Ponboy POV
It's never going to be the same again. Is it?
I'll never get to paint Dallas while he was in his dangerous mood. I'll never have a friend like Johnny; I'll never see Johnny get the life he deserved.
I felt the guilt in the pit of my stomach. I felt it rise and slowly push my food upwards.
I tried to comfort myself and thought of the reason I ran away with Johnny. I thought back and it made my head hurt. Trying desperately to skip the horrible memories. My throat tightened and I could feel the pain on the sides of my head and behind my eyes.
I started to remember, remember my fight with Darry:
"I didn't mean to!" Darry had shouted, I almost shook. "I didn't think! I forgot! That's all I hear out of you! Can't you think of anything?"
"Darry…" Sodapop began, but Darry turned on him.
"You keep your trap shut! I'm sick and tired of hearin' you stick up for him!"
He should never yell at Soda. Nobody should ever holler at my brother. I exploded. "You don't yell at him!" I shouted. Darry wheeled around and slapped me so hard that it knocked me against the door.
"It was Darry's fault that, not yours" I kept telling myself. "If he didn't hit you, none of this would have happened" I kept blaming Darry and the guilt rose at such a fast pace I threw up in my mouth.
Being in the kitchen and next to Sodapop I tried to swallow it. My throat tightened more and I was silently despising my self. I knew it was my fault and I felt even more guilty trying to deny it.
"How can you blame Darry? Its your fault that Johnny's dead". My efforts to swallow proved pointless as I rushed to the toilet.
I felt the sickly substance push its way through my constricted throat. I felt the pain behind my eyes soften as they started to water. The putrid stench hit my nose and my all my previous intricate thoughts simplified to 'please, make this stop'
Water splashed back onto my face and the thought of the waste touching my face made me throw up even more violently.
I hugged the bowl for dear life and coughed pieces of food out and tried to keep the rest inside me.
I could still feel the guilt and my stomach was also pained from overworking the muscles near there. I attempted to spit out the taste and rid myself of the string of spit that dangled from my mouth without coming into contact with it.
As I lifted my right knee from the floor I remembered Cherry.
I remembered her face so close to tears, I also remembered it was me who caused her to be that way. With that thought, I bent over again and hurled.
I kept at it until there was nothing left to throw up. I could still feel the tightness in my throat and the overwhelming guilt.
I crawled to the side towards the sink and opened the cabinet. I took out a razor and pressed hard down onto the patch of skin below my wrist and near my elbow, where my veins seemed to disappear. As I dragged it down my left arm, I knew it broke the skin. I could feel the pain shoot to my fingertips.
I tried to drag the razor in a straight line downwards, but I was shaking so much.
I realized I was crying and gasping for air.
The guilt subsided and I lay on the tiled floor. I felt cold. I looked down at my arm and saw the blood seep out in what seemed to be shiny red balls.
I watched the shiny spheres grow until they grew to heavy and rolled towards the floor, across my arm.
With my other arm I held onto my shoulder for reassurance. Reassurance for what? I'm not so sure.
I tucked my knees close to my chest and realized how cold I really was. I was still shaking and could feel every now and then a soothing warm tear roll down my face.
My left arm was no longer paining but was numb. It was so numb, my hands and feet were so cold. My throat tightened again and I realized how alone I was.
I wanted to whimper, to sigh, to give out a sign to Soda that I wanted him to burst in and wrap a warm comforting arm around me to replace the cold dead one I was using.
I tucked my shivering legs in closer and wrapped my cold arm around myself tighter. I kept my gaze upon the razor that lay on the floor and thought to myself
"I deserve this"