A.N. Warning. This is completely (almost entirely) a crackfic. Practically everything is here is silly and this piece was written for fun. Hope you get a laugh or two out of this.

I wake up exactly at five, not because I'm a morning person and not because school starts early, but because the moment I was born, God reached down from heaven and pressed his thumb against my forehead. He pressed his warm thumb against my baby forehead and he whispered words to me that to this day, only I can recall.

"Adam," he said, "You must wake up at five for now on, for the sun will only come up when you do."

It's a pretty big deal.

I was hesitant at first, because really, who wants to get up at five? No one's up at five. Indignant, I refused in my undeveloped, just-borne baby screams, and God rubbed my tummy with his pinky finger and apologized.

"How about I cut you a deal?" He asked me. "I'll make you so incredibly irresistible."

It's been about sixteen years now since that fateful day and life is freaking awesome. I'm Adam Torres, the sexiest man in the universe. When I tell people to jump, they scream, "How high?" When I ask people to run, they yell, "How fast?"

It's not easy being this damn good looking. I emit such an air of irresistibility that I sometimes get invited to marathons just to sit at the finish line. It's an incentive, the marathon planners always tell me. Whenever I'm there, the marathon usually ends in ten minutes at most. And there's a lot of fainting afterwards. Dehydration and heat stroke. Yeah, just by looking at me.

That brings me to this morning. Yesterday night was the same as any other. I walked barefoot, of course (I don't need to worry about the ground. Usually, the ground before me is covered by people begging me to walk on them). It does get a little irritating when I smile at the crowd of millions that follow me around and a fight breaks out about whom it was that I actually smiled at. But I'll live. Back to the story. So I got home around eight. I try to sleep by ten because waking up at five ain't no easy task, let me tell you. Just one minute off and the world might explode, literally.

When I woke up (five, as always) I saw there were three naked chicks on my bed, surrounding me. They were all sleeping, of course. I hated when this happened. Sometimes, I forgot to stop being irresistible before I slipped into bed and just like that, I'd wake up with a few naked girls in my bed. It got old. The clean up was always messy too.

"Adam! Where are you going! Come back into bed with us." The blonde one winked, grabbing my arm and trying to pull me back.

"No." I replied, as cool as ever.

"Oh, Adam, you're breaking my heart." She whispered, smiling, "That's really hot."

"Yeah, yeah. Get out."

The blonde one (I think her name was Jenna?) left with the other two out my window, where were immediately pounced upon by my crowd of millions, angry that they had gotten so close to me.

"Dear brother Adam!"

There at my door was Drew, my older brother who admired me oh so much. Sometimes, it'd get annoying, but I put up with it because that's what siblings were meant to do. Put up with each other.

"What do you want, Drew?" I asked.

"I was wondering if you'd like to toss the old pigskin around with me?" He asked, nervously holding a football.

"Here. Fetch." I threw it out the window and immediately, Drew smiled and jumped out the window after the ball, his tail wagging.

It was then that I realized that I was not in my house, but on my yacht. Of course, I wasn't worried because Drew was an amazing swimmer. I never learned how to swim, but it was completely fine because whenever I ventured too far into the ocean, the fish would crowd below me and keep me afloat while mermaids would give me a nice, fishy massage. Mermaids are nice and all, but they're way too clingy.

Anyhow, I stepped out into the living room to see my father and mother sipping on cups of tea. They welcomed me to the table where my breakfast awaited. I was a sucker for cereal. Of course, they made sure to prepare it to my specifications- two cups of whole milk with 107 pieces of Cheerios and exactly 27 lucky charms marshmallows. I wasn't a spoiled kid, though. I let them choose which marshmallows to put in. Except the red balloons. Nobody like the damn red balloons.

"Adam! Adam, dear!"

In walked Katie. She's this delusional girl who thinks that we're dating, which isn't exactly true, but I kept her around because she had a real mean kick and it helped when I had to navigate through a huge crowd of people. She swings her right foot side to side while hopping forward on her left, and like a windshield wiper, she clears the way almost perfectly.

"Hey babe." I winked, causing her to turn an awfully bloody shade of red.

"Omg, don't play me like that." She blushed, kissing me on the lips before sitting on my lap.

"I'll play you any way I want." I growled.

"You're so mean." She gushed, pulling me in for another kiss as Drew walked into the kitchen, the football in his mouth. He dropped it by my feet.

"Adam! I got the ball!" He shouted, proud.

"Katie, go make out with my brother. He needs to know how to be a real man." I instructed while Drew smiled at me happily.

