"Okay, if everyone will just take their seats, we'll get started." Heathcliff called out from where he stood on his chair with a clipboard. Around the massive conference table, the old nineteen eighties cartoon stars and heroes gathered, some sliding into their chairs while balancing coffee cups while a few of them drank something stiffer.
One by one they were all seated and Heathcliff nodded his satisfaction.
"The twenty fifth annual meeting of the Eighties is now in session. I sure am glad to see you all here today. If everyone is ready, I'll take roll-call and then Strawberry Shortcake can begin serving lunch."
And so it was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Gi-Joe, He-man, Thundercats, My Little Pony, Carebears, Rainbow Brite, Gem, Jace and the Wheeled Warriors, MASK, Ewoks, Muppet Babies, Inspector Gadget, Gummi Bears, Super Mario and the Princess and the Smurfs all gathered to discuss world issues and their predecessors. Heathcliff remained standing in his chair, taking notes, as one by one they all sounded in with new issues and complaints, good news and bad.
"Hey wait a second." Raphael of the TMNT called out. "Where are all the big dudes?"
Heathcliff adjusted his glasses and leafed through his papers.
"I believe the Go-bots and Voltron remained outside to welcome Optimus Prime of the Autobots when he arrives."
Strawberry Shortcake bustled around, laying out trays of food and finger sandwiches.
"Why, isn't this just smurfy." Papa smurf said as he munched away. "You've out-done yourself, Shortcake."
Many of the other groups and heroes nodded in agreement, their cheeks all working as they dug in and Strawberry beamed at their praise.
"I certainly hope there is something left for the latecomers." Megatron spoke from the door.
All the various heads and helmets turned to behold Transformers Prime Megatron, leaning down to look through the door with one hand up on the wall.
His dark purple eyes gleamed.
"Who is that?!" Sunshine Carebear gasped.
"I say, is that Optimus?!" Papa Smurf squinted.
"That's the wrong generation!" Heathcliff called out in surprise, his eyes wide.
"You idiot! That's not even an Autobot!" Flint of Gi-Joe cried out.
"Mama Mia!" cried Mario.
"Uh-OHHHHHHH!" Lion-o called out, elbowing He-man in the ribs.
Megatron stooped and stepped into the room, straightening up to his full height and dragging the head of Voltron in behind him. He dumped it unceremoniously on the floor, crushing one of the Little Pony's unknowingly. The rest scattered under the table and chairs.
Everyone stared in shock.
"You...you killed Voltron?" MASK raised the visor on his helmet. "That's impossible!"
"A bold sentiment but ultimately untrue. This one waited until he was practically defeated before he even drewhis sword." Megatron motion at the severed head and then came walking around the table, looking for a seat.
Flint was slapping all his pockets, looking for a radio but Megatron stopped and gave him the evil eye.
"Is there a problem, fleshling?"
"Uh...got a light?" Flint gulped.
"Indeed I do." Megatron snarled and then shot him.
Flint exploded like a bag of hamburger, splashing the wall behind him with a red burst of blood. The others sitting near him all winced and leaned away from his smoking chair. Strawberry shortcake screamed and dropped her tray of tarts.
"Omigawd! It's in my eyes!" She flailed around.
"Optimus Prime couldn't join us today. I have come in his stead to evaluate threat potential and act accordingly." Megatron made a grand gesture before clasping his hands behind his back.
"The Decepticon armada has this building under observation." he finished, studying a piece of studio art on the wall next to him.
"Remain seated." He snarled suddenly, turning and glaring down at the table. Several of the smaller, plusher beings swallowed hard and cringed back into their seats. Some of the tougher warriors looked indignant but didn't dare move. His glare rooted them all.
But the Pony's burst out from under the table again and knocked Strawberry Shortcake over where she stumbled around on the other side of the room. She hit the ground hard.
"You fucking ponies! Gawdamn petting zoo in here!" Shortcake cried as Gem jumped up and helped her to her feet, wiping her face off and getting her to sit down.
Megatron chuckled, finally pulling out a chair and sitting down himself, crushing Handy Smurf with a snap crackle and pop. Papa Smurf looked down at Handy's foot poking out from under Megatron's weight.
"Do you have a problem too, old one?" Megatron looked down at him as Papa Smurf looked up.
"Uhh...well, no." He grinned weakly and cleared his throat. "He was always a bit of an smurf-hole." Papa Smurf answered as he scooted farther back into his chair.
"Hey dude! What's your problem?!" The TMNT called out from across the table, flexing green muscles and spoiling for a fight.
