Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, as much as i want to. The story is mine, and so is Alex.
"It's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
- Taylor Swift
I looked in the mirror and smiled.
I finally looked enough, after a few hours debating on a hairstyle, make-up and an outfit.
I sprayed on some perfume and grabbed my purse and then i got to the front door and out to my car.
You're probably wondering why I'm all dressed up right? Well, today is me and my boyfriend, James Maslow's, 2 year anniversary.
We've officially been dating for 2 years, so we're having a little dinner at his house tonight to celebrate it.
I jumped in my car and looked at the time, before backing out in the driveway.
8:40. Good. He told me to be there at 9:00, it takes less then 20 minutes to get to his house.
20 minutes later. I arrived at his house.
I got out my car and walked to the front door and knocked.
I waited.
And waited.
No answer.
So i knocked again.
And waited...
And waited...
Still no answer.
I looked at the door in front of me and pushed down the handle.
To my suprise, it opened.
I slowly walked into the house, looking around.
Everything looked normal. Nothing was out of place, nothing gone.
It all looked perfect.
But if everything in the world was perfect, we wouldn't have the chance to grow up and learn from our mistakes.
My perfect world, my everything, my LIFE came crashing down when I took the trek up the stairs to James's room.
I walked down to the hall to the all too familiar door and smiled. I heard him inside his room, laughing about something.
"Maybe he's looking at old video's of us," I thought to myself, making myself blush. I turned the door knob and when I looked in his room, my heart broke.
Not sank.
Not stopped.
It broke. Shattered. Gone.
My love,was laying on his bed, with his ex-girlfriend draped around his neck, sucking on his face.
And he sat there and enjoyed it.
He still hadn't seen me.
Now, I was completely in the room.
It was like I was invisible to him. I wish I was invisible so nobody could see the pain I was feeling right now.
I opened my mouth to say something clever and tell him off, but no words came out. I just stood there, my mouth open, trying to speak.
I watched as that filthy slut moved her lips down to his neck. He moaned out in pleasure and threw his head back.
He was actually enjoying this.
I felt like one of those people you hear about on crime shows, or you see the movies, that are forced to watch the one they love be tortured by someone else.
In this case, I watched as my one and only love, was pleasured by someone else.
I don't know why I didn't leave.
I wanted to.
My head was telling me to. But my feet told a different story.
I watched as his hands snaked down her back to her ass. I felt the tears in my eyes, my vision was becoming cloudy. I couldn't believe this was happening. Maybe this was a terrible nightmare, and in the morning I'd wake up and everything would be ok. I pinched myself repeated times, but still stared at the sickening sight in front of me.
I tried to speak again, but still, nothing could come out.
You know that feeling when you're just so upset, or so hurt that you can't talk?
This is one of those times
James opened his eyes and looked at his ex. I could see the love in his eyes. The same way he looked at me when we were together and I felt like he stabbed me repeatedly, not caring about my cries . He soon moved his head to the side so she could suck on his neck when he glanced in my direction.
At first, he didn't even see me.
But a double take proved him wrong, when he definitely did saw me.
"Alex," he said, shooting up. My vision was blurred but I saw his ex turn her head towards me. I saw her make eye contact with me. And yet, she stayed where she was.
"How could you," I finally choked out, as I felt a tear slide down my face.
I wasn't going to cry in front of him.
"Alex, let me explain, please," he said while moving out from under his ex. She just sat there, with a blank stare on her face, probably wondering when I'd leave so she could continue what she was doing.
Stupid slut.
"How do you explain this James, I can see it for myself," I said, a few more tears seeping out.
I needed to get out now.
I made my break for the door when James grabbed my arms forcefully and pulled me back to him.
"Just let me explain-" I cut him off by bring my palm clear across his face, turning it a shade of crimson.
"You can't explain this James. You cheated on me with HER. Why? Because I wouldn't have sex with you? Did she fulfill your needs James? I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you!" I screamed at him, the tears beginning to flow.
