Are you bored with your lame life as a piffling servant, abiding by mans every want and whim? Have you ever dreamed of something more? Do you commonly fantasize about hunting, hiking, and camping out with a gang of girls just like you? If you love the outdoors, or just need a break from those y-chromosomed block-heads, then I have news for you. Hear me nymphs of Crete! Let me introduce myself. I am Artemis, goddess of the hunt and mistress of animals. In other words, I'm both Olympian Huntsman-in-chief, and Game Warden. I have come here today to recruit new maidens to be a part of my band, and to roam the wild with me. The dropout rate of my band has been alarmingly high, because they have started running off with perverted creeps. This is a huge rule violation, and it should have been clear to those individuals that had actually read the handbook. Because of this, there are openings for new members, and I would like to read aloud the manual in hopes to make the rules clear for those too lazy to read it themselves. Hopefully this may curb some of the despicable behavior recently seen in my followers
In order to join there are a few requirements. New applicants must be female virgins. I can never stress this point enough. Every year I get someone asking to make an exception, which generally ends with said person's spontaneous combustion. I simply cannot stand males. They're messy, arrogant, slimy, gluttonous, disrespectful, and did I mention smelly? Circe didn't need magic to turn men into pigs, because the only true difference between the two is the way they squeal. Just yesterday I caught one spying on me as I was taking a bath. I turned him into a deer, and then his own dogs tore him to shreds. Pity the hide was ripped beyond repair; it would have made a delightful coat. Moving on, my virginity rule was imposed as a result of having to put up with obnoxious boyfriends and even more irritating husbands. I also require that new members be nymphs because mortal women have a bad habit of dying on me, and I'm tired of having to write out new manuals. Members have a basic knowledge of tracking, hunting, and navigation prior to submitting an application. Don't forget, at least two years of faithful worship is needed in order to qualify.
All mandatory equipment must be on hand at all times. I have taken it upon myself to make a list of items that you will need:
white hunting tunic for everyday use
broach, bearing my symbol, a deer or silver bow
a high quality long bow with replacement strings
The Beginners Guide to Taxidermy, by Orin
The Care and Keeping of your Blood-lusting Hound, by Pan
The Dummy's Guide to Giving Eros, and his Tramp-of-a-Mother the Slip, by Artemis and Athena.
As my closest followers, you have few responsibilities. Your jobs will include the care of my hunting hounds, and the four horned Hines, who pull my chariot. As well as the skinning, stuffing, and mounting of our kills. The rest of your time is spent in total and complete freedom, hunting, camping, and hanging with a bunch of ladies who really know how to whip up a party.
I would like to remind you all that joining my band is a commitment, and one I expect you to keep. That means keeping your virginity for eternity. Honestly, knowing what guys are like, it really shouldn't be so hard. Last fall, Callisto broke this rule. Not just with any old guy, oh no, but with my father! Callisto really got off easy, all I did was turn her and her unborn son into bears. Their images were later put up into the night sky by my father, who by the way, has yet to hear the end of this. Other than keeping your oath of chastity, there aren't that many rules to remember. Members should always hunt in season, and never kill mother animals with nursing infants. Your camp site should be cleaner when you leave than when you got there, and wash all undergarments at least twice a week. (People do notice.) Other than that, just remember what you learned when you were five: no punching, no tattling, no inflicting premature death, and you should be fine. For more information on specific rules or sign up options, contact one of our informants or priestesses at my temple in Ephesus, my patron city. If you are unable to reach anyone, more can be learned in Delos, were I was born. There are always other followers there, willing to lend a helping hand. You may also find a way of contacting us in mountainous regions such Sparta, Arcadia, and Alcon, on Mount Targets where I am also worshiped.
I hope to see you all in the mountains, unless you're a guy. Then you can go to Hades for all I care. In fact, I recommend you pay him a visit. I need to replace members due to them losing their virginity, and hoping to spread the word. If you wish to contact me directly, I should be in the area for a while, there is only a limited amount of space for new members, so get registered quickly. Thank you for listening to my presentation, now excuse me, I have a boar to catch.
(A.N. I own nothing from mythology, don't sue plz)
This was my english project, to make a monologe for a Greek god, and my mom told me to put it on the internet, and I thought "why not," so here you are.