"I was lost"
No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
~C. S. Lewis~
Song: Tom Odell - Sense (beautiful song)
Is this where I would end up next?
Would this be where we all ended up?
All the Gilberts, six feet under and laid out in rows, beside each other.
Every time, I looked at the mirror or even at my sister, I felt it. A constant reminder that hollowed my stomach and clenched my heart, warning me with the impending threat.
Even when I glanced at my friends, I had to battle away the dark thought of who would be next?
Who was next to have a red rose laid on the earth that covered them? Who would be we have to say goodbye to next? What other story would have to spin to cover up the supernatural?
Last year, I was just a kid who's parents had died. I was stupid, angry and confused so I escaped through the pills and the drugs and any form of intoxication.
Regardless of how much I wanted to return to that dazed escape, I knew that I couldn't.
Not this time.
Elena needed me...just like I needed her.
This time, I would be strong and do whatever it took to keep her safe.
She was all I had.
The reminder had me involuntarily flickering towards the tombstone. An empty and desolate stare fixated onto the piece of rock with a simple engraving.
JENNA SOMMERS
That was all it said.
Nothing else.
I had spent the whole night crying silent tears, sinking into the all too familiar grief. It had quietly ate me up as the memories fleetest but eventually, it slowly numbed me to a restless slumber.
Now, I was lost.
Nonetheless, that didn't stop the embarrassing sob leaving me. This was then accompanied with tremors racking my body and I dropped my hand onto the ground. My fingers dug into the ground, curling before pulling as I frustratedly ripped at the grass.
"Oh"
The distinctive gasp made me whirl around to stare up at the last person I had expected to see but the first one that I wanted to see.
"I'm so sorry" she murmured, her eyes still glued onto the tombstones behind me.
Stray tears trickled down her flushed cheeks and her dark brown locks were slightly matted, losing their usual lacklustre. As the clouds hovered, the burgundy was lost but her locks were still a luscious mahogany. Her eyes were puffy, bloodshot as they glistened with unshed tears.
One thing that hadn't changed was her style. She had kept it simple with a casual but worn out Rolling Stones tee, dark ripped jeans and her scuffed converse.
Nonetheless - beautiful.
"I'm so sorry, Jeremy" she gasped out again and her gaze tore away from the tombs to now face me.
Now that I was broken from the trance, I finally let myself breathe the first thought that came to mind. "Bella..." her name fell from my lips so naturally and freely.
Just saying it reminded me of the times I had chased her around the back garden with the hose. She had then retaliated as her and Elena threw water balloons at me and Matt.
I remember how she used to cross her arms and pout when we used to call her 'Smella'. However, I would soon comfort her, take her hand and she would kiss my cheek, telling me that I was forgiven.
I could recall how she stopped trying to make garlands with Jenna, Caroline and Elena. Instead she came over and forced us to teach her how to skate. I held her hand as I led her down the pavement on my skateboard.
When we visited the lodge, I had been a weedy little kid, too scared to jump from the pier and into the water. However, Bella came back for me, took my hand and helped and we jumped off together.
The last memory I had was a fifteen year old Bella, choking back tears as she told us she would be moving to Phoenix.
A couple of weeks later, my parents died and she wasn't there to hold my hand.
"Jeremy" she gasped, her reddened eyes widening, the pupils darkening visibly.
Within seconds, I was off the ground and stalking towards her, wanting to offer her any comfort.
She froze, quivering under my stare but I wanted - I just needed - her.
"Bella..." I sighed once again, the disbelief still leaving me with great uncertainty for how real this moment could be. "I ca- I'm so glad that you're here" I blubbered, like the idiot that I was.
My inhibitions and doubts were gone when I caught her take a step towards me. "Jer" she murmured and I took that as the encouragement I needed.
It was all I needed to urge me into wrapping my arms around her. The need to relive that warmth that she had always adorned returned. However, her audible gasp had me dropping my arms.
Now, I felt empty.
"I- I uh... I can't feel you" I shook my head frantically, stepping back as I made a few more attempts. "Why? Wh-why can't I feel you?" I cried out helplessly, my arms running up what was supposed to be her skin.
"J-Je-Jeremy?" she stuttered, sharing my frustration as she too tried to touch me and I willed for it to be real. "How? How Jeremy?" she was in her own state of disbelief and I was left dumbstruck. "How?" she called and tilted her head up meeting my gaze. "How can you see me?"
"I can't feel you" I repeated numbly, trying to fight what I already knew was inevitable.
My head tilted up limply as I met her searching gaze. We both remained silent, waiting for the other to speak but we knew. The answer was in my quiet hesitance; in her empty and soulless eyes; hanging within the cold atmosphere until it finally left my lips.
"You're dead"
A/N: Interested?
Let me know what you think.