A/N: There is no excuse for how late this is. But with summer school, a job, and writer's block, this was all slooooow going. T_T Oh well, I should be happy I'm writing again! Oh, and check out Complete if you like NagatoxKonan (ish. VERY ish.) I wrote this for I-Luvs-Deidara-ArtIsABangUn (what a mouthful!) because she fucking wanted it. No, I don't do requests unless you give me good shit, so don't get your hopes up. Sorry. Anyway, read, review, and enjoy!

-WhirledPeace

"He's dead, un?" Deidara asked incredulously. Zetsu nodded.
"Yes. Leader-sama has asked me to ask you to dispose of him."
"And what the fuck is that supposed to mean, yeah?" Deidara snapped.
"You may blow him up." This certainly made Deidara's day better.
"Are you serious, un?" he cried, practically giddy at the prospect. Zetsu nodded. "And hey, while I'm at it, how about I blow up Tobi as well, yeah?" Zetsu sighed, shaking his head.
"You're just a brat. Get to it." Deidara sighed. He didn't mind Zetsu, but maybe that was because whenever Deidara saw him, he had Tobi trailing behind him. And anyone with Tobi next to them seemed good to Deidara. Even Itachi.
"Senpai, that's harsh," Tobi whined.
"Can it, Tobi, un," Deidasra warned. Usually, Deidara could handle Tobi. But not today. Today, he had to savour this perfect irony. "So, show me where this fucker finally kicked the can, yeah."

"So, we're going to have to find a replacement for Sasori, hmm?" Leader-sama asked.
"That's correct, sir," Zetsu replied.
"I see."
"And… Tobi is a viable candidate…" Zetsu added. Deidara snorted.
"Oh, yeah, if you want the organization to go to hell. I personally wouldn't mind, un."
"You personally weren't asked, Deidara," Leader-sama said warningly. "So be it. Tobi can join. You two will have a mission in a month, until then, try and practice together. You are dismissed, Deidara." Deidara sighed, stood, and bowed before making a noisy and clearly disgruntled exit. Pein sighed, looking at Zetsu. "I think I may never understand him."
"He is young," Zetsu replied easily.
"No… not Deidara. Madara."
"Do you think anyone ever will?"
"No… just making conversation."

Deidara flopped down on his bed. He may have to rethink his philosophy on sleep, he decided. "I can sleep when I'm dead, un" seemed to just give Tobi permission to bug him 24/7. Which was only pushing him closer to death, so in itself maybe Tobi was trying to help him sleep.
"Hi, Sempai! I found you!" Tobi cried. Deidara didn't move. "Sempai?" Deidara got up, and brushed past Tobi as if he didn't exist. He then went to the kitchen and began tearing apart the cabinets. This was an Akatsuki base, of course, so there wasn't much food, but there was a lot of what Deidara was looking for. Escape. Zetsu often kept a lot of vials with strange, viscous liquid in them. He told Deidara to feel free to use ay of it, but Deidara wasn't ready to go that far. Kakuzu kept his personal child, weed, in his room. Hidan kept his good shit to himself, like his designer LSD, but left his vodka out. He didn't drink it, only poured it on his cuts when performing a ritual. If Deidara was lucky…
"Ha!" Deidara cried in triumph, grabbing a bottle of vodka.
"Sempai, alcohol is bad…" Tobi said warningly, all playfulness gone. Deidara snorted.
"I thought you wanted to be in Akatsuki, Tobi," he drawled, knocking back a good gulp of vodka. But he spluttered, staring at the bottle. "Smirnoff? You've got to be fucking kidding me, yeah." Despite his cramped style, Deidara continued drinking it until he felt his head reeling with nausea and slight pain. He slumped into a chair, fevered face down against the cool wood.
"Sempai, you shouldn't be doing this," Tobi said. "I know you're probably upset-"
"Zetsu's got heroin!" Deidara suddenly cried, sitting bolt upright.
"What? Sempai, please, don't do this!" Tobi cried, standing between Deidara and the exit of the kitchen. Even drunk off his arse, Deidara ducked around Tobi and shuffled down the hall to Zetsu's lair. He knocked on the door, and Zetsu stuck his head out.
"I'm a bit busy, Deidara," he said coldly.
"I'm only here for some skag," Deidara replied. Zetsu sighed.
"Fine, but I'm not popping your blisters," he said, and retreated back into his room. A few moments later he handed Deidara a little paper bag with a chunk. "And just don't fuck up and need me to save you from heart failure or anything. If you overdose, I'm not giving you CPR."
"Yeah, yeah," Deidara muttered, walking back to his room. There he got out a lighter and spoon, sitting on his bed and pouring water into the spoon. He then added the chunk, and began heating it up.
"Sempai, I don't like this," Tobi said resolutely.
"But you're sensei does it, un," Deidara replied groggily. "In fact, your sensei used to help me do it, un."
"But you're going to get addicted!"
"Already there, un." The chunk was beginning to melt. Deidara grinned.
"Sempai, this is wrong! You're hurting yourself!" Tobi cried. He was feeling panicked, knowing he couldn't get the drugs away from his Sempai.
"…I'm so not high enough for this shit, un," Deidara mumbled.
"Sempai, drugs are bad," Tobi said disapprovingly.
"Everyone does it, un," Deidara replied. "Coffee's a drug, yeah."
"Sempai!" Tobi cried, leaping in front of Deidara and waving his hands like a moron.
"What?" Deidara growled. "Don't think I'll share, yeah."
"Don't. It's not good for you."
"So? Not like it'll kill me."
"It could."
"I know what I'm doing, un," Deidara said, rolling his eyes.
"Sempai… this isn't good…" Tobi said seriously. Deidara snorted. He slowly dragged the water into the syringe, and pressed it flat against his inner elbow "Pretty soon you're going to need it to act normally."
"Already do, un."
"Sempai!" Tobi cried indignantly. Deidara injected himself, and lay back, letting his body go limp as he waited for the drug to take effect. He heard Tobi gasp, but didn't think anything of it. He didn't think anything, actually. He was finally just done with dealing with the world. He felt the syringe tugged from his grasp, and let it go. A pair of lips was pressed to his ear. "Deidara… that was not very smart." Deidara only groaned, wishing the lips could be accompanied by a pair of hands. But it was just the lips, and they moved down his neck. "You can't even defend yourself…" Deidara felt himself grow flushed and hot, his mind just stopping altogether.
Finally, a hand slid up his thigh. His entire body shivered. "You can't even stop me, Deidara. That was not very smart." Deidara gasped as the hand reached the part between his legs. The mouth was sucking on his ear. He felt so hot, like his guts were twisting. "I'll bet I could kill you now, and you wouldn't even know it." Deidara shivered again, squirming a bit as his nether region was grasped harder. The mouth was biting at his neck, leaving a bloody love bite. He gasped, wanting whatever this man was offering. The man was now on top of him, ripping his shirt off and biting his neck harder. But it all got to be too much.
"… you've got to be kidding me…" the man muttered. "You… just got sick… on me…" Deidara let his body go limp, head flopping to the side. "You've got to be fucking kidding me!" the man cried, but withdrew, leaving Deidara passed out in his own sick.

