AUTHOR'S NOTE: Before we begin, there are a few things I'd like to say.

First of all, I'm not dead. I don't know if some of you thought I was, but I breathe yet.

Secondly, I know I said at the end of Blooper Mario Sunshine that I would be doing only one-shots, but consider this a special exception. I had to get it out of my system, so here it is.

Thirdly, this fanfic is much shorter than Blooper Mario Sunshine, so each update is expected to take place in a week's time. At its current rate, this should wrap up in no later than two months. (Updating on time for once? What sacrilege is this?)

Fourthly, this fanfic is written in a similar dialogue-focused style to Blooper Mario Sunshine: character names will be written in bold to indicate who's speaking, and italic will be used to indicate non-character speech. This style of writing allows me to focus on dialogue and other quirks more directly than my normal writing pattern.

Finally, you will see little reminders at the bottom of each chapter with links to other media I'm affiliated with, like a website and a blog. If you like my work, you'd probably enjoy the other outlets as well.

Alright, I've jabbered on enough. Let's cut to Luigi's trials on Mini-Game Island.

A red-shelled Koopa stands on an isolated beach, gazing out over the far blue waters. He starts to fall asleep, but his eyes "poing" back open when he notices a strange silhouette on the horizon. He forms a visor over his eyes with his hand to see what it is.

Koopa: Hey, there's a raft out there in the ocean... Is that...?

The Medallion Calls from the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack plays as the shadows lift to reveal Luigi, standing tall and majestic, the wind blowing through his hair and plastering a starfish onto his face. Annoyed, he pulls it off and throws it back into the drink.

Koopa: It's Luigi! Luigi is riding on the raft and coming this way!

Luigi: Where do I park?

Koopa: Eh? There's someone else on the raft besides Luigi...

Luigi: Oh, him.

Koopa: It looks like...

The raft turns to show a green-faced Mario leaning over the side of the raft. He lifts his head just enough to look in the general direction of the beach.

Koopa: Yes, it's Mario! It looks like Mario is behind Luigi.

Luigi: Do you just run on canned dialogue?

And behind Mario is a giant raft housing the Pirates of the Caribbean orchestra, but they are forced to quiet their music as Luigi's raft hits the beach sand and comes to a halt. Luigi hauls Mario off the raft, then turns around and presses a button on a key fob in his hand. A two-note beep is heard as the raft locks itself. Satisfied, Luigi faces Koopa again.

Koopa: Welcome to Mini-Game Island.

Luigi: You wouldn't believe how hard it is to sail a hundred and fifteen miles using only a collection of logs roped together. Trust me, it feels good to be here.

Koopa: Shall I explain this island to you?

Luigi: Sure.

Koopa: Beans.

For a moment, the only sound is the pounding of the waves on the beach. Luigi stares at Koopa for awhile.

Koopa: That's all the explanation I can give you. Make of it what you will.

Luigi: I was kind of hoping you'd give me something a bit more substantial.

Koopa: Oh...? Oh! Sorry, I took a poll of the island once, and one of the questions was "Describe this island in one word."

Luigi: And you chose...beans.

Koopa: It's a long story. I'm guessing you already know the basics of the island. But first, I must know why you are here.

Luigi: I have journeyed from afar to seek spiritual enlightenment and self-discipline through this island's training program. I have cowered from Boos and been the avatar of Player 2 for too long, and now I shall wash it away and clothe myself in bravery. Also, I came here for your Famous Tropical Island Hot Dogs. [holds out a coupon with a hot dog on it]

Koopa: Oh. That closed down three months ago.

Luigi: [wearing a crestfallen expression] What?

Koopa: Yeah, something about a contract dispute between the hot dog stand and World 8. Sorry.

Luigi: But that's 90% of the reason I came here!

Koopa: And your coupon is way expired.

Mario: Spiritual enlightenment was only 5%. Don't ask me what the other 5% is.

Mario's stomach makes an unsettling rumbling sound as he leans down to the waves again. Koopa looks at him in pity and slight revulsion.

Koopa: What happened to him?

Luigi: He's fine. He's just paranoid since his last visit to an island. Never wanted to talk about it much. But what about the hot dogs? This is an island! Don't you at least have a hidden stash somewhere?

Koopa: Not to my knowledge. Also, I need to do this.

The Koopa presses a button disguised in a nearby bush. The raft explodes, showering them with wood and ash and sending up a towering pillar of water.

Luigi: What was that all about?!

Koopa: It's part of the spiritual awakening. With no return, your only choice is to go forward.

Mario: [with a blackened face and blown-back hair] Guys? I think I just went blind.

Luigi: Could you have told me of this before I decided to come here?

Koopa: Well, that's the thing. We've never had anybody come out here for the training program before. We didn't think anyone would be stupid enough to do it.

Luigi: I'm the smartest of all the six party-goers! The instruction manual even says so!

Koopa: Even geniuses can make mistakes. Look at Einstein and his hair.

Luigi: I guess there's no going back now, huh? So what do I do first?

Koopa: Well, there IS a way out, but you must complete the trials of the island first. Do you see that big blue spot further into the island?

Luigi leans past Koopa and glances through the bushes and palm trees to see a blue circle on the ground. What looks like a bunch of orange cubes hovering over the grass are situated to the right of it.

