a lover

It's happened again. Many times. It all began three weeks ago. One long strange night. Robin felt so lonely and confused, empty. It was only a week after she broke up with Kevin, and she knew the reason, although if she tried to hide it also to herself. She was in love with the wrong guy. Barney Stinson. Her ex boyfriend. They didn't work out together, they are selfish and dysfunctional to each other. First of all he has a girlfriend now. A lovely woman, Nora. She acts like his mother and takes care of him. He changed a lot for her. Anyway he seems very happy with her, his life becomes quit and so normal when she's around. Robin Is her co-worker, she made sure that he met her, then encouraged him in this relationship. And now she hates Nora as much as herself to what she's done.

But this night, in his flat, the time seems to be stopped, all seems to be perfect, her mind is empty. Her heart beats strong, she is keeping him so close to shake his soul and inflame his body with the force of a storm. He's touching something behind her surface that scares her a lot. He didn't say a word but just kissed her all the time, she can feel his mouth softly on her, his hands that are sliding down her back. He smells good. His eyes are closed so he can't see her eyes, this is good because her eyes are full of tears, she doesn't know why.

Suddenly he tenderly hugs her close, deeply, like if she would be the only one. But she isn't. She isn't the most important in his heart, she isn't his girl, she isn't the 'one' that was made for him. She isn't nothing at all. She just has sex with him, because is better than nothing. Better than feel him far away, in another unreachable place where she doesn't exist. She's stuff that he uses when he wants, without worries about her. She isn't so fragile after all. She's strong and brave. Actually she isn't a girl. Doesn't she?

Instead to cry, she grabs his face to kiss him heavily, she takes him close to her like she doesn't want to let him go away this time. She doesn't want that also this time him comes back to her. He lied to Nora and he lied to her too. Maybe he's lying also to himself. Who knows. Stupid, idiot. She would to argue with him to screaming on his face all that she wants. But she can't. She love him desperately. Is it not pathetic? Maybe yes. She lets herself to pretend to be just a lover for him, a girl who doesn't like to create problems. A girl who have fun with, a girl who play with, together they can be just who they really are, with their flaws and their mistakes, without inhibitions. "Can be easy." She thought, but she's wrong. It's hurting so much, it's killing her. But he doesn't understands, insensitive bastard. He can't knows women 's feelings even if he has seduced a lot of them.

While they are doing it she is completely invaded by the pleasure together with the sadness, she can't restrain a sigh, she screams as usual, but she can't call his name, it's a word alien and brutal as a lie. They still can't talk or look in the eyes each other. As if orgasm is everything they have to say. While his body is filled with joy his heart has a wince and a shiver runs through it entirely. Her head on his shoulder. Maybe he has realized. He has known something is wrong. He has felt that something is changing. Does Robin put too much or too little passion? Does she keep him close with growing affection?

"This is crazy. We'll have to stop it. I'll marry in two months. You Know." He sounds serious when says something like these. To her he's just ridiculous. She hears him speaks about "How is worried about her". Liar. That "He doesn't want to hurt her like he did in the past." So liar. Then that "He has to go because she could be waiting for him". Damned Liar.

If she was smarter she would have chosen Ted. He's great, a romantic good boy. He would never do something like this. She could not behaves like that with him. He would have been perfect for her, but they want different things. She feels that she wants to talk to him right now, she wants to throw out all over with someone she trusts, but then she feels dirty, and she knows he wouldn't understand.

And she feels alone, totally. Although he is still there, he's staring at her as if he could takes some meaning in her eyes. she wants to cry a lot, but she can't, not in front of him, not so. She's actually angry with him but especially with herself.

She wonders how she becomes so ... maybe has she lost respect for herself? Why does it allow this? Why does it allow him all? He shouldn't always win, that's enough. It can't go in this way.

The course of his thoughts is interrupted by his unexpected kindness, he touches her face gently, he's apologizing, she can read it in his eyes. "I'm so sorry Robin. I don't want make you cry in this way. I don't know exactly the reason but I think I'm the guilty of your pains. I know it's hard but forgive me, if you can. Maybe not today, maybe one day…" He suddenly sounds really embarrassed and sad.

Robin realizes that she's crying, she's ashamed of herself. "It's not you, I mean, it's me, I'm strange, I can't pretend to be happy tonight. I can't. I don't want you to go away, not now, not in this way. I don't know, it's stupid because you are with another woman, you want to marry her, but…what about us?"