"You're such an awesome brother!" He yelled as Katie winked and pulled him into the room right under my cereal bowl.

I rolled my eyes because uh, Drew, I'm aware. Sometimes that brother of mine had a knack of saying the most obvious things. Finishing my cereal, I painted on my suit and straightened out my tie before jumping into my limousine. I tapped my champagne glass against the leather seat and at once, it grew legs and breasts and finally, a face.

"Oh, I've missed you so much, Adam!" She squealed, jumping on my lap.

"Don't keep me waiting then, Alli." I growled, licking her collarbone.

"Oh, Adam! Don't stop!" She moaned as I continued my attack on her neck.

My fingers traveled down her body and I took my time cupping her breasts and squeezing them. The only bad thing about that was her breasts had a tendency to make loud squeaks if I pressed them too hard. The positive out of that was that when Drew was bored, I usually let him bite on them as chew toys. Her moans soon overtook the squeaking of her boobs but I pulled away from her neck and pushed her back.

"Why'd you stop, honey?" She moaned, still, for some weird reason, although I literally stopped touching or kissing her.

"Because you know champagne could probably stain my clothes." I said, crossing one leg over the other. "You wouldn't want me to get my clothes dirty, would you, baby?"

She didn't reply, because she was a champagne bottle, and champagne bottles don't really talk.

I stepped out of my limo and took a swig of the champagne, spraying it into the crowd that amassed before me like a really bad music video. The birds dropped down from the sky and grabbed me by the arms, pulling me above the crowd and placing me down on a comfortable cloud. I loved clouds. They're the most convenient method of travel.

Now, a thing I should mention is that I like chips. Chips and salsa. It's literally one of the greatest combinations on earth, and as soon as I will it, things happen for me. So I willed a giant pool of salsa dip. Soon, I was standing at the top of a slide, holding a giant chip. I sat down on it and waited for Eli (who has been pining after me for a while now) to give me a push down the slide. I bet you're wondering how fun it was. Let me tell you. It was really freaking fun.

I emerged from the salsa dip like a freaking model, with salsa dripping down my rock solid abs and chiseled, well-shaved jaw line like I belonged in a Gilette Pro Fusion Glide commercial. I ran my hands in my hair, pulling it back over my head and smiling at the girls who were gathered around the salsa pool. They quickly surrounded me and began blinking through their eyebrows (no, literally, there were eyebrow ashes all over the floor) and grabbing their chips to run them down my washboard abs.

I can't blame them. I'm pretty freaking hot.

"Oh my God, just take me now." I heard.

Looking to my left, I saw Katie standing there with Drew scratching his head with his feet.

"Whatever you say, babe." I winked, the salsa flying off of me and another suit flying from out of nowhere and onto my body.

I held my arm out and a strong wind current blew Katie from her position with Drew to my arm, and she sighed lovingly as she grabbed my tie. Pulling my head down, she captured my lips in hers and she ran her fingers through my shirt and on my stomach.

"Not right now, babe." I whispered, putting my finger against her lip and pressing against her until she slowly morphed into a motorcycle.

Getting on the motorcycle, I turned on the ignition and drove, ignoring the troves of girls who were touching me and stealing threads of my clothes as I drove past them. I finally stopped at a nearby library, deciding that I could use a break from the crowds, if only for a moment.

Now, here's where everything changed. The moment I stepped into the library, I should've known something was different, because I imagined having a margarita in my hand but it didn't happen. That never happened to me before. I walked into the main reading room of the library and there she was. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen. She had blonde hair that fell around her shoulders and beautiful piercing blue eyes that were focused on a book in front of her.

Her name? Becky Baker. Of course, I didn't know that at this point. All I knew was that I had to hook up with her or something.

"Give me a kiss, babe." The girl didn't even respond.

"I'm Adam." I tried again, pushing my hair back with one hand.

"Mhm." She replied, not even looking up from her book.

I pushed her book down and grabbed her chin, forcing her to look up at me. My charm never failed. There had to have been some mistake. And woah, her eyes were so pretty.

"I'm Adam." I repeated, winking.

"Yeah, I caught that the first time, Adam." She said, pushing my hands away from her face before returning to her book.

"Woah. Okay, what was that? I don't get it." I mumbled. Sexily, though. I mumbled sexily.

"What don't you get?" She sighed, putting the book down.

"I mean, I've been blessed by God. You're supposed to like be kissing me on the ass right now." I said.

