Teach Me how to Feel

Authors Notes: This is a story I wrote a long time ago, back when I was suffering through depression- I've updated and revised it to (hopefully) make it a better/ more cannon read. Depression and suicide are considered taboo by many and because of it lives that shouldn't be lost are. I've lost 2 friends to suicide, one of them just a few months ago, which prompted me to write this story again. Please, please, please, if you are suffering tell someone, write it in a story, poem or journal, and don't keep it inside. There's help out there and wether you believe it or not, people DO care.

This is for Ryan and Blair; I wish it could have been different, For Michael; who understood and helped me heal, and for Robbie for watching and protecting me from relapse.

Sometimes I cut myself just to feel the pain
Alone at night I watch the falling rain
Without you is my life worth living
You showed me what it is to feel
Now can't you help me heal.

He watched the blood weal up from the incision he had made across his forearm, felt the sting of the cold metal- its cool hateful embrace and he felt he deserved it. Since the end of their relationship he had felt numb. He was no longer Draco Malfoy, leader of the Slytherins. He was no longer committed the sins of which his first education had disposed him, but he still had his sins.

He had been running, running away from the Dark Lord, running away for his father and more importantly running away from himself. She had every reason to hate him, to turn him in, or to take revenge on him herself, instead somehow her soul had understood his in a way that didn't translate into words.

Remember the night you held me so close
you took away my fears
your arms my shelter from the world
you brushed away my tears

People- until she had taught him otherwise- had been a means to an end. He used them to gain sex, money and power. She had showed him that ending his own life would be a permanent, unchangeable solution to what was a temporary problem.

For reasons he couldn't understand she had loved him, she had taught him what love was, he had just never learnt to love someone else properly.

You showed me what it is to love
Can you heal my broken heart
Because I know without you near me
My world will fall apart
I'm broken can't you help me heal
I crave your loving touch

His need for her had become insatiable, his want for her uncontrollable. Then she was the one running. Saving herself from a relationship that would have destroyed her. Then the war came and she was gone, and he was now, more than ever truly alone. Before her he hadn't known any better, his solitude was welcomed, now he knew life outside of solitude and he wished he didn't have that knowledge.

Off in my own world again
yet for once here I feel alone
my life is overwhelming me
can't you take away the pain?
I'm longing to be free once more
Can you unlock my gilded cage
Help me find my wings again
My heart is filled with rage.

He wasn't sure how to be anymore, he didn't know who he was without her and he hated that. He hated those simpering fools who needed someone to 'complete' them. He hated himself, he hated his guilt, he hated not knowing exactly what he wanted when he wanted it, and he hated his weakness. He wished she could still be here to teach him again. This time he would learn.

I need you near me
I need you in my life
I can't face the day without you
My being is wrought with strife
Teach me what it is to feel again
I'm longing for it please
Show me how to love you
I'm begging on my knees

He slashed more viciously, revealing in the action, rejoicing in the harsh sting, the satisfying deserved pain. Deeper this time, feeling the blood flow out with his life.

Sometimes I cut myself just to feel the pain
Its the only feeling I know
Sometimes I watch the falling rain
because I know what it is to fall
I've lived my life alone
But now I'm longing for your love
Can you teach me what it is to feel.

He could almost feel her now, his souls felt like it was awakening even as his body was dying.

Without you is my life worth living?

Ginny….

A/N: The story may pose the question without you is my life worth living- the answer is always yes. Hard as it is to see, somewhere out there is hope, don't give up on it.