Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"Tell me, do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls?" Link got up, annoyed at the middle aged-man who keeps filling his head with unimportant nonsense. Link got bored and decided to go play with his horse Epona, who was much more interesting than the middle-aged man who keeps filling his head with unimportant nonsense. Link began to put sacks and bundles of straw on Epona's back to take back to the village. Once he packed the final sack, he began to lead Epona away quietly, but unfortunately, he tripped over a rock. This startled the mare. With a loud neigh she began to dart wildly in circles. Link's hand was, unfortunately, tangled in the reins.

Link (with every bump): Ow, ow, ow, ow!!

All of this goes unnoticed by the middle aged-man who keeps filling his head with unimportant nonsense (MAMWKFHHWUN) as he stares out at the lake and continues to talk about, well, unimportant nonsense.

MAMWKFHHWUN: They say it is the only time our world intersects with theirs. The only time we can feel the lingering regrets of spirits who have left our world. That is why loneliness always pervades the hour of twilight. But enough talk about sadness…. I have a favor to ask of you, Link…. *Finally notices Link began dragged around by a crazed Epona* HOLY SHIT!!

After disentangling Link's hand from the reins and settling Epona down, the two sit down and MAMWKFHHWUN continues to speak.

MAMWKFHHWUN: I was supposed to deliver something to the Royal family of Hyrule the day after tomorrow. Yes, it was a task set to me by the mayor, but…. Would you go in my stead?

Link *tending to his wounds from Epona*: PURE LAZINESS!!

MAMWKFHHWUN: You have…. never been to Hyrule, right?

Link: No, but I've accidentally walked in on Mayor Bo when he was taking a shower. That was some scary shit. He chased me for like an hour…. without pausing to put his clothes back on first!

MAMWKFHHWUN *now highly disturbed*: Okay…. anyway, in the kingdom of Hyrule there is a great castle and around it is Castle Town, a community far bigger than our little village…. And far bigger than Hyrule is the rest of the world the gods created. You should look upon it all with your own eyes.

Link: Okay, yeah, I get it. Quit filling my head with unimportant nonsense. I shall "look upon it all with my own eyes"!! Okay, can I go now before the annoying little Ordon kids come to my house? If they come today, I shall act dead!

MAMWKFHHWUN stands up.

MAMWKFHHWUN: It is getting late…. We should head back to the village. I will talk to the mayor about this matter.

Link: That's what I just asked of you!! Let's head back!

MAMWKFHHWUN begins to lead Link back to the village. Link begins to lead Epona (carefully this time) back. MAMWKFHHWUN begins to talk about unimportant nonsense once again. Link sighs and even Epona gets annoyed and rears. Link groans in annoyance as all the bundles on Epona's back fall off. Link quickly and sloppily begins strap them back on as MAMWKFHHWUN continues to talk about how Gorons used to bully him on his trips to the mountains.

MAMWKFHHWUN: Now let me tell you all about my childhood!

Link groans. At least now he has everything strapped back on Epona's back. The two begin to cross the bridge. MAMWKFHHWUN keeps talking about his dull and boring childhood.

Link: I need a miracle.

As if on cue, MAMWKFHHWUN steps on a loose board on the bridge and begins to plummet a long way down into the river below.

Link: YES!!

Suddenly the lights go out as Link steps onto a grand stage. On the wall behind him is a logo that says "Hylian Idol". Link holds up his microphone and sings.

Link *Singing*: FREEDOOOOOOOM!! FREEDOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, HE-EH-EH-EY!!!!!!

A nonexistent audience begins to clap. Link bows down, saying "Thank you, thank you," as girls from all around the world begin to throw their underwear on stage. Suddenly Link's hit in the face with a coconut, bringing him back to reality. Epona whinnies a laugh and kicks another coconut at Link, and her aim is once again true, but this time it doesn't hit him in the face.

Link: MY BALLS!!!!

Link writhes around on the floor in pain, crying hysterically. Epona whinnies happily and begins to trot in place, her way of doing a victory dance.

MAMWKFHHWUN: And as I was saying, my mother was very rude to my brother so that he had to….

Link: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!


Link had somehow forgotten that everything that dies in his world magically comes back to life later on.

***

Link awakens the next day and takes out his to-do list.

Link: Let's see what I need to do today….

Link's To-Do List

▫ round up the goats

▫ get cradle from monkey

▫ get fishing line

▫ return cat to Sera

▫ entertain kids…. Oh crap, where did that come from? Shit…. Okay, let's scratch that….

