Disclaimer: Joss owns. I play.
Backtracking
Warnings: Language. Single train of thought, no editing eye except spellcheck.
It's hard to imagine that you wound up this lost. But you did. There was nothing you could really do to stop it. Life doesn't work that way. Instead we take what we can get; play the hand that was dealt unto us. Ha. Funny, Lindsey. Really funny. Hand jokes. Again. Just never could forgive him for that, could you? You baby. You came back here to mess with him and this is what you get for your troubles? You're lost. You've stayed lost. Because life never works out in your favor. Never once have you come out on top. You went looking for answers where you knew they could never be found. Its bullshit. The whole thing. Life. What a joke. You've barely lived at all. Swallowed up by something bigger than yourself ever since you left home. Did you hope that one day you'd have an epiphany? That you'd finally realize you're purpose? You don't have a purpose. You never have. You're just their puppet, Lindsey! You never had a chance. And now here you are talking to yourself. It's seriously fucked up, man. You tried to fight your destiny. But you lost. You couldn't change a thing. He's the champion. The hero. He's righteous. Anything he does is good. How is it that he can redeem himself but you can't? Is it simply because he says so? Is it because he says you're not worth it? You tried to turn your life around. You tried so hard. But in the end it doesn't matter because he doesn't believe you.
Fuck, here I am bleeding out on the floor and all I can do is degrade myself. Because that's all that anyone's ever done to me. Degraded me. Looked down on me like the scum of the earth. No matter what I did he wouldn't believe I truly wanted to change. So here I am bleeding out on the floor because he doesn't think I'm worth the extra air. What about my redemption? My story? Don't I get a chance? I should have a chance! I can be a better man! I've been trying. I can fix things. I wanted to help you, dammit. I wanted to help you fight this battle and you repay me with this. Me bleeding out on the floor. Shot down by a goddamn lackey. Like I'm not even worth your time. Demons you have time to kill. You can soil yourself with their blood. But not Lindsey. No, he's the lowest of them all. You can't lower yourself to dealing with him by yourself. But a lackey! A fucking lackey can kill me. I'm not worth your time. But that's all I wanted. To be worth something. Anything.
At the firm I was always an object; an asset. I just wanted to be valued as a human but I was just their tool. My whole life could have changed if someone, anyone, had just treated me like a person. You hated me because I went back to the firm after that first time we joined forces. You want to know why I went back? Because you never treated me like a human! You never thanked me. You just despised me. But Holland? He at least took time to tell me that I was important. That I had potential. Do you know how much that meant to me? If you had taken the time to express that, I never would have gone back. Maybe I could have been a part of your team. And you would have protected me instead of cutting off my hand. And I could have helped you bring down Wolfram & Hart. And I wouldn't be bleeding out on the floor, shot down by someone I used to be able to trust.
But that's not the way things worked out, is it? You never gave me the time of day, even when I was screaming for help, and now here I am. Dying.
A/N: I don't know. I just rewatched the entire Angel series and had Lindsey on my brain. And I sat down to write and this is what came out. It's the first thing I've posted in almost two years, too.
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