I got really bored so I wrote a one shot about what I imagine

Alec is going through as he watches Jace go off with other people

while he still loves him. Don't like don't read.

Oh and btw I don't TMI so like, I don't know, don't sue I guess.

I watch as his golden head disappears in the darkness to meet some new girl that he will never be able to care about. Just so he can get rid of the pain, the pain I could so easily take away if he'd just let me. But he won't, he never will. You see Jace is to self-aware to even notice what's going around him, to notice me.

Sure we see each other everyday passing by in the halls of the institute, sparring, hunting. And he sees me, but he never really sees me. When he looks at me he sees a quiet, shy, dark haired boy that he calls step-brother. And sure, I guess I am all of those things, but those aren't the things I want him to see. I want him to see that I love him.

But he never will, he refuses too. I don't know if it's because he can't handle that I love him, or that I'm gay in the first place, but either way he refuses to see it. So I am forced to watch him everyday, throwing his life away on meaningless girls, putting his life in danger because he doesn't care. Because he doesn't know that I care.

I suppose that's probably my fault, huh? I can't help it though, how do you tell your best friend, your only friend for that matter, that your head-over-heels in love with him. I couldn't bear to see his face as it contorted in disgust as he pushed me away from him. He would never speak to me, never look at me and then he wouldn't have the chance to really see me. I couldn't ruin that chance however small it may be. Because lets face it, it's all I have to hold on to and I'm afraid that if I let go I'll have nothing left.

I probably sound pathetic, but you've never met Jace. He's just so perfect in every way. He's the best shadowhunter of his time, maybe ever, and he knows it. He's amazingly good-looking with curly blonde hair that looked absolutely silky smooth and eyes that look like their smoldering. The worst part is that he knows, he knows how amazing his and that allows him to put on this air of cockiness. Truly I'm jealous of him, the way he can face anything without flinching because he can. Because he's Jace.

He acts like an ass, but I know that he's just acting. I've seen those eyes that always look like he knows some secret joke, turn soft. I've seen him look with such kindness on others. If Max or Izzy or even me gets hurt he's immediately on the scene to make sure were okay. Even though he says he doesn't care I know he does, I just don't know how much.

Even if he did care, if he really did love me, it wouldn't be enough. Jace prides himself on being a shadowhunter, that's all I know. If the council even thought for a second that we loved each other more than step-siblings, they would kick us out without even a second look. We would be shunned and I knew that he wouldn't be able to handle it. There's no way. I hope though, indulge in fantasies and day dreams of the day that we could be together. The day that Jace would return my feelings and that would be okay, that would be enough.

But then reality hits and I know, deep down I understand that it will never happen. It's just simply to impossible, ridiculous even. Because even though Jace is always out with meaningless girls, they are always girls. I guess you could call that another strainer on our...relationship, whatever it is. I wonder if it would hurt less, if the girls he was out with actually meant something to him. Probably not though, it would make it worse. Knowing that he picked her over me.

The pain crushes me enough already. Like a pressure that is always on my chest, suffocating me. Keeping me away from the thing I need desperately, Jace. It's a wonder that Jace doesn't see the longing in my eyes every time I look at him, the pain. I am forced to look at him in all his glory everyday, without being able to touch, to feel, to smell, to know absolutely. I will never get that, I will never get my happy ending that I so dream about.

But I know how what would happen if I gave in to my desires. I would lean in and place my palm on his face, caressing the soft skin. Relishing in the feeling of the slight stubble tickling my hand.

I would say, "I love you."

And he would say, "I know."