It's the last time. He swears it, vows it. For both of them, for himself.
It's the last fucking time.
He spits the toothpaste into the sink and looks up in the mirror. The taste of Sam is quickly being replaced by mint in his mouth; he tries to ignores the pain of regret because of it. His blood shot eyes stare back at him. He wants to dunk his face in a bucket of ice water just to wake up from this nightmare, when another body fills the mirror.
Dean's eyes move from his own to his brother's body. Sam's still wearing his boxers from yesterday; they've just got a few more stains now. His little brother looks as exhausted as he does.
"Last time Sam," Dean mutters. He doesn't need to say more, the angst in his voice says it all.
Sam drops his eyes from Dean's bare body and gives a wry nod. "I know."
"I'm serious," Dean snapped, both hands clutching the sides of the sink. He's angry, furious even, he won't go back down that road. It's over and done. "This is over here and now. We're never going to go back. This shit has to stop. It's messing with my head…with the hunting. We need to stay focused on our job and with this-" He motions between them with a pointed finger. "this thing between us isn't letting us. I can't be worried about you and do my job."
"You're always worried about me." Sam mutters, his eyes still locked on Dean's feet.
Dean flinches, his eyes sparkle, "You know what I mean Sam. Ever since we started…this thing…I can't think straight. I can't think about the job when you're around…all I think about is you."
Sam manages to lifts his eyes to meet his brother's in the mirror. "That's such a bad thing?"
"Sam," Dean growls.
Sam takes a shaky step forward. "And what about what I want?" he asks softly, his voice shaky.
Dean drops his head and sighs. "It's not a matter of what we want Sam, it's about what's realistic. We've got a job to do. And this is getting in the way that means it has to go."
"But what if it didn't. What if I swear I'll stop kissing you right before a hunt? I promise to stay away from you at night. I won't crawl in bed-"
Dean ignored the twist in his stomach, not only at the tone of desperation in his brother voice but the words. He lived for the nights when Sam would crawl into bed with him, he loved for those seconds where Sam would kiss him lightly before a hunt. He lived for being with Sam.
"It's not you Sam," He says, sighing softly, anger easing from his voice. "We just…we just gotta stop this."
Dean watched Sam's throat swallow, he could still the burning of tears just under his eyes. He fights the urge to just screw it and take his brother in his arms. He fights against himself to not comfort his Sammy.
"I understand." Sam mutters, his voice rough and full of pain.
Dean's hand clutches the sink tighter.
"It's better this way…" Dean says slowly.
Sam bit his bottom lip and took a step closer to his brother. "How? How is this better? Aren't you feeling the same pain I am?"
Dean glared at him through the mirror. "Sam, you know it is. The pain will ease off…just give us time." He softens his voice as he finishes.
"You don't believe that so why say it? " Sam whispers, Dean knows he's fighting against tears. Sam confuses him by switching subjects. "You never once said it was because we were brothers."
"What?"
"Just now…when you were saying we have to end this…you never said it was because we're brothers. You said it's because of the job. Was that the truth?" Sam asks carefully, his voice toned down to hid his pain.
"Sam…I don't care. I never did." Dean turns away from the sink and mirror. His hands fall useless to his side.
"Yet you care about the job. You don't care that you're fucking your brother? That you're in love with him, that we'll both burn of this sin. But you care about the stupid job?" Sam cries, his voice raising and falling.
Dean knows on the inside his brother is crying, he wonders if Sam knows on the inside, he's dying.
"I'll always…want you Sammy," Dean says softly, his eyes fixed on the sink. His toothbrush still dripping, his tongue now over in a mint taste.
"But the job comes first. The jobs more important." He doesn't say it with as much bitterness as he had only moments earlier. In fact, it sounds to Dean, as if his brother is understand. "We save people's lives…we hunt evil. If our minds aren't in the game we can't do either."
Dean wordless nods, he swallows back a bitter sob.
"I just don't know if I can't do it Dean." Sam's voice makes him look up, their eyes lock and Sam keeps going. "Just because…it's over…doesn't mean I'll stop feeling this way."
"Sammy-" Dean gasps, groans almost.
A tear falls from Sam's eye, and Dean's willpower simply vanishes. In a single heartbeat he's across the bathroom and his arms are around his brother's body. His lips are claiming Sam's, and their bodies seem to just melt into one another.
It ends up to be more of biting, sucking, controlling then a kiss, but it's the way they do things. It's the way they are with each other and it feels good.
"Last time," Dean mutters, sucking in a breath, his eyes roaming Sam's face. "Last time."
Sam doesn't say a word as he claims Dean's mouth again.
It's always the last time.