"Do you four speak for this delegation?" Megatron turned to ask them with a tilt of his head.
"The Turtles?" Sunshine bear looked at them.
"Why not?! You don't see us in a garage sales! Turtle Power never dies!" Michelangelo brandished a fist.
"I'll have you know I'm quite collectable!" Sunshine huffed.
"Yeah, if you wash out the baby goo." Raphael snorted.
"Actually you do see you guys in garage sales." Mario piped up, nodding his head at the Turtles.
"This from the guy with ten million copies of his first video game selling for a quarter." Raphael smirked at him next.
"Hey, fuck you man! Do you wanna know what we did to turtles in my day?" Mario bristled.
"Yeah!" Luigi added.
"Was it something like this?" Megatron snarled. In a horrible mockery of their original function, with four fingers he reached over and crushed the heads of the TMNT down into their shells with a wet squelch. Their headless bodies all slumped over in their chairs, the tails of their bandannas hanging out like tongues from their shells.
"Something like that, yeah." Mario blinked.
"Well, you can still tell them apart anyway." Luigi smirked.
He-man leaped to his feet.
"That was a vile act, you base coward!" He balled his fists and glared at Megatron, finally finding his courage.
"And what do you intend to do about it, fat one?" Megatron grinned evilly as he looked over at the old hero.
Rainbow Brite leaned over to Gem.
"You know, he really has let himself go." She whispered.
He-man glared at her.
"Shut up you little second-rate nobody! Does anyone even remember you?"
"You can't talk to her that way!" Gem huffed.
"Ahh pipe down, honey. You're only here because Lion-o was going to put in a stripper pole."
"And what would you do about, No-man?" she retorted.
"Trust me girls, there's no reason to 'remember' He-man either!" she raised two fingers up about an inch apart.
"Oh yeah? Watch me handle this guy, then!" He-man glared at her and then wiped out the Sword of Power, holding it aloft with a burst of light.
"Kick his ass, He-man!" MASK called out.
"Fuck him up, dude!" Lion-o cried, summoning up some spine.
"I have the poooower!" He-man roared.
Megatron studied him for a second and then leaning up, with his thumb and index finger he flicked the sword out of He-man's hand with a PING!
It flew through the air, beheading two ewoks and slammed into Mario who gave one squawk and crapped his pants before he died.
"Holy fuck!" Luigi cried.
"Yes!" Princess Peach cried, jumping to her feet.
"The horny old fucker is finally dead!" she laughed, looking at them all and jumping up and down, clapping her hands.
"Princess!" Luigi gasped.
"Shut up, you!" She cried suddenly, snatching up Flint's forty five automatic where it lay on the table. She backed up, brandishing the weapon as she tore off her trailing dress with her free hand to show the combat boots and leggings underneath.
"Don't fuck with me, Luigi! You wanna grow a third eye? Just chase me down like your brother did. Stay away from me! All of you!" she turned, booting a Little Pony out of her way and was out the door.
"I say, the Princess has betrayed us!" He-man cried.
"You killed my brother!" Luigi cried as the Gummi Bears tried to get him to sit back down.
"And I killed you too." Megatron added. His cannon roared and Luigi exploded, taking Zummi Gummi bear with him in the blast.
"Ok! That's it! It's go time!" Gruffi Gummi spun around and slammed his Gummi juice. Then he was up and bouncing down the table, scattering cups and plates, headed right for Megatron.
"You want a piece of me?" Gruffi growled as he bounced away in front of the Decepticon leader.
Megatron slapped him out of the air like a beach ball. Gruffi Gummi sailed right over everyone's heads and slammed into the wall, purple Gummi juice bursting out of every hole in his shattered body.
"Does anyone else have any complaints?" Megatron eyes shifted to He-man, who abruptly sat back down with a gulp.
"Stop this madness!" Heathcliff shouted, jumping up onto the table next and waving his hands to get Megatron's attention.
"Why are you doing this?" he cried..
"Because I can." Megatron said, raising his right fist to Heathcliff. The old orange tabby looked down, puzzled, before Megatrons great gladiator blade slammed out, passing clean through his body. Heathcliff's head fell forward and he died without a sound on the blade.
Megatron held the fat little orange body aloft, brandishing it at the Carebears who all cringed back.
Chuckling, he then wiped his blade through the air, flinging Heathcliff into He-man's arms like an orange football.
He-man was rocked back in his chair and then looked down at the orange body he held clutched to his chest before screaming like a little girl.
