Promotional Material
Colonel Potter straightened the papers he had just gotten gruffly. Having all these characters in his office at once was always a headache, but this was something he desperately needed. Something the unit desperately needed. But more something he desperately needed. Having a more established chain of command would allow him to take some actual time off, plus lessen the headaches of having Hawkeye or BJ always coming to him with their problems.
Who was he kidding. It would still happen like that. But at least now he could yell at them for not following the chain of command. "Small victories, Potter" he reminded himself.
First in was Winchester, who barged in as if to complain about some great wrongdoing. "Colonel, I really must protest this unscheduled meeting. I was in the middle of something very, very important."
"Oh really, and what was that, Major?" Potter asked through the grin on his face.
"The details are far to intricate for a….bumpkin like you to understand. I was thoroughly dissecting the layers and exquisite arrangements…"
"Cut to the chase, Winchester."
"I was listening to Chopin, if you must know."
"No, and I don't care either. Now what rank is Mr. Choppin'?"
"It's Chopin" Winchester added, with an air of annoyance "and he's dead."
"Ah, well then I'd say I outrank him, don't you- Major?"
"Quite right, Colonel. Quite right." Winchester said, remembering his father's lessons that he must choose his battles. Instead, he sat in the chair on Potter's left and began humming the melody to Chopin's "Fantasie, Impromptu Op. 66". Potter mused the paperwork a bit more but obviously was distracted by the tune emanating from the Major.
"Major, if you don't mind."
"Oh, I don't Colonel. In fact I quite prefer the composers later work, though his earlier…"
"Major, I don't care if you prefer his housework, quite singing that damn song!"
"Well if I had been allowed to finish what I was doing, Colonel, this would not be a problem!"
"It's always a problem major. And if you don't quit, I'll have to regale you with my finest Hank Williams. But I have to warn you, I'm a mighty bad singer." Potter growled through his grin once more.
"Very well. It's better to have no music than bad music."
"Couldn't agree more, Boston boy." Potter beamed at his victory.
Just then, the lovely Major Hoolihan swept through the doors brushing her hair.
"Colonel, you know I would never go against you but right now I'm duty nurse in Post-Op, so if we could make this quick."
"Sit down, Major. You'll wanna hear this. Where are those two jokers at? Klinger!"
Klinger peeked through the door "Yes sir." He had recently started to wear some jewelry again, not out of the desire to get a Section 8. No, more because he had grown used to wearing it and frankly didn't really care what other people thought. Today he sported a broche in the form of an azalea rose as well as some silver droopy earings.
"Find Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum and tell them to report post-haste, will ya?"
"Of course, Colonel."
"One more thing, Sergeant."
"Yes sir?"
"You're now Company First Sergeant."
"Don't I have to be a First Sergeant first sir?"
"Yes. And you are now. Congratulations. Fix your uniform after you get Batman and Robin."
With new pride, Klinger popped to attention "Yes sir!" He exited briefly.
"Is that what this is about, Colonel? Did some promotions come through?"
"Yes." Potter managed before Father Mulcahy poked his head through the door.
"You wanted to see me, Colonel?" He asked in his ever polite, ever patient, ever melodious tenor voice.
"Yes, please take a seat, padre." The Colonel's tone softened as he personally got up and fetched a chair for the cleric.
"Oh that's perfectly fine, Colonel. God gave me two feet for a reason." The Father beamed.
"Quite right, padre." This was the one that was unnecessary, but also the only one Potter really wanted. Sure the surgeons had tough jobs. The Nurses as well. But as far as Potter could see no one's job was tougher than Father Mulcahy's. How many men had bore their sole to him in their dying moments or time of great pain? How many quack surgeons and heavy hearted nurses had sought his advice, ecumenical or not? Oh yes, the Father was going to get what he deserved, Potter would make sure of that.
"Colonel I didn't even know any of us were up for promotion." Hoolihan exclaimed
"You've all been eligible for promotion, but with the push on the front and the fact that most of you are bonobo monkeys in uniforms, I decided to wait until now to push I-COR for it."
