if you factor in her trying to force me to shop"

He chuckled at this before sobering up quickly "But I tried to bite you Bella. I wanted to kill you. How can you forgive me for that?"

"Because there's nothing to forgive. I know how your gift works, but I've been thinking since you left – can you feel other vampire's thirst?" he nodded slightly "well then, that settles it."
"OK, the biggest wave of resignation just hit me. What are you thinking?"

I grinned smugly at him, although I wasn't sure if that was quite the right facial expression to using for a conversation as dark as this one.

"When I cut myself on my birthday, all seven of you must have felt bloodlust of some degree, even Edward. Actually, all six of you, I forgot what Carlisle does for a living. So you're reaction wasn't you feeling thirsty or out of control, it was the product of feeling the thirst of 5 other vampires' thirsts as well as your own. Hell, I bet even Carlisle would struggle to restrain himself with that feeling"

Alice interrupted me by throwing her small arms around me into the fiercest hug she could manage without breaking my ribs, squealing like a stuck pig, as Jasper had the same expression of vampire-shock that Edward wore earlier.

"Jasper?" I asked gently, worried now.

He snapped out of it and shook his head. "I apologise Bella, I was just astonished at your theory. I can't believe that I haven't considered it before." He crossed the room in two long strides and hugged me and Alice together, since she was still latched around me. "Thank you." He whispered in my ear.

"Don't mention it." I replied. "Actually, do. To Edward – it might make him give up his little blame act and behave like a good brother again"

I heard a loud cracking outside that was unmistakably the sound of a decent sized tree snapping.

Alice laughed "That got rid of him. Edward's decided to go to and wallow in his meadow for a few hours. Or days, he's not sure"

Jasper announced that he too was leaving, to go back to the house and unpack some of the things that Esme had had shipped from where they had been living before now.

There was one last thing I needed to ask him, "Err, Jasper? I know you always kept some distance because of your thirst, but I also know that Edward had a lot to do with it. Now that he doesn't have a say about me anymore, do you think that maybe we could be friends or something?" I trailed of lamely.

"Absolutely Bella!" he grinned at me before swinging jubilantly out of the window. I don't think I'd ever seen Jasper looking so free and happy.

It was then that I noticed that Alice was still clutching me as though I was the only thing anchoring her to Earth.

"Umm, Alice?" I tapped her shoulder lightly to remind her that she was still hugging me.

"Oops, sorry," She let me go and danced over to rocking chair where she elegantly sat and draped her legs over one of the arms. "I just had a vision about how happy Jasper will be after this conversation. You wouldn't imagine how grumpy he's been since we left; although I know I was slightly to blame for that. This is the happiest I've been for months!" She swung her torso backwards over the other arm of the chair and looked at me with her head upside down. "So, what's going on with you and Edward? Happily ever after?"

I scoffed "Hardly."

"Good" she replied. That was hardly what I expected her to say "He deserves to suffer even more than he already has for making us leave."

"I –" I didn't really know what to say "But I... he shouldn't... I can't just...we aren't... I want..."

"Bella, chill!" Alice laughed at me, the sound a welcome distraction from the Edward induced muddle in my mind. "I know you haven't made up your mind about him yet, believe me, I know" she tapped her temple with a serious looking expression on her face.

"Do me a favour?" I asked, something popping into my mind.

"Anything" she trilled.

"Don't look into Edward and mine's futures. I want whatever happens between us to just happen, and not for him to know what I decide before I tell him. And if you just see something without looking – please don't tell him."

"Consider it done. I won't tell you anything I see unless it's either life threatening or so trivial that it won't change anything, if that's cool. For example, it's going to be sunny today, so if you want to avoid Edward following you all day and begging for forgiveness, may I recommend somewhere out in the open?!"

I laughed at that, "Thanks for the advice. Consider weather forecasts on the lists of things that I don't ever mind hearing about."

We chatted until the sun came up about everything and nothing: I told her about the latest episode of the Mike and Jessica saga, she told me about her two-month long trip across Asia and Australasia with Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. I was shocked that Emmett had to be persuaded to not hunt an endangered giant panda when it crossed their path in China (apparently it smelt like a grizzly bear, but much sweeter and "yummier"), and was amused by his newest favourite food... koala.

"Emmet... likes... koalas?" I got out between giggles. The image of Emmett, the grizzly wrestler, tackling a tiny koala bear which was probably smaller than one of his biceps was just hilarious to me.

"Yep, and we also discovered that Tasmanian Devils aren't afraid of us like other animals. Emmett found an especially runty looking one, named it Kylie, and spent 3 hours on the phone to Esme, begging her to let him bring it home."

Laughter burst from my lips as I struggled to catch my breath enough to ask what had become of Kylie the runty Tasmanian Devil.

"Well Emmett seems to think that none of us know that he's keeping it in one of the outbuildings on the land and smuggling it chunks of meat after every hunt. He also doesn't realise that Kylie is actually a boy, although I see both becoming obvious to him by the end of the week"

I had to hide my face in my pillows to smother the sound, so Charlie didn't wake up.

"Look Bella, Charlie's going to be up in 10 minutes and will want to talk to you, so I'm going to get going. What do you want me to say to Edward, because you don't have to be a psychic to know he'll want to know what you said about him?"

I sighed: partly because I wasn't looking forward to receiving my punishment from Charlie, and partly because Edward's name hadn't been mentioned in a few hours and my annoyance still hadn't fully dissipated.

"I haven't got anything more to say to him yet than what I told him earlier. I need time to think about everything. Time without him." I took a deep breath "Tell him that I don't want to talk to him, or for him to talk to me until I'm ready. Remind him that I've been without him for months, and I thought I was going to be forever, and that there are parts of my life now that he is going to hate". I was of course thinking of Jacob, "But he's just going to have to deal with it. I am not revolving my life around what he thinks, says or does anymore; he's proved that he doesn't know what's best for me."

Alice looked at me thoughtfully for a second, and then nodded "OK Bella. That sounds fair."

Inspiration suddenly hit me. I grabbed a pad of post-its from my desk and a pen, and scrawled four words across the top one before folding it into a small square and handing it to Alice.

"Give him that, tell him it explains better than I can right now."

"Sure. Don't worry, I won't look. Or look either."

"Thanks Alice."

"See you soon Bella"

She leapt out the window and ran off into woods just as I heard Charlie's snores cease. I wondered how Edward would take my note, or if he would understand what I meant by it. Even if he did, he probably wouldn't like it for many reasons. I just knew that right now, any conversation we had was going to be extremely similar to the last one: me being angry or sad, and him apologising, but claiming he left for noble purposes.

I allowed myself to picture him in the meadow, the image tainted from the terror I experienced the last time I was there when Laurent and the wolves made an appearance, and pictures him receiving the note from Alice with a leap of hope in his heart that this was an acceptance of his apology, or the grand gesture of the start of our new relationship. Instead he would unfold the note slowly, as I knew he would, stare down at my scratchy handwriting, and read the words

White Horse – Taylor Swift

A/N. Just a random plot idea I had and decided to write up. Unsure if/when I'll continue it. Let me know what you think.