Summary: The Marauders are planning a prank and McGonagall is about to find out. Sirius does the first action he thinks of, which happens to be one of his favourites, to keep them out of detention. James says it's brilliant, but Remus isn't too pleased. SBRL slash
Genres: Romance, humour
Rating: Teen
Disclaimer: The characters belong to J. K. Rowling, the woman that won't admit that Sirius' and Remus' sexual escapades are what earned the building the reputation of 'the Shrieking Shack.'
Words: 1,609
Sirius' Fave Method for Getting Out of Trouble
Each Marauder had piled all of his junk onto his bed, leaving himself a very small space on it to sit. That meant that James had Quidditch supplies squishing his pillow, Sirius' blanket was covered in explosive pranking items, Remus was barely visible behind stacks of books, and Peter's mattress was oozing snacks. Of course, Peter's mattress was always oozing snacks, but now there were more edible treats than usual.
"Ready?" James asked.
The others nodded and as one they took out their wands and commanded, "Incendio!"
Flames shot out of their wands and danced across the stone floor. They all held their breaths as sparks hit their wooden beds…and didn't burn them at all.
"It works!" Peter gasped in delight.
James stood up on his bed and did a disturbing victory dance with his broomstick.
Remus gave a small, satisfied smile. "Now, all we need to do is figure out how to amplify the fireproof charm enough so that we can use it on entire corridors."
"The portraits will be so terrified of getting scorched that their shrieks are bound to give the teachers headaches that'll last for weeks!" declared Sirius with wicked glee.
James stopped dancing with his broom. Everyone was grateful. "It would be even better if something scary were making the fire. Hagrid's always wanted a dragon…Think he could get one?"
Sirius' grey eyes lit up excitedly at the idea and Peter's blue orbs wobbled with fear. Remus knew that this dangerous train of thought had to be stopped immediately.
"Dragons are illegal. Do you really want to risk getting Hagrid into trouble with the Ministry? You know that they aren't lenient with half-breeds." As usual, mentioning the prejudice that nonhuman people, like Remus himself, suffered from the government brought irresponsible prank-planning to a standstill.
"You're right," James mumbled in disappointment.
The devious gleam in Sirius' eyes dimmed and he agreed, "No dragons."
Peter was relieved, but he wasn't joyful either.
Remus hated seeing his friends unhappy because they were busy feeling sorry for him, so he continued, "But I see no reason to object to some illusion magic if you want to make everyone think there's a dragon."
The others brightened again instantaneously.
James rubbed his hands together like a villainous mastermind, which – to a slight extent – was what he was. "We'll have to get some books from the library on-"
"WHY ARE THERE SCORCH MARKS ON THE CEILING?!"
The boys stared at each other in surprised dismay upon hearing the outraged shout come from a short distance away.
Peter chewed his bottom lip nervously. "Why did McGonagall pick now to do one of her random common room inspections?"
"Never mind that," said Sirius impatiently. "Why did the room beneath us get charred from our fire when this room didn't?"
Remus frowned and thought quickly. "Because we didn't cast a fireproof enchantment on the ceiling of the room beneath us. We thought that the floor in this room being fireproof would be enough, especially since the floor is stone. But sometimes stone gets blackened by a fire's heat and fuel even though it doesn't burn up itself." He shook his head hopelessly. "We messed up."
"Then we'll just have to make sure that we don't do it again," replied James confidently.
The sound of footsteps was heard upon the stairs leading to the dormitory, and Peter emitted a very rodent-like squeak. "Great, but what do we do when McGonagall comes in here and questions us about this?"
Sirius gave an unconcerned shrug. "Say we don't know anything about it. We've been up here this whole time, after all."
"She'll only believe it if she doesn't see all of our valuables safely off of the floor when she comes in," James pointed out.
Each Marauder glanced at his belongings, knowing that there wasn't enough time to arrange them in a convincingly-casual manner. The footsteps were getting closer.
"I've got it!" Sirius wore that particularly insane grin that tended to make Remus nervous.
"Prongs and Wormy, hide right now," Sirius instructed while he hastily finished Vanishing the remaining fiery sparks before pocketing his wand.
Without hesitation, James got under his invisibility cloak and Peter crawled under his bed.
Remus eyed Sirius suspiciously. "What are you-" The sentence was interrupted when Sirius jumped into the middle of the floor and landed deliberately on his knees. Then, he grabbed Remus' scarred arm to pull the shocked werewolf off of the bed and towards him until the two of them were close together.