Winchester couldn't be bothered by the uninteresting topic at hand. He had reached onto Potters desk and grabbed the latest issue of Stars and Stripes. Hoolihan looked at him incredulously.
"Does any of this interest you, your Excellency? We're getting promoted. Does that even register with you." She asked
"No, not really." He replied without interest trying to focus on the story he was reading.
"How could you not be?! With all that we put up with! Oh, how long I've needed this."
"Well two of the people in this room are getting promoted and one of the Captains as well." Just as he said this, the dynamic duo- Hawkey and BJ- caim clamoring into Klingers office and the conversation could be heard quite clearly.
"No, Beej, you see Klinger doesn't understand as well as Radar did that the distilling process must go undisturbed."
"Yeah, but the nerve of that guy…"
"I'm sorry, Captains! I didn't know. And Potter said one of you would want to be here."
"Well then maybe he should've just asked for half of either of us." BJ replied cheekily. Klinger entered into the Colonels office ceremoniously. "The Captains Hawkeye and Honeycutt, Colonel."
"Get your tukuses in here, pronto." Potter said, shuffling his papers. "Y'know, just once I'd like to have the two of you where I need you, when I need you."
"Well I'd like a pony." Hawkeye said to BJ.
"I always wanted a unicorn."
"That would be more useful, you think about it."
"Clam it!" Potter shouted. Peirce and Honeycutt complied, but not before making a few faces. "Now listen, something very important has come to my attention. It seems to me that we are especially lacking in discipline. Now we're all smart enough to know that with the characters we have at this MASH unit, only divine intervention itself would stop that. But that made me think that we need a more established chain of command."
"Couldn't agree more, Sir." Hoolihan chimed in.
"Right, now I have good news and bad news."
"They seem to go hand in hand." Hawekeye commented, which drew a look of irritation from Potter.
"The good news is, I'm fixing to hand out promotions. The bad news is, ICOR only approved of 3 of them. I'll start from the top down. Ever since Major Burns left, we've had no Executive Officer. And he only filled that position by default. But, I need someone to handle certain day to day tasks that are now putting me behind. As such, I am happy to announce the creation of the post of Executive Officer of Mobile Army Surgical Hospital 4077."
The blast from Hawkeyes party Kazoo startled everyone. "What, I thought it was time for celebration."
"Where did you get that infernal instrument?" Winchester asked.
"Oh he always carries one." BJ added.
"Yeah. You never know when it'll be useful."
"Can we please move on, something very exciting is about to be announced." Hoolihan suggested. Potter, it could be said, did not like Hoolihan when he first met her. She was too rigid, too uptight. But over the years not only had he grown to tolerate her, he had actually grown quite fond of her. After Frank left, she let her guard down considerably. Thought still generally a by-the-book officer, she had started to let her hair down more, and allow more of her weaknesses to show through. Looking at her, Potter saw the eagerness of a child about to be told their going to the zoo. That's when he knew she was the right choice all along.
"Oh sure." Hawkeye resigned.
"Very well. Now in order to be an XO, as it stands right now, in this camp- you must be a Lieutenant Colonel. And as you're all aware, we have no Lieutenant Colonel here. Or at least we didn't." With this he stood up, reached into his desk and pulled out 3 boxes. All of the officers eyed them- Margaret like a hungry animal, Winchester with feigned indifference, the Father with general interest as to who would be lucky enough to be promoted. BJ and Hawkeye were trying their best not to look like they both wanted it. BJ had his family, and a promotion meant more pay and possibly better jobs when he finally got out. Hawkeye just wanted some recognition. Just a slice of "thank you" from the pastry chef of the Army. He had been at this camp longer than anybody save Margaret. No doubt she would get her promotion and, by god, he wanted his.