"Alex, don't cry, just hear me out-"
"No. You- you can ha-have her," I stuttered trying to calm myself. "Cause I'm no-not yours an-anymore," I said while running back down the stairs.
I heard him call to me maybe once.
Maybe twice.
But that's it.
I got out to my car and got in, putting on my seat belt. I looked up at his front door and sat there.
I wanted him to come after me.
As much as I HATED him in this moment, I needed to know he cared.
I needed that fragment of hope.
But he never came.
He never ran through those doors, begging for me stay.
Wanting me to stay.
I put my car in drive and drove home, crying the whole way. I had to make a couple stops to control my ragged breathing so I could drive home..
I couldn't believe this was happening.
I looked down at my phone, expecting maybe a call or text.
Nothing.
This caused my sobs to become more numerous as I let out all the tears I had in me.
He didn't care. .
I finally made it home and ran up to my room, where I threw myself onto my bed and cried.
I no longer cared about anything.
I could feel my makeup that was once flawless trickle down my face with my tears.
I got under the covers and laid there, crying myself to sleep.
2 days passed.
James didn't call.
He didn't text.
He didn't come over.
He didn't contact me at all.
I went into a depression. My therapy was sitting in my room watching girly movies, eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream .
And when I wasn't watching a movie, I was playing James favorite song on repeat.
I was torturing myself, and yet I couldn't stop myself.
James was my drug. And I was addicted.
"You have to get over him Alex," my friend Emma said as she sat down next to me on my bed. She came by randomly during the day to check on me.
"I can't Emma… I loved him, so much. I've never loved someone Emma. I LOVED him," I said, turning off the movie and turning on the song. I felt the tears forming in my eyes.
"Alex, please. I hate watching you like this," she said as she reached across to turn off the song when I stopped her.
"Leave it," I growled at her. .
"Fine, just sit here and torture yourself. I need to get home, call me if you need anything," she said while getting off the bed and walking out of my room, not forgetting to slam my door shut.
I pulled my legs to my chest and started to cry again..
"Nobody cares about me," I told myself.
The terrible thing is that, when you tell yourself something, it's just that much easier to believe it's true.
I walked into my bathroom and pulled open my drawer. I looked around when I finally found what I was looking for.
I pulled it out and looked at it.
It was a shiny razor blade.
With very sharp blades.
I looked at myself in the mirror..
My eyes were bloodshot.
My greasy hair fell flat against my head.
Suddenly, that razor blade in my hand was more and more tempting to me.
I grabbed the blade and stuck it next to my skin.
"This is it… this is the end…" I told myself. I stopped and went into my room and grabbed a pen and paper off of my desk. I wrote down some stuff on the paper and brought it into the bathroom with me.
I sat the paper on the counter and sat on the floor, the razor in one hand.
I pressed it against my skin when I felt the pain shoot through my body, mainly my wrist. I looked at the new gash on it.
It wasn't too terribly deep.
I took the blade and cut another slash into my arm, by now the tears were falling. I continued to cut new scars into my arm, no longer caring whether I lived or died.
I didn't even hear my front door open.
I didn't even hear my name being shouted through the house.
I didn't even hear the footsteps come up the stairs.
I cut another gash into my arm and screamed out in pain. When I looked up, James was in front of me and he looked terrified.
"Oh my god, no, no," he said while coming closer to me. He grabbed the razor out of my hand and threw it across the bathroom. James began to get blurry, and it wasn't because of the tears. I felt dizzy suddenly as I looked at his face.
"Alex, stay with me, please," he said. I could hear that he was crying. I struggled to keep my eyes open. "Please, don't go. Alex I'm so sorry, please, oh my god," he said while grabbing his phone.
I couldn't see much but I could still hear.
"911, I have an emergency my friend cut herself, and it's really bad, we need someone here fast," he said. I didn't have to see his face to feel his eyes on me.
"Oh god what have I done to you, Alex please don't go, stay strong Alex, please," I heard him say while kissing my forehead and rock me back and forth. I looked at him and opened my eyes as much as I could.
"James… I'll always love you," I said weakly to him.
Then everything went black.
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