"…What about you!...Do You remember? Was just a game of seduction, you started first ...I didn't want…there was a deal. No feelings. Just physically emotions, just sex. "

Her cheeks blush, she feels so stupid ... "I know… but" … She can't speak more, her heart broke in pieces.

Suddenly she understands that it's true, he's right, she couldn't ask for anything more, he had not promised anything after all. She insisted to get him back in a desperate attempt to got close to him. She acted like a bitch. She had hurt Nora and she had hurt herself as well. This is the right punishment.

"I told you, Robin, you was playing with fire, and now you're sad and I feel guilty, because I have been to the game knowing that it was a mistake, but in spite of everything I can't stay away from you as I would like..." Him says.

"Maybe has it a meaning? Don't you think? After all, you are about to marry Nora, why are you with me tonight? Why your body wants mine so much? Ask yourself if you are enough brave to do it." Now she raises his voice and tears are flowing on her face.

He's actually angry now, maybe furious, He clearly wants to leave. He put his clothes on and stands up in front of her.

"Why are you doing this to me? I thought we were friends first of all. Don't you want to see me happy? We can't be together, we have just tried and we failed, have you forget? I'm not the right guy for you. I'm not good enough. I'm not Ted. Nobody can be like Ted for you, don't you?" He's also screaming too.

"Two simple friends don't have sex. Two friends aren't looking at each other with the same intensity with which we do…I don't know what you mean about Ted …He has nothing to do with this. We broke up years ago, are you jealous?" She sobs then goes on. "I want you are happy, but why with her? You made any change for her, you won every difficult, you made everything possible to her. You forgot yourself and your life style. You became different, you want to be a better man for her…" She's just stops her words. She can't go on. She can't make the 'question': "why you didn't try so hard with me too? Why you didn't do the same things for me? "She could be like an egoistic child.

She stares on the ground instead, without emotions, she's almost trembling. She realizes it's cold in the room. It's probably the atmosphere that it's created between them. She grabs his shirt from the seat and wears it quickly because she suddenly feels naked, not only physically, she's ashamed, she's defeated.

He looks so different now, in silence, as if he's waiting for her surrender. He has a smile on his lips, a sad grin. he observes her, he's waiting for her next move. She doesn't want to be seen naked a moment longer, she finds her jeans and she wears them too.

He seems honest now while he's speaking about the other girl. "It's all true, so what? She s' sweet and wonderful with me, she makes me loved, she protects me, she gives me the power to win myself, to do better. She's taking care of me like I'm the perfect man. But I don't, we both know this. I'm an asshole. A terrible person if compared with her. She's so perfect, so good in everything she does. And what about me? I'm a stupid that cheats her with one of my best friends."

"actually you're not as good as a boyfriend, you know? … But you're not so bad after all." She's kidding and sadly smiling at him. If this continues he will understand what she truly feels for him, she can't admit it openly, not when he speaks of another girl in that way, and then the emotions aren't stuff for her. So she jokes in order to change the atmosphere between them. She's found her self control, she feels a little calmer now.

He pretends to smile, sighs, sits on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands, he seems so tired. It's seems that it's not only hurting her, if she changes point of view, she can see the shadows on his heart. She thinks she crossed the line, in the end she feels as guilty as him.

"This is why we can't work out, it's always a fight with you…it's so complicated…but with her it's just calm and happiness. You know? But I really take care of you. You are my bro, my best friend, the most beautiful sexy woman I've ever known. The most strong and brave. Why are you acting like this? Do you seem to have some feelings for me… isn't It? You can be honest, if you want to…" he holds her hand, she's on her knees near to him now. She can't be honest if he still prefers someone else. She is so good to denial his real feelings that now is became an habit for her.

"No, no, no…I'm just, you know, nostalgic or something like that, I confess that sometime you miss me a lot…that's all, nothing more…" She laughs, she's pretending to be someone else.

"Scherbatsky this is really weird from you!" He seems amused, perhaps surprised by her words. He wants to say something, it seems important but it's lost in the space of a moment. His cell phone rings. Once, twice, three times. And Robin is annoying to see how he answers, calmly, without hesitation, for a moment she gets angry again, then forget it. It doesn't matter. He's telling a fantastic story about a business trip or something like that ... he tells Nora that soon he will be back and they can see each other. When he closes the call she is turned, she's picked up the bag and the rest of her stuffs, this time she'll go first.

"Well, bye, see you at McLaren's," she doesn't turn to look at him, because she knows that she can shatter herself If she does, she walks faster to the lobby. She slams the door and go out. He didn't say a word, he only looked at her when she leaved. This time he couldn't blame her.