"You're so romantic. It's a wonder why I don't have the urge to put my face to your butt right at this second." She replied, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, I deserved that, but why aren't you bending to my will?"

"You're God's favorite boy. Guess what? I'm God's favorite girl." She smirked, leaning back against her chair.

"…You?"

"Me."

"Wait, if you're God's favorite girl, how come you don't have an audience following you around or anything?"

"I chose to revoke those powers. I purposely overslept and by the morning, the powers were gone. Turns out, it doesn't cause the world to explode if you miss the five a.m. wake up. You just… lose that weird ability. And I did it because getting whatever guy I wanted wasn't that fun after a while. It seemed kind of like a waste of time, if you ask me."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I mean, I guess I felt extremely lonely. I began to realize that all these people didn't really like me because, you know, I was me. They liked me because God willed it. You know?"

I did know. It was one of those things that I sometimes thought of when I was alone in my room, waiting for sleep to take me. I wondered a lot, actually.

"But what if... I mean, all the people that would've died to kiss you, they just don't give a damn about you anymore?"

"That did happen." She shrugged, giving me a gentle smile. "And it crushed me. Not because I lost their love, but because I realized that I never really had their love in the first place."

"Don't say that." I frowned, looking away from her. "Don't say things like that."

"It's true though, isn't it? When was the last time you had a conversation with someone and that conversation was spontaneous and interesting, not a conversation that you already planned out in your head?"

"…"

"And when was the last time you looked at someone and felt your heart leap a little at what they'd do when you said something or what they'd say if you did something? When was the last time you weren't completely sure what you felt for someone or what they felt for you and it was shocking and terribly scary but… really amazing?"

"…"

"And when was the last time someone told you they loved you and you felt like they really meant it?"

"Okay, so it's not the greatest power in the world. So what?"

"You're coming around to it now." She laughed, putting out her hand. "I'm Becky Baker."

"I'm Adam Torres." I responded, shaking her hand.

"I figured." She said before leaning forward and kissing me on the lips for a quick second.

"Woah, what was that?" I said, shocked.

I felt a smile coming on. I don't know exactly why, still can't figure it out exactly, but the kiss, no matter how short, felt completely different from anything I've ever felt. My heart was doing this weird thing I've never felt before and I was sure I was turning red. This wasn't cool, because I turn people red. I don't get… reddened.

"I mean, you were so insistent before. Now you don't want a kiss?"

I closed my eyes tight before opening them again and regaining my senses.

"Maybe a longer one." I said with a small smirk, despite the nervousness building up in my stomach.

"…Nah." She winked, standing from her chair and walking out of the library.

"Nah? All this buildup and just a nah?" I complained, throwing my hands to my head.

"Don't you want to experience the chase?" She smiled, winking at me before walking out of the library.

"Wait." I muttered, stopping her in her tracks.

"Hm?" She replied, turning back towards me.

"I really like you." I said, tapping my fingers nervously on the table. "I mean, I think. I mean, this is really weird for me. I don't get this nervous and fidgety really, at all to be honest, since I'm, you know, blessed by God and stuff, and I never feel this freaking unsure about anything ever and it's really weird but I don't know, I don't really want you to leave right now and if you do, I mean, will I see you again? Is there an again? Is there something here to have again? I don't know but, like, I'm really confused and I just… I just kinda wanna kiss you again."

"Breathe, Adam." She said, laughing at my anxiousness. "I kinda wanna kiss you again too."

She admitted, looking down a bit and turning a small shade of red. Although this was my first time seeing her any sort of nervous, I didn't feel that rush of superiority. I just felt really, really relieved, and maybe a little (a lot) excitement when she stepped forward towards me and grabbed me in a kiss.

So basically, I spent the night at a library.

Oh, and I overslept.

Didn't really matter, though, because since that first kiss with Becky, I don't think I ever noticed if the power was taken or not. I don't think I could've possibly seen any other girl but her.

So yeah, that's the true-somewhat-exaggerated tale of how your Mom turned a sexy, heaven-sent piece of man-meat into, well, a whipped young gent forced to tell you little boogers I reluctantly (The "reluctantly" is a joke by the way. Don't tell Mom.) call my children a bedtime story.

Now go to sleep already so Daddy break some more of God's rules with Mommy, alright? No, you don't have to know what that means. What do breasts mean? Oh, they're a… type of toy. Right. Now go sleep. What do you mean, tell it again?

Alright, alright, I'll tell it again, stop yelling. You'll wake up the neighbors.

So, I wake up exactly at five, not because I'm a morning person...