▫ entertain kids hire monkey to distract kids away from my house and to be forever lost in the woods.


There we go. Wait a minute, where's Epona?!?!

Meanwhile, at the Ordon Spring….

Ilia and Epona are sitting down at a small table (well, actually Epona's standing seeing as she's a horse). Ilia has a visor on and is smiling psychotically, or maybe just stupidly. She puts her cards down on the table.

Ilia: 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6! Straight flush!!

Epona snorts in disgust.

Ilia: Haha, beat that, puny horse!

Epona lays her cards down. 10, Ace, Jack, Queen, and King. Royal Flush.

Ilia: Damn it!

Epona whinnies happily as she pulls all her chips towards her.

Ilia: Damn it, you've insulted me for the last time!!

Epona snorts and trots off with her chips in her pouch. Ilia takes a large stick and begins to dart towards Epona with it.

Suddenly Link shows up.

Link (to Epona): Hey girl!

Epona whinnies excitedly as she shows Link her chips.

Link (sighing): Have you been playing poker with Ilia again?

Epona nods happily.

Link: You might not want to anger that girl. She's already psychotic enough – WHOA, ILIA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??

Ilia is still charging towards Epona with the stick in hand. Fortunately for Epona, however, she stupidly slips in a pile of horse crap and falls face-first into more…. horse crap.

Epona whinnies happily and begins to do her trot-in-place victory dance. Link hesitantly walks over to Ilia to make sure she's alright (since her father, Mayor Bo, would have his head if any harm had been done to Ilia and Link was with her suspiciously).

Link: Ilia, are you alright?

Ilia lifts her head up and spits out horse manure. She gets up and smiles stupidly, the stick she was about to attack Epona with now sticking out of her left eye.

Ilia: Oh, hi Linky.

Ilia yanks the stick out of her eye and quickly heads over to the spring, since it has magical healing properties, and pours the water into her bloody eye. Soon she's back to normal and rushes up to Link stupidly again, still spitting out horse manure.

Link: Ilia, you weren't trying to attack Epona due to a lost game of poker, now were you?

Ilia: Oh, nonsense, Linky! I was just uh, uh…. I was washing Epona for you!

Link: Oh.

Ilia: Yeah, and she had a fly on her, so I was just trying to swat it off.

Link: Oh, okay. Cool. Yeah, well I'm just going to go do some errands in the village now. See ya.

Link begins to lead Epona away before Ilia calls out to him.

Ilia: Linky!

Link turns around.

Link: Yes?

Ilia throws her arms around Link's neck and buries her face in his shoulder.

Ilia (whispering): Be careful out there, okay?

Link shoves her off of him and looks at her like she's gone psycho (and maybe in this case she has).

Link: What's wrong with you?? I'm just going to do my usual chores! It's not like I've been put on a mission to save Hyrule!

(Little does he know….)

Ilia: Well, it's just…. I love you, Linky!

Link gags and Epona faints.

Link: That's, um…. okay then. See ya.

Link turns to leave again, but Ilia throws her arms around his neck again, turning him to face her. She puts her hands over her heart dramatically.

Ilia: Just give me one kiss, Linky, and then I will know that if you die, we can be together in the next life.

Link stares wide-eyed as Ilia closes her eyes and leans in slowly and dramatically to kiss him. Link gags again when he sees her manure-covered lips.

Ilia smiles to herself when she feels her lips press against Link's. The kiss was so beautiful, so romantic….

Ilia opens her eyes and sees….

…. A monkey's ass.

Ilia: Linky?

Ilia looks around confusedly, but Link and Epona are nowhere to be seen.

Finally, in the distance, she can see Epona hurriedly dragging Link away.

Ilia: LINKY! Get back here, my love!

Ilia begins to follow Link and Epona. The monkey (which is the same one Link will hire to distract the kids from the village later on), drops out of the tree he was hanging in and jumps in Ilia's way. Ilia glares.

Ilia: Get out of my way, you filthy baboon!

Ilia kicks the poor monkey out of the way. The monkey angrily screams something in monkey language. Suddenly a bunch of monkeys appear in the trees, all wielding random things from hard fruits (watermelons, pineapples, coconuts….etc….) and sticks.

The monkey points at Ilia and screams a command.

Link smiles as Ilia's cries of pain and agony ring through the woods.

Link: Hey, thanks for hiring those monkeys to distract Ilia and for quickly pushing me out of the way of Ilia's hideous lips, Epona.

Epona whinnies in response as the two go over the hills and through the woods to Grandmother's house – erm, I mean, back to Ordon Village.