First of all, lots of thanks to everyone who reviewed my last story! Here's the songfic I mentioned in the last chapter. It was inspired by Song for an Angel, by StarTraveler. After I read that, I began searching for a song that might explain Jim's feelings for Spock. One day while I was listening to this song I thought it worked well with the scenario of a new relationship. This is basically Jim's thoughts as he listens to a song I was forced to learn in school and grew to love. In case you haven't figured it out yet, this is slash. If you don't like it, don't bother reading it and don't bother me about it! As always, I'm rating somewhat high out of caution, even if the hints of more mature things are barely there. I don't own Star Trek or this song. It's my first songfic, possibly my only, so please be gentle!
For the Longest Time
Jim lay on his bed in his quarters. He hadn't had a break in a while and he had finally finished enough paperwork to be able to rest for a while. He had removed his shoes, socks, and gold uniform top, resting in his pants and black undershirt. All he wanted right now was to lose himself in twentieth century music and relax. As the classic channel played one old song after another, he began listening to one that he didn't recognize.
Woa, oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woa, oh, oh
For the longest
If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time
That first verse made him think about Spock. They'd just started dating, and it was going slower than any other relationship he'd ever had. Not that he'd had many. They hadn't had sex yet. They barely even kissed the human or Vulcan way. Their dates had been strangely formal. Spock would come to his hall door, not the one that led to their shared bathroom, to pick him up. They'd had said dates in the mess hall, on the observation deck, and even at a nice restaurant during their last shore leave. They'd gone to a ship's movie night together, and shared a bag of popcorn. He still wasn't quite sure what to make of all that. He was used to being wooed (if you'd call it that) by people who were only interested in one thing, and thought the same of him. This was new territory for him. All in all though, things seemed to be going well. And he couldn't help but think that that was because even if the relationship ended, at least at this point, he knew he'd continue to get support and inspiration from Spock. Thoughts like that were actually helping him get past his initial uncertainty.
Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's where you found me
When you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time
Jim's reputation (horribly exaggerated as it was) had clearly scared Spock off at first. Jim in turn had been reluctant to get his hopes up again after one heartbreak too many. Innocence was about more than just virginity and inexperience. A lot of people didn't seem to realize that innocence was also about how someone perceived and approached the world around them based on personal experience, and Jim thought his was gone after knowing so many people who could care less about his feelings, whether it was his own family or the strangers who constantly propositioned him. He'd become very cynical where personal relationships were concerned. Both he and Spock needed a lot of encouragement before they could think of making a move. During their first date, Spock had assured Jim that he would not hold his 'previous promiscuity' against him. Jim had not known Spock well enough then to not take offense to this, which led to him angrily telling Spock a few actual facts about his sex life and a profuse apology from Spock. After that, they'd continued on to the next date, which was in a sense a fresh start for Jim, because now Spock had the facts, not just the rumors. After that, having Spock stick around having seen him in a different light, Jim began to feel a strange excitement within himself that he almost couldn't remember feeling before.
I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you
And how you needed me too
That hasn't happened for the longest time
He and Spock really did need each other. Spock had revealed his knowledge of his other self when Jim had accidently let something slip about him and tried (badly) to cover it up. He also told him what his elder self had said about them needing each other. Jim knew this to be true. He and Spock, once they stopped tip-toeing around each other, had both been able to see what a great team they made as long as they listened to and respected each other.
Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far
And it's more than I hoped for
Jim really wasn't sure that a relationship could last between him and Spock. He knew from stuff that seemed to come back to him after the meld on Delta Vega that the other Kirk and Spock had been together, and that their relationship had not always been very strong. If that Spock could at one point in their relationship run away from a Kirk who seemed so perfect, especially compared to him, then what chance did he have with the younger Spock, who wasn't all that different than his counterpart had been at that age? But, at the same time, they were both being very careful, and Jim found that without realizing it, he'd allowed himself to want this more than any other relationship he'd had. That had to count for something.
Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time
If Spock did get tired of him and move on, he had feeling he would be sorry. It had happened so many times that he was used to it, but for the first time in years, he'd made a real connection with someone, and it felt good. Sure, if they broke up at this point, they'd be able to still act professional and probably still be friends, but he had a feeling that there'd be at least a little regret on both sides.
I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself
Hold on to your heart
Now I know the woman that you are
You're wonderful so far
And it's more than I hoped for
Jim chuckled when he heard that part. Spock was all male, from the glimpses he'd caught in the gym and their bathroom, but the verse still rang true. He'd had reservations about getting involved with a crew member, especially one he'd gotten off to such a rocky start with. There were no rules against a captain and first officer dating, but it wasn't exactly encouraged either, due to the potentially negative effects. His fear of more emotional pain had also held him back. But despite their slow pace, he knew Spock so much better now. He knew Spock was one of the best people he'd ever met and that he wouldn't try to hurt him deliberately. Being around Spock, whether it was on the bridge, on a mission, or in their quarters gave Jim a kind of secure feeling that his life had lacked for so long. He had never expected to find that in a romantic relationship, having forced to be the strong one so often in the past.
I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time
Jim found that the more time he spent with Spock, the more he wanted from him, and the more he wanted to give of himself. He knew that if they allowed this to negatively affect their duties, it could mean very bad things for their careers. But if it meant that Spock had feelings for him that were anywhere near as strong the ones he'd seen in the other Spock's eyes, he was willing to take the chance. He'd been reckless in the past, destroying property, risking his life over temporary situations, and just being too hot-headed for his own good, but now he really had something that was worth a few risks. And if it could be as good for them as some of the strange 'flashbacks' promised, he was going to do his best to make it work this time. He lay back and listened to the refrain repeat and fade away.
Woa, oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woa, oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woa, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woa, oh, oh,
For the longest time
He heard the chime of his door and turned off the radio.
"Come in." The door hissed open and revealed Spock. Oh yeah, they'd planned to have dinner on the observation deck tonight. Spock stepped in, letting the doors close behind him. He took in Jim's state of undress and asked,
"Did you forget about our arrangement for this evening?" Jim winced at the minute amount of hurt in Spock's expression.
"I'm sorry Spock." He said. "I was just so tired after shift, and I finally got my paperwork done for the next week, and-" Spock cut him off.
"If you are fatigued, we may simply eat in here." Jim stared at him. Spock had seemed determined that all their dates take place in public areas. He knew it had something to do with Vulcan courtship, and some rule about it being improper to spend too much time alone with the person you were courting. But Spock was human too. Hence the dating activities he'd selected. To be honest, Jim would love the chance to have some time alone with Spock, but he needed to be certain of something.
"Are you sure? It's…not too soon or anything?" Spock's eyes softened a bit.
"I see not harm in us simply taking a meal in the privacy of your quarters, Jim." Jim smiled.
"Okay then." They were still taking things slowly, but they were making progress.
A few months later when they melded for the first time, one of the memories Jim showed Spock was of that day, and his thoughts while that song had played. Spock would never admit to following such a silly human dating tradition as having a special song, but he always seemed to smile a bit with his eyes when Jim hummed it to himself on and off duty, and it was the first song they danced to at their wedding after only a few more months. Uhura sang it for them, making sure to change one certain word. There were already enough jokes about which one of them was the 'wife' in the relationship. And as they danced to their song (because it totally was 'their song') Jim knew the lyrics still rang true. They needed each other, and it was the closest thing to a miracle Jim had ever known.
I think this song describes the kind of relationship I wanted for this fic really well. The relationship they have here is new, kind of at the point where they could probably end the romance while still preserving their friendship. They both have their doubts and reasons to call it off while there's still time. But at the same time, the relationship appears very promising, causing them both to be reluctant to give up on it. I know I didn't really give any details about Jim's romantic life before Spock, but it kind of isn't supposed to matter because this is like his fresh start, you know? I also wanted to make him not quite as fast and loose as the movie implies, as well as skittish about getting too close to someone. Hope you liked it!