After what I thought to be a personal success with my Kingdom Hearts comedy (I believe it currently has 33 views, half of which were me :O) I decided to continue with these odd comedies moving on to another favorite game of mine: Rogue Galaxy. I don't own Rogue Galaxy, this story was made for fans of the game who are familiar with the story (hence the lack of descriptions). Unlike "7 Days in Twilight Town" this story will cover the full game chapter by chapter. But enough of that, enjoy:
Da Rogue Galaxy
"CHAPTER 1: Departure" In a distant galaxy there was a war between two particularly grumpy groups of people known as the Draxians and the Longardians. The Longardians took over some boring planet named Rosa and made the people there slaves or something. The slave like people then worked for the Longardians riding on goat/llamas collecting chickens in the desert.
Jaster: Yeah, I don't get it either. I'm Jaster Rogue by the way; hence the title, Rogue Galaxy… or maybe it's about actual Rogues… Are rogues the same thing as pirates? I don't know. Seeing as you're definitely going to be playing this game for a while, you're probably going to want to know my backstory right?
Gamer: You tell me.
Jaster: Basically, I've always wanted to go into outer space, and thanks to the Longardians that dream is even farther away than it was before. You can bet that I'm a little less than fond of them.
Soldier: Not true, that's not your character at all. You're basically an emotionless blond haired stereotypical do-gooder; how much do you wanna bet you'll leave this planet without even touching us?
Jaster: And who's the main character here?
Soldier: Shut up.
Jaster: That's right, now I'm off to go vent my frustration to my old reverend foster father!
Raul: Don't expect any benevolence from me Jaster, whoops, no pun intended.
Jaster: Hey Raul, those Longardians are… "getting to big for their britches"? Oh god… this script isn't going to be filled with hundreds of cliché and over said sayings like that is it? As if I don't hear them enough in every other JRPG out there.
Raul: Yeah, translations a drag ain't it? But the Longardians aren't all bad, they do keep all the beasts out of the town.
Jaster: OH WELL THANK GOD FOR THAT! I don't know how we'd ever get by against these puny level -20 skeleton monsters! Look, I think one just killed ITSELF.
MEANWHILE…
Simon: Y' sure he's in this backwards bumpkin town?
Steve: As sure as you're accent is ridicules Simon, he's here.
Simon: Ridicules? You're names Steve! Who names a robot Steve?
Steve: Well what kind of name is Simon for a…uh… what the heck are you anyway?
Simon: Isn't it obvious? I'm clearly an armadillo.
Steve: Getting back to the subject, Desert Claw is most certainly on this planet.
Simon: Desert Claw… He's one o' the galaxy's top hunters. Y' ever seen the guy before?
Steve: Nope! Can you say exposition?
MEANWHILER…
Jaster: Besides the whole being enslaved thing, I suppose life is good not being mistaken for a famous bounty hunter!
Raul: That's an oddly specific feeling Jaster. Uh oh, did I just defend those Longardians? Looks like the crêpe's bout to hit the fan. And by crepe I mean giant flying fire breathing salamander.
Jaster: I GOT THIS!
Raul: Well there goes our stereotypical hero; wait, you're not serious are you?
Jaster: I'll behave!
Raul: What's that supposed to mean?
Baphu: GRAR!
Jaster: Wow, I'm surrounded, that sure was fast. Well, guess I'll just give up now.
? ?: *Kills Baphu* Seriously weak man.
Jaster: 0.O
? ?: I can tell by your emoticon you need some help.
Jaster: Those are sick goggles!
? ?: Yeah… well you wanna help me take down that monster? It's worth quite a few hunter points! Oh, and it'll probably kill everyone in the town if we don't.
Jaster: Where did you get that hood? It's awesome!
? ?: *sigh* Just follow me kid.
*After several easy battles*
Jaster: Wow you're pretty strong, you wouldn't happen to be some sort of galactic celebrity I'm oblivious to, would you?
? ?: Psssssshhh shaw! No! Definitely not!
Jaster: Cool
Simon: Ey' Steve, y' ever hear the one bout the sheep and the haggis?
Jaster: Hey look, it's C-3P0 and R2D2!
? ?: Woah there Skywalker, looks like the Falcon stops here.
Jaster: What? How am I supposed to fight that thing alone?
? ?: With a can of beer, several antelope, and a whole lot of butter. Trust me, I'm a professional. Oh, and this always helps *tosses Jaster a sword*
Jaster: Ooohh… Shiny.
? ?: And take this too.
Jaster: What is it?
? ?: It's called a Battle Recorder, it uh… records battles.
Jaster: So it's like a video camera?
? ?: No, it records all the footage of the battle for proof that you can turn in for hunter points along with containing other information about beasts to hunt.
Jaster: … So it's like a video camera?
? ?: See you later kid.
Jaster: Wow, way to leave me high and dry. I think I'm going to have to take my frustration out on these random giant guys.
Random Giant Guys: Huh? GWAH! *Gets dead*
Jaster: *admires sword* Me likey…
Simon: Wow, that was pretty impressive kid! I mean, nawt that I couldn't do it…
Steve: OH MY GOD!
Simon: What? What is it?
Steve: DEINEEDSCISSORSBALHDEBLAH!
Jaster and Simon: …
Steve: He's Desert Claw!
Simon: Oh dear, awl that Penzoil's gone t' his head.
Steve: No look! He's even got the Desert Seeker! Desert Claw's weapon.
Jaster: Oh crap.