Gem just shook her head from where she sat.
"I'll stop your meddling!" Inspector Gadjet leaped up, unfolding deadly blades and apparatus from all over his body.
Megatron raised an eyebrow.
"Penny!" Gadjet squeaked. "What does your power book say?!"
Penny backed up in her chair, her terror filled eyes had never left Megatron since he had entered the room.
"We're fuckin' dead, man! Game over!" she cried.
"Hmm. The television was right." Megatron studied her. "You are the smart one."
And then he snatched up Inspector Gadget and tore out his cybernetics from the top of his head like he was deboning a chicken.
"He'll kill us all!" MASK leaped up.
"What was your first clue?" Megatron smiled wickedly as he flipped Inspector's Gadjet's boneless body over his shoulder.
The tension finally snapped and pandemonium ensued with everyone that was left jumping up with a crash of chairs and piling into each other as they tried to flee.
The large doors leading out of the room slammed shut, everyone catching a glimpse of TFP Soundwave swinging them closed.
"Wait! Hold fast heroes! This can all be cured with the power of Sunshine!" Sunshine bear cried as he pushed through the panicking crowd. Jumping back up onto the table, Sunshine ran down to where Megatron lounged back in his seat.
Plucking up his courage, the little yellow teddy bear blasted the Decepticon leader with a bright warm burst of pure sunshine.
"Take that, you meanie!" He cried. Megatron looked down at him, his deadly expression changing to curiosity.
"Remarkable! You have your own built in solar source of energon?" And he actually took a moment to seize Sunshine bear by the neck and slowly tear his tummy symbol off with two fingers.
Sunshine screamed bloody murder as he was gutted. Megatron let him go with a frown, holding up the little sew on patch as the screaming Sunshine went down on his knees, trying to hold his stuffing in with both paws.
Megatron's eyes narrowed as he studied the sunshine symbol.
"You fraud!" he snarled after a second and turning, he slammed an open hand down on Sunshine, who exploded into a cloud of fluff.
Seeing this, the other Carebears screamed and rushed the windows, pounding them with their little fists.
The Vehicons outside watched impassively from the parking lot.
"That one's kinda cute." One pointed.
Megatron stood up and with a growl tore free his Dark Energon saber free.
"Well, I've seen enough." He snarled, almost bored, and with a great roar of scorn he slashed the blade in a wide arc before him.
A wave of purple death blast out like a great cutting blade. There was sudden silence before dozens of little heads and cleaved bodies all rolled, bumped and slumped to the floor, piled up in multi-colored piles by the doors.
Megatron sheathed the massive glowing weapon and stepped away from the table.
As he neared the doors, Soundwave opened them and Megatron sighed as he stepped over the pile of bodies.
"This was the best the world had to offer in the time of my contemporary?" he motioned back the room.
"Is it over? Is he dead? Are they all dead?" Skeletor popped his head out from a doorway and seeing the carnage his eyes went wide. Straightening up and puffing his chest out, he stepped out into the hall and strode forward with a cocky swagger.
"Well, well, well! Here we are then! Nicely done!" He gloated as he walked up.
"Not a bad's day work, Megs." He chortled, leaning around Soundwave and peeking into the room.
"Mind if I just sneak in there and just take a look for a certain sword?" he grinned, tapping his yellow teeth with one finger.
"Yes. I do." Megatron answered. Confused, Skeletor looked up at him just as Megatron's fist closed around his head.
"No one lies to me." Megatron snarled, crushing Skeletor's head with a dull pop and grinding the bone into powder. Skeletor's arms and legs jerked once and then went slack before Megatron released his hood with a puff of dust. The body went down onto it's knees and then just slumped over onto the floor.
"These were villains?" Megatron shook his head in disgust, smacking the dust of his hands.
"Threat assessment zero. Return to base." he snarled at Soundwave as he turned away.
ooo
Soundwave stepped into the room for a final sweep and to survey the carnage himself. He stood still for a moment, listening. Then he heard a whimper and he turned to look down at a terrified Papa Smurf who still sat paralyzed in his seat.
"Uhh...hello." Papa smurf croaked with a small wiggle of his fingers.
Three long blades extended slowly from Soundwaves fingers.
The viperous Transformer loomed over him and Papa Smurf stared wide-eyed at his own pixelated reflection in the face of expressionless Decepticon.
The Decepticon assassin raised up one razor sharp finger.
"Why, isn't this just smurfy?" Papa Smurf heard himself say.
And then he was smurfed.