Ratrace
"Hello and good day, I'm Lee Jordan. In today's race we've got Harry Potter! Lord Voldemort! Albus Dumbledore! Sirius Black! Remus Lupin! Nymphadora Lupin!"
There is a cry of, "Don't call me Nymphadora!"
"Sorry Tonks! Anyway, here's Bellatrix Lestrange! Antoine Dolohov! Severus Snape! Ron Weasley! Hermione Granger! George Weasley! Fred Weasley! Neville Longbottom! Luna Lovegood! Dolores Umbridge! Aaaand Cornelius Fudge!"
The crowd goes wild as the contestants line up. The starter raises his wand and red sparks shoot out with a bang.
"And, they're off! Voldemort's in the lead, closely followed by Potter! But Dumbledore is coming up fast! Next it's Lestrange! Snape! Black! Lupin! Lupin! Ganger! Weasley! Weasley! Weasley! Dolohov! Longbottom! Lovegood! Umbridge! Fudge!
"Black has passed Snape and is coming up on Lestrange. . . and I can't believe it! Black has tripped over his own cloak! He's hopelessly tangled! Snape kicks him off the track as he passes! Black is out of the race!
"Granger and Weasley have stopped! They appear to be arguing about something! Now they're. . . oh, get a room you two. Dolohov passes Granger and Weasley!
"Mrs. Lupin trips! Mr Lupin, always the gentleman, has stopped to help her up. . . and DOLOHOV BOWLS THEM OVER!
"There's something going on in the front! Voldemort has conjured a broom! But Potter won't have that! He has summoned his own broom from his dormitory! Umbridge intervenes! Potter and Voldemort are flying backwards!
"Weasley has tripped over the Lupins, and Weasley has stopped to help his twin! Meanwhile, Snape has passed Lestrange, and is catching up with Dumbledore! What's he doing with that cauldron. . . ooh! Dumbledore's head is going to be ringing for days. . . hold on! SNAPE IS IN THE LEAD!
"But Voldemort won't have that! He has set a snake on Snape! Snape transfers his memories to Potter! How did he do it? I don't know!
"Wait, where did Umbridge go? Who cares?
"Look here, Longbottom's got a hold of a sword (where did he get that from?) and his chopping the snake in half! And Potter's lain down in Voldemort's path and – watch out! Ouch, that was some back flip! I can't believe it folks, but VOLDEMORT IS OUT OF THE RACE!
"The finish line is coming up! Our first place winner is. . . Luna Lovegood?"