Simon: Hah, Desert Seeker fer Desert Claw isn't that convenient! Well come on Mr. Claw let's be on our way! *grabs Jaster*
Jaster: W-wait a min-
Steve: Oh you're just going to love traveling with us! We'll sail through the stars and fight monsters and plunder villages and… fight monsters…
Jaster: Hold on I-
Simon: What the heck is a Desert Claw anyway? Or how about a Desert Seeker? Why would you want to seek out a desert? Don't you already live in one?
Jaster: Can I just say-
Simon and Steve: *singing* We were sailing aloooooong… on Moonlight Baaaaaay!
Jaster: WAAAAAITTT! I don't want to go with you, you're both ugly and smell like ordure. Oh… and I should probably kill that beast.
Simon: Fuh get abou it! Just leave it, I'm sure this will all blow over in a couple years or so…
Jaster: Won't people be killed?
Simon: Oh people die every day, that's what we have obituaries for!
Jaster: Well that's an awfully cheerful way of looking at it… But I can't it's just not in my hero nature.
Steve: Alright, we'll help, but then you're coming with us
Jaster: Woah there Kimosabe, where'd you get that idea?
Steve: LET'S GO!
Mark VIII Salamander: Roar-ish
Simon: Well E's a big fella now isn't e'? Y' know Mr. Claw, I think you forfeit any points you earn if you, er… die.
Jaster: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over how quickly I killed this boss.
Simon: uhhh… what?
Mark VIII Salamander: Ouch-ish
Steve: It's not dead yet Mr. Claw, you'll need to get up on its back and take out its heart.
Jaster: Well that's no problem, I'll just super jump like I did in the trailer! WHAT? It's not working! Why can't I jump that high?
Steve: Don't you just love video game physics?
Simon: Don't worry, just use my Monography shot, it can make platforms out o' thin air that y' can use t' scale anything!
Jaster: 0.O
Simon: What?
Jaster: Ok if that's true than I never want to hear anyone in this game say "oh we can't get around this" cause with that thing, you obviously could.
Mark VIII Salamander: Hey I'm still here-ish you know.
Jaster: Oh sorry, *kills*
Steve: Alright Mr. Claw! Now use the battle recorder to get those hunter points! Just go to a save point and you can turn in the points! The ranking system works like so…
Jaster: Oh yeah, thanks. Gee, I'm sure glad they didn't think that a famous hunter would already know all about how to use that…
? ?: Well shoooo, I've caused quite a mess now haven't I? Time to go off and be mysterious now!
Simon: So Mr. Claw, you got a real name or something? I doubt the first thing your momma said when you came out the womb was "Desert Claw"
Jaster: I'm Jaster Rogue.
Steve: Oh, is that a title reference? With a name like that you were literally born to be a pirate!
Jaster: Pirate? Uh oh, is this gonna be like one of those "quest for booty" movies ala "Treasure Planet"?
Simon: Well now that y' mention it, the likeness is uncanny…
Jaster: So who exactly are you guys anyway?
Simon: We're the ruthless and bloodthirsty space pirates of Captain Dorgengoa! Oh yeah, we're bad!
Jaster: I don't know Simon, something about you and Steve doesn't exactly strike of bloodthirsty…
Steve: And remember kids, It's not healthy to be a scardy cat! TaTa!
Simon: Aye…
Jaster: Hold the phone, did you say you were space pirates? As in… pirates of space?
Simon: *sarcasm* Nooo, we're just Closter-Phobic.
Jaster: Yeah well, I'm a fan of the whole space thing, so this might just work out after all.
Raul: You want to go into space? I know that has always been a dream of yours.
Jaster: Okay bye.
THE NEXT DAY…
Raul: Hold it kiddo, you can't leave without having another emotional moment, I mean at this point even I don't care about you, let alone the people playing the game
Gamers: Me want kill things now please
Raul: So let's get this over with.
Young Jaster: Hey Raul! I 1 2 go in 2 outer spaces can I plz?
Raul: Heeeeeell yeah!
Young Jaster: Woo Hoo!
Raul: Satisfied?
Gamers: *not paying attention* What?
Raul: Oh just go already, you crazy kid you.
Jaster: I'LL BE BACK.
Jaster is mistaken for legendary bounty hunter Desert Claw, which is quite odd seeing as everyone seems to know about him. Apparently in this galaxy there are no pictures of anyone. Jaster heads into the desert early in the morning to finally leave Rosa.
Jaster: I'm going into space… Woah, when I heard Dorgengoa was a space pirate I didn't actually think he flew a rickety old pirate ship. How is wood insulated for space travel?
Simon: How bout y' stop bein' a smart ass and board, aye?
Jaster: Right, time to leave.
Yaggo: I'MA SCARED.
Jaster: Why?
Giant Worm: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG
Jaster: Oh.
Yaggo: I'MA EATEN. *eaten by worm*
Jaster: You bastard! You ate my… uh… my ride! You ate my ride!
Giant Worm: And what are you going to do about that?
Jaster: Super jump attack!
Giant Worm: What the hell. How'd you do that?
Jaster: Don't worry; if video game logic holds out, I'll never be able to do it again.
Simon: Jaster stop playin' in the sand an' get up here before-
*Gondola lifts away, ship's anchors are weighed and it floats off*
Simon: …That… but hey! You'll now be a part o' the great circle o' large things eating smaller things! Enjoy!
Jaster: FUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
Kisala: Grab on if you want to live!
Jaster: Let's see… hot girl on a flying bike, or giant man eating worms… no objections here.
? ?: And so it begins…
Giant Worm: Awwwww... our food got away... Hey! Let's get that hooded guy!
? ?: Oh shit!
END CHAPTER 1
Alright, hopefully one of the twenty people who have played Rogue Galaxy will read this and leave a review with feedback, and hey! That person could be you!