The cold morning breeze is going through the dark mass on his head. He looks up to see the huge gate in front of him and the green moss that is accumulating on both the sides.
"Has to be done…this time." He says under his breath and lets himself in.
He walks slowly, definitely knowing that he cannot face her, not after all that has transpired between the two of them, not after the numerous times that he has turned and left, not after the pain that he has seen so many times in her eyes.
He stands in front of her, hands on the side of his body, the right one holding flowers, something he never thought he would be capable of doing.
"Uh, hey, I never thought we'd be meeting like this, ever." He looks around nervously, fidgeting a little bit with his feet. 'Damn, why the fuck am I so nervous right now, never been like this, so why this time?' he's thinking to himself.
He lets his hands slip into his coat pocket, now that he has given her the flowers.
"The past four years, well, they have been too much to handle, I've been writing, yeah, that's one thing that keeps my mind off stuff."
He looks at her, hoping for a response, but all he receives is a stony glance.
The leaves are all flowing in the breeze that ruffles his dark hair as it falls in front of his eyes.
"There are so many things that I had planned to talk out with you once we were together again, all the thoughts that have been piling up inside for what seems like eternity. I still cannot forget the way you'd laugh or look at me every single time, the way that you were hiding from everyone when we first started dating, all the times that I wouldn't be able to tear my eyes away from you, or be mad with jealousy when anyone, Dean, Logan, or anyone else. I've been running away from everything, everyone, everytime that something got too much to handle I had to just pick out the easy way out and turn my back, but I couldn't turn away from the only person that really made me want to stay and hold on to the present. I never said anything of this to you earlier, you know me, conversation's not a skill I can count as one of my best; its just that I couldn't keep any of this thing inside, it had to come out one day or the other and the more I kept hiding away, running away, it just kept hurting all the more. I haven't been the best of boyfriends, hell; I'd probably make any psychopath seem like an angelic choice. It has not been easy to stay away all these years, always thinking up of possibilities that could've been , might've been, and it has always been impossible to think up of any alternative with you not in it. I just wish that I had been there all these past years, right next to you, be able to take you into my arms, kiss you like we've never kissed before, do anything that would make you happy, but we can't change the past now can we?"
He bent down on the tombstone and put his lips to it –
"And I guess I can't even change the future too…not without you." He closed his eyes as the water ran down his cheeks in a slow trickle.
"I've never said goodbye to you before, and I cannot do that even now, its just not possible to do something which will end my own existence, when all I have is memories, some bad, but most of them so good that they can last me this lifetime a hundred times over."
As he got up he placed a copy of his favorite Hemingway and a copy of Fountainhead next to the flowers on the grave.
"I still don't understand it, and I still love you."