I've died – again.
You'd think I would have gotten used to this by now, being stuck in limbo, somewhere between life and death. All in a day's work, I tell myself, though this is meant to stave off the pain that comes with knowing I can never die, more than anything. I'm always waiting it seems – waiting to live, waiting to die, waiting to sleep, waiting to dream. And as I wait, I'm forced to remember.
Captain Jack – I think of his hand in mine, fingers interlocked, the sparks of passion, the almost-involuntary shudder I gave at the knowledge that this man was going to die come morning and all that we had was the one night. Could anyone blame me, then, for being reluctant to leave? I knew what he'd be facing, and I knew that he would die alone. That's the worst way to go – and I should know, considering how many times I've died. Though death has come to lose its meaning over the years, my first death will always be what stands out in my mind. I was defending the Doctor, buying him what time I could. But in the end, it didn't matter. I stood alone, facing down a Dalek's laser and being blasted into the wall behind me. Then, the next thing I knew, my eyes were open and I was gasping for air. Staggering to my feet, my first thought was that I was alone. That had been what had always made an impression on me – there being no one to cry over me or to mourn my passing, no one to care. And I'd be damned – which is questionable, considering I might already be – before I let my Jack go through what I did. I may not be able to prevent his death, but I will give him the best send off I'm capable of. And afterwards, I will do my best to always bring honor to his name by living life to its fullest.
Tosh – She's always been there for everyone, through everything. She'll go the extra distance to see that the entire team makes it out alive and in one piece. She's been in situations that no one should have to deal with. She told me once about how she'd had to run through the woods in the dark, with her hands tied behind her back, to escape the psychopaths threatening to kill her and Ianto. She said that she was both afraid and, at the same time, she wasn't. She was afraid in the moment, but she had faith that I would come. You always come, she told me. You'll never leave us alone. I bowed my head to hide the tears that threatened to spill down my face and stain my cheeks with their wetness, for her faith in me reminds me of my faith in the Doctor. How many times have I convinced myself that he'll come for me? He'll arrive, like the Oncoming Storm, and he'll fix me. Then I'll be able to die for good. But that's beside the point. You know, I've only ever seen Tosh cry once. It was after I'd destroyed Mary, the alien. We were sitting outside the Hub talking. I remember making some joke about what normal bosses might do in a situation like ours, what consequences there might be. It was at that time that a single tear – just one – slipped down her cheek, leaving a shimmering trail behind. I caught it with my finger, and as I did so, my heart broke for Tosh. She'd been in love, and she'd been happy. Love suited her, and I'd taken that away. Yet she stood by me, never questioning my decision, always trusting me to do right by her.
Owen – He shot me, he killed me, and I forgive him. End of story. He's been under a lot of pressure lately, which I can understand. When those three passengers came through the Rift, he fell in love, yet he had to let her go. That had to have been the hardest decision of his life, and since then, he seems to be on a downward spiral, almost as though he would welcome his demise. When I saw him standing in that cage with the Weevil, doing absolutely nothing to defend himself, I swear that my heart stopped beating. He's like a son to me, and I would never wish what he does. Death is final, after all. There's no return, unless you're me, of course. And there can only be one Jack Harkness. There are those, maybe within my own team, who might wonder how I can so easily forgive a man whose intention was to kill me. The answer is easy: it's because of the Doctor. Everything always comes back to him, doesn't it? It's because of the Doctor that I reinvented Torchwood. I did so in his honor. He's my hero, and I try to act as he would wish me to. It's because of the Doctor that I carry on living, in the hopes that one day, he'll return for me. I don't blame Owen for anything, though I'm sure he blames me for saving him and for firing him. That was rash, I'll admit. But he was jeopardizing everything that I and others before me had stood for. And I couldn't allow our hard work to be wasted. Everything's for the Doctor, after all.
Ianto – I honestly don't know why he stays. We all treat him like shit. We talk down to him … we disregard his opinions and suggestions. And he just stands there and takes it? He's loyal to a fault, to both his colleagues and his boss. Go figure, I'd have to recruit another me. He made a mistake in hiding Lisa in the basement, but everyone's entitled to a little slip-up now and then. I'm certainly no saint, however much he may think I am. Why? That always seems to be the question. Why do he and others like him continue to admire and respect me? I held a gun to his head, for crying out loud! I forced him to his knees with his hands behind his head – the most vulnerable I could possibly make him – and said that I wouldn't hesitate to shoot. What kind of a person does that make me? Yet he's still ready and willing to fight for me, defending me with every breath he takes. Could it be? Can he really love me?
Gwen – Her humanity is what drew me to her – and her curiosity, let's not forget that. I remember the first time I ever saw her. It was pouring down rain, and there she was, in her bright neon coat, just watching us work. When I next looked, she was in the parking garage, up above. After that, her insatiable thirst for knowledge drove her to track us down. That was impressive. When she showed up at our base, even though she was scared that I was going to do her in, or something equally as gruesome, she still followed me. And I knew then that she always would. Now I know how the Doctor feels when he's confronted with a pretty face. He wants to share his world with her, so he invites her along, luring her in with promises of traveling to the stars. But it's dangerous. Yet his companions' faith and hope in his ability to save everyone is what keeps them coming back for more. Now I also know how the Doctor feels when, time after time, his companion always seems to choose someone else over him. That's what happened to me: Gwen chose Rhys. Not me, never me. I couldn't save him, and she blamed me. She had every right to, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt – her words, the accusations she threw my way. What's the fucking point of you? I know that those words will haunt me for the rest of my existence. Yet I can't fault her for following her heart, just as I couldn't fault her for letting Suzie manipulate her. Though I was disappointed, I understood. I think that's what's worse, sometimes, when you understand a person's actions, yet that understanding isn't able to erase the hurt you feel at what they've done.
I get so tired of it all, sometimes – life, just … everything. And I find myself wishing for a permanent end – one that I know will never come.
As Gwen's lips touch mine, I can't help but smile at how careful she is with me, as though I'm going to break. I love her, I can admit that to myself, now that she's chosen another. I can let myself go around her, knowing, all the while, that she won't judge. She'll just laugh and smile at me, the light in her eyes brightening ever-so slightly. She's the reason I let the Abaddon feed off of my life-force. As much as everything I do is for the Doctor, so do I act for her sake. And I always will. She forgives me, and that is all the salvation I will ever need.
"Thank you," I whisper, for her ears alone to hear.