"Major Margaret Hoolihan, front and center." The Major popped to attention, trying to hide the smile gracing her full lips. "By order of the Commander in Chief of the United States Army, and with great personal pride, I hereby promote you to the Rank of Lieutenant Commander!" Father Mulcahy beamed with happiness as he started the applause. Hawkeye and BJ quickly joined, for they had grown very fond of Margaret as well and they knew she deserved it. Winchester sort of lazily clod his hands together. He really did not care one way or the other about the promotion. He certainly didn't need it. He had his job waiting for him as Chief of Thoracic surgery back in Boston. He hated the Army. Now that he thought about it, he was actually glad he hadn't been given the responsibility. "As such, Colonel Hoolihan, I hereby name you Executive Officer of the 4077."
"Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I take it with pride and I will do my best at it and I promise that I won't let you down and I hope that…"
Potter gently put up his hand and smiled. "We know, Colonel. All of us. Congratulations." He was about to speak again when she suddenly interrupted him.
"Colonel Potter, will I be getting my own office? Or at least my own desk?" She asked hopefully.
Potter considered for a moment. "I don't see why we can't work something out. I'll get Klinger on it right away."
"Thank you sir." She smiled from ear to ear as she sat down.
"Now, seeing as how it is always a good idea to have a nice balance of officers, we have two captains who will shortly be becoming majors. These two men work hard and receive very little credit for all the work they do." Hawkeye thought he fit the bill. "These two men are a credit to the service, and they embody everything I admire in officers…and men. Without any further ado, I'd like to announce the promotion to major of Captain's BJ Honeycutt and…Father John Patrick Francis Mulcahy.
The father's eyebrows raised as Potter gladly handed him his oak leaf. "Thank you, so kindly, Colonel. I…I…I don't know what to say!"
"Don't say anything Padre, just keep preachin' like you do." Potter beamed back.
While this went on, Hawkeye let out an incredulous "What!" BJ, in response, could only turn and offer a shrug to the offended doctor. Potter saw this as he went to congratulate Hoolihan. The effect of being passed over for promotion was not lost on him. Unbeknownst to the gathered company, Potter had been up for Brigadier not long ago. He could have easily gotten it, but he had Klinger purposely fudge his documentation so that he appeared less attractive for promotion than he really was. Something about this outfit kept him going. And besides, he didn't want to get rusty with his surgical techniques.
But Hawkeyes case was different.
"How did…" Hawkeye stuttered to BJ.
"I don't know, I didn't even put in for it."
"Yeah, of course you didn't."
"Honestly, Hawk, I had no idea this was coming."
"You've had your eyes set on those gold leaves ever since you got here!"
"I mean, it's nice, yeah but I didn't want it in competitiveness with you. And besides, why can't you just be happy for me?"
"Because I'm angry at you, Major Honeycutt." The sarcasm in Hawkeye's voice was not lost on BJ.
"You know just once, you happy that I finally got something."
Hawkeye didn't respond. Just folded he lanky arms and stood there brooding. Father Mulcahy thought to go up to him and offer some assistance, but he thought better given the circumstances. Instead, he humbly accepted the congratulatory remarks that he truly felt unworthy of from Potter and Hoolihan.
"Colonel, if you're quite done here…"
"Yes, Winchester, go back to your Chapin."
"It's Chopin. My congratulations to all recently promoted." Winchester said as he gathered himself to leave. "Now if you will please excuse me, I must attend to matters of actual importance- which is anything outside of this Motley little group here." And with that he left.
"What a fuddy-duddy." Hoolihan remarked.
"Always has been, Lieutenant Colonel. Always will be too. Now I'll talk to Klinger and see about setting you up an office, pronto."
"Thank you, Colonel. This really means a lot to me." She said, gently cusping Potter's shoulder as daughter does her father.
"If anyone here deserves it, Margaret, it's you." He replied, just as fatherly. Hot Lips made her way to the pair of Doctor's standing in the back of the room and was immediately aware of the tension in the area. "Major." She said towards BJ.
"Lieutenant Colonel." He smiled back, taking the opportunity to bask in the address of his new rank.
"Congratulations, BJ. I'm really proud of you." She smiled at him.
"You as well, Margaret. You really earned it."
"Thank you, BJ. You too. Hawkeye I…" She turned to comfort her once foe now dear friend. All she got was a cold turning of the head and Hawkeye's tear filled eyes. She started for a moment, trying to think of the right thing to say. But she was honestly sorry for the Captain, and anything she said at this point probably would have made it worse. She turned back to BJ, who nodded his head as if to acknowledge the situation. Sighing, she bowed her head and made her exit.
