Rating: T
WARNING: alludes to rape
A/N: Erm, dark nastiness pollutes my mind and I like to share? I don't know where this stuff comes from. Normally I'm well adjusted.
If Only for Now
"I don't understand…Is-is this what b-boyfriends' d-do?" I ask fearfully, my voice is shaking. I am shaking. I am confused. Tzusuki nods and his hands moved lower until they're touching my rear.
"Yes Soka-chan. Now just relax. We're doing this because we love each other, right?" Tzusuki says. Suddenly he looks unsure. I feel guilt flood me. I don't know if it's my guilt or his.
"O-of course I love you Tzusuki!" I cry, I'm still shaking.
"Then this should feel right." Tzusuki says and runs his hands over my body. I've started crying now. I'm just so scared and ashamed.
"P-please Tzusuki, I-I'm not ready. I'm so sorry I just…Please just stop." I choke out pushing his hands. I cannot handle his hands on me. There's too much of it, of everything. It's everywhere, this polluted, crawling feeling. My skin is dirty. It's all I know, it's all I can think about. Where am I? I hate feeling this lost. I can't surrender to this…not like last time. Tzusuki sighs. He takes his hands out from under my pajamas. This isn't the first time.
"It's okay Hisoka." He says, for once using my full name. Somehow this hurts. This and the tired, weary tone of his voice. He scoots a bit away from me and my side of the bed, to give me space I guess. He lays down sideways facing me.
"M-maybe later okay? Just-just not now, okay? Please." I whisper. I'm still crying and shaking. I'm sitting up, my face on my knees my arms wrapped around my calves. I am frustrated with myself, with my fear. Most of all I am afraid though.
I take a deep shaky breath. My heart is racing. In and out. In and out. My breathing slows. I lie down, flat on my back and sniff.
I turn and look at my lover. He is half asleep, moonlight streaming onto his pillow. The room is cold now. It has an almost sobering affect on my mind. Tzusuki. This is him. I love him. He loves me. We love each other.
I reach over, tentatively but I do. I take one of his large hands in mine. He is warm. I pull his hand over my chest and kiss his knuckles. This is what I can give, this infinitesimal touch. This shattered soul may not mean much to others but I hope that these small things I try to give him, I hope they are enough, if only for now. If only, for now.
A/N: (again) please review; I relish both praise and flames. Or both at the same time. Or just saying, 'hi I read this and thought it was cool/horrid/etc.…so yeah! Bye!' would be awesome. Cool Beans.