Luigi: Yeah, looks like one of the blue spaces on the Board Maps. I'm going to need a little more than three coins to make it home safely.

Koopa: Actually, this comes more from your 2D platform adventures. You know, Super Mario Bros., Super Mario World...?

Luigi: [glares at Mario] I wouldn't know, I usually didn't tag along on those.

Mario: The house won't clean itself. [pauses for a moment] Is he glaring at me?

Koopa: Each blue space marks an uncleared mini-game. When you beat that mini-game, the space will turn yellow, and you'll be allowed to proceed onward. There are nine worlds with several spaces each, and you can only leave the island when you conquer all the mini-games and reach the Goal sign at the end. Also, you'll get three cool new mini-games from Puff. They'll look good with your scars and dried blood.

Luigi: Encouraging.

Koopa: If you think this is hard, just wait until Mario Party 2. At the end of each World is a Save Space with a picture of my shell on it. You can save your progress there so if you die, you just return to that spot with your previously-saved stuff.

Luigi: I can die?

Koopa: Well, you can lose all your lives. Beating a mini-game for the first time or collecting one hundred coins gets you an extra life. Losing at a mini-game will knock one life off your total. If it reaches zero, you get a Game Over, and then you come see me.

Luigi: I can die?

Koopa: Consider it a temporary death. Any other questions?

Luigi: Yes. Do I need to carry Mr. Nervous around with me?

Mario: I can't see.

Koopa: Only for 2 vs. 2 mini-games. He'll chill out in the background when you're doing everything else. Remember, this is your journey, Luigi. You must make it yourself, even if it means teaming up with someone to show your teamwork and cooperation. When you reach a 2 vs. 2 mini-game, he'll be your partner.

Mario: That should be a piece of cake. Remember our old laser tag strategy?

Luigi: You punched me in the stomach and made me draw everyone's fire while you went off, captured the flag, and stole the glory.

Mario: And did it work?

Luigi: Only until everyone realized you'd just taken our own flag. Then they shot you and stole the flag while you lay there twitching.

Mario: So many lasers, so few retina cells. It would have worked if there'd been more lighting and I could have seen whose flag it was.

Luigi: That's why you did the exact same thing the next three matches, wasn't it?

Mario: [raises his eyebrows slightly] Did I really?

Luigi: It wouldn't surprise me if you'd forgotten. You were frothing at the mouth at that point. [rubs his stomach] So was I, actually.

Koopa: Can we steer this conversation into more pleasant waters?

Luigi: Right, so we were talking about my imminent death.

Koopa: [sighs] Just do your best and try to make it to the Goal, Luigi. I may be the low level grunt, but I believe in you.

Mario: I don't.

Koopa: Remember my discussion on teamwork, Mario?

Mario: Remember Luigi's propensity for sliding around everywhere and falling off cliffs?

Luigi: Remember Mario's propensity for having absolutely no unique qualities about him?

Mario: It's called balance!

Luigi: It's called neutrality.

Mario: I think I can see again!

Koopa: Do I sense a bit of hostility here?

Luigi: He hates being within fifty miles of an island. We argued much of the way here. Arguments I DIDN'T START -

Koopa: Luigi, why don't you begin your journey? It's better to get it done sooner rather than later. I'll just go ahead and whip Mario up a nice, hot cup of...shrimp innards or something.

Mario: What?

Koopa: Life on the island is tough. You do what you have to.

Mario: This isn't going to cost me another fifty coins, is it?

Koopa: I don't understand.

Luigi: Eh, you're right. I can take a rest whenever, and I need something to distract myself with. I'll see you guys in a bit. I'm off to awaken my true self and find a way off this island! Enjoy your shrimp innards, Mario!

Mario: GAAHHH!

Luigi walks triumphantly toward the heart of the island while Mario rubs his eyes and Koopa looks between them forlornly. As Luigi's green form starts to blend in with the rest of the island, Koopa turns back to Mario.

Koopa: I've got some crushed crab shell salad if you'd prefer that. Special family recipe.

Mario: I think I'll just kneel here and eat sand for awhile. I don't feel like moving. [takes a bite out of the beach and swallows] That is some good sand. Want some?

Koopa: Are you alright?

Mario: In the grand scheme of things, no, probably not. Got any salt?

Narrator: And so Luigi sets off on the first leg of his journey. He doesn't know what to expect, but with determination and the power of friendship, he knows he can overcome it. Meanwhile, Mario sprinkles a little soy sauce on the sand and continues to degrade his sanity. Koopa can only stand back and hope Luigi passes the intimidating tests before him. And I have a job again. I was one heck of a good disk jockey before being invited here.

Koopa: Narrator, you need to remember to turn off the island output when speaking into the microphone.

Narrator: Sorry. Been awhile.

Koopa: And are you using a different voice?

Narrator: Indeed. Instead of sounding like Don LaFontaine or Kyle Hebert, I have now opted to sound like the guy from Pokemon who narrates the To Be Continued part. Wait, how do you know what my first voice sounded like?

Koopa: Internet.

Narrator: Of course. Stay tuned for the next chapter, where Luigi fights through the deceptively tricky World 1.

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Blog: Game Poll Haven

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