Title: Between Crabapple Cove & Korea
Summary: Hawkeye Pierce lost himself in Korea, but when he returns home after the war, he loses something even more valuable to him. But he's able to take something tragic and start to turn his whole life around.
Notes: Inspired by the fact I wanted to turn TV Hawkeye into the guy from the book, even if in just a tiny way.

Between Crabapple Cove and Korea, he lost himself.

I don't think he even knows how much he's changed since he's been away, but I see it. I live with it everyday and while I understand that a war changes a person, his reluctance to truly let me into what happened make it impossible for us to connect like we used to. There's a constant barricade between us and it's one he's put there.
I don't blame him, not in anyway. I know he's trying to spare me the pain he's been through, I just wish I could help him.

I know I have no right to ask this of you, but I just want to try and understand what my son went through in Korea. As a father, I'm sure you understand this. I also know you were a great friend and mentor to my son and if this request makes you uncomfortable, I understand and respect that decision.

Give my regards to your wife, Mildred. I still remember what a great dancer she was and I'm hoping that you two are getting the chance to enjoy those dances together now that the war is over.

Sincerely,

Daniel Pierce.

Hawkeye folded the unsent letter back up and hid it away back in the envelope.

He felt tears prick his eyes, but he blinked them away. Now wasn't the time.

He put the letter back in the box and put the box back onto the shelf in his father's wardrobe, closing the door quickly, as though that would erase all traces of the letter.

He regretted that his father was so worried about him that he'd written to his war buddies to try and find out what was wrong with him. But he'd never found out what had been on Hawkeye's mind constantly since returning from the war. 'And now he never would', Hawkeye thought.
That hurt him more than he through possible, but he was also relieved. His father had become so ill that knowing the truth would have just caused him more stress and worry. And despite what was written in the letter to Sherman Potter, Hawkeye knew that while he cared for his father, their bond strengthened again. Hawkeye started to put Korea behind him and concentrate on his father and his life in Crabapple Cove.
'Now' became much more important than 'then'.

He knew what he went through in Korea would forever define who he was, but he started to realise that he was letting it control his life. It had threatened his relationship with his father and although he'd never realised it until recently, it had possibly cost him his relationships he'd forged with the people he'd been through that war with.

He'd had little or no contact with any of them. He'd had a message or two scribbled down by his Father from BJ, asking him to call back when he could, and he'd never called back. They'd been planning a reunion just over a year after the war. Klinger and Soon Li had returned to America for a welcome home after they'd successfully located her parents and this had proved to be enough for everyone to gather. Hawkeye had made his excuses to BJ and sent the letter off, trying to think no more of it. The lame excuses and feeble lies. BJ called him on it in his next letter but there was almost a pleading in the letter for him to call him, to write to him. Responding took more courage than Hawkeye had and BJ's letter ended up in the bin.

As far as he was aware, the reunion happened without him. He didn't hear from anyone. And then his father started to become poorly.

He wasn't sure when everything started to make sense again, but it was as though he just woke up to things and saw everything differently.

Maybe it was the realisation he had deep down that his Father was dying. That the time he wasted ignoring BJ and the others from the 4077th was maybe time he would never be able to reclaim.

So late one night, he spent hours writing to all of his close friends from the 4077th. He gave them details of what he'd been doing and how he had needed some time to adjust before he could write to them. He tried to tell them as much about his life as he could without going into too much detail and he asked them about all the important things in their lives.

He never mentioned his father's health to any of them though. It somehow felt wrong. Although one night when his father was very sick, he spent the whole night sat up watching over him in case he was needed and he wrote what he would assume in retrospect was quite a rambling letter to Charles. Much like he'd confided in him back in Korea when his father had been going for an operation, he told Charles all about his father's illness. He barely remembered finishing it, or when exactly he sent it, but a week later he got a reply from Charles, filled with support and understanding and a bond between them that was strange and he was sure neither could explain, but writing to Charles about this felt right. He didn't get overly sentimental letters back. He felt comforted and reassured by Charles' response and more understanding than he'd ever expected.

It helped him more than Charles could possibly know.

In his Father's final days, when he was his weakest and Hawkeye could almost feel his life ebbing away, he would think back to some of the words in Charles' letters and he'd find strength within it. Within himself. 'Stay strong for your Father, Pierce. Let him know of that love for him you spoke of in Korea. Let him know of it every waking moment so that he's never in doubt.'

He took Charles words to heart. He was there as much as he possibly could be, until the end. He held his Father's hand when he finally faded, when he lost his fight. Watching him go had giving him the strangest sense of serenity and utter grief. At the end, their seemed to be no pain for his Father any more and there was something that came over him, like peace just before he passed. He probably spent the rest of the day in shock, numbly going through routine. Once the night descended, grief over took him and he slept an exhausted sleep.

And now here he was. The day before his Father's funeral and every time he tried to sort things out and get his life back in some sort of order, he'd stumble with even the most simple of tasks. He'd been trying to clear some things from his Father's room but he never got very far. He'd managed to strip the bed off and clear out the bedside cabinet. He was starting to think that maybe he should give himself a little more time to adjust before he attempted the wardrobe again.

A knock at the door snapped him from his thoughts. He expected a neighbour or patient of his Father's come to pay their respect, which he'd had to deal with since the news spread. He ran his hand through his hair, hoping it would help him appear less frazzled than he felt.

He opened the door to find BJ Hunnicutt stood there.

TBC