It was near noon the next day when Deidara finally opened his eyes. Yes. This was what he'd been missing- oh no. He sat bolt upright, looking down at his bed disgustedly. "Ew…" he groaned. Why in the hell had he been sick? That usually didn't happen… "God, everyone always says don't drink and do heroine, un," he muttered. Good thing he hadn't choked on it in his sleep. He raised his arms and stretched, cracking his neck side to side. But then he froze. Frantically, he put his fingers to his neck, feeling dried blood. In a panic he got up and rushed to the mirror, finding the only evidence that he hadn't been completely alone. Terrified, Deidara ran to the bathroom and was sick once more. Spluttering and coughing, he locked the door and got in the shower, clothes and all, and just sat under the stream of cold water. What had happened? Had he… no. If he had had sex, he wouldn't have woken up in his clothes. Well, most of them. Besides, who would he sleep with? Zetsu was a one time thing, Leader-sama had more important things… no. He hadn't had sex. There was a knock on the door.
"Sempai?" Tobi called. Deidara did nothing. "Sempai, can I come in?" Nothing. Tobi easily picked the lock and stepped in, completely serious. "Sempai, it's not good to take cold showers." He pulled back the curtain and stared down at his Sempai. But it was just too pitiful to try and make fun of. "Sempai, I… I made breakfast. Do you want to come eat?" Deidara did nothing. "Sempai, can you even remember last night?" Deidara didn't look up, but raised a finger to his neck, touching the mark. Tobi felt his stomach clench. "You… you remember?" Deidara looked up.
"You… did this… un…?" he asked slowly. Tobi blanched.
"Um… well, it was- not exactly what- I didn't-"
"You did, un." Tobi nodded ashamedly, looking down at his hands. But when he finally looked back at Deidara, he didn't see what he was expecting. Deidara was grinning wickedly, just staring at him. "Didn't know you had it in you… un…"
"Sempai, there's a lot you don't know about me," Tobi said, voice dead. Deidara just grinned wider, standing up and looking Tobi in the eye.
"I'm sure, I'm sure, yeah," he purred, looking Tobi over interestedly.
"Deidara, stop. You're only interested in me because I hurt you."
"…yeah…?" Deidara asked, raising an eyebrow. Tobi sighed.
"I'm not… who you think… I am…"
"I can see that, un," Deidara said with a sly grin.
"Deidara, I-"
"No wonder they let you in, un," Deidara murmured, wrapping his arms around Tobi's neck. What luck! Tobi was actually somewhat useful. Tobi put his hands on Deidara's shoulders, and separated them.
"Stop. Just stop," he pleaded, grabbing Deidara's wrists and pinning them together.
"Come on, Tobi, I know you want me…" Deidara drawled, not the least bit put off. Tobi growled, stepping back and turning to leave. But Deidara leapt from the shower and clung to him.
"Wait wait wait, Tobi, un," he purred. "I know you want me…"
"Quit repeating yourself," Tobi shot, turning around and slamming Deidara down on the tiled floor. "Don't tempt me, Deidara," he growled. "I usually think it's easy to keep up this façade, but you make it… quite… difficult…" Deidara gasped and choked, Tobi's fingers round his neck, but pressed his body up against Tobi.
"You're not… Tobi… are you… un?" he gasped. Tobi chuckled darkly.
"No. I'm much, much worse." This only seemed to excite Deidara more.
"Who?" he gurgled. Tobi bent so his ear was against Deidara's ear.
"Madara. Uchiha, Madara." Deidara went completely tense as his neck was eased up on.
"U-Uchiha?" he whispered. Madara chuckled.
"Not so frisky now, are you?" He threw his head back, laughing maniacally. How good it felt to have such a handsome man cowering underneath him. He clenched his fist, just thinking of what he could do to Deidara. That was, until a clay centipede wrapped itself around his torso. He looked down. Deidara was grinning.
"Well then, un," he said, slithering out from under Madara. He now stood, a little shorter than Madara, looking up into his eyes. "Show me your Sharingan, un." Madara blinked at him. Deidara smirked. "For all your fancy genjutsu, what could you do if I detonated right now, hmm?" Madara shuddered. He couldn't move, let alone escape. The attack had been too sudden. Deidara chuckled and left the room. From outside, Madara heard the one word: "Katsu!"