Potter rounded back behind his desk and sat there as he lit up a cigar. He knew what was coming, but he thought it better to let the emotions play out.
"Look, Hawk. I'm sorry. No, you know what- I'm not sorry. I deserve this promotion as much as you would have. The only difference is if you had been picked instead of me I'd be nothing but happy for you."
"Well you can save that happiness for yourself then, I guess." Hawkeye shot at him.
BJ stood there for a moment, a torrent of insults running through his mind. He knew Hawkeye could be a bit selfish, but this really took the cake. But friendships are strengthened in the times of greatest turmoil, and as much as he hated Hawkeye right now he loved him in his heart of hearts. Biting his tongue, he looked to Potter who waved him out, giving him his leave, then took it.
The silence in the room was strong, strong enough to strangle a water buffalo. Hawkeye looked at Potter, his eyes a pair of daggers. Potter remained indifferent. Pierce kept searching for something Potter could be giving away, but despite his poker experience got nothing. He just couldn't understand it. Finally he gave his tell and broke his silence.
"Okay, Sherman, what was it? Why didn't I get it?"
"Easy, Pierce. I didn't send in your paperwork."
"Oh, so it's personal then."
"Not at all, Pierce. You know I respect you. Heck I'd even say I like you."
"Then why did you do me like this, Colonel?"
"Because you need it, Hawkeye."
"I need some recognition for my work! You know I'm the best surgeon here! And I've been here longer than BJ. Longer than almost anybody!"
"This is all true. And it's why I decided to leave you as a Captain."
"It doesn't make sense, Potter."
"It makes perfect sense to me, Captain Pierce."
"How?"
"Easy. You have no real need to be promoted." This drew a bewildered look from Hawkeye. "Look Pierce, there's a few things you have to realize as facts. Number one- ranks, for the most part around here, don't matter. You and BJ will pal around like you always have because he's gonna forget he's a Major and you're gonna go back to forgetting that you're a Captain." Hawkeye bit his finger and gave a shove through the air at Potter. "Look at it this way if you want, Pierce- now Beej will have a lot less trouble getting the two of you out of trouble the next time you're in trouble. And requisitioning all those little odds and ends becomes a lot easier when one of you is wearing oak clusters. Don't think that'll be lost on him, either. Now, second thing- this war won't last forever. Or at least your part in it. Pretty soon you'll get sent back to Crabapple Cove and you'll hang out your shingle and everyone there will be impressed that you were an Army Captain. All the girls there are gonna swoon when they find out you did actual time near the front line. You don't need a promotion to look better in Maine, Pierce." By this time, Peirce had taken a seat across from Potter. Though selfish, he was never unreasonable. He sat there with his shoulders on his knees, hands clasped before him, head forward in silent consideration.
"I guess you're right, Colonel. I'm just angry because I haven't gotten any recognition for my work here."
"That recognition will come, Pierce. Probably not from the Army and certainly not in the form of medals or awards. But everyone here knows the quality of surgeon you are. And in your private practice back home, they'll surely recognize it when you operate on them or give your medical advice."
"Yeah, I guess you've got a point."
"Of course I do. I've been around a lot longer than you, Pierce. I've got older eyes. I see things yours don't yet. And one thing I see is a friendship in trouble because of one minds arrogance."
Knowing that he was talking about him, Hawkeye couldn't help but be himself. "Ah don't be too hard on him, Colonel. Beej doesn't know any better." He said with a knowing smile on his face.
"Now, Pierce- as your CO…and your friend. I order you to go find BJ and make up with him."
"You know humility's not my strong point."
"Yes. I do."
"Right." Hawkeye got up to leave. Before he walked out of the door, he slowly turned to Potter. "Hey Potter." The Colonel looked up from his paperwork. "Thanks for doing right by Beej. He really does deserve it. And for doing right by me. I needed this."
With that, Hawkeye made his way towards the Swamp.