"Potter! Black!" McGonagall's voice was heard on the stairs beside their dormitory door as Sirius shoved Remus onto his back against the floor so that he could straddle the Prefect's waist.
"Sirius, this is not the time for-" Remus' furious hiss was cut off by Sirius' kiss.
The second that their lips met, the door burst open. "You'd better have an explanation for…" McGonagall trailed off in astonishment. The room was completely free of scorch marks, and it was empty of troublemaking boys apart from Black and Lupin, who seemed to be in the middle of creating a fire of their own with a heated snogging session.
Sirius released Remus' mouth with an appallingly loud, wet smacking sound and looked at his professor with a reproachful expression. "Minnie, you've busted us for going at it in broom cupboards and empty classrooms, but interrupting us in our own dorm? That's not on."
McGonagall's mouth opened and closed a couple of times before she was able to collect herself. "Yes, well, I got a complaint that the temperature of my common room had risen to a dangerously high degree, so I had to check into things."
"And you check a dorm before looking at the hearth?" asked Sirius doubtfully.
McGonagall gave the dormitory another quick glance. There was a bunch of junk piled on the beds, which was normal for a boys' dorm, but the floors were oddly clear. "Why is there nothing on the floor?"
"Um, hello." Sirius gestured between himself and Remus, whose face was redder than Lily Evans' hair. "We're sort-of using the floor, and Moony complains when sharp quills and smelly socks get anywhere near his face."
The deputy headmistress studied the boys carefully. One of Sirius' hands was hovering impatiently over the buttons of Remus' shirt, as if he couldn't wait for her to leave so that he could undress her favourite student. She decided not to look to see where Sirius' other hand might be, trusting that – at least for the moment - there was nothing inappropriate on the Marauders' minds except sex.
"I see. Well…" She adjusted her square spectacles. "Try to stay out of trouble." She left quickly, shutting the door behind her.
Sirius leaned down to whisper into Remus' ear, "I want to get into something deeper and hotter than trouble."
"Get off of me," Remus growled. He shoved Sirius so that the dog animagus rolled off of Remus and sprawled inelegantly on the stone floor. Remus stood and dusted himself off as if he were dirty.
Once McGonagall's footsteps had receded completely, James and Peter emerged from their hiding places.
"That was genius!" James exclaimed.
"That was humiliating," corrected Remus, cheeks still slightly pink.
"Oh, c'mon, Moony, she already knows we're together," said Sirius cheerfully. "Besides, it worked, didn't it?"
Remus refused to look at Sirius. "I'm going to dunk my head in the sink," he announced.
"To cool off?" Peter asked in confusion. He knew that there were easier ways to relax, like transforming into a rat and curling up in a warm patch of sunlight with a piece of cheese.
"To try and drown myself," answered the mortified Prefect on his way to the bathroom.
"Don't do that; I'd be lost without you!" Sirius called to his boyfriend's retreating back. "I love you, darling Moony!"
Remus showed Sirius his middle finger before slamming the lavatory door.
Hours later, after each Marauder had donned his pyjamas, put away his belongings, and climbed into his four-poster, Sirius slipped past Remus' curtains to sit on the werewolf's bed.
"What do you want, Sirius?" Remus muttered irritably.
Normally, Sirius would respond 'to shag you,' or something equally lewd, but even the insensitive Black knew that now wasn't the time. "To apologise. I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. It was the only thing that I could think of to make sure that we didn't get detention for a month. We've got a date next week, and I didn't think that you'd want to spend it weeding gardens of screaming mandrakes or scrubbing Moaning Myrtle's toilet."
"I know," Remus sighed. It was true; he did know. He knew, and appreciated, that Sirius tried – albeit often unsuccessfully – to be considerate of him. "You don't mean to be a git on purpose. You simply are one."
"But I'm your git," reminded Sirius, starting to smile since Remus hadn't kicked him out of bed yet. "And your git is sorry, and would like to make it up to you."
Unable to remain displeased when Sirius' actions had not been ill-intended, Remus raised a questioning eyebrow and began to smile too. "Really? Because I'm pretty upset with you, and you'd have to do a lot to get me not to be."
Grey eyes danced with mischievous desire. "I love a challenge." Sirius set his talented mouth to work at fulfilling the promises it had made.
Sirius was as good as his word, and Remus – even though he still didn't approve of Sirius' favourite method of getting out of trouble – managed to go to sleep a very happy werewolf.