Madara glowered. Zetsu tried to stop laughing, he really did, but seeing Madara singed and naked in the forest had to be one of the funniest things he'd ever seen. "I'll use Tsukuyomi on you," Madara warned. Zetsu only laughed harder, clutching his sides as he rolled on the ground.
"Worth… it…" he gasped. Madara gave him a harsh kick, but that had no effect. Eventually, he calmed down and stood up, brushing himself. "So why on earth did you need me to save you?" he asked.
"Deidara thought he'd blow me up."
"…so?" Zetsu asked, raising an eyebrow.
"He had me trapped." This again set off Zetsu's laughing. A kick to his shin put an end to it, however.
"And why did this all happen?" he asked. "I mean, he was drunk last night, so he beat you with a hangover?" Madara sent Zetsu's head through a solid tree, and stalked back to base. But he could still hear Zetsu laughing.

But why had he assumed Deidara would stay at the base? After cleaning himself up and putting on some new clothes, Madara couldn't find Deidara anywhere. Finally giving up, he decided he'd go for a walk to clear his head. And that was how he had found Deidara.
The blonde was berating Zetsu about something, begging and yelling. As Madara grew closer, he could make out what was being said. "Zetsu, why won't you tell me anything? I already know he's Madara, and an Uchiha, un!"
"Because I said so."
"For fuck's sake, un! I'll sleep with you, yeah."
"As tempting as that is-"
"It's not tempting at all!" Zetsu's other half cut in. And this launched a large-scale argument between Zetsu's halves. Deidara sighed.
"Um… Zetsu?" he asked, interrupting the fight. Zetsu sighed collectively. "Look, I know you know about him, yeah. And you rescued him, un."
"You're very smart," Zetsu muttered. "Why don't you go and ask him?"
"Because he's not going to talk to me. I want… he's right behind me, isn't' he, un?" Madara stepped forward and into the clearing.
"Am I interrupting something?" he asked sultrily. Zetsu coughed.
"I'm… just going to go water some plants…" he mumbled, before sinking into the ground. Deidara coughed.
"So you'd sleep with Zetsu?" Madara growled. Deidara shrugged.
"Again? Maybe, un." The blonde was looking awkwardly at any direction free of Madara. "And, um, about blowing you up, yeah…"
"Oh yeah?" Madara sneered. How on earth could Deidara possibly apologise for that?
"I'm sorry, it was just in the shock of seeing you were an Uchiha… un…" Deidara mumbled. Madara was thunderstruck.
"You think you can just say you're sorry?" he cried. Deidara nodded.
"Yeah. I think I can, un." He grinned now. "I can, because you still want me. Badly, yeah."
"I consider myself a tolerant man," Madara began. "I only hate, truly hate, two things in life: those who think they're right, and those who happen to be right." Deidara smirked. "And you just manage to be both. So shut your damn mouth and get your arse over here."

To Be Continued in part 2...